My Thoughts as I Knew Them, a diary of Sandra Lynn

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February 3, 2022 - I am not a fan of the spelling of F E B R U A R Y. I love the month of LOVE idea, but not the spelling of said month. There, I said it. W E D N E S D A Y is another one that bugs me.

I have been SO WEEPY since I started feeling better. I am SO HAPPY I feel so much better, but I get so weepy over unfair things and other things. I get weepy over life - that is what it is. Sigh. I have not really cried yet, but I'm due for a meltdown sooner than later. I hope I am not at work when it happens. I juggle a lot so I am sure it is just me being overwhelmed. Sigh. I stopped taking my anti-depression pill when I was so sick because the ZPak to treat my bronchitis doesn't play well with that medicine. I have not started it back up. Maybe that is the issue. (However, I am thinking it is just life overwhelming me in general.)

February 4, 2022 - Last night I loaded up my bathtub with a lovely bath bomb and special mineral salts and turned on the hot water and left it to fill the tub. I went back to check it and the water was ice cold. I woke my husband up to announce we had no hot water. He tried to relight the pilot but it didn't work. I texted my neighbor (who is in construction) to ask him for numbers of plumbers if he would be so kind. He said he would come (today) and check it out for us as he's taken care of issues with his own water heater before. After that I just went ahead an ordered a new pilot light assembly. I picked it up on the way home from work this morning. I just popped in to work to change out tapes and then I handled a few other crisis matters and ran up, got the pilot assembly from Home Depot and then summoned my neighbor. He came right away and switched it out. It did not work, and he smelled gas strongly. "I think I broke the ignition assembly..." He found a place that had one in stock, so I flew up there to buy that. Once I got home, I let him know and he came over and replaced that. Still the pilot wouldn't stay lit. We just installed this water heater this spring, so I called the 1-800 number and talked to a nice lady about this issue. She said that it was probably the gas control valve (at the same time my neighbor got off the phone with his buddy who said the same thing). "Third time is a charm!" I said. He called the place back and they had one left in stock. I ran back up there and got that. My poor neighbor is in the bathroom still waiting for the water heater to drain (we used a hose to drain it but there must have been an air lock because it's still puking water into a bucket.) Sigh. Adventure.

I snagged my husband a doctor appointment this afternoon due to his issues with stomach pain, white bowel movements, and dark urine. Sigh. He is at that appointment now. I hope the refer him to a specialist and that soon. Has to be his gall bladder. I'm no doctor, but I have the Mayo Clinic page....

All I know is I feel kind of overwhelmed. When I got the last part from the plumping store "Alright Now" was on the radio. I will take that as a good sigh...right?

February 5, 2022 - My husband was at his doctor's appointment a long time and I finally got a call from the doctor himself. The doctor was very concerned and wanted him to go up to ER. "At least they can get scans and such while he's there." He is jaundiced. I failed to see him turning yellow. Ugh. The doctor said that is common not to notice since it comes on so slow. Also, the blood work and urine test the doctor had done were not good. His bilirubin numbers are very high and the doctor just wanted him in the hospital right away because, like I said, even if he couldn't get in to a room they could get all the scan done over night.

I called my youngest son to come babysit Norman so I could take my husband up. We got to ER around 6:30. So full. Ugh. People were in beds in the hallways of ER waiting for a room when I left at three a.m. so I am happy at least my husband had a room to himself. So overcrowded. Very sad. No rooms at the inn, as it were.

He did get his scans done. I just read the results on line. "Innumerable hepatic mass/lesion scattered throughout the liver parenchyma compatible with malignancy, likely metastasis." Well, now - that doesn't sound good, does it. Ugh. I won't think bad thoughts until I speak with a doctor in person. I came home at three a.m. and did dishes and laundry and took a hot shower then slept for three hours. I called the hospital this morning at 7 and he still wasn't in a room. I got to talk to him and he said he can have breakfast (which sounded like this pleased him). I will go up as soon as he gets a room to bring him some things and the charger for his phone. Then we will wait for someone to tell us what is next.

Oh, and last night I asked the staff for a Tylenol for my husband for the pain he was in (a dumb question on my part since you don't want to use Acetaminophen when you have a bad liver and all but I wanted them to know he needed something for the pain) and the doc on duty said, "No, but we will get him some pain medicine." The nice nurse came in and shot him up with some morphine (normally a welcome relief when one is in pain) and he was happy for a bit, but when I stood up and told him I was going to the bathroom, and his eyes were dilated and he looked lost - so LOST. I yelled at him - "Can you hear me?" No response. He started twitching a bit and sliding down from the stool. I yelled loudly I NEED A NURSE and the main nurse ran in. He called for back up. My husband was reacting poorly to that morphine. They had to get five guys in there to get him on to the bed. They even brought in Narcan in case. Once they got him on the bed and after a bit he 'came back' and said, "Wow, that was weird!" We all laughed, but I'm pretty sure I peed myself during that. Sigh. The internist on duty came in and said, "I always tell them, you don't give that dose to people with liver issue - the patient just can't handle it." Well, now - thanks for the update Sherlock. Shouldn't that be on a DON'T DO THIS list somewhere?? My husband said he could still see us, but not talk or respond or hear. Wow. I told him "Geez, our Friday nights are normally so boring..."

I was feeling overwhelmed. Now I'm just not feeling. That works best.

February 6, 2022 - They finally got my husband in a room at the hospital yesterday morning about 10 a.m. They wanted to do surgery this morning to drain his bile. The bile duct is blocked by a tumor. Sigh. (There are many lesions on his liver as well, but an outright tumor at the area where the bile duct hooks up to go to his gall bladder.) They gave him five days to get the bile drained before it could put him in a coma. However, after talking with the surgeons yesterday about his layrngectomy and how his throat and trachea are reconstructed (I got to draw diagrams for surgeons!) they don't feel like they can safely do it at our hospital. They are arranging for him to get to U of M in Ann Arbor. He was supposed to get transport there today once a room opened up, but that is not going to happen. NO hospital has open rooms unless a covid patient dies which makes me terribly sad. However, it has to happen SOON since he could could poison himself with the backed up bile. Ugh. They will also get samples of the tumor so they can see what kind of cancer it exactly is. (In my book, CANCER is stupid and CANCER needs to GO AWAY.) I am packed and ready to go now at any time. Let's get this party started.

When I left the hospital last night he said, before I walked out the door, "Well, we've had a good run..." That made me start crying. I had not cried outwardly at all since this started but I kept walking after that, crying. My worry is that he is giving up and it is too early for that. He sounds much more positive today. This morning he said, "I just want to take the next steps here..." which made me happier that he's trying to be more positive. I have stopped research on liver cancer. It was too depressing. So many things depends on what type of cancer it is, how much of the liver has it, and has it moved to other local organs, etc. I will wait to hear from a professional before I give it any more thought. I can't change a damned thing worrying about it. I will just try to be my normal upbeat Sandy self for him - his cheerleader.

February 7, 2022 - STILL waiting on a room at U of M for my husband. Really? The internist told us yesterday that he has five days to get that bile drained. UGH. I guess worse comes to worse they could coordinate with people at U of M and try to do it here. I would just as soon he was at U of M, however, as they are the ones that reconstructed his throat and trachea after his cancer surgery. My hospital isn't so sure they know how to handle that set up. I don't wish anyone bad things, but I sure wish a room would open up. Once it does, they will transport my husband there in a wheel chair and I can follow up. I am all packed and ready to go.

God Bless my kids for the support and back up and good dear friends I can vent to. Bless you all. Really - there have been so many monumental challenges in our lives the last three years - what's one more, right? My husband has been more upbeat and positive about things. He is totally yellow now head to bottom of belly. They gave him a yellow mask (even though he doesn't breathe through his nose anymore, but rule are rules) and I told him he looked like Spongebob. Prayers are welcome if you guys get bored.

February 8, 2022 - We are in Ann Arbor! U of M had a room for him yesterday afternoon, so I ran up there, packed the boy up and whisked him away to U of M. We almost immediately met with his surgery team. I liked them a lot. Today will be surgery in the afternoon, but I'm not sure of time yet. He got to have one last meal as it were before they cut him off. He wanted vanilla pudding and Chex Mix. Smile. He is SO DAMNED YELLOW!! My family loves the show "The Simpsons" so we all agreed Dad went totally Homer.

When I left the hospital last night, it was dark, and I'm old and driving in the dark is NOT MY CUP OF TEA. Ugh. I thought I had booked the hotel I stayed at before, but when I walked in there they didn't have a reservation. I went out to the car and looked. It was a hotel just up the road from where I was. Duh. BUT IT WAS DARK and I had no clue where I was going, so when I turned where I thought I was supposed to turn, it took me to the highway. I had a nice tour of where ever the hell I ended up, got my Garmin out and got back on track and found my hotel. Really. What else could go wrong? Really?

I am sitting in my hotel room now. I worked for a while this morning, then had to run to get a hair brush. I FORGOT A HAIR BRUSH!!?!?!? The hotel has these very flimsy combs, but my hair requires a brush worthy of being a farm combine. Soon I will shower and go up to sit with my husband until surgery. He is SO READY to get this done. Today their main goal is to stent the bile duct so bile drains instead of backing up and spreading throughout his body like it is currently doing. They will attempt to get samples of the tumor that is blocking his bile duct - right at the point where the liver hooks up to the duct to the gall baldder. The cancer part is not the main thing at this point. It is to get that bile draining again. They said even when they do, he will be yellow for a while. If this surgery is successful he should be able to go home tomorrow. Then we'll tackle the tumors an liver lesions from there in our home town. It's always something.

My youngest is babysitting Norman. Bless his soul. The kids have been very supportive and sending their Dad messages and the like. Norman practically has the front door torn down because he WANTS HIS DAD and DAD WENT OUT THAT DOOR and DAD HAS TO COME BACK THROUGH THAT DOOR. When I grabbed my husband's coat before I left yesterday, Norman was so excited, as he knew Dad was somehow involved in all this. My son had to forcefully hold him back as I left the house.

We got notified by our house insurance that they are dropping us as of March 1st since we still have a fuse box. REALLY? They have covered us since 1985 with a fuse box. Oh well, one more thing. Sigh. My neighbor Justin gave me numbers of his electrician friends and I called and they came in to quote. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, price wise. I will have to schedule this to be done soon. When it happens the power will be out 'for about 8 hours' they warned, so I will have to take Norman over to the lady who gave him to me - she said she would "board" him for the day and just cover my husband with lots of blankets. Oh life - I am still at bat - throw me one more thing...I dare you....

The boy is out of surgery. Yay!! I read the summary on line of the surgery they did. They tried to stent him two different ways and it did not work, so they ended up using a metal stent to hold his bile duct open. They also put a stent in the pancreas duct - I am not sure why? I did not get to talk to the doctor so I'm not sure what all the medical talk means at this point. All I know is he was sleeping in his chair when I left to come back to the hotel. He just texted me, "The pain is actually better!!" He was so excited. I know this isn't the big issue - the tumors and lesions on his liver and all - but hey - it's a baby step. We'll get past this and tackle the next thing as it comes I guess. Left foot, right foot... Just keep swimming...(please insert your positive and motivational insights here...)

February 9, 2022 - First of all, for the record, I'd like to state that hotel coffee sucks. That being said, it still serves the purpose of 'moving' me as it were but pooping WITH flavor would be nice. Smile. I also notice that I've been feeling very 'strong' as far as being able to handle anything life throws at us, but if I read one kind message from friends I get all weepy. What is up with that?

Someone said yesterday "you don't even know that the tumors and lesions are cancer..." and this is true. We do not. Any tumor or lesion in an area where they are not supposed to be is scary nonetheless. I am sure they were trying to be positive. I appreciate positive thoughts.

Duh, I so forgot we have a generator. Having the power off for 8 hours shouldn't be a problem at all. Once again, may I stress my "DUH" factor here. I know, I have other things on my mind.

There is a large pile of human feces right outside of the side door at my hotel. I have felt that way before...having to go so bad I couldn't hold it, but I would think the hotel would want to clean it up. Hell, I want to clean it up. If I get bored I may take a bag down and do that. As I always say, "If it is on the ground, pick it up..." even if it isn't yours.

I am off to shower and go in to see Homer. I hope to snag a visit with the surgeon!
Wish me luck

Got to meet with three doctors today about Homer. They drew pictures of what was done to get his bile to drain. They were very informative. Tomorrow they are doing the liver biopsies they need to figure out what is all over his liver. They are doing them here at U of M since they have to sedated him some to get the biopsies. They drew a picture of his liver. It was covered with polka dots. Ugh. We SHOULD be able to come home after that is done. Results and a plan of action to follow. I just wanna go home. I actually miss Norman and his slobber. Homer misses Norman too. Homer ate today and he felt so much better. His feet are starting to swell, though, so I alerted his nurse of the situation there and I walked him around the floor. He needs to move.

I scheduled the electrical box fix for next week. I am glad we have a generator we can use to keep the fridge and heater going while the power is out. I will be glad when ALL THIS CRAP IS OVER in general. Hahaha. Ugh.

I have done so much walking around the hospital that my feet let me know it, but they are used to it by today. I use two elevators to get to Homer, so every once in a while I still feel like I'm on an elevator. There is an elevator at the hotel. Weeeeeee. Makes me feel tipsy. Maybe I will go down to the bar tonight and get a beer and order some food. On the way back to the hotel tonight I got my car washed as it was a lovely shade of white from all the salt. Now I can see with the back up camera again. It's the little things, aye? Seize the day!

February 10, 2022 - This hotel must have a contract with the state of Michigan to house people in need or in transition. I've met a lot of interesting people here. Here I am lamenting about my life on my blog when there are so many other people worse off that us in life. They may be down, but many of them have spirits that shine. The lady I talked to this morning said she'd pray for us and she prays every day all the time. "Might not seem like God is doing anything, but he is - in His own time - don't you forget it! That's why you keep going. You can't ever give up." Smile. The family next door must have six kids in that room, but they've been fairly quiet and well behaved. At least they can go swimming for fun.

We should be able to come home after Homer's biopsies late this afternoon. Hurray. It will mean I have to drive in the dark WHICH I HATE but at least we can free up a bed for someone in need of one. Thank you all for your kind words and support through all of this. Once we get the results from the biopsies we can then plan on our next adventure and move forward. I kind of miss Norma's slobber, I'll admit it. Once you have a Dane and said Dane works their way into your heart, slobber means nothing. (Except for the use of mass amount of towels for clean up.) Homer is missing Norman too a LOT. He has not seen him since last Friday. My youngest son who has been taking care of his "little brother" for us has sent tons of Snapchats of Norman so Homer can see him. Norman has been spending a lot of time in Todd's chair. I think Norman misses Daddy.

The fun part will be getting Homer on a low fat diet. We're fluffy people - those who know us know we don't turn down fat often. However, to keep the bile flowing at a respectable rate in the boy - we need to keep the fat down so the liver and gall bladder don't over work themselves. Lordy, I'd hate for that metal stent to break free!! Yikes. I am also going to request that University of Michigan share how to properly administer anesthesia to my husband with our local hospital just in case. Seems like they would share, right?

I have to laugh - the bathroom here has a huge mirror. Mind you, I've not seen myself in a full mirror since before my boob cancer. Dolly the cancer boob is pretty red and firm but my right breast falls to the floor like a sack with a rock in it. Hahahahahahaha. The only way to even the playing field on boobs here would be for me to be on my back. Still, it makes me laugh. I've used my breast as puppets in the mirror - I'm not ashamed to admit. Hahahahaha. Last night I got in the tub to soak. The tub is tiny and after I did get down in it, I worried about getting back out again. Smile. I managed.

I will be packing up my crap soon and getting the car loaded. Check out is at 11. I will push it almost to then before leaving. Since his surgery isn't until this afternoon I don't want to get to the hospital TOO SOON. I love Homer, but a hospital isn't exactly my idea of date night, and I've already spent a LOT of money at their gift shop. Norman ate my cool ear muffs a week or so ago, and the gift shop had a pair. Woot! I have so much hair I really don't ever need a hat, but my ears get cold.

Later on February 10, 2022 - I am afraid if I sit down for too long I will pass out, so I've been very busy since arriving home. I even fixed a GOOD cup of coffee and pooped on my own toilet which I consider a luxury at this point. My youngest son had the house pretty well cleaned up for us, bless his soul. He let us know how much work it is to take care of Norman by repeatedly saying "I don't know how you guys do it! I don't know how you guys raised three kids!!" Little does he know but his Mom is a Superwoman. (I just don't have the costume, unless you count my varicose veins as a cool emblem of sorts.) Norman went NUTS that we were home and was leaping in the air and practically knocking me over. While Norm was trying to kill me with his love, my youngest brought in all the stuff from my car. Again, a godsend. My oldest got home from his trucking week and ran to the store for us, too. It was awesome of my boys. My daughter would be here in a heart beat if she had a car and was able to be here, trust me. I have damned good kids.

They told us we could come home tonight after his liver biopsy. They didn't tell us that he had to stay in bed as flat as he could for three hours after the biopsy. Ugh. We left University of Michigan around 7 p.m. My husband is a miserable man about now. He knows he most likely has liver cancer (we just have to be told officially, but everyone has been saying it is cancer of the liver) and he went through that awful pain and feeling terrible with the bile back up and he got through the stent surgery earlier this week and he has not slept well all week. He hasn't been home since last Friday afternoon. He is currently sleeping in his lazy boys, passed out to the world. I could set off a bomb and I bet he'd sleep through it. Norman is also passed out on the couch, happy we're back where we belong.

I took advantage of the quiet and finished the load of clothes my son had in the dryer, washed another load an that is in the dryer. I scooped cat poop. I unpacked everything an put it all away. I paid some bills. I checked work, but it looked like my dear back up did stuff for me tonight. I am so damned blessed. As soon as I post this, I am sure I will crawl into bed and maybe cry a little and sleep. Sleeping in one's own bed is also a luxury we all take for granted. First, though - since I didn't take my tweezers with me, I may try to tame my beard first. That may take hours...

February 12, 2022 - The wind chill here right now it eight degrees. We had all that snow last week and then we recently had wet snow, then rain snow, then rain, so now the yard and the dog pen is like an ice rink. I park as close as I can to the door when I get groceries so I don't kill myself bringing them in. (Hip surgeons in Michigan must be excited about this situation. So many falls will happen.) When Norman goes out to pee in the pen he looks drunk, his gangly legs slipping all over. (Actually, it makes me laugh when he's walking that way.) When I take him out to play, I go out the front door because there is still snow there (crunchy, but still snow and not ice). I did take Norman out to play with the neighbor doggies but was very careful where and how I walked. I can't afford to go down now...

I fell asleep last night at six p.m. and slept until six a.m. this morning!!! HOLY CRAP. I know I needed that sleep, but my bladder was NOT happy and let me know, so I changed my sheets today. I also washed both of my comforters to de-Normanize them. (I should have taken a picture of the lint filter after drying said comforters - so many little Norman hairs.) I did another two loads of laundry on top of that. I took Norman to get his nails trimmed. I did dishes. I went to get groceries. I swept the floor and got down some cobwebs (which is funny since I had just talked to my friend Sue about cobwebs and how I didn't care, but the more I thought about it, apparently I did care. I didn't get them all, but enough to keep me happy). I worked for a while on line. I kept busy. Keeping busy keeps you from thinking too much. I didn't need to think today too much.

I just made myself a nice cup of Sleepytime Tea to help me relax. No doctors called today with test results, but I am sure we know what we are dealing with here... Homer says he feel so fuzzy headed and he's not hungry and I have to force him to eat a little. The side where his liver lives gives him grief. We've done heat then ice to help ease that pain. He is pretty much confined to his lazy boy at this point. I am sure he's depressed as hell. I would be too in his situation. I have been trying to be upbeat and positive, but really - I'm not feeling it so much. I will keep busy though, and keep on keeping on. I hope to inspire him to try to move a bit more but after the week he had, I suppose he has every right to sit in that chair all he wants.

This coming week is Sandy Self Care week. I go to the chiropractor on Monday, then meet my new cancer doctor on Tuesday. (The doctors at the Cancer Center all had to choose a hospital to affiliate with and mine chose the hospital I don't like so I switched to a new cancer doctor at my hospital.) I have not been massaging the lymph areas around Dolly the Cancer Boob so she's a bit swollen. I should probably work on that the next two days so he doesn't think she's going to explode. With all this happening with my husband, I totally forgot I had cancer. My cancer doesn't mean anything. It was a bump in the road. I just stopped to think when it was. I had surgery in 2018 and finished radiation in 2019, so it's been three years and four months. I hope I get the all clear that I only have to go for check ups every year. I am going to ask if I still have to take the anti-hormone pills but I doubt he'll let me quit yet. I hear tell they say like 5 years at the least. On Wednesday I have a dentist appointment to fix a broken filling. I feel so selfish for taking care of me, but that is the dumbest thing I've ever typed. I have to take care of me if I am to take care of other people. Friday is my husband appointment with the family doctor that I want to go to. (I think I have to go. I doubt he'll feel up to driving himself even by Friday. I lined up my youngest son to babysit Norman for that.) I kind of regret I have such a need Great Dane doggie that needs constant companionship, but then again I don't. I love that dog. He is like a little kid and I would have to arrange for a babysitter for a little kid, so really, I guess it's OK all around.

I forgot to mention another humorous thing about my hotel stay. (Funny to me, at least.) We have VERY hard water in this house (and if you can't cut your water with a knife like mine, you ain't got good water). It takes a good amount of shampoo and conditioner to make your hair feel clean here. I forgot hotels have soft water, so the first shower I took I used the normal amount of shampoo I would use at home. YIKES. It took forever to get it out! Hahahahaha. I thought to myself, "I will have to remember that I don't have to use half a gallon of shampoo tomorrow" so of course I forgot everyday and went through this excessive mass of suds on my head over and over again. Still makes me laugh. Silly Sandy.

February 13, 2022 - My cousin had to remind me about salt! Duh! I so forgot about using salt on the icy places!! I went in to my local grocery store and they were out, so I drove up to Meijer and got two bags, filled my car up with gas, and came home and began the aSALT on the ice at the front door area. Took until this afternoon to get it all melted away and cleared out. Then of course it snowed at least one inch if not more in an hour just a bit ago. Mother Nature reminding me I am but a parasite on Earth's skin.

My husband at three meals today. Not 'real' meals - but he ate. This made me happy. He tires easily and is sleeping again in his chair. Norm and I took a nap today, too. I was feeling weird, trapped, odd, lost and if anything can fix that, it is a nap. It did help, I must admit.

I would assume we get the call tomorrow from our family doctor about the test results. I was hoping it would be this weekend, but even doctor's have to have days off. It won't change anything if we know sooner or later. We just need a starting point and the beginning of a new adventure. I am not watching the super bowl. I am not a sports type person. (I do like baseball, but I played softball as a teen.) I will watch a science show and forget life for awhile.

Side note - The kids always tease me because I mix up the boys names. I combine them - half of one name with the other name. When my youngest son was babysitting Norman for us last week, and he had his dog Watson with him, he started mixing up their names and combining them. Bwahahahah. "See!! See!! I told you it happens!" I love it when I'm right.

February 15, 2022 - Yesterday I saw my chiropractor. He said, "You are STRESSED!" due to how my back and neck were all seized up. "Yeah, I am..." and I told him about what has been going on lately. He got me all fixed up. It was a relief.

Today I had my cancer check up with my new doctor. I got to the cancer center early, so I called our family doctor to be sure they had a paper to sign up front for my husband to get his pain medicine. Our doctor and I had been talking on line about what Homer could take for his pain. He explained all the options and he wanted to go with something stronger and he suggested tramadol/Ultram. The receptionist said, "You don't get that unless you see a doctor." "You mean he can't just waddle in and sign something?" "No, you have to see a doctor." She saw that our family doctor could see Homer at 11 a.m. I said we'd take it, then I was stressed over how I would get back to the house and pick up my husband (and Norman) and get over to our family doctor in time. I was already at the cancer center, so I didn't reschedule, just went back to the room at ten and explained to the MA about my situation and got my vitals, etc. I sat there and sat there - it was 10:15 and I knew I couldn't get home in time if I didn't leave SOON. I was walking out of the room when my new cancer doctor walked up. I explained my situation and he did his best to hurry through the exam. He did do a thorough manual breast exam and said everything felt right and all was well. I really like the new guy. I said I hope that my husband gets him...

I had texted my husband to be dressed and ready to go as soon as I pulled in the driveway. I got back to the house at 10:50, packed him and Norman in the car, and took off. We got to our family doctor right at 11 and in went my husband. Since this was a work in before the doctor left for the day (Doc had a half day off today) I figured he'd be in and out. This was not how it worked out. Norm and I drove around the parking lot for a while and we could still see him sitting in the waiting room. (Now it is 11:10). I took Norm for a ride around the neighborhood so he could hang his head out the window and sniff and pulled back in at the doctor's office and he was still in the waiting room. Norm and I went back out for a long ride around our little village and when we got back he was finally NOT in the waiting room. We parked at 11:30. Norman had lots to see, but my new car is smaller in the back than my other car, so the poor boy was rather squished. He finally sat down and then laid down for a bit. The doctor's office is right next to a school, and kids were out playing, so Norm kept getting up to see what the ruckus was PLUS he had to check out every person that passed the car. FINALLY my husband came out at noon. Ugh. I took him and Norman home, made Norman lunch, jumped back in the car to go fetch my husband's meds.

When I was at the cancer center, the MA asked if I felt any stress. "Yes, I feel stressed." She too got the condensed version of my situation. They have to ask now if you are stressed, in any danger at home, or suicidal or ... so I skipped to the point and told her "I am stressed because of my current situation but I don't want to kill myself and the only danger I'm in at home is from my Great Dane puppy." She laughed.

When Norm and I were waiting for Dad to get out of the doctor, I decided to turn on the radio for his listening pleasure. This did not go over well. He didn't like the radio, but while it was on I heard a commercial for a casino near us and Kenny Loggins was going to be there in April! I got so damned excited. Then I stopped being excited. I LOVE Kenny Loggins, but I don't want to go to a concert in a mask and be around a bunch of people who could give me cooties that I would drag home to my husband. He is in no condition to be sick now - or should I say 'sicker' than he is. I doubt I could stand two hours either, unless they know anyone who likes Kenny is an old geezer so there would be seats. I don't like his later work but I do adore his Loggins and Messina days and his early solo work. I want "Celebrate Me Home" to be my funeral song, I love it so much. I decided right then when Norman was looking for the voices on the radio that I didn't really want to go. Really. Really Really. Yet for a split second I was so filled with excitement and that felt good. I have not seen live music since early March of 2020 when I went to spend the weekend with my daughter and SIL in Chicago and we went to see Theo Katzman. Music is good for the soul.

February 16, 2022 - The "Sandy Care Week" is done! I got to get adjusted at the chiropractor, I got a clean bill of boob health from my new cancer doctor, and today I got a filling. Ta Dah. I think to celebrate I will soak in a nice hot tub of water with an excellent bath bomb. I deserve it.

University of Michigan called today with my husband's biopsy results. The doctor seemed frustrated a bit. She said there was so much cancer they really could narrow it down to what type it was, but it was everywhere on his liver. She posted the results on line. I researched some things and gave up. I will wait for a cancer doctor to explain it all and help us decide where we go from here. We see our family doctor tomorrow and his new cancer doctor next Friday.

Getting him things to eat that he can tolerate is hard. He asked for chef salad, so I got the makings for one and fixed him a tiny one. He didn't finish it but he said it tasted so good. I got a bunch of Boost so he doesn't starve to death. My husband is a big boy - nearly 300 pounds, but he's losing fat fast. His stomach looks so bloated and he's very sore. Thankfully the doctor did get him a pain pill he seems to be tolerating well. So now, we wait and see and I will be the best cheerleader that an old woman can be. I have not told him 'we've got this' or anything like that. I don't know if we've got this. It depends on so much. I will, however, remind him that our only choice is to go forward from here.

February 17, 2022 - Lunch time - I ran in to work this morning to switch out back up tapes, and EVERYWHERE there are mini-lakes in fields, yards, etc. Out front of our house is a huge lake. My neighbor has one on the side of his yard. The melted snow/ice has no where to go. BUT THERE IS TONS OF ICE STILL LEFT. When I took the burnables out to the burn pile it was a treacherous walk. I watched Norman running about and took his path. He hates ice too, so he found a safer way. Bless his big old heart. I cannot afford to get a broken hip right now.

Before Homer got so sick, he managed to do most of the laundry for me since I work. I have had to take over all chores now, and you know what? NORMAN AND I MAKE A LOT OF LAUNDRY. My husband doesn't make any dirty clothes except for pajamas twice or so a week, but ME and NORM!! There are so may drool towels on a daily basis and turns out I am a load a day woman! When I bitched about how much laundry I produce he said, "Welcome to my world." hahahaha. This also goes for garbage - who makes all the garbage in this house? ME and NORMAN. Good to find out. Hence the reason I need a wife...

Tomorrow is a visit with the family doctor. I have questions. If the weather is too much or if my plow service doesn't come, then I will call the doc office and request a video visit. My youngest was set up to come over but we are going to play it by ear based on the road conditions tomorrow morning.

I called and made an appointment with a lawyer that will be on Monday. I had needed to get stuff in order for a long time but never did it. It's time we did it. Even if I go first, my husband needs to have stuff in order and then I don't want things to go through probate for the kids. I have put this off for far too long. We really don't have much, since I am not a materialistic person, but what we do have needs to be all lined up.

I wish I could find something my husband could eat. He eats so little. Thank goodness for Boost! Boost fixes everything. I have suggested TONS of things I think would bring him comfort. Nope. I will bring this up to the doctor tomorrow.

**Please not in the post on 2/16 I said cancer was everywhere - I didn't finish that sentence. It is everywhere in his liver. There is none in the pancreas or I am sure it would have been mentioned at the University of Michigan. Just wanted to correct my faux pas.

February 18, 2022 - Ah, another day of excitement. I am not sure how much more I can take!

We went for a review with the family doctor and he gave my husband a stronger pain medicine. His stomach is distended and his liver of course hurts, so better drugs were required. (Your liver is a football sized organ - there is a lot there to hurt.) I came home and worked then got him some lunch. (He wanted a scrambled egg with a little ham in it and he ate it all!) We have wind advisories for tonight, so my husband wanted to review with me on how to start the generator in case we lose power. We went out to where the generator is and we filled it up with gas, and we noticed the gas line was spewing gas. A crack in the gas line. Ugh. My husband tried to fix it but he's so damned shaky and weak, it was not going to happen. I got him back in the house and into his chair then I texted my poor neighbor who fixed out water heater and just came undone all over in text. "God thinks my name is JOB and He is TESTING ME!!" Sigh. My dear neighbor is out there working on it now. Bless his heart. My neighbor could be a murderer, but all the stuff he's done for us would qualify him for heaven by now...

The generator is fixed. I HEAR IT RUNNING! Let the wind blow. My neighbor showed me how to start it so I should be all set in the event we lose power.

My husband wanted a plain boneless/skinless chicken thigh for supper so I ran in to town to get chicken. (I wanted to fill the gas cans too, so I kind of had to go.) I got myself another container of Mexican Street Corn dip. I love that stuff. That will my after dinner treat. Yum. I fixed the thighs and we're having them for supper. I gave him some mashed potatoes too, since he really needs to eat a bit more. The Oxycodone seems to have helped his belly pain. I am treating myself to a Pepsi, too. I shouldn't drink pop because I'm watching my sugar, but sometimes you have to just cut loose. Smile. I will probably drink 1/2 of a cup and call it good. What I really want is mass amounts of Miller Lite - way more than half a cup...

February 22, 2022 - On February 10th, my Mom would have been 100 years old. I was busy on that day with my husband at U of M. I thought of her, though. We used to always have ice storms around her Birthday. I don't think you ever stop missing your Mom. With my sister passing recently, I am sure my nieces are in full MISS MOM mode. It gets less 'achey' as time goes by, but the missing part will never stop.

Today we should get out fuse box changed out to a real electrical box. We have 'til March 1st or get our house insurance cancelled. It is due to rain all day and maybe have some icy rain included, so I'm not sure if they can do it or not. We'll see. I will be glad when it is done and I can remove that worry from my brain. We talked to a lawyer yesterday to get the proper paperwork going for Power of Attorney (for healthcare and for all other things) and a will and other stuff to make sure things are good in case. That was a huge relief off my mind, too. I put that off too long. I am SO happy that is in process. I am also so happy I am not materialistic and have next to nothing - makes the whole process much easier!

My husband's liver reminds him constantly that it is pissed off at the world. Sigh. Friday is the first visit with the cancer doctor. I want to know what kind of cancer it is. I want to know the 'stage' of the cancer if they can tell. I am sure they will order a full body MRI to see everything. I do know the type of cancer he has had to come from somewhere and did not originate in the liver. I am convinced it is from that stupid tumor blocking his bile duct. Just seeing that thing in a picture made me think he was the evil one. I have questions. I want answers. Waiting sucks. I have been trying to get up and move more just so he keeps his leg muscles worked a bit but he seldom does it. Norman "misses" playing with his Dad, and will go up and plop down on his lap (which is his stomach) and my husband gets so upset because it hurts. Norm doesn't know. When my husband was sleeping yesterday Norman went up to him and stood there for a full minute or two sniffing his stoma and his breath from there and just staring at his 'Dad.'

February 23, 2022 - My daughter bought my husband an Apple TV gift card so he could finish watching the available Ted Lasso shows. (That is a DAMNED GOOD SHOW. Amazingly good.) Apple is very proprietary so you need an Apple device to set up an Apple TV account. My husband has an IPhone, so I was able to do it eventually with his apple account - but not after fighting with it for an hour trying to use my own ID and PC. (It was, of course, worth it to watch Ted Lasso.)

We have a new electrical box! Yay! They had an issue getting the old one out since it was in there with four inch screws into the cement brick part of the walls, but by golly, they did it. They had to drill through the cement again for the new power line as well. Norman was quite confused about all the coming in and and going out of the electricians. He was upset by the drilling of the cement. He survived. Once they bring me an invoice and paid in full notice, I will submit the new pics and that to the insurance agency and get them off our back. ONE MORE THING off the worry list. I'll take it.

The last three days have had high temps in the high 40s to low 50s. I almost got stuck in my drive yesterday in a mud vortex, but it was warmer. Yesterday morning when I was standing outside with Norman waiting for him to take care of 'business' I looked up and talked to all of my friends and family that have departed this earth and said, "OK, so you guys are energy now going all over the universe and all, but as a collective group of energy - could you hold off the heavy rain they say we're supposed to get until AFTER the electricians are done - just over the house would be fine..." It sprinkled throughout the day, but the rain was never heavy and did not interfere with the new electrical box installation. I was happy for that. I left the house after work to run in to the store to fetch things for my husband and on the way IT JUST POURED. It made me laugh. "Thanks, Guys! You did it!" I've got friends in high places. Smile. Today however we're back to wind chills of 9 degrees. Bipolar Mother Nature needs a hug.

When I got to town, I stopped at the local hardware store and got another smoke detector. I feel better with a new electrical box, but the wiring in the house is like 50+ years old, so I worry about that - will then new inbound boost in power start fires in the wires? We'll see. I just felt better getting another smoke detector. I went upstairs and tested the one up there, too. At this point in my life I wouldn't even be shocked if there WAS a fire. Miss Sandy Morbid.

My husband keeps asking for certain foods which I gladly go fetch or fix, but then he can't eat it. I have to stop reacting and ask him if he REALLY wants it or it just sounds good before I run off to buy it. Sigh. I have a lot of uneaten food in my fridge that turns into my lunch and supper. His mainstay is a peanut butter banana Boost smoothie. Friday can't get here fast enough. (Not that Friday will bring any magic answers but we will at least get a game plan going.) I have to bundle Norman and my husband up tomorrow early to take him in to the local lab for a blood draw. A wee adventure, although I am sure he could think of other things he'd rather do to get out of the house, though...

February 24, 2022 - There are SO MANY robins out in the neighbor's yard. I think they like his one tree - possibly a crab apple tree? I thought I heard them the other day, but now you can SEE THEM EVERYWHERE. The red winged black birds are back too. Normally they are just PIGS and clean me out of birdseed, but now they are eating the huge pile of bird see the other birds didn't want all winter, so I am letting them clean that up. Win-win.

My cousin mentioned something to me in an email that inspired me to write back to him back and express my feelings over women's bladders (especially if they've had kids) and I waxed poetic to him about it and also stated that if I ever get to talk to God in person I was going to question the whole bladder design - I think they gave that job to some young, new intern angel who had no clue what to do - so we're all stuck with faulty bladders that never listen to us. Since I typed that letter, all I've done is PEE and in great quantities. Don't dis God, apparently. You pay the price in Poise pads....

I think I've spent more money on groceries in the last three weeks than I have in three months. Trying to find things my husband can and will eat is nearly impossible. He tells me what he wants but then he can't eat it. Poor Dude. I did find peanut butter powder, though!! He usually ends up having a banana, peanut butter, and Boost smoothie - but lately the peanut butter has been hurting his gut. I will try the peanut butter powder next time. Practically no fat and that should help a lot.

Tomorrow is the day. I hope he gets a plan in place. I am sure they will have to do a head to toe MRI, though, to find out if the cancer is somewhere else (since they've said in the biopsy test results that it is from somewhere else and not just 'liver' cancer per say, it has to be somewhere that shared with the liver.) I have my money on that damned turd looking tumor that blocked his bile duct... Hopefully that is it. The more confined it is, I think the better. The 'no plan in place' is kind of killing us both, nerve wise, that's for sure. He had blood work this morning, and the results came back in already. His white blood cell count is way elevated and the Doctor said if he got chills or a fever to let them know right away. I have notified the doctor...

February 26, 2022 - Well, the deed is done. My husband had his visit with his cancer doctor. I like this doctor. He went through all the scans and reports with us. He showed us the liver view - it is just covered with lesions and it's also in the the lymph glads near his liver. It is 'cancer of the liver' or secondary cancer since it it didn't start in the liver. He showed us Todd's stomach (no cancer) and pancreas (no cancer) so he is pretty darned sure it is from biliary tree/bile duct since that is where a bigger tumor resides. Looking at the scans showed SO MANY LESIONS all over his poor liver. So many...

He also told us that it is Stage 4. Without chemo the doctor said maybe 4 months. With chemo - he could last a year. The end result is the same, however. Of course my husband is mad. He said, "No damned chemo...let's just get this over with..." That was last night. I told him we'd discuss all of the technical info on Saturday. It's Saturday. We will discuss today. A person has a right to at least try. I told him, "Maybe you will be that one in a million it reverses and there is a miracle, you don't know!" However, we both know it's not going to 'reverse' any time soon.

I told him about my BFF's sister who, before she died, regretted having chemo since her life was miserable from it. I also told him about our friend Sue's brother who never regretted having chemo as it gave him extra time on Earth. The decision is hard for him, I know. I want him to know all he can know before he chooses. No matter what, he has to get his electrolytes in balance before he could even start chemo if he chooses that. The four hour infusions to do this start next week. Twice a week for two weeks.

So there we are. Not much else matters to me at this point in life. I will vent here. If I say something that offends any of you - well, it is what it is. I no doubt will with venting. Forgive me ahead of time.

Now, some random thoughts out of my brain... This morning there was a red winged black bird convention in my neighbor's front tree. I love their calls and chitting but as I've stated before, they are pigs when it comes to bird food, but still - I appreciated all the chaotic chatter. The robins are still out in force. There is hope for spring. When I walked out in the dog pen with Norman this morning, a mouse ran off to the nearest flower pot to take cover. This is funny because my son was just complaining about the mouse invasion in his house. Tis the season.

I have tried to learn why Russia wants Ukraine back and I'm still really not sure. I need someone who is more politically smarter than me to explain whey they feel they need to use force to take Ukraine. Ugh. All war in any form always confuses me. I don't understand that type of aggression. Hell, I don't even understand why our country is so stupid - how am I supposed understand world things? In this case, I choose ignorance, please. If it were me I'd put Ukraine and Russian leaders in a room by themselves until they learned to get along together.

My husband sat in my desk chair this morning and gave some lovin' to Norman who's been missing his "Dad" something fierce. It was sweet to see. Norman is confused as to why "Dad" has changed. Aren't we all. Homer wanted some malt o meal for breakfast (a good sign to me, since he's rarely in the mood to eat) so I fixed a bowl. He got one bit down before it all came back up. With his layrngectomy from 2020, his throat is not longer connected to his trachea which means all of that has been rebuilt. There is no stopping acid from refluxing upwards from his stomach. He had drank two Boost drinks earlier in the morning and there is no room now in his stomach for malt-o-meal, so up it came. Sigh.

I need to run to the pharmacy to get more pain meds for my husband. Have a good Saturday.

February 28, 2022 - My husband has decided he has to fight this cancer, so we are GO for chemo treatments. The amount of appointments coming up is rather daunting. I was a baby and cried a bit this morning while I was coordinating Norman babysitting with all the trips. My youngest son is an angel for being the most available to help. I pay him, though - since he's losing work hours for us. My daughter is taking the 7th, so that is good, too. We have to run to U of M next week as well to get his TEP changed out. He is worried that if he is nauseated by the chemo that it will ruin the one he has. Our tech at U of M said that he'd have one less thing to worry about if we switch it out before the chemo starts, so she overbooked herself for us on the 9th just for us. I love that woman. She is a saint.

He get his chemo port in on the 14th, to make it faster/easier to get chemo treatments. The first chemo treatment, however, will be normal I.V. I don't think he'll enjoy that much. I can at least work from the Cancer Center while he is going through the chemo and infusions, etc. (I need to keep the insurance in place about now, don't you think?)

It is now evening and I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. All the running and the like has registered in my brain and I have accepted it. It is what it is, as they say. This is the trip we'll be taking for Homer and I will be the best cruise director I can be... Tomorrow is our 42nd Wedding anniversary. Wow. Just wow. Many of those years were rough - up and down and under, but here we are. Maybe we don't have another year left together. Maybe we do. Maybe I'll die first and he'll be able to get super new treatments with my life insurance and live forever. Maybe, though - we'll just make it through tomorrow. That will be the goal...

March 3, 2022 - Last night I was so frustrated I vented all over my BFF and my daughter. I apologize to both. After a night's worth of sleep, I feel much better. Sleep can help clear your mind. (Putin needs to take a damned nap, apparently...)

Yesterday was my husbands first infusion to help balance his electrolytes. So this is how the process will go going forward: He'll arrive to get his blood work (they have to do a comprehensive metabolic panel on his blood every time he walks in that building) then wait for a while, then start his chemo. That takes a few hours. When that is done he will have to sit there and get his infusion to fix his electrolytes. So all total, he will be there for about 6 - 7 hours on those days. I will be able to work from the Cancer Center while I am there, thank goodness. My daughter is taking March 7th. Then we go to U of M on the 9th to get his TEP replaced since he's worried the older one will fail anyway if he pukes from chemo. (Our tech at U of M for this process is an fricken angel to work us in.) His first official chemo day is the 10th. He gets a port installed on the 14th, that should ease the issue of finding a vein. He had a vein blow up yesterday while they were taking his blood for testing and his hand was swollen and puffy from that.

I vented to my daughter and BFF because people have volunteered to help, but how in the heck am I going to ask someone to help when they have to haul him up there, grab him a wheelchair since he doesn't seem to want to walk much, find something to do for most of the day, then haul him home. I could never ask anyone to do that, but as my BFF said - people DO want to help. When they offer help, they know what they are offering. I may call in a few of those offers eventually. Just the fact it was the first day and reality set in - well, that threw my poor brain for a loop.

The cancer center locks it's doors at 5:00 p.m. You can get out, you just can't get back in. There were three people besides my husband that went past 5:30. We left at 5:30. I wheeled him to the doors and he did walk to the car, thank goodness, but he left his favorite hemorrhoid pillow on the wheelchair. I thought of that just before we left. There is no number to call to ask someone to come down and activate the doors. I tried the main hospital info line who sent me to security and security said they have no clue who to contact nor have any numbers and threw me back to the main desk who suggested I call the Cancer Center and press the button to leave a message for the doctor on call. UGH. I knew one of those people had to leave sooner or later, so just stood there at the glass door, staring at the damned pillow for 20 minutes. One lady left and I assured her I wasn't there to attack her, I just needed my husband's pillow and I grabbed it up real quick and scampered back to the car. Trust me, I am calling today and getting the nurses station phone number for the chemo floor...

When we got home my husband realized he didn't have enough pain meds to last all night. He asked me to email the doctor. I did. I am SO MAD at the doctors and pharmacies who for years abused the use of oxycodone and now people who legitimately need it have to go through and practically sacrifice a goat just to get several days worth of it. You have to sign a paper stating you know the issues with this drug, then the insurance has to approve you to use it and not abuse it, then they only give you a small amount. THIS DRIVES ME NUTS. WE'RE NOT GOING TO SELL IT ON THE STREETS, FOR GOSH SAKES!! Anyway, I called the family doctor's office as soon as it opened and talked to my favorite receptionist to ask her to ask our doctor to read his messages and get a script over for Todd as soon as possible to our local pharmacy. Sigh. He is literally watching the clock now.

Today we will discuss my need for him to be responsible for some of his own issue himself. Watching the pain med situation is one of those things. Trying to walk more is another. I will also ask him to NOT assume I have everything (such as roid pillows and the like) when we enter or leave buildings. He can help me out there... I can't take away what is happening to him but he can help out the journey a bit by participation. So far it's been like he's a two year old that goes limp and I have to drag him around. This will need to end.

He survives mainly now on Boost and Boost smoothies. On Tuesday I broke the glass container to my blender so at lunch I ran to the store and got a new blender plus a cane. He gets so 'tippy' I figured he could use it. He also wanted an air fryer so I could try making him lower fat french fries and the like if he feels up to solid food. I guess the way to get new appliances is to have someone in the house get cancer, huh? Smile.

March 5, 2022 - I had a desire to sleep in on this Saturday morning, but I also have a needy, spoiled Great Dane. He started attempting to wake me up this morning at 4:30 a.m. He stood over me, pinning me to the bed (which defeats the purpose of me getting up and all, since I can't because I have a gigantic dog holding me down.) I managed to get him to lie back down and I made feeble attempts to itch his belly so I could doze a bit longer. That lasted until 4:50 a.m. when he was back over me being all Norman needy. I was mad and grabbed his tail to pull myself up and we got out of bed. Sigh. I let him out and stood there in my nightgown being mad while he did his business, and there to the west was a fireball! I have seen one other big one like this several years ago. This one was green as well as the first one I saw. Quite cool. I came in and reported it to the American Meteor Society. (I would like to state for the record that for a split second when I saw that fireball, my first thought was nuclear war and Putin being an ass and all. It is sad we have to have that in our heads - the real fear of a nuclear event at the hands of mad men. Sigh. Why do the masses have to pay for the whims of the few?)

I believe my kids will be here today. I know they want to see their Dad. Their Dad was not the best Dad when they were growing up. He didn't participate in events and the like - mainly he worked and slept a lot and was grumpy. He did, however, fix things for them when the need arose and rescue them when their cars died when they were in their teens and even as they have become adults. They love their Dad.

I will express more fear here... what if my husband gets sick sick on top of being sick with cancer? There is no way I can protect him from all germs. One of my dear friends wanted to stop by for a visit and I told her 'no' because of this fear. Duh. I should have let her come over. My mental health about now is as important as his physical health. I can't isolate him from the world. Covid made us very scared of EVERYTHING so I understand why I feel the way I feel, of course. I am tired of feeling that way...

My husband asked me to email his cancer doctor about the fact he has constant 'sulfur' burps. The response was, "Unfortunately, this is the progression of the disease..." I also got him in to the family doctor yesterday afternoon for his bed sores. Our doctor said most likely the sulfur burps are a result of the stent in his bile duct. They sent a script to our pharmacy for a cream to use on the sites of his sores. I brought my husband home (and Norman, since he had to go too) and left them here and went back in to town to get his prescription. They had JUST gotten it when I pulled up to their drive through and said it would be at least 15 minutes, so I was forced to drive to the little town next to ours and get a Wendy's Chocolate Frosty, of course. My sugar has been normal human numbers - so I felt like I deserved a treat.

I had a moment the other day where I cried worrying about the fact that when my husband gets 'bad' - would I have to find a new home for Norman? Norman is needy and doesn't understand that my husband is sick and NORMAN IS HUGE. When it gets to the point where I need nurses on site from time to time and the like, WHAT ABOUT NORMAN. I can't bear to give him away, I really cannot. I am sure it will work out, as things in life normally do...

Today is my Mother-in-laws birthday. Even though she's left us here on Earth, she is always on my mind. We have a wall clock she gave us years ago, and the pendulum sometimes works but mainly doesn't. The last few weeks there are spells where that pendulum just whacks the heck out of the clock like it's mad at life. I always tell my sister in laws that 'Mom is back!" when the pendulum goes nuts. I expect it will kick in here soon so Mom can tell us it's her birthday. Smile.

My sister is always on my mind, too. I so miss her to talk to... I am able to talk to my nieces so that is a huge help for sure. I told them about the other day at the local grocery store - an older (than me) lady came up and asked me where the popcorn was so I walked her around to the other side of the aisle and showed her, and she said, "I knew you'd know, you used to work here." I told her that it wasn't me, but my sister who used to work at that store. I told her about my sister's recent passing and how I was honored I looked so much like her. I see my sister every time I look in the mirror...

I think what life boils down to is enjoying your friends and family and the fireballs and the sunny weather and the slobbery dogs and all of the stuff that makes up life AS MUCH AS YOU CAN WHILE YOU CAN. I already knew this fact but I appreciate it more every day.

March 8, 2022 - It is the end of a very long 39 hours. On Monday I woke up at 5 a.m. to begin my broadcast day. I was looking forward to it. My daughter was going to take my husband for his electrolyte infusion in the afternoon. I had a 'free' day to just work. I was excited. Well now, funny how things change...

My daughter took her Dad up to the Cancer Center and he had his blood work done. We have the MyChart function for our hospital and doctors. It posted new blood work. I looked. "Ut Oh..." His bilirubin was through the roof again. Just as I saw that, Chelsea said, "The doctor wants me to take Dad to ER since his blood work is wonky..." Ugh. Something was going wrong with his stent. He had been feeling just terrible for the last two days. I can see why now. I'll be damned if I can see his color changing until I've been away from him for a while. I should have seen this coming...

My daughter took him over to ER. Of course, ERs are always FULL. She stayed until about 5, then came home to bring my car and let me go up. (After I left the house, she cleaned up the house very nicely. Very kind of her. Her brother came to stay with Norman. I have damned good kids.) My husband was just very miserable when I got in to ER. At least he was in an ER room. That is a blessing. He has a suction machine to vacuum out his stoma, so I'm sure they don't like people just sucking snot in the lobby out of a hole in their neck. The doctor came in just as I got there and she said that they had been on the phone with University of Michigan doctors and they wanted him to transfer form our ER to the U of M ER. "I'll go arrange transportation..." she said. "No! I took him last time this happened. You won't find anyone. I'll sign off on him. Just discharge him so we can go!" So they did...

We went home first. My husband, by then, looked like he wasn't going to make it ANYWHERE. I threw together a suitcase and things he'd need and I reserved a room for myself a a hotel in Ann Arbor and my son loaded up the car and off we went. (I SO forgot to pack my husband more clothes. Ugh.) On the way to U of M, he said, "I can't do this again - this trips are too much..." I would like to state for the record that I HATE DRIVING AT NIGHT. Light refracts off my de-cataracted eye and I just HATE IT. Homer slept most of the way, which let me concentrate on not killing us both.

As my friend Linda will attest, it's kind of sad when you get to know a place like Ann Arbor and the U of M hospital so well that driving to it and through it feels like you are 'home' - sigh. I pulled in to ER. They plopped Homer into a wheel chair and took him in. I gave another guy my keys and off he went with my car. Zip. Gone. (I got a ticket with my valet number on it, though.) We checked him in and I had to go upstairs to wait. There were no extra people allowed in ER. It was quite full. SO MANY VERY SICK LOOKING PEOPLE. I had taken a bag of his stuff which included his phone upstairs with me like an idiot. After two hours, I went back down and told them I was going to leave but I needed to give him his stuff. They led me back to him. He was squirreled away in a back hallway next to a table. At least he was isolated. He looked so sad. It broke my heart. I left him there to go check into my room at the hotel and I cried.

By the time I got my bag into my room I was just so so so tired. I checked work first, then tried to sleep. I couldn't sleep. I tossed n turned for four hours. I have also been having pain in my right ankle - it locks up and the pain shoots all though me. I had it worked on Monday morning and my chiro found a bone out of place and he popped it back and it felt pretty good most of the day yesterday, but now it's back to being a vengeful creature. Sigh. Right now I have it propped up on a garbage can with a bag of ice on it.

I got up and worked on line until 8:30, then just tacked my hair up and went up to the ER again. He was at least in a room. He has had hiccups for two days now and I found him in there making hiccup noises while he dozed. I had missed the consult with the hospital doctors. Ugh. They wanted to go back in and try to fix the stent - or clean up the stent area. He had a sonogram last night and a CAT scan. They could see there was infection in there around the bile duct. He had to wait for a room. I told him, "Honey, I can barely walk and I'm just so tired - I'm just going back to the hotel room, OK? I can't help you here." (Plus, he was mainly dozing off a lot.) He told me it was OK to go but you could see it in his eyes that he didn't want me to go. Ugh. I had signed up for text alerts on the boy - so I knew when he was assigned a room this afternoon around 4 p.m. I went back up tonight around six p.m. to kiss him goodnight. He was so happy I was there. (He immediately fell asleep, but he was happy I was there, I know that much.) I talked to the nurse and they want to do the surgery tomorrow. I have no clue when. They have him on an antibiotic drip as well as a saline drip. (His sodium levels are way too low). I read the results of his CT scan, and it looks like some of the lymph areas were it has metastasized where a bit bigger already - but his stomach, lungs, pancreas, stomach, and spleen were all cancer free at this point. Apparently the liver is just covered all over now with 'lesions'...

So now I am ending my broadcast day that started yesterday at five a.m. I will turn on a show I know will lull me and see if that helps tonight getting to sleep. I limped into a local Meijer store to get a little fan so I'd have white noise but they had NO fans. I will use Forensic Files or something like that as white noise instead. Tomorrow has to be a better day, right? Has to be.

March 10, 2022 - I am waiting for my breakfast from room service, then I'll pack up and head out. I only reserved this room 'til today. If my husband has to stay another day, I'll move to a different hotel. This one is not my favorite. It's more expensive but lacks the kindness I got at the other place from last time. I will call that place if I have to spend one more night. I snagged the front desk fan last night and used it as white noise in my room so I could sleep better. I have to remember to bring a fan with me when this happens again. This place has a smart toilet - meaning it knows when you are in the bathroom and automatically shoots out a cleaning spray and warms the seat. Spooky. It also has a bidet in the toilet part but I never did like bidets....

He had stent surgery yesterday afternoon. The surgery took longer than the first time due to the fact they had to clean out his bile ducts/old stents and replace them. They added one more further up in a duct as well. When we were in pre-op yesterday I was talking to the one nurse and he said, "Yeah, this happens. You usually have to have the stent fixed every couple of weeks..." I was so upset! I didn't know that. I made them get the surgeon after my husband was in recovery to ask about this. "Yes, they don't stay in there long...normally you just need to stent the ducts and you drain and all is well, but in your case he has tumors causing issue..." UGH. So this will either be a regular thing? I also asked him if he couldn't just put in a drain tube to the outside and I could change the bags. He said that is a very real possibility if the stents continue to fail as they have. I would like to stress the UGH part again... I am going to insist that they teach our local hospital about how to take care of this...

I am eating my breakfast. I am starving. They brought some kind of berry jelly to use on my toast. I think it is good, but I'm more concerned with shoving the scrambled eggs down. Last night when I left the hospital I drove to a DXL Big and Tall shop to get his more sweats and shirts. I had totally forgot in our rush to pack the boy clothes. The sweats he has now are in dire need of being washed. I really hope he can come home today. Really Really.

I just got said berry jelly all over the jeans I am wearing. I am glad I have a back up pair!

I have no clue where we will go from here in my husband's journey. (They call it a journey, but it more like the dude is being dragged naked behind a horse on acid through shards of glass.) Sigh. One day at a time, I guess.

March 11, 2022 - It's really still the 10th, but by the time I'm done typing I am sure it will be past midnight. I need to vent before I try to sleep.

The week has been stressful, to say the least. I've been trying to keep up with work and my husband. By this morning he was calling and texting constantly "Where are you?" so I finished up what I could for work, checked out of my hotel room (since I only got it until Thursday morning) and went up to see the boy. When I limped my way to his room he just went to sleep. I am sure knowing I'm there is a comfort, but I get frustrated as I could have worked longer if he was just going to sleep. His sodium level was still lower than they wanted it to be before sending him home. He has a low grade temperature as well. They filled him full of IV saline and alternated it with IV antibiotics. The first wave of doctors didn't want him to go home today unless his sodium level came up. He was just miserable there. He is just miserable in general.

I limped down to get a sandwich from the cafeteria and went back up to his room. I was eating it when the nurse came in and said, "You are not supposed to be eating in the room - you can go to the cafeteria, since up here you have your mask off to eat and we can't have that. The first time is just a warning and then we would get security involved..." I started crying. I have drank and eaten there all week and not one nurse said one damned word. This was a very young nurse who was very full of herself. I am glad she follow rules but she said that at just the wrong time and it was the straw that broke my emotional back. I threw the sandwich in the garbage along with the orange juice I had purchased. The nurse said, "Well, you could have gone to the cafeteria!" and I looked at her and cried more. I upset my husband by crying. I wanted to shout at her, "YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE LAST TWO AND A HALF YEARS WITH HIS THROAT CANCER AND NURSING HIM AFTER THAT AND NOW THIS!! ALL THE SUPPOSITORIES I'VE HAD TO SHOVE UP HIS BUM AND ALL THE CLEANING UP OF HIS BUM AND ALL THE RUNNING AROUND AND PAYING ALL THE BILLS AND DOING ALL THE SHOPPING PLUS WORKING FULL TIME AND DEALING WITH INSURANCE AND DOCTORS FOR HIM AND ..." Well, you get the idea. I had a mini break down. When she left I still couldn't stop crying so I told my husband I was going to go to Meijer to get a supply of his Boost before he got released and I left. He texted three times on my way there and called three times. "You are coming back, right?"

I got my wee breakdown out of my system on the way to the store. I limped through Meijer and picked up his Boost and purified water for his vaporizer. I drove slowly back to the hospital and got my head re-organized. She was just doing her job and I was just very tired, stressed, and did not need to get chastised by anyone right about then. I survived. I limped back to his room and sat down and slept a bit in the chair while he slept in his chair. At four p.m. one of the doctors came back since his blood work just showed up and he said it was still not where they wanted it but if we got him to his cancer doctor to get infusions then he would release us. They called in scripts for him on antibiotics, too, that I will have to run and get when the pharmacy opens up tomorrow morning. Then the doctor mentioned that they found masses on his lungs as well during the scans but I did not hear that nor read that in his on line scan reports earlier! I thought it was all clear besides the liver cancer and the bile duct tumors!! The doctor said he had discussed this with my husband. My husband did not remember having that discussion. Sigh. The doctor thought check out process would take about an hour, so I packed up all of his stuff and hauled his stuff out to the car (slowly). Then when all the stuff was done for release, I plopped him in a wheel chair to push him out to the car (slowly). I was grateful for that chair to lean on, to be honest. I am calling my chiropractor's office the second they open up tomorrow morning and demanding I see someone. I can't keep on going on like this with all the pain in my ankle and leg.

When we stopped at a rest stop to pee, he had to have help into the place and I was worried he would fall so I just took him into the women's bathroom with me, got him on a toilet, and then I went. On the way out he said, "I'm going to have to have a walker..." We have a walker from when he had his layrngectomy. I called my son (who babysat Norman all week for us) to ask him to go upstairs and bring down the walker. We'd need it for getting Dad into the house.

I believe I mentioned this before, but I HATE DRIVING AT NIGHT!

When we got home I made my son bring in all the bags of my suitcase and the jugs of water and the cases of Boost. My husband asked me to get his vacuum set up (he has to suction out phlegm from his stoma from his lungs). He decided to try to make the legs on the walker taller, and ended up breaking it somehow. He demanded I call our neighbor to come fix it. It was almost nine p.m. I told him I would call him tomorrow and he said HE NEEDED THAT WALKER OR I WAS STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO GET HIM TO AND FROM THE BATHROOM. I called my neighbor. He said he would be over soon but he was at a party or a friends house or a bar - I could hear in the background. As soon as I called my neighbor to come fix the walker leg, my husband fell asleep. Plop. Without his fretting over it, I fixed the walker myself and let my neighbor know.

I've completed a hot soak in the tub to relax my leg muscles and now I am icing my ankle. I am afraid to leave him alone by going to bed, so I'll try sleeping in my lazy boy but I don't like it. I want to sleep in a bed. Norman is in bed waiting for me. Norman will live. I may not.

OK, so this is really the 11th - I did end up going into my own bed last night once I saw my husband could manage (kind of - with his walker) getting in and out of the bathroom (after I moved the rugs out and the side stand and laundry basket.) However, we had a step up to the bathtub that was going to have to go. He also wanted a toilet extension thingy to make it taller for him so he didn't have to strain so much to get off the seat. I called our local medical supply company and bought one and asked my dear friend Sue to go down there and get it for me. She did and I adore her for it. I was going to install it, but I couldn't get the seat off. My husband said to send a message to our youngest son, who is a 'house flipper' guy. I texted my son and asked him to come over on Saturday to install that seat for me and on his way pick up a grab bar and mount it on the wall next to the toilet. My son texted back, "Do you want me to do it today?" OF COURSE! He came over and removed that step, installed the toilet booster seat, and installed the grab bar. Bless his soul. My husband just woke up a bit ago and said out of the blue, "That was a f&*#ing nice job he did in there..." then fell back to sleep. Hahahaha. I must say that the booster seat makes it so I will have to prop my feet up on a step to potty, other wise my legs will just dangle there. I am glad it works for my husband, though. Now, if he would stop sleeping on the toilet when he gets in there...

Ah to sleep, perchance to dream - and no doubt my husband has been doing a lot of that today. He said earlier his pain was not too bad today. Well, I found out why! In the hospital they were giving him two 5 mg. pills of oxycodone every four hours for his pain. He has 10 mg. oxycodone from our family doctor here at home. I told him three times lat night and again this morning that he just takes ONE. He said, "I know!" He did not know. He woke this afternoon when my son was here and showed me a pad of paper he was recording his doses on and is said "two pills" on the top. "Honey, you've been taking two pills!!??!?!" "Yes, I did at the hospital..." I explained to him that he was taking WAY TOO MUCH. No wonder he can't stay awake. I made him up daily charts so he can write it down when he takes his pain medicine, how much water he's drinking, and calorie intake from his Boost. At the top of each daily page it says TAKE ONLY ONE PILL OF OXY!! I told him to hold off as long as he can before taking any more today. I don't think that will be a problem. He has fallen asleep again over there texting his brother... I worry because the last few weeks his mental state has been off. He never has listened to me much in the last 42 years so I am not sure why I'm worried, but lately it's been different. He will give me the strangest looks as if he's a million miles away or he's not sure where he is. (This has started before the oxy incident mentioned above, by the way.) Then I think "has the cancer gotten to his brain!?" Ugh.

I snagged a chiropractor appointment at 12:40 today. Norman and my husband were napping when I left so I felt like I could leave for half an hour. He said my hip was way out of place and my neck was good and knotted from stress. I cried and told him about my week. He hugged me, then adjusted my hip, my spine, then snapped my ankle back in place. It felt wonderful and lasted approximately three hours. Sigh. My cousin suggested that I see an orthopedic doctor about this as his Mom had such issues and if she had see one he was sure she wouldn't have suffered so much. I might do that as soon as I have time to go to my family doctor so I can get a referral and find an ortho doctor, go to said doctor, get xrays, etc. I have iced my hip and ankle today as well. At least it isn't such searing pain where I want to slit my wrist and cry constantly. That is an improvement.

I caught up on my dishes today/tonight and caught up on laundry. I swept the living room rug where Norman gutted a new toy. I worked a full day, too. It felt good to be home. We go Monday to the hospital to get a port installed for his infusions. Both of my husband's arms looks horrid from the bruising from the IVs. He looks like he lost a few fights for sure. They can't find veins to do blood work with much anymore. I will have to figure out how to give him a "bath' because he can't step over the tub any more and he suggest getting Norman's plastic pool for summer. I almost considered it but it wouldn't fit in the bathroom. He is supposed to shower with antibiotic soap before Monday's port installation - but that isn't going to happen.

I emailed his Cancer group asking questions and letting them know he did not want to try chemo this next week. (He was scheduled to start on Thursday.) We see his cancer doctor on Thursday. I believe, even if he doesn't do chemo, he will still need those infusions to keep his sodium levels up, but it hardly worked at the University of Michigan.

We carry on.

March 12, 2022 - I decided to be lazy just now and I loaded Norman in the car and drove to my own mailbox. That way I didn't have to cause my ankle pain by walking and Norman got a 'ride' so he is happy. It is windy and cold today and right now the temperature is 16 with a wind chill of 2 degrees.

I saw on the on line patient portal that my husband no longer had a scheduled visit with his cancer doctor. I was kind of upset. I emailed him and the oncology team, but I doubt I'll hear from them since they didn't respond last week when I asked questions. For us having to deal with this bad of cancer makes me feel like the medical people should be prompt in response. For them I am sure it is just a job and they get out at 4:30 whether you are dying or not... I will call Monday morning. He is due to have a port put in for chemo on Monday morning but I don't know if he has enough strength to make it up there and back. There is a whole day for him to get some spunk back...

My boys came over to babysit Norman and their Dad so I could go to town and get prescriptions and some groceries. The pharmacy had not filled the bed sore cream since insurance wouldn't pay for it until "the13th" because he had a previous prescription for it. I told them to just give it to me and I would pay for it. Cripes. They can't make a one day concession? Really? (As you can tell, my patience for rules and regulations have flown out the window at a high rate of speed.) He is starting to get sores in more places down there now and this is no time to follow stupid rules like that... When I got back I asked them to stay long enough for me to take a real shower.

He had an accident on the kitchen floor - he had to pee so bad he couldn't make it to the bathroom. I cleaned him up, changed his socks and shoes and night shirt. I cleaned up the floor. He has also finally started to try to have bowel movements after a whole week without but they are so hard and compact I have to get up in there to get them out. I feel bad for the boy. I have ordered a stand alone commode to have here in the living room for him in case he has to go so badly he can't make the trip to the toilet in the bathroom. Now, I just have to figure out the best way to clean the boy. We do not have a walk in type shower area, and he can't lift his legs over the tub, so I will have to just do sponge baths I suppose. My son suggested maybe a camping portable shower - some of the truck driver's he's seen on the road use those - but where would I set that up? I am sure sponge baths will work for now, but if anyone has any suggestion on how to wash his hair, please let me know. His feet and legs are so swollen. That has to hurt or be very uncomfortable. I loosened his tennis shoes as much as I could. After I cleaned him up from the accident, I also cut his toe nails. Maybe bodily maintenance will just be sections a day.

My daughter will be down next weekend to help me out and I am sending her home my older car so she can come 'home' if I need her. She doesn't have her own car and she can't drive a stick and that is what her husband has in his car. All the kids have been awesome. All my friends have been so supportive. I am blessed. My dear friend Lisa just stopped by to drop off a watercolor painting of daffodils she had painted for me. She held me and rocked me for a while. That felt comforting. My husband gets upset when people come over and I totally understand NOW, but he's always been that way and I need these people... He was in the bathroom when Lisa came in for a second. Our neighbor down the road stopped by earlier, too, to bring us a pumpkin roll just to be nice and say they were all praying for us. That was also very sweet. Everyone has been damned supportive.

The drafts from the lawyer came while we were in Ann Arbor. I will call them Monday too to ask if they can come here to have Todd sign his part. I doubt he'd make it in and out their office to do so. Maybe it can also happen when my daughter is home because there is stuff she has to sign too, since she if my runner up on things in case I die first. I think life goes by at the speed of light your whole entire life until you get old or get to dying - then I think time shrieks to a halt and makes you suffer a little. Almost like it is saying "Neener neener NEEEENER!"

The only good thing lately is that I've not even LOOKED or LISTENED to any news. Nukes could be inbound and I'd not know until I was a dust pile on the floor. To be totally honest, it has been nice not to worry about a possible WWIII and nice not seeing all the stupid in the outside world. Maybe this whole cancer thing is a way of saying 'enough is enough' and 'just enjoy your day to day, moment to moment life' which is just fine by me. He just had a bowel movement on his own! Hurray!! See - moment by moment - small victories - I will enjoy those.

March 15, 2022 - So much seems to have happened in the last few days... I am very tired - I have to get up every two hours to tend to my husband's potty needs. He made huge mess trying to make it to the bathroom last night. That took 45 minutes to get him and the floor cleaned up. (When this is all over, I am throwing that damned bell away...)

People have been so generous. I cannot begin to explain how in awe I am of everyone's offers to help and the gifts and the love. When things are at their worst, you realize how blessed you are..

My son was over yesterday because my husband was scheduled for a port insertion. Husband said he didn't feel able to go and he has chosen no chemo anyway, so I cancelled the port process. His feet are swollen and so huge and so are his legs. He can barely get up on them. My son stayed even though we were not going up and did chores for me and kept Norman entertained. Today my son came over again since we finally got an appointment with the cancer doctor but once again my husband said NO he couldn't make it. I left messages this morning for the doctor and the cancer team and the doctor's nurse and had not head from anyone. I finally called and talked to a nurse navigator this morning. She happened to be my nurse navigator from when I had breast cancer and she remembered me right away. (I tend to leave an impression on people, I think...) She listened to all of my concerns and she said she would go right up and talk with the cancer doctor. It wasn't even an hour later and she called back to tell my his doctor would call at 11 to talk to me personally. Bless her soul.

When the doctor called, he said that chemo was not a valid thing for my husband anymore after seeing the blood work from U of M. He said he didn't know it would progress this fast. I wish he had know sooner so we wouldn't have put the poor dude through that second bile duct surgery. He said he would call hospice for us and get that going. I was relieved. I need some kind of help. When hospice called, I told them the first thing I needed was one of those recliners that lift the patient up so they can stand. They don't have those anymore since they were being returned with bed bugs and the like. Ugh. Hospice will come on Wednesday at 10 a.m.

My brother in law stopped by and since he has a truck, I called the closest furniture store and ordered one of those chairs and paid for it so my brother in law and my son could run and get it. It was a sign - since we now had a truck and all. They got it, hauled the old one out and put the new on in. A blessing really. My youngest learned to work all the buttons and showed his Dad when they had it set up. The chair also works to get him closer to his suction machine so he can clean his stoma on his own. I am glad he can still do that for now. Right now he's trying to do it but is sleeping again. I just woke him up to finish.

The lawyer and his assistant came over at 3:30 to have us sign all the paperwork for our wills and power of attorney and power of health attorney and the ladybird thingy that keeps the house out of probate. That is all we have - is the property and the house. We have never been materialistic people to amass any great amount of anything except a large great dane and a muddy driveway.

I ordered a stand alone commode to have in the living room and that came today and my son assembled it. My husband hates it - it hurts is hind end way too much. Ugh. I also ordered some overly large socks to fit his swollen feet and two pairs of edema slippers so he'd have back up if he messes up his current pair again. I hope I get a chance to use them...

Now I'm falling asleep typing so I will just update the site with this info and sleep in my chair while I can until the bell rings. Thank you all for your concern, your prayers, and your generosity.

March 16, 2022 - When my husband wants a Boost to drink, he ask for Covid. Somewhere in his brain those two words are all discombobulated. Poor dude.

He got 'admitted' by hospice today. Two very nice ladies came to the house and we talked about everything. Early this morning he said, "Hospice comes in and takes over everything..." he was worried about that. I told them that when they walked in so they talked directly to my husband that their only job was to make him more comfortable and pain free. They didn't take over 'everything' and withhold drugs for him or over drug him. This seemed to calm him down as he slept through most of the visit. I should have a nurse on site twice a week and someone to come out several times a week to do bathing, etc. I am thinking about now, though - will we even need them? It seems to be going at such a fast pace. His urine is dark already and he is turning yellow again so it is obvious his stents already failed. If the cancer doesn't kill him first, that bilirubin will... He gets scared if he thinks I'm gone. I took my keys to drive my car to the mailbox since my foot still hurts so badly, and the look on his face when I left was so sad.

I took the phone outside today to call the local funeral home. (My son was here to keep an eye on Dad.) I stressed to the nice lady who answered that I did NOT want a phone call to the house yet since it is such a small house and I didn't want to talk about cremation in front of the poor man. Three times I told her this and gave her my email and requested just pdf documents sent to me with pricing on basic cremation. She said she would make sure the director that took the info knew all of this. So who in the hell calls while I'm out with Norman? THE STUPID FUNERAL DIRECTOR. I WAS SO DAMNED MAD. Immediately they lost my business by leaving a message so my poor husband could hear. How stupid can you be? I have another funeral home to call tomorrow. We just want a basic cremation. Nothing fancy. Lordy - I can't tell you how mad I was. When I called him back I told him how mad I was, boy howdy.

My husband woke up a bit ago and had to pee. He has to stand up to do this and once he's done, I clean him up and back in the chair he goes. Five minutes after that he was raising his chair up almost as far as it could go to the point he could have fallen out of it. "Where do you think you are going young man?" I asked him. He opened his eyes for a second and just shrugged his shoulders. I told him to lower himself down Five minutes after that he told me had to pee again. "Honey, you just went...are you sure you have to go?" He decided to wait. He waited another three minutes. Since he's started getting bad I could almost sleep 1/2 hour in between getting him up to pee when he requested it - but now I think I won't be able to sleep at all. If he messes with that chair and ends up on the floor.....oh my, I don't even want to think about it. I am glad my new coffee maker came today. After he sits down, I am taking the controller for the chair away from him and hanging it on the table next to him so he doesn't have a moment of lucidity, feeling the controller in his hand, and setting himself up again... I mentioned that maybe he would like having a catheter and bag - that way he wouldn't feel that urine pressure. He didn't say anything, just went back to sleep.

I don't have many regrets in my life but the one I do have was not knowing how bad off he really was and making him go through that stent surgery last week. All that undo pain and discomfort. Going forward I am going to be more aggressive with doctors and ask more questions and demand they tell me things. (Not for my husband but for me in the future.) I feel like all the crap that is happening to my husband now is what my poor friend Laura went through with her cancer. It was like the hospitals and doctors just kept taking the money and putting her through more stupid stuff and didn't care about HER. I feel that way again about my husband.

March 17, 2022 - I gave him pain meds at 12:30 a.m. and the next thing I know is he's calling my name at 5 a.m. I have not slept for that long of a period in two weeks. I was disorientated!! He said, "Call hospice and tell them to haul me away - by body is tingling and everything hurts and I am so weak..." I did call hospice and they sent out a nurse. We've not even seen our 'real' nurse yet. She helped me change him and she doctored his (now) bleeding bed sores. She checked him over good. "I will get it started to get him some panic meds"... I figured it was panic too. If I was dying I would be freaking out terribly. They'd have to keep me sedated.

March 18, 2022 - My daughter and son in law came in last night to see their Dad. My daughter was afraid he might leave before she could see him and say goodbye. They stayed until 12:30 a.m. this morning. I gave him a pain pill at that time but he won't respond to me this morning to take another one. Once I post this I will call hospice to find out if it OK to do the morphine now if I can't get him to swallow a pill. Every once in a while his shoulder will flex and he grimaces, so I know he feels pain.

He saw his official case nurse yesterday. She said he was actively dying. (I think we are all actively dying since the day we were born.) Hospice sends you a 'comfort box' you keep in the fridge for the last part of your loved ones prep for universe launch and last night we also got four different pain meds and panic meds delivered from a pharmacy. My house looks like a hospital exploded.

March 19, 2022 - Starting yesterday morning I couldn't talk my husband into waking up enough to take in any pills (or he just couldn't understand) so I called hospice and the nurse came out. I believe they did not think this would progress as rapidly as it has. She ordered all liquid meds to be delivered. Until then I had to crush the meds into a fine powder and use a syringe to put them in his mouth. At this point it is just keeping him pain free of course.

The kids were all here yesterday all day and will return today. They have taken care of all my chores, brought me breakfast, entertained Norman, and have been a godsend to me. Friends have brought food and cards and comfort. My house looks like a hospital room exploded.

I got two - three hour sleep blocks last night. I needed it. They have him on pain meds and anti anxiety meds every hour, but I didn't wake up for that and he didn't seem to need them. He tried to cover his stoma to talk last night around 1:30 a.m. and couldn't get his hand up there, so I covered it and he said, "Are you ok?" and I told him I was just fine. I am not sure if was consciously 'there' or having a dream...

Every odd noise I hear I think it is him reacting or panicking or seizing. I hope this ends soon for his sake and mine. I won't sugar coat that part. He needs to be set free of his stupid failing body so he can head to the universe. We made plans earlier to meet up at Jupiter when it is my time. I am all confused on what day it is and all - I feel like I'm living in a bubble which I am sure is normal for this situation. I have trouble talking to humans at this point - so I stick with email and texts. Who would have ever thought I would have trouble talking? (Insert weak smile here...)

March 20, 2022 - The kids were over all day yesterday and we played my husband's favorite music for him. We told stories. I am sure if he was able he would have added some funny side notes to all of our talking. They will be back today to babysit me, then if my husband is still holding on they will most likely go back to work on Monday. They do need to earn a living after all, since I love them and all but I don't want to support them. Smile.

The hospice nurse that came yesterday told me it could be another three weeks?!! I told her to ask our primary nurse what she thought. (Our primary nurse who first saw my husband on Thursday was actually shocked at how fast he had gone down hill on Friday. I am sure it is due to the bile attacking his brain along with the cancer ravaging his body at the same time. When the nurse did get a blood pressure reading on him yesterday, it was way way low. I've not gotten a response from him in two days, although he did flinch when I gave him a dose of cold anxiety med from the fridge and he reacted very poorly when the nurse was checking his legs yesterday. I know they hurt badly. Hospice keeps ordering things he'll never use. I told them to cancel the commode. He will never ever get up again to use one. I will have to find a place to donate all this unused stuff to once this is over...

I keep his mouth moist with a sponge on a stick and moisturize his lips. Since he breathes through a stoma and not through his mouth/nose I've noticed that the stoma area is almost 'caving' in now on his neck/chest area. He is so so so so yellow. Almost glows at this point. His own body is attacking him and I will forever find this unfair. Now he's in his brain alone, trapped, while his body does what a body does - try to 'save' itself in various ways by shutting down things to protect the key organs. The body design is awesome - I don't doubt God's grand design - but the dying process of life just sucks.

I just re-read all I've written in since this all started. Wow. Now it seems like all of that didn't even happen! This has been a fast track ride for the poor boy. He stated back after his first stent surgery that it was unfair to work all your life to retire and then "this Sh%T" happens. I totally agree.

March 21, 2022 - My daughter and my son in law came over yesterday to help me. I wanted a shower. I took a shower. When I got out of the shower they said Norman had gone over to Dad's chair and took up a spot there beside him - like a Anubis guard dog - and Dad's breathing was changing. I sat down next to him and I rubbed his arm and I gave his body a good lecture. "Let my husband go - the pain you've caused him is too much - set him free!!" It was then, really, that he just stopped breathing. It was peaceful. Quiet. It was over...

My son in law called hospice for me. (They have to have a nurse come pronounce him deceased, then the hospice nurse also calls and arranges for the body to be taken by the funeral home of your choice.) When she got here I made her hug me. She did so freely. She checked for a heart beat for a long time, and 'called' the death. It was 1:20 something by her notes but he left us as 12:23 p.m. on Sunday March 20th.

I texted his sisters and brother and my closest friends an our dear neighbors. We all went outside after that, waiting for the funeral home to come pick up Dad. I did NOT want to be in the house when the moved him. I just couldn't. The kids agreed they didn't want to see him moved. It wouldn't be very dignified to move that poor boy and none of us wanted any part of it. Once the funeral home guys came, just two of them - an older tall man and a young, small dude. I didn't think they would be able to move my husband - just the two of the alone - but they managed. They were very kind to all of us. They came out in the dog pen afterwards and asked if we wanted to say one last goodbye now that he was in the van. We declined. We had all been saying goodbyes for a few days. We didn't want to remember him on a gurney in a van...

I felt very dizzy and odd after that. I drank several beers fast and furious like. I felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders but that left my body hurting and sore. I needed to sleep a while. The kids watched Norman and I went to sleep in my own bed for a few hours. It felt good.

Honestly, he picked a wonderful sunny spring day to soar. There are buds on all the trees and the sky was pure blue. I am so happy that awful pain isn't torturing him anymore. My poor kids are all dealing with this in their own way but they are also communicating with each other, and this is good because at times like this you need your siblings. I have awesome kids.

And to my husband - remember - we have a deal - when I go we meet up at Jupiter before we send our energy out to the universe. (We really never took a real vacation our whole married life, so shooting around the universe will be nice.)

March 22, 2022 - I was on hold for a total of 1.5 hours today with Social Security. I had called once and was on hold for 45 minutes before someone picked up and hung up. I called back and waited another 45 minutes for a human. You have to report the death of a spouse, so that is what I did. I am angry that a government agency like social security is probably managed by one human for the million Americans here while the government throws money away on stupid fricken stuff. To get an appointment to get my measly 250 dollar funeral cost I have to wait until mid May. Really - we've done something horribly wrong with our government agencies. It is a pure joke. Nothing should be that convoluted and complex to just speak to a human on a phone.

Now, the bank and the funeral home, on the other hand, have been nothing but marvelous and kind. I appreciate the heck out of them.

March 23, 2022 - It is pouring rain out but I always found the sound of rain to be very peaceful. We may get thunder boomers later today, too. I know how to turn on the generator and get stuff going in the event we lost power. I am ready for that.

For three nights I've slept in my own bed and I have gotten good sleep. My bladder and Norman's bladder are good for one 'wake up to pee' during the night, though. This morning I did not want to wake up. I could have been cuddled in bed all day.

I left the house last night after putting Norman in his kennel crate. I needed milk and some other things so off I went. I've not been in a car in like two weeks. I felt dizzy at first, driving. Tonight I get my hair cut and a quick color. I've had to cancel three different appointments over the last three months due to my husband's situation. I am one shaggy beast.

My ankle feels a tad better and I am forcing myself to use it. I walked the recycling container out to the road last night and got mail. Today I will take out garbage herby curby to the road. I went on a short 'I HATE THIS' spree in the house Monday, so I filled up the garbage pretty fast. I hated various medical supplies I needed to take care of Homer and forcefully threw them away. I hated various medicines - and threw them away. I hated a particular blanket, and threw it away. It was therapeutic for me.

I cannot thank my friends and family enough for all the support. I am surrounded by real life angels. It is actually quite overwhelming. How can I express my gratitude to so many people? Been so blessed...

I swear when my sister left us, she gave me two distinct signs that she was saying goodbye. I do not expect a sign from my husband. My husband wasn't one to go above and beyond to do something really 'special' for any event, so I am pretty sure that would include dying. Maybe, when I least expect, he may surprise me. Once you are pure energy - who knows what one can do?

March 28, 2022 - People have been so kind, so generous, and so supportive. I can't even begin to imagine how I can properly thank all the people who have supported my family. For lack of a better term, it blows my mind - the kindness. I will take all of that love and pay it forward to others. I will keep this love moving...

The memorial service on Saturday went well. There were so many that came. People turned out that I've not seen in years. My kids - their friend came. It was awesome. I hope my husband was somewhere seeing all of this support and love. He would have been totally amazed. When I got home Saturday night and after the kids left, I just went to bed. It was the end of a very long 1.5 months. I was the ultimate in tired. Plop.

I also believe we got our 'sign' from him - the band we loved to take the whole herd to announced they would be back in town after several years of being away, the day after he passed. Coincidence, yes - no doubt - but I'm taking it as a sign.

I will make a doctor's appointment this week for me as I've had some issues I now have time to address. I will make a therapy appointment, also, for my brain. I will call a local service that trains dogs at your home and get Norman into 'school' so I can take him for walks without him breaking my hip and dragging me at a high rate of speed. I will establish to the best of my abilities a new sense of 'normal' if that is actually possible. Things weren't normal before, why start now, right? One must never give up hope, though...

March 29, 2022 - I had a good scare today. I take Metformin to help me control my high sugar. (I wouldn't even need that if I didn't stress eat like a pig in heat...) However, I've NOT been stress eating lately plus I forgot to eat lunch today. Around 3:45 my eyes went all wonky. I changed glasses. I cleaned my glasses. "Um, it's not my glasses..." I figured out. I panicked a little. Why it dawned on me to test my sugar I don't know, but it was at 72. I was having a low blood sugar event. I drank a glass of orange juice and made myself calm down. My niece was coming over to bring her doggie for a play date, and all I could think of was that she'd find me dead in the house and Norman chewing on my corpse. Ugh.

I felt much better after the orange juice and I also ate a cracker with peanut butter. Duh on my part. I put a reminder on my calendar for every day to EAT LUNCH YOU IDIOT. About lunch time I remember the funeral home called to tell me the death certificates were ready, and I told them I wanted to wait to pick up my husband at the same time. They will call tomorrow to arrange a time for that - but I think that threw me off as far as lunch goes. Really, a girl as big as I am FORGET LUNCH?

I felt funny today anyway - weird - out of place and time. That is normal I will assume after losing a spouse. I imagine I will feel weird for a long time. I got an invite to a 'windows' night out but I am not ready for that yet. I do feel better about the fact I can have people over to get slobbered on personally by Norman and myself now that my husband has passed. He was not a social man and didn't like visits by people. Not sure why - he was always like that. Now I don't have to worry about that. That makes me kind happy. My niece came over with her one dog and that was nice. I needed that. I went in to work for half a day on Monday. I will do that again tomorrow. It was nice to be at my desk. You can work all you want from home, but spreading out proper like at your own desk at work has its advantages.

April 1, 2022 - April showers bring May flowers, right? So April snow brings what? Let me know. I'm sure it's something interesting.

I took today off from work. So far no one has called. I fed Norman, got him out to pooh, and put him in his crate. Then I went to my chiropractor appointment (much needed) and then I stopped at our favorite diner and had breakfast. That place is like being with family. I also walked through the grocery store but nothing looked or sounded good. This whole 'eating for one' thing is going to be a problem, I can see that now. Sigh.

I have so much vacation time to use before my roll over on May 11th, but there is no way I'm going to be able to use that up. l took every Friday off in April. That put a 40 hour dent in those hours. I may take off the first week of May as I always have done and do fairy gardens. If I do that, I won't lose too many when I hit my anniversary date. This anniversary date at work will be my official 40th, although I've worked there since 1979 - left for three months of college, worked there again, had my first kid, worked there again - finally got full time in 1982. Sigh. I am if nothing else, a dedicated idiot to all of my causes. Anyway - what I'm trying to say is, I WANT CAKE and a 40th anniversary better warrants a big ass cake. (Yellow with chocolate butter cream frosting, if anyone cares...)

I pick up my husband's ashes tomorrow and the death certificates. I am seriously thinking of using the Parting Stones, Inc. site and have him turned into stones. This thought pleases me. The kids all agreed it would be neat. Not everyone likes the idea, but it is mine to decide. Anyone who knows me knows I love rocks... it just seems right. My husband would get a good chuckle out of becoming rocks.

I am still feeling weird at night and I know that is to be expected. I am not worried about being alone, mind you. I have a 130 pound dog that would kill anyone that tried to hurt me, so it's not the being 'alone' or scared at night that bothers me, its the 'being alone' with no other human to talk to, I think. That will work itself out with time. I try to keep busy so my mind doesn't over think things. I have found, though, that doing housework has lost its thrill. I don't want to vacuum and I don't want to dust and I don't want to do dishes. I do eventually do them, mind you, but I sure don't want to!! That one cell in my brain says, "Why bother, it's just you and the slobber monster so it doesn't matter..." but you still have to carry on, no matter what random cells in your brain tell you.

April 7, 2022 - Last Saturday I got my husband's ashes. The box weighs 10 pounds. He is in my closet for now. I have ordered the kit to send him to Parting Stones to make rocks out of him. The kids were excited about being able to have some of their Dad. We will split the stones when they come back. It will take about two months.

My washing machine died the other day. It sounded so terrible and was not agitating. I have no clue when we got that washer, so I just decided to buy a new one. It will be here next week. Until then, I will hand wash what I need. I don't have many clothes - but tomorrow I will be getting myself more pants and a bra. (My current bra is so old it doesn't hold anything up.) That way I can make it until the new washer is installed. Since I tend to sneeze and pee, walk and pee, wake up and pee... you get the idea - pants are critical. Smile. If my husband was alive he'd have torn it apart and fixed whatever is broken - but - I am not gifted that way. Today when I got home from work, I thought, "It's so cold in here!" I went and checked the thermostat. It was 55! I took the cover off the thermostat and blew it out and put it back together and tried moving the temp up and down - but the furnace didn't ignite. Sigh. I figured I was just going to be cursed with everything falling apart at once, so I called a local furnace place and requested a service call. Then the IT person in me kicked in and I checked whether the furnace was plugged in or not - and it WASN'T! Hahahahaha. The plug is near Norman's crate, so I am thinking he might have unplugged it when was in the crate. I called the furnace place and cancelled the service appointment. Duh. I should have checked the plug first off instead of assuming that everything in the house was going to explode or die or quit. I believe this highlights a deep fear I obviously have...

I have tomorrow off and will go get clothes, and then I have an appointment at the Secretary of State office to transfer the titles to the cars to my name so I can sell them. I have a friend who will help me sell the motorcycle. (He restores old motorcycles so he's all versed in that sort of thing.) The old truck is good for junk metal and the Camero in the tent shed is ancient and sunk in to the ground. My husband gave that to his brother before he passed. I think I'll also stop and look for some good rakes since my youngest son and his best friend are coming on Saturday to clean up my yard. I think my daughter may come home too, so that will be a nice day.

April 14, 2022 - Norman has been ever so helpful lately, waking me up every morning by 4:45. Ugh. It's so close to 'alarm time' that I just stay up, but really - sleeping in would seem like a luxury at this point. I made the mistake of taking down my husband's coats from the coat rack by the front door and putting them on the couch yesterday (so the front door would open wide for the new washer) and Norman laid on those coats and sniffed those coats and cried. Ugh. Dogs remember. He's acted restless ever since. Last night he slept on the couch for half the night. Not in character for Norman.

I have a new washer. It showed up Tuesday night at 7:30 p.m. They gave me a window of 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Way to narrow it down. I worked from home in case on Tuesday but I didn't have to since they didn't show up until late. My youngest son came over to babysit me while we waited. He brought me a sub sandwich and we had supper together. He had come over on Sunday or Monday (I forget which day) and we got the old washer ready for departure. He had to take down the shelf out in the laundry room to make room for the move and haul all the crap out of there. Tuesday night, he bought a new piece of wood for a new shelf and sawed that down to the proper size and he put the shelf back up and leveled it and I got all the stuff moved back into the laundry room. Rocko the cat was thrilled. He did not like the fact that the laundry room was out of sorts. I caught him rebelling by attempting to piss on my bathroom wall! Someone got a swat on the backside, boy howdy. By 11 p.m. Tuesday night I had my underwear and towels and clothes washed. I felt a (laundry) load was lifted from my shoulders.

Here I am whining about being without a washer when the world is falling apart. Pretty selfish of me... I chanced catching up with the news on Sunday and I was none too happy. Ugh. I saw that the Barenaked Ladies, Toad and the Wet Sprocket, and Gin Blossoms were on tour this summer and the name of the tour is "Last Summer on Earth." I sadly thought that it was too well named. Maybe this is our last summer on Earth with all the conflict in the Ukraine and Russia and internally in each country. We don't need an asteroid to hit the earth and kill us all - we're doing that all on our own as a species - I fear we're self destructing, yet in the mean time you still have to carry on and live. It's quite depressing, really - when you ponder it too long. We just got done being confused and depressed over Covid and all (which is still a real thing) and then all this on top of it with humans acting like rabid apes on acid. Our wee human brains were just not built to comprehend nor process all this chaos, I believe. Big Sigh.

That being said (above) - People have been so overwhelming kind to me. I am constantly feeling the love. It is amazing. I will never be able to thank everyone properly for the show of support I've experienced. Wow - just WOW. I am loved. Maybe this is our last summer on earth, but my life has been a grand life - and I'm so honored to have so many awesome people who love me.

April 16, 2022 - Yesterday was another day off. I did all the things on my 'to do' list. (The 'to do' list was in my head and totally negotiable, but a list nonetheless.) I went first thing in the morning for a blood draw and a pee drop at the local lab. I have my 4 month 'controlling my damned sugar' appointment next week. After I got the blood draw and since it was above freezing, I drove up to the nearest touchless car wash and washed my car. (You can't tell today since it is now covered with mud blotches and debris from the storm we had later in the day.) I headed home, fed Norman, then dorked around Facebook for about an hour. (That was NOT on my list - that was more of a distraction for me so I didn't have to do anything.) The post office dropped off the collection box from Parting Stones (the place I am sending my husband ashes to make rocks out of them.) That made everything seem so - so final.

Finally I got off my lazy buttocks and went in and hung new curtains in the bedroom. My BFF suggested getting new curtains. This was something for 'me' as I've been, well, down lately. My builder son would have laughed himself to death seeing me trying to figure out the power drill and trying to find a piece of wood stable enough to take a screw around those windows. Ugh. I did manage, however. Eventually. (There was swearing involved.) I got 'black out' curtains since I tend to go to bed before the sun sets in the summer. They are royal purple. I love the color purple. I got curtain rods that look like fairy wants with a big purple balls on the ends with sparkles in them. Norman was such a big help at first that I finally blocked him out of the bedroom after he twice flew on to the bed and knocked all the drill pits out of the fancy drill bit box.

When I moved stuff out of the corner to put up the one curtain - GAG - what a mess. I had to sweep all that debris up. I am such a lousy housekeeper and I should probably be arrested by the Susie Homemaker Police. When I was doing all that, the phone rang. It was the lab and they said, "Your blood test tubes were put in the freezer by mistake so we need another draw..." Ugh. That was the main thing I wanted to get done yesterday! I thought I had to fast again and told them I would do it early next week. Another nice man called from the lab and said, "The tube that got frozen and ruined and that we need again doesn't have to be a fasting test." I told him I'd be there in 10 minutes. By four p.m. my results were already posted on line. That made me happy that it was done. I had an agenda, you know...

After the curtains and the blood test, my friend Jim showed up to haul away my husband's motorcycle to help me sell it. This is beyond kind of him. He restores vintage motorcycles and sells them, so he knows how to do that well. He was able to start it to help move it (it is a heavy, huge bike) and when it started - BAM - I started crying. I did not see that coming.

We had trouble getting it up and over the bump of the trailer grate. Like I said - it has to weigh close to 800 pounds or so I swear. He tried and tried. I told him, "I will go call my neighbor Ron to help us" and when I turned around, THERE WAS RON. Like he KNEW I needed him! How cool. Between the boys lifting and pushing it from the front and me pushing from the back, the bike was settled in to the trailer. Jim tied it down securely. He is an angel for selling it for me. He said he wouldn't take money. I will have to talk to his wife about that - because he DESERVES a seller's fee. I cried when he was ready to go and he hugged me tight. I cried like a baby in the house as I saw that motorcycle ride away on the back of his car. UGH. Norman was upset that I was upset and he started bouncing around the house like a rabbit and ended up getting tangled in the string to the front window blinds and pulling them down! BASH! This made me laugh a little at first and then I scolded him but it drew me out of the crying bout I was having. It was possibly worth the loss of the blinds to slap me across the face to get it together.

Then out of the blue this storm blew up - driving rain/snow pellets and high winds. I was pretty sure it was my husband reacting to the fact I was selling his bike. That weather hammered the house for about a half an hour. Jim got the bike to his house just fine and dandy. He sent a picture of it. I didn't see rain/snow on his driveway. Like I said, pretty sure my husband was have a tizzy fit in the general area of my house. I don't blame him. He loved that bike.

My neighbor Sue got me the coolest yard ornament of a motorcycle (the wheels spin in the wind) and there is a solar light for the head light, which works well since it startled me when I saw it out the front window in the dark last night BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WINDOW BLINDS TO SHUT ANYMORE.

Today I've sorted out some things and took them out to burn. I took Norman in to get his nails trimmed. I cleaned the dishwasher. I have a load of wash going in the washer and I have a load to fold. I will meet my boys for lunch at two today. When I was putting up the curtains in the bedroom, I saw there are tons of books in my book shelf that I've not read (the ones remaining that Norman didn't eat as a puppy). Maybe I will pull one out and commence to reading.

April 19, 2022 - Today I took my husband to the post office to send his cremains to New Mexico. (My husband did not like traveling. He was not one to go anywhere. In death, he will travel more than he ever thought he would in life.) He is off to Parting Stones, the place that will turn his ashes into rocks. I love rocks. My kids are excited about this as well. I did OK until it was time to leave the post office (and the US Post Office is the only legal way of sending cremains any where by the way...and you have to have huge stickers all over the box that say 'CREMATED REMAINS'...) I patted the box and told him to have a good trip and I started crying. I felt bad for the nice post office lady. "I'm so sorry..." she said. I went directly to work and cried all over my coworkers. Sigh. I wonder when this will stop happening - these random burst of tears? I imagine they won't stop for a while...

It has snowed and been cold and I am not the mood for this! I want to be warmer. I don't want these winds. I demand Michigan get its head out of its weather rear end and behave!! I want to be outside and complain about how hot it is as I sweat to death!

April 25, 2022 - The weather this weekend was divine to a point. I had the window opens both Saturday and Sunday. It did end up raining and storming yesterday afternoon a bit - but nothing horrid. (Not horrid where I live - I am sure the storms tore through other towns near us.) My kids came to town and it was a fun weekend for me. My son in law made us all tacos Saturday night and my daughter fixed us spinach. (Three out of five of us love spinach.) They played with Norman until he was exhausted and he did not wake up once Saturday night. We met again for breakfast on Sunday. My daughter came home with me to soak in a hot bath. As I said - it was nice to have people around. Sunday night felt lonely, however, but I decided to start reading a book. I was just fine after that...

I had my second covid booster Saturday morning. I had been getting Moderna shots but they said it works better if you 'mix them up' (and it was my hospital's shot clinic, so I believed them) and got a Pfizer shot. So far so good as far as reacting to it, although I feel kind of achy tonight. Maybe it is because I want to feel achy. Maybe I am just fine.

I went to my family doctor on Friday. I gave him a list of things to go over and it was titled "Sandy is falling apart, apparently..." He reviewed each line with me. Plantar fasciitis is the issue with my right foot. I will continue to do exercises for it and I've gotten myself some special shoes. (It doesn't hurt as bad as it did in February when I was walking all over University of Michigan at least. That was just terrible.) My eyes are leaking and sore because of allergies most likely, and he prescribed an allergy eye drop for me. (Actually, that has made a world of difference.) I need to use Flonase, too, for my post nasal drip. He put me back on antidepressants again - at my request. I reminded him that he wanted me off of my Celexa when I saw him last time in December, so I weened myself off of them. He asked if I had any trouble with Celexa and I said, "No! I thought you wanted me off of it because it was hard on my kidneys or something!" and he said that Celexa wouldn't hurt my vital organs and he put me back on the lowest dose. Ugh. Why in the hell did he want to ween me off of it in the first place?!!? I kind of yelled at him. Anyway - I'm back on an antidepressant. I have known all my life I need help with serotonin and brain chemicals. Honestly, I think all humans need help with that...

I start back to therapy this Friday. It will be for the best. I am confused as to how I should be feeling now, after the passing of my husband in March and my sister back in October. I need to talk it out. I burst out in tears over the oddest stuff and I'm not even sure what triggers it. Mental Health is an important thing to stay on top of, I feel. I don't need to have any breakdowns in my life any time soon. (Although it happens and would be totally acceptable in my case.) Maybe I'm fine and I am worried over nothing.

My husband made it to his destination in New Mexico, arriving at Parting Stones. Now I wait. It will take 'til the end of June until he is done being turned into rocks. The majority of people said this would be a good thing. I think it is. He knew how much I love rocks and I am sure he would considers it an honor. Smile. I can't wait to skip a rock of him on Lake Michigan.

My neighbor Ron took my John Deere mower and did the yearly maintenance on it - changing the oil, the filters, etc. He cleaned it up nice, too. He even put the deck on! What an angel. I decided on Saturday before the kids go here that I was going to weed whack. I bought myself a light, battery powered Stihl weed whacker last year and charged up the battery and commenced to hacking up weeds. I had purchased some pretty solar lights that were daisy chained together with wire and they were out front. I knew the minute I made the decision to week whack around them that I had made a bad decision. The corn on on got wrapped around the head of the week whacker. I couldn't get it out. I showed Ron what I had done, and the look on his face was priceless. (True 'husband like' disgust at my disaster. Smile.) He said he would have to take it apart to fix it, but he forgot about it, which was fine. I'd rather buy a new one than make the poor man fix my mistake!! However, on Sunday, I showed it to my neighbor Justin, and he had that cord out in no time!! A whacker miracle!! I can never pay back my neighbors for their help and support. My daughter gave me a firm lecture on 'thinking before I whack next time' and I promised her I would....until I throw caution to the wind and do it again...

May 1, 2022 - Today is Sunday. I know this because I looked at the calendar. My daughter made me this kick butt homemade calendar, too - and I mark each day off with a puffy sticker. Cool calendars need cool puffy stickers.

My doctor's appointment on April 22nd went well. I am actually fine. We went through the whole list and all things can be dealt with. This made me happy. My ankle issue is plantar fasciitis, which I kind of suspected. It is getting much better now. I do my exercises and I got myself special shoes just for that issue. The only time it bothers me is when I stand for any length of time. I think I was worrying so much over my foot that I made my foot worse!! Brains and the body sometimes get their signals mixed up.

I mowed the front yard yesterday and I did not have any issues doing that on the riding lawn mower nor did any of my body parts fall off or hurt afterwards. I had to mow as my neighbor Ron mowed, then my neighbor Justin mowed, then my neighbor Shannon had someone mow her lawn all on Friday. I was a day behind everyone. My youngest son came over to help me by loading and unloading potting soil for me and to watch Norman while I mowed plus he also cut down some decorative grass from last year that I never took care of at the time. We went to breakfast, too. It was fun. I am off next week and want to do my fairy gardens although it's not going to be summer warm, just spring warm. I am sure they will survive if I do plant them, though. Tomorrow I will meander up to my favorite flower store to see if they have fairy garden plants. Most places don't carry them anymore because it seems to be a past 'fad' but I'm not done enjoying fairy gardens yet! If I want to play with little figures and dig in the dirt, by God, I'm gonna!! I barely got done mowing the front when it started raining. Norman thinks all rain means thunder, and he HATES thunder, so he was my shadow all of Saturday afternoon and evening. I am glad we went to bed and got to sleep for the real thunder storm came through. Neither of us heard it. This may be a piece of crap house, but cinder block houses keep out sounds, wind, and I am going to assume evil spirits and pixies who steal catalytic converters off of very tiny cars...

Today my niece and her daughter came down and we went to the local Rock and Gem show. SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK AT!! I could have bought the whole place. Contented sigh. I did get myself a wire tree with shiny things on the branches based on a piece of quartz. It just glitters. I love it. I always get myself trees like that at the rock show but I end up giving them away to people I love. I will keep this tree, though. It was fun hanging with my niece and her kiddo - I took them to lunch although we all had breakfast. Smile. Norman slobbered them several times. They took it like pros, but you could see on their faces it was 'gross' but kudos to them for taking it so well. Norman loved them.

This is the weekend that happens every year at some point and it fascinates me - BOOM - stuff is green. Trees shoot out wee little leaves and it just seems to explode GREEN. (Except for the walnut trees - they don't kick in 'til way later, the nut dropping bastards.)

Oh, my therapy appointment - almost forgot about that! It went OK. I am apparently doing OK mentally. I am grieving in my own way and it is OK that I'm almost relieved that it is 'over' as far as the bad parts. She said I was handling life pretty well, considering. She said I really don't need to come back unless I need to come back, and she said I always know when to come back when I need it. (She likes me so I know she wasn't saying that to get rid of me - hahaha.)

I bought myself the "Little House in the Big Woods" series by Laura Ingalls Wilder and am re-reading them. I felt compelled to do so, so I am. I remember DECADES ago when I would re-read them I would always remind myself I had it much better off that the pioneering people did so 'quit whining about your life' sort of thing. Those books remind me to be humble.

May 2, 2022 - I just got done reading the "Hard Winter" from the Little House series. That was always the hardest for me to read. They went through sheer hell, almost starving to death. Laura sugar coated it in the books, I'm sure, but still - you know they suffered - but as always, after reading these books, I constantly remind myself how fortunate I AM HERE AND NOW.

I paid off all of my husband's remaining medical expenses (that I know about) with the generous donations from everyone. The lawyer said I didn't have to pay those since we didn't have an estate, but it gnawed at me and I had to so I could sleep at night.

Norman, for the past two days, has started NOT eating his breakfast when he should. He's either figured out that I don't seem to leave the house until he does eat so he can rest in his crate - or he's being a moody baby boy. He is spoiled. I've taken spoiled to a whole new level with Norman. This won't do at all next week when I have to leave for work in the morning - he'd better snap out of it. I have tried reasoning with him but all I get I get in return is his big droopy eye look and a big sigh.

May 3, 2022 - Last night as I was trying to go to sleep, and during my prayers, I randomly remembered that little ditty "here I sit all broken hearted - paid to poop and only farted..." Where did that come from!! Of course, this lead me to thinking about the time there were pay toilets. How cruel was that!? If I had to fish around for money to get into a bathroom now I might as well just pee myself. Finally I got back to praying and asking the powers that be to forgive my wandering brain. (But really, who would torture you to pay money to potty?) I think they outlawed them in the US, if I remember correctly....Amen. My BFF and I were discussing how we tend to wander off in our head when we are praying before bed. We always come back to praying, but not before we think about pay toilets and what-are-we-going-to-fix-for-supper first...

Yesterday I went to my favorite green house to get my fairy garden plants. I spent an hour in that place, wandering around in a happy daze. They have SO MUCH STUFF. They play relaxing music. It is very therapeutic in the place. Of course today it is supposed to rain all day, so I won't be planting my fairy gardens yet. I will concentrate on washing bedding and de-Normanizing all of it.

I also stopped at Meijer to get some needed items. I saw the refrigerated dog food section and looked at what there was to offer. I ended up getting two three pound rolls of food for Norman. I tried it on him at lunch time. His reaction to it was the same as my reaction to cake with lots of frosting. He begged for more. "What have I done..." I pondered. Normally I buy two packs of chicken breasts and bake it and use that for several days along with a cup of dry food and a can of wet (three times a day) for the boy. I still got the chicken there since it was cheaper and I baked it, but I substituted the new stuff for the wet food. It was quite the hit. Hopefully this works next week when I go back to work and he will eat early so he can spend the morning sleeping in his crate.

I think today I will go to the local green house and get my pansies. I always plant pansies in honor of my Mom who adored them. They won't mind sitting out in the rain until I can plant them. I should have waited to take my vacation NEXT WEEK when the weather looks quite warm and less rainy. Oh well. Raindrops don't worry me, as I believe BJ Thomas once sang...

Next week is my 40th anniversary at my place of work (really 42 but I wasn't full time til 1982). It amazes me. I am either a loyal person or an idiot. Not sure which. I love what I do and I've loved what I did for all those years. At first it was a way to pay bills but I eventually loved what I was doing. I honestly don't know what I would do if I wasn't doing what I do now. I think maybe I'd work in a greenhouse in season... maybe when I retire. (Although I am sure I'll die before I ever retire.)

I also stopped at another nursery and got some sun catcher things for my windows. I put two up in the kitchen and Norman spent 15 minutes barking at them. He is on top of it, boy howdy. I am safe from shiny sun catchers!

One of my daughter's friends from High School stopped by yesterday evening with her Mom, her husband, and her Burmese Mountain Doggie, Scarlett. Norman loved her. He tried very hard to get her to play but she is a fluffy big girl and didn't want to run much but she did chase and nip at him a couple of times which made Norman thrilled and hyper. Norman did his spaz run and finally they rested on the ground holding paws. It was adorable. Yes, there was a lot of slobber from Norman...I brought out a lot of towels. Scarlett was just covered in dirt from being on the ground but she didn't seem to mind too much. It was a lovely pick me up to see them all again.

Norman got me up this morning at 5:30, and I thought I would stay up then I decided I WAS ON VACATION and we went back to bed. I slept until 7:45 a.m. when Norman demanded to be fed. It felt kind of good...

May 4, 2022 - For someone with nothing to say, I've been saying a lot of it. It has been a raining crappy week to take off of work. I have my pansies now and I have my fairy garden plants - maybe today I will plant some since the weather said today would be the least crappy day out of the rest of the crappy week.

Norman was so frustrated about the full day of rain yesterday that he grabbed the box of Kleenex without me seeing it and ate it. The carpet looked like a cotton field.

May 8, 2022 - All in all it has been a relaxing vacation. I got my fairy gardens planted and some flowers planted (even though it rained most of the week). I read a whole set of books. I had my hair played with and took myself to breakfast. The boys took me to breakfast this morning for Mother's Day and then came over and hung around for a few hours. I mowed the whole yard yesterday and did the weed whacking. I feel like it was a productive week in a laid back kind of way. I soaked in a hot tub twice.

This week I get cake for my anniversary at work. You know you are a cheap date when you look forward so to CAKE with your name on it... Smile.

May 10, 2022 - On the way to work this morning there was construction going on and they had a sign showing that the shoulder was closed. The sign manufacturer was called Wanco - no doubt pronounced wan(short a) coe but I've been singing in my head Wank (long a) O all day. It's all in how you use your vowels, I suppose, but the WANK-O pleased me to no end. It's the little things.

I had a call with Social Security today to claim my 'lump sum death payment' for my husband's demise. Seems not to be worth it since I will only receive 250 dollars. You have to prove to them that YOU are YOU and the dead person is DEAD and that you were indeed married to said dead person. Sigh. My birth certificate looks like it could dissolve if I sneezed just right and my marriage license is as bad (after all, it is 42 years old). I find the red tape to be comical. It took me an hour and half to report the poor guy as dead in the first place. Relying on the Government is chancy at best. They will probably end up taking money out of my account instead of putting money in...

May 13, 2022 - I would like to state for the records that just because there is a huge amount of cake just for you doesn't mean you have to eat a huge amount of cake. However, I did. Yesterday I had a cake hangover. Wednesday was quite emotional for me. Where I work has been a part of me since I graduated high school in 1979, after all. I met my husband there. I carried all my babies there. They gave me a wonderful party with CAKE (but really, don't try to eat as much as I did) and balloons and people came and my first boss ever even came and my dear friend Linda. People said such nice things about me. It was awesome. Tears were kept to a minimum (on my part) but boy, howdy - did the emotions come out Wednesday night at home!!

I had meandered over and stole beer from my neighbor Ron, and sat and talked with him a while, then took a can of beer to 'go' and came home and called my youngest son and tried to call my daughter. I think I was trying to avoid the loneliness in the house after such an exciting day. I started to listen to music (mistake!) and found my husband's Cabo Wabo vodka and mixed a shot with Pepsi. I listened to more music. I cried. I cried hard. My sister in law called and I hit her full bore with "HOW DID YOU KNOW I NEEDED YOU!!" and just sobbed all over her. Poor Carol!! It was good, though, to talk to another human who knew me. Carol deserves an award. After talking to her, I just called it a day and went to bed. Norman was happy I wasn't making those sobbing noises anymore.

The heat has been horrid this week, but it is only horrid because normally in May you don't have heat like this - so it makes it worse. If this was August, you'd be saying, "Normal weather for August." (This is the week I should have taken off for vacation, though, weather wise, but oh well. No regrets.) Tomorrow my youngest is coming over to do the mowing for me and that will make me happy because, let's face it, I am lazy by nature. I will do the weed whacking though. I've let the house go all week as far as de-Normanizing it - so I will no doubt be cleaning when my son is mowing. I have an old high school friend stopping by on Saturday night to drink a beer and say Hi. That will be nice. He has the nicest wife and they are always so busy with her restaurants that having a hour or so to hang out will be fun.

But please - no more cake...

May 15, 2022 - It is Sunday night and Norman is passed out on the floor, leaving a patch of drool on the carpet. He has a short play time with the neighbor doggies. It wore him out. I went to the grocery store today and stopped at the hardware store to get more weed whacking string, then went to get the car washed. I swept the floors and dusted since I didn't do it yesterday. It was a mildly productive day.

Dinner with my friend was nice. I suggested we meet at a restaurant since I was hungry. We talked and it was nice to get out of the house with another human. Friday night I went to my neighbor's house for a 'sit and sip' and hang out. That was a hoot. Saturday the boys were here and after we went to breakfast my youngest mowed. I have been a social butterfly.

Tonight is the total lunar eclipse and of course it is cloudy. It has been cloudy for most of the sky events so far this year. Oh well. I would be sleeping anyway.

I had three male orioles get into a fight under the grape jelly feeder. They were in a ball being all man like rolling around. I ran out to bust up the fight. Geez. There is enough grape jelly for all of them, but NO. I've never seen that before in orioles. I have also had cat birds at the jelly feeder as well. They have such a pretty song when they are not sounding like cats getting run over by a utility van.

May 16, 2022 - Today is/was so beautiful. A bit overly windy - but just stunning other than that. It is almost like we are next to an ocean without the sea smell...

I have had a lot of hummingbird traffic which pleases me. I love my birds. Yes, I am aware there is the avian flu and by feeding birds I could be messing with fire (or in this case, bird flu) but at this point I don't care. Birds bring me joy. Man, a lot of birds are digging the grape jelly feeders this year. Catbirds, sparrows, orioles, and I swear I saw a finch eating from it. I have gone through two huge jars of grape jelly so far this season. I possibly have diabetic birds...

Well, I found out my toxic gas alarm works! I was outside measuring the two windows I have to replace the screens on that Norman has broken and that alarm went off AND IT WAS LOUD AND I PEED MYSELF AND DID I MENTION IT WAS SO LOUD!!! Ugh. Norman had pulled the fly swatter off the stove where I had it and it slightly moved a burner knob to let just a wee bit of gas out - but enough to eventually set that alarm off. I have no fear that it would wake me up from a dead sleep, cause me to pee myself again, and get me out of the house in the middle of the night in the event there was a natural gas leak or carbon monoxide issue. Cripes. IT WAS SO DAMNED LOUD. Scared the bejeebers out of me.

May 18, 2022 - It has been raining all day and Norman has been such a big help while I work. He slobbers on my keyboard and brings me EVERY DAMNED TOY IN THE TOY BOX. I feel his pain, but COME ON. Ugh. He is upset he can't go play with the neighbor dogs or run or be outside to smell things. Well, HE COULD if he wasn't such a rain wimp. He did go out with me when I hauled the garbage to the curb, but he wanted right back in. I didn't melt, nor did he - but he isn't a fan of rain. I think he thinks all rain comes with thunder and he HATES thunder.

Tonight is dinner with my high school girl friends. We try to gather ever other month or so. As we get older, we appreciate the friendship we have with each other. I hope we all end up in the same nursing home. Oh my, I will pity the staff...

May 22, 2022 - I believe I have said more than once in the last 61 years of life that I would NEVER have a Great Dane due to their size and slobbering issues. I may have even sworn on a Bible at one point that I would never possess such a creature. Moral of the story - Never say Never. I adore my Gnorman, even when he is so distracted by a squirrel that he runs through several neighbors yards to 'tree' said squirrel (when in fact the squirrel has used the tops of the trees to escape and go home and have a nice cup of tea while Norman is still staring up into the tree he thinks the squirrel is in...)

Yesterday on Facebook I posted the following:

"I got to sleep in ‘til 7:35 a.m. which is rare with old hair trigger bladder Norman (but it was thundering and he hates boom booms so he was safely hidden under his blanket on my bed). I got up and started stretching and I thought how wonderful stretching feels (I mean, I don’t go all Nadia Comăneci since I didn’t want to call 911 after being frozen in an odd position that no EMS worker needs to see) but I enjoyed the stretching thoroughly as things cracked and popped back into place.

I finished my long stretch out in the kitchen, looking out the window. I noticed a turkey under my bird feeder cleaning up seed debris. I’ve never seen one so close to the house. There was also woodpecker trying to drink from the hummingbird feeder and there were finches all over the grape jelly feeder. This all made me laugh.

It was a good way to start my Saturday. Go forth people – seize the day and appreciate birds that act all weird when they think no one is watching (and remember to stretch)…"

I thought I was being quite funny in the post but realized half the people wouldn't know who Nadia Comăneci was but I was pleased with myself none the less. All the comments were about me being positive and inspirational. I was really trying to go for a laugh, though. If I ever inspire people, however, I will take that as a good thing - like a bonus points.

I made salsa and potato salad Friday night because I had a powerful hankering for both plus what else was there to do on a Friday night, right? I made my normal sized batches and forced my neighbors to take a third each. The benefits of neighbors, boy howdy! My one neighbor mowed my whole lawn for me on Thursday afternoon and wouldn't take any money for it - so I figured he was due for some homemade food as payment. I am blessed with the neighbors I have. Truly. Example of this - my younger neighbor was going to the dump on Saturday and asked if I had anything to go. "Why, Yes! Thanks for asking!" I replied...

...so Saturday morning after eating my eggs with salsa on them I decided that there was nothing stopping me from taking an hour nap. After all, I'm alone and Norman always has to rest after he eats so he doesn't get bloat or a twisted tummy, so quick nap was logical for us both. We went in for a nap. I had every confidence in the world that it would be a short one. I was wrong. It was thundering out so Norman wanted under his cover and I had the 'black out' curtains drawn so he wouldn't see lightning. Next thing I know Norman was ripping out of bed and his nails scratch my leg and I got up to see what the hubbub was about. IT WAS AFTER 12 p.m.!!! I had slept HARD and for hours!!

It turns out my neighbor Justin had come over to confirm what I wanted to put in the trailer for his run to the dump and he knocked several times LOUDLY and neither Norm or I heard this!! He was very concerned, so he went to Sue and Ron's house to express said concern. Sue came over and looked in the windows. They called. They texted. They looked in the windows and didn't see me or Norman, but saw the cat - so they knew it was not carbon monoxide poisoning going on inside. Sue thought maybe I had gone off with Norman with my kids possibly. I don't know what finally woke Norman up but he came out barking and all ready to defend the castle and ripping my leg off (which concerned them more since if Norman was in the house, then I was in there, too...) I slipped on some clothing and walked out into the living room in a nap haze and saw Sue looking in the front window. I went to the door and opened it. They were all relieved. I was confused. I stumbled outside and they told me what was happening. It was obvious I had been sleeping as I'm sure my hair was all akimbo and I was a bit disorientated. Now how fricken cool is that - my neighbors were so concerned for me!! This warmed my heart extremely once I woke up enough to comprehend what was going on. I can't believe I slept for so long and was so deeply asleep. Bless them all for being such cool humans to love me that much!!

After that incident, I decided I needed some hanging baskets for the front of the dog pen so I got ready and went to the local nursery. I got three hanging baskets and two new orange dahlias and two moon flower morning glories. I wasn't going to try to grow moon flowers this year because last year they were very non-productive, but heck - one must never give up, right? Never say never! My BFF is coming in July and I would love for them to bloom while she's here as she missed the blooming the year she was up when we had our 40th class reunion.

I am off to get ready to go to breakfast with my boys. I will NOT be taking a coma nap today!

May 25, 2022 - The sound of Norman drinking makes me cringe. It sounds like a large elephant wading in the ocean at a fast clip. Sigh. Great Danes drink with gusto and they leave a river trail from the bowl to their next destination. If you are not ready with a towel, you have lots of clean up to do.

We have storms coming later tonight. There is a tornado warning a few counties up from me right now. I backed up my PC and put the backup drive in the safe just in case. I back up my personal PC twice a month just to be safe, anyway - but I couldn't remember the last time I did it, so I did it. Norman is sighing behind me on the couch because he probably has to go potty but he refuses to go outside in the rain. Norman is odd like that in a lot of ways. He hates being around poop in the yard. (If you throw a ball in the vicinity of a pile of someones poop, he will NOT get the ball.) He is terrified of thunder and loud noises. If he can't see me in the yard, he has a fit. If you wear a new shirt or new shoes he will bark at you if you are the neighbors. My neighbor was out there this evening cleaning out a paint tray and Norman has never seen a paint tray so it was required by Norman Law to bark like an idiot at my neighbor the whole time he was trying to clean it. He also barked for 10 minutes yesterday at the same neighbor who had a measuring tape hooked to his pants. Norman saw that and came all undone. Justin pulled out some of the tape and LOOK OUT, NORMAN RAN AND BARKED. The fur on his back was up... Ugh. I love that damned dog but he's not that bright sometimes. Apparently neither am I - read on...

I also changed both water filters tonight. This used to be my husband's chore, but I have inherited the duties. I have a water filter at the point of water entry to the house, and another one under the kitchen sink that goes to our 'drinking' faucet. Our water here is HORRID RUSTY. I do not have a softener system. When you change the filters, the insides of the filter holders are very rusty. My husband only changed the water filters every two to three months. I have changed this to once a month. This house has to last me until I either die or build a new house, so I am trying like hell to keep things going. I had an issue with the upstairs filter. I tried turning it to get the filter out and it wouldn't budge. I tried and tried. I thought in my head "righty tighty left lucy" and I swear I was turning it correctly. Obviously not. I went downstairs to turn the under sink filter to test my knowledge of turning things the way I thought they should turn. The under sink filter has a tool to help turn the cartridge holder, and by gosh - I WAS TOTALLY OFF! Since I was playing with that anyway to test my directional mental disability, I changed out that filter. I went back upstairs to the main filter and turned it opposite of what I though it should be and TA DAH! It came off. Sigh. I wonder why I have such trouble with how to turn things?? I have no issues with light bulbs or jelly jars or other things. Just some things. Maybe there is a damaged brain cell up there that is causing this. I have another brain cell issue when I try to say "LETTER TO THE EDITORS" and it comes out as "lettetitors." Oh well. As long as I can remember how to breathe, I can let a few things slide...

May 29, 2022 - Yesterday morning I went out to move the lawn tractor so I could put gas in it. The day before my neighbor changed the blades on it for me to the new ones I bought, and he parked it back in the tent for me. So I start the thing and it won't move. "Um..." I thought. Obviously there was a parking brake on the damned thing but I've never used it. I came in and texted him, asking if he engaged any brakes. While I waited to hear from him I check on YouTube about such things. There, in the video and in plain site was how to take it OUT of parking brake mode. Hahahahaha. Seriously - I never had done that so I wasn't sure. I got my reading glasses so I could see the switch with the big P on it and did what the video said just as my neighbor came over to show me. Poor dude. He must assume he's living next to a senile old woman. Still, it was funny. Who knew lawn mowers had parking brakes? Now I know. Leaning is fun-damental.

The boys met me for breakfast after that. I do so enjoy those gatherings. Talking like adults to my adult sons is a hoot. We all came back to the house and my youngest did the push mowing and the lawn tractor mowing while I did the weed whacking. My oldest was official Norman babysitter. I hope we can continue the breakfast tradition even as the seasons change.

My sister in law came over for a visit in the early afternoon. That was nice. I had bought a wee small doggie play pen sort of thing for her doggie, Cosmo. He is a cutie! We sat out for about an hour just gabbing and watching Norman BEGGING her wee little dog to play. Norman just doesn't understand that one good fart from him could blow that wee dog over. Norman brought him his huge orange soccer ball to get him to play. It was kind of adorable. Finally Norman just laid down next to Cosmos gate and we all just relaxed. (I had a big old glass of ice tea with ice and I was looking forward to drinking that, but Norman got to it before I did. Sigh. Once Norman drinks from ANYTHING, it is wise just to pour it out and start over...) This was a 'test' run for Cosmo and the little doggy play pen to see how he would react to that and to see how Norman would react to Cosmo. Next time, since this went well, I will have both his sisters over for a visit and a slobber. (I highly suggest you guys DON'T WEAR SANDALS!! Hahahaha.)

Today my brother in law is stopping by, I think. He lives almost 2 hours up North. I sure hope he moves down here with all of us. He has two sisters down here, and all his best friends are down here. It would be nice if he could come on down and stay. He's been fixing his place up to put it on the market so I hope that goes well. I love all my 'in law' siblings.

Tomorrow my Sister's youngest daughter and her one doggie are coming over for a puppy play date. That will be nice, too. Today so far I've cleaned out a few things that my husband had in the bedroom. Stuff I didn't want has been burned, if it met that criteria. Other stuff that I have no clue what it is - I'll ask his brother to tell me what it is and if I should I keep it, and if not does he want it. My husband saved EVERYTHING. Although that was a clutter catastrophe, it saved our butts more than once over the years. Sorting things out will take a LONG time. So much stuff to go through. Things I never cared about and didn't have to worry about... I gave my oldest son some of the new shirts I found that my husband never even wore.

My BFF has a birthday today. We talked for over an hour last night. I do so enjoy talking to her but she's coming up in July and I will LOVE THAT. With all the flight delays and cancellations lately that I see on the news, I sure hope things work out so there is no chance she CAN'T make it. I think I would be devastated if she couldn't come. She is going to go to the concert with my kids and I, too! (The Here Come The Mummies concert.)

May 30, 2022 - I've said it a million times and I will say it again - I LOVE WHERE I LIVE. Early in the morning it's like a zoo outside. There were a plethora of bunnies in our yards and squirrels and turkeys across the road and deer way out back. It is very peaceful, yet entertaining. The one squirrel acts like he has something biting his butt and on occasion will jump and twirl.

My nieces came over today and spent a few hours with me while the dogs played and slobbered us. It was so fun. It truly lifted my spirits. I can't wait for my daughter and son in law to come one of these weekends - it's been a long time! It is so good to be so blessed with family and friends.

June 4, 2022 - This morning I took Norman in to get his nails trimmed. He is always up for a 'ride' so it is easy to get him to go. He doesn't like getting his nails trimmed but he's getting more mellow and will go to the back at the groomer's like a good boy to get it done and when it's over, he'll only drag me for a few feet when we leave as he is in such a hurry to leave that place - and he leaves with gusto.

Today the boys came over and my youngest did the push mowing and tractor mowing and I weed whacked. This seems to be a weekly "thing" now and I do so appreciate them helping me out. My oldest babysat Norman while we did that stuff. (Of course, we went to breakfast first.) I am blessed to have awesome kids (but I would like to think I had something to do with the fact that they are awesome.) I can't wait for my daughter and son in law to come home for the weekend.

I did a thing - on Thursday night I met my friends at in our local village for the dedication of our new park and then we had a few beers and ate from food trucks and they had a reggae band that was marvelous and it WAS JUST FUN. I only stayed two hours but still - IT WAS FUN. I did something! I am proud of me. I always worry over Norman being alone - but I said to myself, "Sandy, he's a DOG and he can handle you being gone for a while in the evening..." My husband was a curmudgeon and didn't like people over and did not like going places much. To be perfectly honest, I feel sort of a 'freedom' being able to go somewhere like the village party. Had it been Friday night, I may have stayed for more than two hours!

I went in to town tonight to get some groceries and stuff I needed and that was even fun. I took my time going up and down each aisle, and I am pretty sure I came home with WAY MORE than was on my list but there were just things I needed, so it was OK. Norman helped me carry in groceries (not really - he's mainly an awkward, bulky escort that tends to get in my way) until he found the toy in one of the bags I got for him. He KNOWS it was his and he grabbed it an off he went. Nice diversion for me so I could put stuff away.

I have been slowly sorting things out of my husband's side of the closet. That boy saved EVERYTHING. I know I've said that before, but DAMN. There is still a long way to go on the sort, but I have nothing but time. My friend Jim sold the motorcycle for me, so that is one less thing to worry about for me and Jim. There is also the 'walk of sheds' that I will need to eventually go through as well. My brother in law has taken some things, plus my husband gave his brother the Camaro that's been covered up in a tent thing outside for 10+ years. (One more thing solved...) The Camaro was in pretty good shape (interior wise) considering how long it has set, and there was only one little mouse in the driver's seat that is one puff of air away from disintegrating. I assumed there would be an mouse apartment complex in that car and a mouse water park and mouse riding stables...

There is a younger Oriole that TRIES to get to the grape jelly but is failing miserably. He has to hone his aerial navigational skills. He tries to land on the feeder but misses, or pulls up too soon, or overshoots it. I laugh. He'll get it one of these days. In the mean time - cheap entertainment for Sandy. A raccoon has been running off with my suet feeder and it really makes me want to mount a critter came out there to catch him in the act and alert me that he's out there. (But, hey - I'm the stupid that keeps filling it - so I say he deserves some lard to teach me a lesson.)

June 9, 2022 - I had such a hankering for salsa the other day, so I thought I would try watermelon salsa (my BFF said it was marvelous). Then I thought, "Hmmm, I'd really like regular salsa too..." so I made a batch of both. I gave watermelon salsa to my neighbor men and I've been eating salsa for every meal. Hahahaha. I think I have had my fill of salsa, but it's so GOOD and it's good for you. I have been having it on my breakfast eggs and in a bowl like soup for lunch and again at suppertime. It sure helps the sugar numbers, that's for sure. I wonder who came up with salsa? What is accidental but once they tried they said, "EUREKA! I'M A GENIUS"!! I've said it before and I'll no doubt say it six million more times....Salsa and occasional masturbation could cure all ills....

I went to supper last night with my dear friend Linda. I do so enjoy her company. (So I did NOT have salsa last night. We ordered pizza from the place we went and it was very very good.) It has been raining and we needed rain so I won't complain. Norman gets a bit upset when he can't go out in the rain or WON'T go out in the rain, but other than that, all is well in Sandy land. It think I'm going to have to start A LIST so I can get things done I want to get done. I think there is so much I need to do so I end up doing nothing. I am sure a list would help, right? A list would at least give me one more thing to magnet to the fridge...

I ordered myself new kitchen rugs and they should be here Friday. That means I also will have to thoroughly sweep the kitchen floor and mop it first before I put down new rugs. (My one sister in law likes to get new curtains - me, I like to get new rugs. We all have that one 'house thing' we are obsessed with...)

June 15, 2022 - It has been very hot. I would go as far as saying we're having a heat wave. When Michigan is hotter that Florida, I believe that constitutes a heat wave. I am not fond of heat. Monday night we had storms, too. Many places got it bad, but my street didn't get much damage. To our west they had many trees down and power poles down. The lightning was so amazing! What a show. I can't remember when I've seen such a light show from Mother Nature. Norman was NOT happy about the storm. When it first started getting cloudy out I tried to get him out before it rained. He wouldn't go out because it WAS cloudy out (and he knows what clouds bring) PLUS there was a jet going overhead and was very noisy and I know he thought it was thunder. My Great Dane is a royal baby.

We got about two inches of rain from those storms. (I know this because Norman's kiddie pool was empty when I went to bed, and when I woke up there was about 2" of water in it.) There are some branches down I need to pick up, but it can cool off a smidge before I go out and do that! Unless there is a pervert in the neighborhood that has a stick fetish, I am pretty sure they will be there until I pick 'em up.

I ordered some toys for Norman and they came today. I gave him one. It lasted maybe six minutes. Now there is the guts of a duck all over and my living room looks like a cotton field. Sigh. I know I knew when I ordered them that he would just rip 'em up. I was correct. They have not had his 'suck babies' in stock ANYWHERE. He loves the Frisco Muscle Sloth. Nope, apparently they are not making that now. Since there is a supply issue with everything in the whole world - then I am pretty sure he will not be getting any new suck babies any time soon. He'll have to go to counseling, no doubt...

My husband is home! I sent his ashes off to Parting Stones in New Mexico last month, and he's home now in rock form. I was so happy he's home. I love rocks. Plus it felt like 'closure' I think. The kids will get some and each of his siblings will get one and then my BFF and I will paint some when she's up next month. I also want to do a cool arrangement with a few of his stones for our favorite diner in town - get a square glass vase and some cool fake flowers and make it pretty and take it to them. My husband was not one to like to go anywhere, but he liked his breakfast at "our" diner.

I was not sure what to make for supper Monday night, so I ordered plain wings and a salad and ate half Monday night and half last night. Tonight it is a lean cuisine of spinach ravioli and a banana. After work I also went through all the medicines on the med shelf and sorted them out - looking for the expired drugs. The I got inspired and search through what little is in the fridge and pitched the outdated stuff. I bought a lot of crap when I was trying to get something my husband would eat when he was getting sicker...

I sorted more out of the closet and found a box with new boots in it that he had purchased. They were too nice/new to just donate, so I tried my hand at Facebook Market place. I looked up how much they cost when they were new and it was over $200.00! The boots have sold. I will use Marketplace more as I find things that are in darned good shape.

Last night I was having a chocolate attack and ALMOST got dressed to go to the store, but thankfully it was so darned hot and I had no urge to put a bra on. I settled for an apple with peanut butter. (It was good but it was NOT chocolate!)

June 29, 2022 - I swear I can't keep up anymore. It's not like my life is exciting or anything - I just have issues keeping up with its boring ways. Smile.

Not too boring - I think I have a mouse issue. Last night I came out of the bathroom then was heading to bed when I saw a wee mouse on the living room floor. I picked it up and gave it a heave ho outside. I figured the little goober got in when I had one of the doors open. (I am terrible that way - leaving doors hanging open when I am just running something outside real quick.) When I woke up this morning, Norman was very interested in something on the carpet in the living room. It was a dead mouse that Rocko the Cat got (thank you, Rocko) but left on the floor because Rocko does NOT eat mice, but he will strike one down dead on occasion because he can, being a cat an all...

I've tried to think of anything I may have brought into the house that may have had a migrant family of mice in it...I can think of nothing. I suppose there is just a way into this p.o.s. house and the mice have found it. I will be ever vigilant and hopefully Rocko does his job as a cat and keeps it down to a dull roar until I can figure all this out. When you see a varmint in your house your first instinct is to clean the heck out of the house in hot pursuit of said critters but I won't have time to do that until this weekend. "In Search Of....MOUSE TURDS!!"

The my daughter and son in law were in this last weekend, so the whole herd of my kids and myself went to breakfast. It was a hoot. They also came over on Sunday to take me shopping for shorts. I got to ride in the back and actually LOOKS at things through the window! I never get to do that!! We went to lunch at Noodles and Company. Yum. It was a fun weekend.

This weekend is the Air Show and they have the Thunderbirds and I SO WANT TO SEE THEM. I invited the boys - and they did not seem to interested, but as my oldest said, "You CAN go by yourself, you know..." Yes, Yes I can. I should at least attempt this.

Norman got to meet his brother last week. The friend (that gave me Norman in March of 2020 when I was whining about wanting a puppy during the Covid Shutdown) has Norman's brother. Norman's brother has like 50 pounds on Norman!! My friend has six great danes and the boys are not fixed, so they get HUGE. I fixed Norman at a year old and he's smaller in bulk, but taller in height. Norm was overwhelmed by all the dogs. He did NOT initially like his brother as Colossus was all over him with gusto. (In a good way - he thinks all dogs want to play with him.) Norman, being a fancy boy and scared of his own shadow was just too scared. We took Norm out to see their peacocks and chickens and horses, and they let out their oldest male, Cain, who is quite good with other dogs. He didn't show aggression towards Norman and we all sat out and loved on them both. Then they took Cain in and brought out Colossus again and it went much better. Norman and Colossus played for a while and then we went home. Norm passed out on the living room floor when we got back. So much excitement for the boy.

July 4, 2022 - 'Tis the Fourth of July. Norman has been terrified of all the fireworks the last two nights. Depending on where people are setting them off, I can have fans on and keep the 'noise' down so he can't really hear them, but let's face it - he's a DOG and can hear Jesus breathing in Heaven. Last night he paced and paced and wouldn't stay in bed until way after midnight. I do enjoy good fireworks at a venue, but I feel bad for Norman during times like this when the neighbors have spent their last three paychecks stocking up on explosives.

The friend who gave me Norman in March of 2020 offered to watch him so I could go to the Air Show on Saturday. This would be the first time Norman was ever away from his "Mom" for that length of time (except for when the kids would stay here when I had my husband in Ann Arbor at the hospital, but then he was at least HOME.) I almost cried when I dropped him off! How silly of me. My oldest went with me to the air show, which was nice of him. It would be hot and sunny and he still came along. When we got there, I told him I had to have a pretzel before we found our spot to sit. I got my pretzel and my son ended up losing his glasses. Ugh. We retraced our steps several times looking for them, but to no avail. The pretzel was very crappy. The cheese that came with it was crappy. I ate the part with the most salt and not the rest. Plus I kept smelling something that was horrid to my nose but my son said it was just 'Fair Food' I was smelling. I have had issues smelling and tasting since radiation and the 'fair food' smell was just gross to me. (I had to change my clothes when I got home, it was still so strong.)

The first few acts were awesome. There was this long winged jet that did a ballet in the sky and that was stunning. There were old prop planes that flew up as far as they could and hung there by just the sheer power of their props! The first act was a ladies sky diving team that brought two American flags down as they had someone sing the national anthem. That was cool. Then they had the Shockwave Jet Truck out racing two planes. The jet noise from the truck gave me goosebumps. I wanted JETS and I was so excited to see the Thunderbirds later. That, unfortunately, did not happen. When the Shockwave Truck was in the last part of his performance, "racing the planes" and after he deployed his parachutes, he somehow twisted and exploded and rolled and rolled. They halted the air show, but while waiting all I could think of was 'there are no ambulance sirens...that isn't good..." I went for a walk. I felt so sad. I can't express how sad I was for the dude. When I got back, my son reported all that he had overheard other people saying. Yes, the driver, Chris Darnell, was dead. I prayed he went fast and didn't suffer. People said there were already videos posted on line so we tried to search, but thousands of other were trying to search, too - so the connection was not happening on the field. I went and got us a corn dog and a bucket of fries while we waited for confirmation they were ending the show for the day. I honestly felt so damned sorry for the dude. He's entertaining us and ends up dying? Not fair. Not fair at all...

They did cancel the show and we left. People were rude. "I paid all this money for nothing?" The things my son heard people in the parking lot saying were just terrible. Another friend heard people swearing and yelling at the entrance people about wanting a refund and blah blah blah. A MAN JUST DIED, PEOPLE. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS?!?! People are not just disposable. I was so angry at the asshole humans out there. THEY SHOULD HAVE CANCELLED. The guys family WATCHED HIM DIE, FOR GOD'S SAKE!! Have some respect. It made my stomach hurt.

I dropped my son off at home. We did manage to laugh. I told him I promised his Dad I'd take a rock to the show and I forgot. "Maybe that was Dad doing that - tinkin' the guy off the runway, like "You ain't gonna enjoy nothing' today, woman!" As morbid as it was, I still laughed. I went in to my son's house (he shares with his brother) and got to see all the work my youngest had done in there. He put in new flooring, new cool shades, new cool lights, new awesome cool ceiling fans, and he painted the place. I didn't recognize the the house! It looked awesome. I left there and went to get Norman. GOOD LORD, the boy almost knocked me over three times, he was so happy I came back. He couldn't get close enough to me - he acted like he was trying to crawl inside my skin. Where he was has six other great danes so he wasn't alone, but he was missing me, that's for sure.

When we got home I looked up the video of the accident at the air show. The poor dude didn't stand a chance. I went through the one video frame by frame to see if I could tell what caused the accident. It was just after his chutes deployed and his truck twisted you could see an explosion on the side of the truck, causing him to continue to explode while it rolled and blew apart. That poor poor guy. He was full of jet fuel. He was doomed from the first malfunction.

They dedicated yesterday's show to him and two of the planes that flew with him during the incident plus two others did the missing man formation. They are collecting funds for the family. The bands are donating their paychecks to the family. That is only right and it is kind of them. When you lose someone you love, it is hard to carry on or go forward at all, especially at first, but hopefully the Air Show donations will help with all the things that will be coming up for his wife and kids.

Today I am still depressed over the actions of some. I must shake this off and carry on and know there ARE good people in the world and I have to try to be a good person, too. The people who were so terrible at the Air Show must be very unhappy people to begin with not to have any concern for their fellow humans. I feel bad for those people. I feel bad for the human race. I will just hang with my needy great dane doggie today and give him lots of hugs and thank the Lord I am who I am and I have kids that are who they are and friends that are awesome. I am blessed and I appreciate that all to heck.

I'm off to make humming bird food. They've been little piggies. Have a safe day.

July 14, 2022 - I am almost done cleaning the house as much as it is going to be cleaned before Saturday. We're having my sister's Celebration of Life here. The tent got put up today and the tables and chairs were delivered. I have the food ordered and will pick that up on the way home from the cemetery after we place my sister in the grave with my Mom and Dad. (We have a little plot that will hold six cremation containers.)

I've mopped the floors that can be mopped and think I got most of the cobwebs down. I have washed rugs. I just have to remember to get the other cooler out of the shed to go with my big cooler. I have also manged to clean upstairs since my BFF will be arriving here next Thursday night. She insisted on sleeping upstairs. I wanted her to sleep in my bed and I would sleep on the couch, but she said NO since Norman wouldn't know what to do in that case. That is true, but I feel bad for sticking her up there. I have not cleaned up there is so long it was a disgrace. Cat barf - EVERYWHERE. Cat hair - EVERYWHERE. I had to empty the vacuum container three times. I sanitized. Rocko pretty much owns the upstairs and it showed. I got new sheets for the makeshift bed up there and bought two new pillows. There is a firmer pillow up there that has managed to escape the ravages of fur balls, so I put a clean pillow case on that. I got her a little lamp so she can read in bed. I had my son put the little air conditioner in the window since the upstairs gets horribly hot and I don't want to melt my BFF. The only upcoming issue I have is driving home in the dark after I pick Vickie up, but my neighbor reminded me if we get right on the road and if her plane is on time, we should have half of the drive with the sun out still. Yay. Once I get to a certain point I am sure I can navigate the rest of the way. Smile. Old age and driving in the dark DO NOT go hand and hand...

Norman has been SUCH A BIG HELP while I've been cleaning. He attacked the vacuum constantly. He knocked over the mop and he got scared when he tipped the broom over and lept over the garbage can I had in the living room knocking that and its contents all over. He has had to follow me everywhere. I had the bathroom door closed to mop behind the door and he practically knocked it down trying to get to me. He is a very needy, person dependent doggy. When I was dusting the high shelf I knocked a petrified stink bug off onto the floor and I do believe he ate it. I had pulled the couch out to sweep and so the normal "Friday Night is Suck Baby Retrieval Night" turned into a Thursday event. (He drops his favorite toys back there when he's being a turd head or when he's barking out the window at UPS or FedEx people. These are his favorite toys that he doesn't destroy and we call them 'Suck Babies' since for comfort he will suck on their heads as he's falling asleep on the couch.) There where six suck babies back there. He is currently attempting to shove one in my face so I will play with him... I still need to clean the dried slobber splashes off the TV and windows, but then I think I'm pretty much done. Tomorrow I believe my youngest is coming to mow and I will weed whack.

I believe I will put stuff away and get my jammies on and quit for the night. I'm a pooped old heifer.

July 17, 2022 - I am having a Marie Calendar Turkey/Stuffing/Potato dinner. It's food, but it's not good. I was too pooped today to go pick up anything. Plus there were tons of fruit and veggies left from yesterday, so I am not suffering for things to put in my face!

Yesterday went pretty well. The boys helped put stuff up, and my oldest niece and her family arrived early and helped, too. We left for the cemetery and that was nice. (Well, I know saying goodbye to a loved on isn't 'nice' but the whole thing was sort of cathartic.) I got to see my one niece I've not seen in YEARS and she brought her oldest and youngest kids. Both fine young people. It was good to catch up with them and talk to everyone. When it was time to 'shut it down' everyone helped clean up and take down the chair and tables. It was nice to pay tribute to my sister with her family.

When Norm and I went to bed last night, we SLEPT ALL NIGHT! We both woke up at eight a.m. and got the bathroom in time. After that - we both went BACK to bed and slept til noon! Norm did so well yesterday, I can't believe it (everyone got issued a dish towel for drool protection) but it wore the poor dude out.

I have been craving watermelon SO MUCH lately, so I looked it up and it says that "you are either dehydrated, your body needs the nutrients in watermelon, or you just want some watermelon." I think mine is the latter - I just want watermelon. I can sort of taste it, too. I don't dare buy a full watermelon lest I consume it in one setting, but I will buy several slices to have on hand.

July 19, 2022 - And I thought my life was boring...

After work I ran up to the store. Going down the road I pulled over because I saw a police car coming. Then coming from the street I was going to turn on comes this old suburban type vehicle that was being pursued by another police truck. The police vehicles went on following the suburban and the "perp" turned into the little roads that went down to the lake. I went on my merry way. At the store I get a text from my neighbor saying there were police in the field east of our houses. I called him and told him about my experience. He asked what kind of car was it, I told him and he said "It's out in that field!" The police brought dogs in and searched and they towed away the offenders ride and they all just drove away. I figured they either got him or they gave up. I was keeping my doors locked just in case.

Then before I intended to go to bed, I'm out in the dog pen letting Norman get one more pee and here comes this black sedan that just whipped into my yard and sped to the back (to the field mentioned above). I called the police. "I guess you didn't get the guy earlier, aye, because his ride is here!!!!" I gave my info to the dispatcher and she told me to get in the house and lock my doors. "Do you want an officer to follow up with you?" she asked nicely. "Hell Yes! Or I won't sleep tonight!" It wasn't a minute later that a state police car pulled into my yard and drove back to that car which was now stuck at the fence back there. Bless the boys in blue...

So I called my neighbors to update them and we all went outside to watch. There were two people in the car and they are now in the back of the state car. The state trooper is searching their vehicle. The bugs were so bad out there I came in the house with Norman and started blogging. I have my police scanner on, too. I pop out now and then to check if they are still there. The poor dude who thought he was getting a ride is going to be stuck out there with all these mosquitoes and heat and bugs...Sigh. Why wouldn't you just give yourself up instead of getting malaria and equine encephalitis? Maybe the dude is hopped up on meth and maybe mosquitoes don't like meth? And it just dawned on me that if the dude has phone and did call for a pick up, why can't they zero in on his location by phone number?

Oh, now a sheriff car just went back there...

Really, I need to go to bed. I still have to work tomorrow, but I told the dispatch lady I wanted a follow up from an officer. Sigh. My BFF said, "What if that guy is in one of your sheds?" (Because I have a walk of sheds as you recall...) The only shed he could be in (since the rest have locks on the outside) would be the new blue one, and I pity the fool trying to stay in there with this heat.

I swear I just heard the scanner say that there was someone back there on LSD?

Oh, now an ambulance went back there...

Oh, now a firetruck came and parked in the neighbor's driveway and they all walked back...

Oh, now another officer came...

One of my neighbor's friends pulled in to see what was going on. He's a fireman, so he walked back there to get the scoop. He just came back through and said they were BOTH going to jail as the female was drunk (per the departing firemen that just walked back up through the yard almost tripping over my many wind spinners) and the male had warrants on him. Sigh. This has been quite a night. They did take a lot out of the people's car when they searched it. I still think this is related to the dude in the woods who called for a pick up and the pick up failed miserably. I will sleep with all doors locked tonight as the original dude is still out there...somewhere...since his pick up didn't work. Poor Norman doesn't know what to do about all of this.

(I wish all this had happened on Saturday and the officers could have helped eat up the food that was leftover.)
(I've let 6000 mosquitoes into the house with running in and out tonight.)
(I think I'm getting a camera for the top of my house with 360 view capacity.)
(The yard on the other side will be really matted down with all the cars coming and going...)

The tow truck just got here and I had to go out and tell him he could drive through my side yard to get to the car out back (since everyone else and their brother have done it so far tonight). I told him he should be OK and not get stuck as it's not muddy out there. (There's plenty of Norman poop out back, but the ground is pretty firm). I apologized to the firemen, too - since they would have walked all through Norman's doo-doo and they assured me their boots get covered in much worse stuff.

Someone just slowly drove by on a bike checking this all out...Norman let them know he was not happy about that.

I hope malaria encephalitis man is happy he got two of his friends sent to jail and he might as well just give up and go join them. My neighbor just texted and said they were searching the field again...I hope the officer's have bug spray. Just heard the scanner and someone said, "Do you want me to take the tree line or the road?" I hope they find the asshat. It's 1:30 a.m. and I'm going to bed.

July 27, 2022 - The last week has been unique, to say the least. My BFF was due in last Thursday. However, her flight to Charlotte from her local airport was delayed several times and there was no way to make her connecting flight to Grand Rapids and there were no other flights to take, so she called her boyfriend to come pick her up. She was devastated. I was devastated. I had tried to keep from getting too excited about her coming up so I would not be disappointed if something went wrong, but I was just lying to myself. I was disappointed. I cried. I swore a lot. I felt 'flat' and used up. I even whined on Facebook about feeling bad and ready to break down. I think I've been through a hellofalot the last few years and her possibly not coming up was the straw that broke the camel's back. Ugh.

Friday was Here Come the Mummies concert. My kids all came and my niece and my neighbors and several of my dear friends and it was a good good concert. That band ALWAYS kicks butt and takes name. I danced. I sang along. I still felt deflated and flat, though. (Listen to me whine like a baby - geez. It was fun to be with my kids. I took a rock of my husband with me so we got the traditional family shot of all of us, which I thought was awesome. I wouldn't have traded that night for the world, but I wish my BFF was able to see them live.)

I was thrilled to learn that my BFF had decided to give it another go and switched her tickets to Saturday. YAY! She was coming in after nine p.m. and Sandy + Driving in the Dark = potential highway crash investigation plus breaking news story, so my oldest was our chauffeur. BLESS HIS HEART. She was on the ground and I was hugging her and we had her packed in the car when the storm came. Winds! Rains! Oh, the humanity! Yikes! She and I would still be in Grand Rapids had it not been for my son. He is a semi driver and is used to battling the elements in a loaded semi and can still see to night drive (ah, the benefits of being younger). We got home safe and sound. Contented sigh. On Sunday Vickie and I had dinner with both my sons as payback for them helping us. That was fun. I love my damned kids.

I had My Vickie. I told her that when I was driving up to the airport - when I saw the first runway - I broke out in to a smile the size of Texas and teared up. I calculated and we've been BFFs for 46 years. I felt utterly HAPPY. I didn't realize how 'bad' I had been feeling inside until I wasn't feeling that way. Odd how life is...

We took our road trip to Frankenmuth. Being from Michigan, we had pondered weeks ago that we should probably go up there once before we die. They have Bronner's Christmas Store. Oh My. SO MANY CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. SO SO MANY SHINY THINGS. You could go back every day for a week and still not see it all. (You learn to tune out the Christmas music that is constantly playing while you are lost in the sea of shiny.) We both got a few things after ooooing and awwwwwwing for over an hour. We decided it was time to check in to our hotel. I had booked us a river side balcony room at the Bavarian Inn. It sounded wonderful on line. It was OK. What is a hotel, after all - but a place to sleep? (I must admit I had trouble sleeping without Norman's butt in my face...) The bathroom was tiny. Really. You kind of had to back in to the bathroom to the toilet and the shower was RIGHT THERE next to the toilet - you could have probably been able to poop and shower at the same time but I didn't try it. It was not what I expected. Everything in Frankenmuth has a 'German - Bavarian' feel to it. They pipe that type of music all over the place. There are so many specialty shops. We went to dinner at Zender's Restaurant for supper. The staff is dressed in (you guessed it) German themed old time costumes. You can get a 'family style' spread where they bring you soup, coleslaw, cottage cheese, bread, butter, more bread, noodles, mashed potatoes, stuffing, a very small dish of veggies (but who's gonna eat those with all the other stuff), cranberry sauce, gravy, chicken...you get the idea. It was OK. It wasn't something spectacular. They are "world famous" supposedly but I must have different concepts of 'world famous' than the rest of the humans on Earth. I have had issues smelling and tasting since radiation but I stated to my BFF, "I may not be able to taste very well, but that is just sh%@@y stuffing..." (This became a blurt-able phrase at random the rest of our time there and I am sure the rest of the week.) When he brought the menus I managed to knock my glass of water all over the poor boy, too.

We went to the Cheese Haus (most places have a 'Haus' at the end of their name) and got some things. We walked and got ice cream. Yum. The music outside of that place was almost a Bavarian/Mexican/Polka mix. We walked around the shops. Truly a tourist town. Now that we've seen it - I doubt I'd ever want to go back.

My friend had a rash on her arms and she was worried about it so we got up, showered, checked out, and went up to an express medical place to have her checked out. Apparently her skin is at the age where it is tired of trying - the rash is a result of the inability to regenerate like it used too. This will happen to all of us eventually. Good to know. The doctor told her what to buy to help so off we went again. I wanted breakfast and she was getting hungry, too, so we left Frankenmuth and were looking for at least a McDonald's to stop at when we found Tony's Diner. My friend Jean had told me we had to go there, but I totally forgot about it. It is your typical 'diner dive' but they serve everything in the largest way possible. When you order bacon, YOU GET A POUND OF BACON. The omelettes are all 12 egg omelettes. The burgers reach to the ceiling. Unreal. We both ordered what we thought was the smallest things we could, but we still got BACON and there was SO MUCH BACON. (At least it wasn't sh%@@y stuffing!) We ate until we could eat no more. We took the pound of bacon with us. "Maybe we'll see someone on the side of the road that looks hungry...."

After that we went to see one of her co-workers who works in Michigan and that was fun. Wonderful woman. Getting there was funny because at one point we just gave up trying to keep our bearings about us and let Garmin and God take the wheel since there were SO many curves and turns and... Yikes. I am still not even sure where the hell we were. I did force her friend to take the pound of bacon riding in the back seat...

We finally got home, dismissed my youngest who was babysitting Norman, and sent him on his way. Norman was SO HAPPY to see me. I love that damned dog. After Normie at supper, we took off to find produce for salsa. My BFF loves to chop and cook and she's quite accomplished at that. I had purchased a new state of the art chopping knife for her. She was going to make me salsa! NO ONE'S MADE ME SALSA AND I WAS SO EXCITED. We stopped at the local farm stand and got fresh parsley and tomatoes and some sweet corn. We finished up at the local grocery store for the rest. When we came home she decided to at least wash all the veggies before bed so they'd be ready for the morning. After a bit, she decided to try out her new knife. She just kept chopping...

She asked me to put on music, so I was getting my Spotify on the TV and she said something to me and I thought she was just asking where the music was but it turns out she was trying to let me know she had cut herself. Why we would find this funny is beyond me, but as I doctored her up we were laughing as I cleaned her wound and bandaged her up (it was her middle finger) and cut the middle finger out of a rubber glove to put on the wounded finger - we were still laughing hysterically because I couldn't get the rest of the glove on her hand and she was bound and determined she was going to finish the salsa and when chopping jalapenos, you need a rubber glove on...I told her this was best because you should never sheath a knife before it being blooded...

It is excellent salsa. I am having some right now on my breakfast burrito. (Of course, as supervisor and nurse, I made sure it was up to the Sandy Quality Standard.)

We have three more day together - Friday afternoon I take her back up to the airport. I have not laughed this much since the last time she was up. It feels good...damned good.

July 28, 2022 - Oh my. More adventures... Yesterday we went to supper with our high school 'girls' and it was a hoot. I think we are so blessed to have this group of friends that have been our friends since we were 'little' and that the friendship lasted all these decades. (Ug - saying it that way - 'decades' - makes me suddenly feel OLD...BUT BLESSED.)

We came home and played with Norman. My youngest son had been here mowing and he didn't want to go in to the house and get Norman riled up but Norman was riled up as he KNEW my son was out there. We took Norm out and played fetch with him while the mowing was taking place. My son came in when done with the lawn and socialized a bit. Norman was in heaven. (He loves my kids, or as we refer to them - Norman's Big Brothers and Sisters.) Norman ate a late supper since we'd been gone. He was in the living room just being Norman - I was throwing him the drenched slobber toys he would shove in my face and all of a sudden Norman went down. In between the kitchen and living room - he just 'plopped' and I yelled for Vickie. "Help me get him up!" I assumed it was a bloat or stomach thing. Great Danes can twist their tummies and you are not supposed to let them go down. He didn't have a bloated stomach though. He just, well - fainted? I was convinced, though, that he was dying. I called the emergency vet to let them know we were coming and then called my neighbor to have him lift Norman into the car. (Bless that man's heart. I have the best neighbors ever.) If Vickie wasn't here, I don't know what I would have done. I've always been the strong one all these years - all my damned life - but when Norman went down I was terrified. Vickie kicked in and was the strong one for me. We discussed seizures on the way up since it felt like almost a seizure but he was not having convulsions. We tried to figure it out, being the certified vets that we are. Smile.

We got him in to the vet and it wasn't long before they came out and said it was probably a vagal episode. His vitals were fine. They did not do blood work but all the other stuff WAS FINE. The doctor explained vagal episodes to us - basically fainting. Could be caused by a million things. I will follow up with my vet for a visit to get blood work and the like. I was just terrified. I lost my sister, I lost my husband - I an SO not ready to lose Norman. Apparently since he was so sheltered during the first 1.5 years of his life due to covid and since my life is basically boring most of the time - all this new hubbub was too much for the boy.

July 29, 2022 - Recap of this week:

1) My BFF has a rash on her skin from possible previous sun damage long ago and she has to stay hydrated and moisturized and it looks like it is spreading. She is going to her doctor next week to follow up.
2) She cut her finger making salsa.
3) Norman has stepped on her feet so many times I'm sure she will have a broken toe.
4) She bashed her head on my tailgate when we were getting out groceries.
5) I have a huge bruise on my right leg under my knee and it hurts and when the hell did that happen?
6) I have a gash on my left hand on a knuckle. When the hell did that happen?
7) My dog is most likely a mix of Great Dane and fainting goat...

To summarize - spending a week with your best friend is dangerous for your health. Smile. However, we laughed hard and often. (Which explains the increase of underwear usage on my part and pee pads...I really should buy stock in Poise products...) It felt good she was here. We may be limping when I take her to airport, but the damage to the bodies was worth it in my mind. It will feel like a huge void when she leaves and I will no doubt feel sad and Norman will feel sad (he adores Vickie and her open toe shoes) and Norman and I can be sad together this weekend until life returns to normal on Monday.

I think this was the first time in my whole life where I can say I have NO URGE to go back to work. Really. I've not even checked emails all week. Suddenly at this point in my life it feels almost 'good' to not work. Odd. Normally I work on vacations. Maybe I don't have to work all the time. I have not heard where my company has closed due to lack of Sandy. I think we all need to remember that the company we work for WILL NOT STOP just because we are taking care of ourselves.

I thought there was a stampede of hippos running through water in my living room but it was just Norman cleaning his man parts. Yikes. What a dog.

August 2, 2022 - July has been moved to the Archive page and a new month begins. Sometimes it feels like I'm pullin' Gs because life goes by so fast...

I took my BFF to the airport on Friday night for her (delayed, yet doable) flight home. I cried when I left her. I sat in the parking garage JUST IN CASE until I knew her plane was airborne. I drove home - sad for a while, then laughing at our exploits and then by the time I was home I was feeling peaceful again. Norman was very happy to see me. I let him go potty and we went to bed. I saw that she got home at 12:30 a.m. safely. (I bet she went to bed and slept, too.) I had let chores slide when she was here to spend more time with her and so Saturday I swept the floor. Oh My Goodness! My house is the center of gravity when it comes to space dust landing on Earth, I swear. I had to empty the canister twice.

I painted a few of my husband's stones, too. I got myself paint pens to do this. I ended up doing a lot by brush, though. I must feel more comfortable with a brush. The pens are great if you are doing fine detail. I did the base color black on all three with a brush. I like how they turned out. They were starter rocks...I had to get used to using the paint pens. Next ones will be better. I will send several rocks plus her set of paint pens to my friend since we never did get around to painting when she was here. I look forward to this weekend when I can do more. I do like to paint and be artistic one in a while. Norman is a grand help as well and his nose ended up having blue all over it...

Speaking of the slobber monster - after his passing out episode last week when Vickie was here and my making my poor neighbor come and load him in the back of my car to take him to ER only to find out he just technically fainted - well, he had his follow up visit with my veterinarian clinic yesterday. They drew blood to do a test for a heart condition found in bigger dogs. All his vitals were excellent. The vet said that if I agreed to it they should schedule him for a heart ultra sounds. He goes Thursday morning for that. I think the price is worth my peace of mind, really. I love that beast and am not ready to lose him.

Since my BFF made me salsa last week I have been having salsa for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Needless to say by yesterday my poor buttocks was suffering from extreme salsa fatigue. I was going to use witch hazel on me sore bum last night and reached in and grabbed a bottle from under the bathroom sink. (My husband had SO MANY ISSUES with hemorrhoids the last few years of his life that he would panic if he thought we were 'almost out' of witch hazel - often texting me at work to get another bottle when in fact we had a ton under the sink...but I digress...) I poured some into some toilet paper and wiped my poor bum and I almost died. The sheer pain from it almost made me think I would pass out and all I could see what a white light in front of me. I must have been vocal as Norman came in to check on me and I screamed at him - THAT AIN'T WITCH HAZEL!! After I could see again through the blinding pain I saw the bottle said "Isopropyl Alcohol." Well, now - Ouch. You don't doctor a bad bum riddled with quarts of salsa damage with that, now - do we? I grabbed a wash cloth and soaked it in cold water and shoved it up back there until I was able to laugh about it all. I also remembered that I had donated a ton of my husband's stuff to the local shelter place and the collection of witch hazel went with that load. Hahahahaha. Ugh. Read labels, people - I can't stress enough the importance of reading a label before applying... (Giggle - I guess this counts as 'hindsight', huh?)

August 5, 2022 - Friday night. I just painted a few more of my husband's stones. I have yet to clear coat them, but I did buy that stuff. It's been TOO DAMNED HUMID to do anything like that outside. This morning there was a low fog and the air was at 100% humidity. You could taken a glass out there and swooped it through the air and gotten a full glass. I will be happy when the humidity goes away. Ain't nobody has time for humidity...

The week was weird in my head. It didn't feel real. After Vickie went home I just felt ... well, weird. I made up stories and pretended I was in those stories just to carry on, otherwise I felt like I would have been paralyzed and lose my poor mind. Not sure what that was all about, but I feel better now. I am sure it had to do with Norman and his possible ailment. The follow up echo cardiogram showed his heart was good and the blood work came back good. They think it is possible that he could be heading down the path of seizures eventually, but those can be treated with medicine if it gets worse. Sigh. I am just not ready lose any more people or pets I love right this second...

I had given Norman a giant milk bone, but he just barked at it, then barked at me. He is convinced there are better treats (and he's right, but geez). I let him out and he chased a few fire flies and wanted back in to bark more at the milk bone. I just noticed he was missing and he was out in the laundry room going through the treats bags one by one, pulling the bags on the floor. He got a lecture and no more treats. That's not how it works. I told him once he grew some opposable thumbs, THEN we'll talk...

August 13, 2022 - It's raining this morning. A nice, steady rain. My youngest came yesterday to mow my yard and he timed it perfectly. It had been two weeks in between mows due to the humidity and the wetness of the grass and all - it did need it in the worst way. If it had gone any longer we'd have to bale it...

Yesterday morning I felt like crap. I worked for a bit then told my team I was napping. I felt like crap and had to crap every five minutes, I swear. I took a morning nap with Norman and felt much better when I woke up. I was able to finish my business day. Then last night, I had a nice time at the neighbor's house with their friends and us neighbors and ALL THE DOGS. It was kind of impromptu - I had meandered over to have Norman see the new dog that was out there and steal a beer from my neighbor Justin and eventually we all ended up on their deck drinking beer. Unexpected joy. I will take it.

My daughter and son in law are here this weekend for a wedding and I got to see her on Thursday night. She had to work so I went out and weed whacked and did yard stuff so Norman wouldn't bother her inside as she worked. Then she took a nice hot bath and soaked before going back to the in law's house. (They bring there dogs over to the in-laws because their one dog HATES ALL DOGS and get aggressive so they leave them there when they have to do things.) I will see all the kids again tomorrow when we go see the sunflowers at Gull Meadow Farm before my daughter heads back to Chicago. That will be neat.

On Tuesday night I met friends in our little town for the Food Truck Rally and listen to the music. A good local band was playing. I danced. I can't dance, per say, but I do get up and move. How can one NOT move to music?? This perplexes me. Some little kids danced with me and I got one of my high school friend's wife to dance and a new friend I met danced, but that was it. Oh well, fat old women shaking their grove thing is OK by me. If the music moves you - DANCE. I am sure I made many people laugh at my fat self out there but it was just fun.

I did clear coat three of the painted rocks I've done on my husband's stones yesterday afternoon as a test. I like how they look! I will clear coat all of them now. I have three more of my husband's rocks to paint and I'll be out. The rest of the rocks went to my kids and his sisters and to his brother and best friend. I am addicted to painting again and will most likely just move on to common rocks after this. I have only used the new paint pens I got a little - for the finer work, as I am just happy to use a brush on the rest. Like everything I do, I do it with gusto and end up with paint all over me as well (and occasionally on Norman when he tries to help me paint). My Mom and Dad always used to say, "Sandy, you're so Whammy Bammy!!" I was and still am to a degree. I envision myself as Pig Pen from Peanuts - a cloud of life flying all over when I move through the area. Smile.

August 14, 2022 - After getting cocky about feeling better from Friday's poop-a-rama festival, I had issues yesterday afternoon as well. Maybe because I've been eating a lot of veggies. There is fresh veggie stand down the road and I pop in there and get stuff a lot. I had a yummy tomato and swiss cheese sandwich for lunch yesterday. Fresh tomatoes are the best. I got some ears of corn for supper tonight. The kids are headed over here to pick me up to go see sunflowers. That will be nice.

I finished my husband's stones last night. The cat knocked two down on the floor while they were still wet. I had to repaint and start over. Norman knocked another one off as well. Sigh. I suppose I should move to the kitchen table to paint going forward. At least it would be higher up so the art critics that are my pets can't reach as easily. I just have to clear coat them. I think I will bet a nice glass bowl to display them in...

August 18, 2022 - It always makes me laugh when Norman sees the garbage truck pick up the garbage and he looks at the truck then looks at me like, "Do you SEE THIS? Are you going to do anything about this?!!?!?" I went to the next town over Food Truck Rally last night. That was fun again. Same band as last week. I enjoy that band. I had several friends there as well. Leaving Norman alone at night gives me some angst, but I seem to get over it.

I had my blood work done for my quarterly sugar review and my numbers looked good. I had a fit because I read one of the results as 'should be less than" but it was actually a 'greater than' sign - hahahaha. Sometimes I'm not that bright. I see my doctor Monday. Over all my blood work was damned good.

The sunflowers were just amazing on Sunday - so many different kinds. I love the fuzzy ones that my daughter called my 'Ewok' Flowers. The lanes between the flowers in the field were a death trap as it was misting rain, but I was very careful. Only almost died just once. It was the last day of the Sunflower Days and I think we could have walked out of there with a million flowers and no one would have stopped us. I brought home a bucket of sunflowers and it was a fun time with my kids.

I wanted to stay up to see if I could see any 'Northern lights' but I was not able to make it past 11 p.m. Old age - go figure. Plus they are never visible here most of the time, anyway.

August 20, 2022 - Today is Saturday. Norman and I slept in until 10:30 a.m.!! UNREAL AND UNHEARD OF but I will take it as a treat. The boys were over last night and mowed and entertained me. I do so enjoy the boys when they visit. My oldest said, "Remember, Mom - you don't have to feed us or have chores for us - we can just VISIT YOU!!" Hahaha. I love my damned kids. Their sense of humor and overall perspective on life amazes me. I would like to pat myself on the back on that fact - but really, it is us as individuals that chooses who/how/when and why in our lives. Having a kick ass Mom might help - but we all determine how we approach life and I love how all of they have seized their days.

I decided last night after the boys left it was going to be deemed "Sandy Care Weekend" so I soaked in a mildly warm tub of water and then trimmed up my toe nails. I get ingrown nails on my big toes so I hacked away at those. My dear friend Linda got me a gift card for having a pedicure but I've not used it yet. I don't do nail polish, but I could use a professional to tame my callouses. I have my quarterly sugar review with my doctor on Monday and he always checks my feet and he will laugh loud when he sees the stellar job of toe nail hacking I've done. (Seriously - it looks like my feet were caught in a combine. Sandy should not be allowed to use sharp objects.)

I have so much I COULD do this weekend but the will I? Most likely NO. It is, after all, MY weekend deemed by ME so ME doesn't have to do squat if ME doesn't want to, right? I will, of course, do some things. Usually my rule is "if you walk in to a room, do one thing in that room that needs doing" so stuff will get done, but I comfort myself this weekend knowing I don't HAVE to do it! I did get some things that were bugging me done while my oldest was 'babysitting' Norm last night. I changed the house water filter and we changed the couch cover and a few other things. So technically, I was sort of productive.

I was out in the dog pen swatting flies. (Which makes me laugh because my Dad would sit on the back porch killing flies with gusto, piling them up and keeping count of the dead. Seemed to be a form of therapy for him...) Lots of flies this year, but I digress...I was waiting to see another fly over of the B17 Yankee Lady. I got to see her earlier when I was watering my neighbor's flowers. She is in Kalamazoo this weekend at the local Air Zoo. Big Plane. Very cool. The pic is from the video on their web site when she landed today.

August 25, 2022 - My Sandy Care Weekend failed miserably because I decided there was to much to do to be lazy. I cleaned the bugs out of my light fixtures. I washed all the bedding. I swept. (I've yet to dust - I hate dusting with a passion and wish space would stop dumping all its crap in my house...) We had a storm last Friday night and a big limb fell off one of the old maples out front. I have been staring at that dead limb for a long time, suggesting to my husband "You're out there as energy - can you tap that thing down?" Well, it finally fell. It broke in to two big pieces. I went out and moved it back to the burn pile although it was so heavy it took me a while to wrestle the pieces into the trailer on the lawn mower, but by golly I got it. I stared longingly at my young neighbor's house, willing him to come out and see me struggling. Hahahaha. He did not. I managed. After that I was grateful I had a chiropractor visit scheduled already for Tuesday. My, the noises my neck made!!

I had my quarterly sugar check up on Monday. The doc was pleased with my blood work plus my A1C. I had my annual 3D mammogram and that was all good. I went to the chiropractor (which was a blessing after limb wrestling). On the 1st I go to the cancer center for that yearly check up. I am thankful for insurance and FSA cards...

When I got home and let Norman out the other day, I swear I heard several people colluding loudly behind the trees out back in my neighbor's yard. I walked back there. It wasn't humans, it was crows!! I laughed loudly which made them fly off. There were five huge ones out there just talking away. I'm sure it was very important. I've always had a herd of crows that hang out in this specific area. They have been a group for years. (I consider them 'mine' even though I'm sure they'd just as soon poop on my head than admit they are 'mine'...) ((And I know the proper term is a 'murder' of crows, but saying a 'herd' of crows makes me smile)) I think I blogged years ago about thinking I heard the other neighbors having sex in their back yard or someone was moaning due to getting hurt - but that turned out to be crows, too.

I have run out of my husband's rocks to paint, so I put a plea out on Facebook asking friends to save me any smooth rocks they may find on walks or on the beach. I have come to find the process of painting rocks fun and very relaxing. Actually, painting anything would be fun and relaxing. I suppose I don't have to limit myself to rocks...

I just got in from playing Chuck It with Norman and managed to lob two balls in directions he was not anticipating and now I can't find said balls. Ugh. They are orange! How hard should it be to find them!?!?! Come on! I have warned my youngest that when he mows he needs to be on the look out.

September 8, 2022 - Oh, my - I've hardly blogged lately. I have a new addiction that has been keeping me busy! PAINTING ROCKS! Since I did my husband's stone remains, I've been hot and heavy on doing painting on any rock I can get my hands on!! My friends Lisa and Sheri brought me a bunch, and I ran out yesterday. I was beside myself. I eyed up Norman - wondering if I could paint him... My friend Linda was collecting rocks for me up North, and I sent her a text begging for rocks. I would assume it would be similar to a text a drug addict would send to a dealer..."You got rocks, man? I need some rock...I'm dyin' over here, Linda..." She did bring my rocks today. Friday my friend Grace and her son and I will go put them throughout the downtown area of my village. (I don't own the village mind you - not sure whey I'm saying it's "MINE.) The fun will begin. Now, when I paint, it will be for fun and once I get a bunch, I'll either hide them again or force people to buy them.

Let's see, what has happened in my life since my last post? Oh, yeah - my Mammogram was good, my Cancer Center recheck was good - my blood work was good. All has been good lately. One less thing, ya know? Oh sure, I'm gonna keel over from something sooner or later, but for now I'm OK.

I posted this on Facebook this morning when it came to my mind: "Early Morning pondering while drinking coffee...The earth rotates at about 1,000 miles per hour - and the speed of our rotation around the Sun at about 67,000 miles per hour ... this is amazing. Just saying... all that motion and we don't feel it one bit! However, I can trip over a mole mound while chasing after Norman who is running off with the drool towel and I can actually feel that... I can practically put my hip out during the night from stepping on squeak toy landmine Norman left in my path and I can feel that... I will just blame my physical ineptitude on Earth's rotation and not the fact that Norman thinks he's the beneficiary of my life insurance..." I had this thought while out in the dog pen looking at stars. The 'winter' stars are starting to show up (my favorites) and I was amazed that it looks like they are just hanging out there in the dark sky when in fact we Earth is a speed demon on acid.

My sister in law came to see me and that was fun. My nieces came last Sunday and we had a hoot. It's good to be with family. My boys were over on Saturday night to mow and visit. They brought me dinner. My neighbors Sue and Ron went with me to see a performer I like at a local place. I've been a social butterfly, I tells ya. No doubt each time I was seen by the general public I was covered in acrylic paint because when I paint I paint with gusto, but still...

September 15, 2022 - What week. Boy howdy. One more day to go....

Today would have been my husband's 64th birthday, so in celebration I just went and got myself two chili cheese dogs. Why? I have no clue other than that is what sounded good. When my BFF came up we wanted chili cheese dogs at our favorite diner but the diner had a fire so that was out of the dining picture.

My dear friend Reva and her husband stopped in today for a bit. I adore that woman. I love them both. It was a short visit due to me working, but I still got to hug on her and bask in her glory for a bit. I met her years ago. She worked at our Texas plant and I met her when I went down there to train people on our system. I walked into the plant in a dress and panty hose and no doubt sweating to death from the heat, and the first words out her mouth were "We don't wear panty hose 'round here in this heat..." and I think I screamed "THANK GOD" and stripped them off right there. We've been dear friends ever since. Norman shoved soggy toys in their faces and stepped on their feet. He approved of them. He brought out many of his toys to share with them.

I had scheduled a vacation day for today and tomorrow so I could hang out with Reva but that was not in the cards. We've had many at my plant come down with covid so a lot of people are off sick so I cancelled my days. The others are trying to cover all that those people normally do. It's been (to say the least) stressful and interesting. (Many swear words have been used.) The two shipping guys are both sick and so was their direct boss, so the next manager up had to step up and take over shipping. She got help from whoever could that had a fork lift license and was young enough to still be physical and I helped as much as I could with instructions, labels, comfort, production reporting, labels, etc. I have the benefit of once being a shipping and receiving supervisor, so I tried like heck to get her through some things. Yes, mistakes were made. Yes, no doubt we've screwed up. There are so many customers with so many 'rules' on how to ship their stuff that it is easy to mess up in you are not versed in the process. We've all done the best we could, however. I think now they will realize that shipping at our plant is at least a three person job (not two) and I wouldn't doubt it a bit if she realizes those boys need a raise. I stopped and got her a six pack of her favorite beer to bring to her tomorrow. She's gonna need it...

I have been painting as much as I can. I love it so much. I wonder why I didn't paint all these years? I had to wait for my husband to pass, get turned in to rock, and paint him to unleash the painting beast inside of me. I have my last wave for the rock hunt in town, then it's all me. I can do what I want and I'll either keep them or sell them or just PAINT and not care what happens to the rocks when I'm done. Some of my own rocks amaze how cute they are. I started a Facebook page for my village for people to post the rocks they found, and one person with a lot of time on their hands found 35 of them and posted a pic of all of them and I kindly asked her to re-hide them, or at least some. Don't hoard the rocks, woman!! Oh well. Maybe it brought her joy. After all, they are just rocks.

The flies have been terrible with the blood lust upon them lately. Vampire Flies! They BITE. I have taken much joy in swatting as many as I can and most are full of blood already from some other victim. The pileated woodpeckers have been numerous and loud. (To me their calls sound like hyperactive monkeys.) Plus they've been hammering like crazy on trees around here and it sounds like someone has an automatic machine gun. (Then I thought that nowadays, it could BE an automatic machine gun with all the violence in the world...which made me sad.) I took down the humming bird feeder today as I do every year on 9/15. I put it up on April 15th, and take 'em down on September 15th.

I get my flu shot and the new bivalent covid shot next Wednesday. I hope I don't react. The time I had my flu show with my last shingles shot, I got so sick. Cross yer fingers. I wonder how many other 'cures' they have already that they don't release since they came out with the covid shots so fast. I am convinced they have already found cures for most major diseases but making them available to the general populace would cause world wide financial devastation. (Although I think by the looks of my 401K, financial devastation is already upon us...)

I suppose I will go do house chores that I've put off. I will reward myself after doing them by plopping out a few more rock masterpieces! hahahaha.

September 21, 2022 - Norman is out there eating his food with gusto. No doubt he was starving. Yesterday was a bad day for the boy. He only ate once (normally he eats three times a day). Ugh. I've raised a wimp dog and I'm not proud of it... Norm and I were outside when it started to thunder yesterday. At first he just looked around as if he was trying to figure out where the sound was coming from, then he looked up to the west and saw the dark clouds and immediately started shaking badly and ran for the back door. He hates thunder boomers. I tried to stay out with him to let him know we would be OK even with boom booms going on, but the dude was just vibrating like crazy so I let him in. Sigh.

He refused to go out into the dog pen to potty the rest of the day. Seriously. Even when it became sunny he wouldn't go out. He would go out the front door with me when I took out garbage and recycling, but he wanted right back in. During the storm he stayed in his crate as he vibrated. I intentionally didn't pay any attention to him (since I was working and all) but in the back of my mind I decided I have the most emotionally fragile Great Dane in the whole world. I'm a bad dog Mom. At least I got to sleep all night straight through since he was NOT going to ask to go potty during the night. I hope by this morning he's forgotten his fears.

I was NOT going to decorate inside the house for Halloween/Fall but when discussing this with my sons the youngest said, "You don't have to do it if you don't want, but we like seeing it when we come over..." and my BFF said, "You should decorate because YOU enjoy the decorations being up..." So Sunday I did - I took down all the regular knick knacks and cleaned them and packed them away for a few months. Out came Halloween/Fall stuff. Norman helped by eating the newspaper the decorations were wrapped in and getting in my way and running off with some of my scarecow people. After I was done I thought, "Yep, I do like it better this way..." Call me Miss Festive.

Tonight I get my bivalent booster and flu shot. I hope I don't react to either. Wish me luck.

September 25, 2022 - It has been a 'fun' last several days. I got my bivalent booster and my flu shot on Wednesday night. Thursday I didn't feel sick per say, but I felt 'heavy' and my knees hurt. I was also VERY HYPER. Friday was worse...I was wound up like a top. I felt like I should tie a rope to me so I wouldn't fly off the Earth. My friend Linda was in the plant on Friday for a fellow co-worker's retirement and she stopped by my office afterwards. I was so happy to see her and I DIDN'T SHUT UP. For a solid ten minutes I spastically yapped at her until I noticed a form of an Elvis lip starting on her face. I couldn't help it - I was so wired. So happy. So - HYPER. I texted her later to apologize, and she just said that was just my bubbling personality. I do have a bubbling personality - but Thursday and Friday I was wired for flight. On the way home from work I got a six pack of beer. I had hoped having a beer would bring me down a notch. It did. Thank goodness. Sigh. I looked for side effects of the new booster and side effects of this year's flu shot. Neither one listed "Hyperactivity in older overweight women" as a side effect. I am still going to tell my doctor about it in case he runs into this in his day to day practice. I am not a fan of that level of spastic mental hyperactivity.

I had breakfast with my boys this morning at a place up by them. They live about 25 minutes away. I call the place "The Screaming Chicken" because I can never remember the real name (which is The Rooster's Call). I adore seeing my boys and having breakfast with them. They treat me like a friend and we laugh and I just adore it. NEXT WEEKEND WE WILL HAVE BREAKFAST AT MY DINER AS THEY ARE OPENING UP AGAIN THIS WEEK!! YAY! I was telling my boys that I can't wait to have a waffle again, and my oldest said, "...As we know normal humans can't make waffles at home, after all..." and I laughed. Nothing could be better than the waffle at my diner in the mooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrning.... I hope they have pumpkin waffles!!

I have been painting tons of rocks for hiding my village but I am done with that. My mail lady has been hiding some for me, too, bless her heart. I've started working on painting 'requests' from family and friends. Once those are done - it's all me. I have paint everywhere on my desk - the keyboard and the screen and ME and the mouse. I am a messy painter. When Sandy paints, it is best to stay at a safe distance from her....just sayin....

A large tree limb fell during the storm last Monday and I'm waiting to hear back from my "tree guy" to come give me an estimate. Norman was terrified by a grocery bag blowing down the road and he's barked at said bag for 10 minutes and he barks at the neighbors if they park in a different place, but he didn't even flinch about that tree down in the back. He juts peed on it. I wonder if he hadn't been secretly wishing it would fall so he COULD pee on it. Norman confuses me sometimes - well, not sometimes - constantly.

Norman woke me up this morning by jumping on my upper body parts trying to get to the cat in the window. The cat had gotten up there to scratch at the wood to alert me to the fact he was starving. Norman jumped on my upper right are (leaving a scratch) and knocked the air out of me by landing on my chest as well. Yes, I sweared loudly. I smacked him hard but Norman is 130 pounds and smacking the boy I am sure, in his mind, is a love pat. Sigh. I got up to tend to my wounds.

Yesterday when my youngest son was over to mow, I told him I wanted him to help me turn the valve on the drain field the other way. Seems like the septic dudes who installed it said to do it every year but I know for a fact it has not been done in YEARS. I grabbed the tool to switch it with and had my son take the top off the pipe. I looked down there with a flash light. It was packed with dirt. "Ugh" was uttered. I went and got the shop vacuum and we loosened the dirt, sucked it out and repeated that process for 15 minutes. Still no directional valve showed. I told he to just forget it - I would call for a professional on Monday. I went in the house and texted my younger neighbor who does construction and vented about 'my luck' and the like and he said he would come check it today. "Don't call for the septic people - they will charge a lot of money. It's just dirt in the pipe - happens all the time - you just need a shop vac..." he texted back. I sat there thinking to myself. "Maybe I gave up too soon..." so I went back out and sucked out about another inch of dirt and TA DAH! There as the valve top! I showed my son so he knew what I was looking for (since he wasn't sure WHAT we WERE looking for in the first place). I switched the direction and I felt so happy. When you've had a man in your life for 42 years that did all the 'dirty' work - it is easy to panic when things go wrong. Texting my neighbor and venting and his response calmed me down enough to go back and try. I am glad I did.

I took down the spring/summer yard decorations and took the little things out of my fairy gardens. I washed those all up and put them away. I put out some fall decorations. I cleaned up my 'she shed' a bit. Several of my fairy garden displays used translucent blue/clear glass 'stones' as 'water' and I had them all in an old colander and washed them with the hose then took them into the shed. I immediately dropped said container and they flew all over. I took a deep breath and picked them all up again. As I closed the shed, the card table I have in there tipped over and flipped that container over AGAIN. Double sigh. I picked them up again, all the while muttering to myself about lessons learned and the like.

October 1, 2022 - Fall has come in like a lion (if in fact a lion is starting to change leaf color and is a bit brisk out...) It has inspired me to make beef and noodles earlier this week and right now I'm simmering white chicken chili. I've got an idea for making a spicy batch of cornbread, too. Thank goodness I have a younger male neighbor who gladly eats my overflow of foods! My boys, too, get bunches to take home. I just don't know how to cut a pot full of something down to making a single serving of said pot. It's not possible. Hahaha.

I couldn't even TASTE the beef and noodles when I made them. Ugh. I miss having taste and smell full time. Mind you, I ate it and tried hard as I ate to remember the flavor of beef and noodles. Today, I can taste the broth from the chili, which is good. It all happened after radiation was over for my breast cancer. That was no where near my nose and mouth, so I'm not sure why I can taste all the time. I was very sick in January, and I honestly wondered if it wasn't covid - so maybe that didn't help. I am still very happy to be alive and fortunate to have good friends and family, so I will stop bitching. I had dinner with a good friend last night and I could taste my steak and shrimp and garlic mashed potatoes, so that was awesome!

Speaking of smelling things - this week I had several people come see me during the week. There was a man who came to check the furnace before I lit it up. I kept thinking, "Damn, he smells good!" I would have mentioned that to him but I thought he would think an old widow woman was hitting on him, so I didn't. After he left I was feeding Norman and when I bent down to put the food bowl down, a gush of air pushed out of my shirt and IT WAS ME THAT SMELLED LIKE THAT! I SMELLED GOOD! This made me laugh with gusto.

My old desk here shows the fact I've been painting like crazy. Even my monitor has splats of paint on it...my keyboards...my mouse...ME. I have enjoyed painting rocks so much.

October 7, 2022 - A quick entry because I'm not good about updating lately, so I will force myself this morning. Norman got me up at 4:45 and when I went to the back door to let him out, he went back to bed. Norman is a turd head.

My friend Linda stopped by yesterday to bring my a birthday card and a present since she headed out of town for the weekend. She said it was a Birthday Cake cocoa bomb. (Me, being ME assumed it was a cocoa BATH bomb.) The rest of the day when I walked into the kitchen (where I set the bomb until I was going to use it) I would think for a split second 'OH, CAKE!' because it really looked like a cupcake then remember it wasn't edible. Hahahaha. Obviously cake has a special meaning to me or something. I was telling my daughter about the bomb, and how I kept thinking it was cake and we had a good laugh. I told Linda about this while I'm filling the tub up to use said bomb. "It's a COCOA BOMB! YOU DRINK IT!" was her response. Laughter ensued. Oh my. What a mess that would have made in the tub, huh? One present gave me a day full of laughter. Thank you Linda.

October 8, 2022 - My desk is a disaster. It is an old desk so it looks crappy anyway, but now it is cluttered with painted rocks in various stages of 'done-ness' and blobs of paint all over. The screen and mouse and keyboard is dotted with paint. (Actually, looks kind of cool.) At this point in my life, I don't care that it is messy. I am doing something I want to do. I drank out of the milk carton, too, after years of telling my husband and kids not to...I'm turning into a rebel old woman...

The birds are starting to herd and I love watching them. I always ALWAYS look up to see them fly over which is probably stupid since if one of the pooped at just the right time I am going to be covered in birdie doo-doo. I don't care...I love my birds...

I made chicken noodle soup last night and ate a bowl at eight p.m. (I had the idea to make it about 5 p.m.) I think it's pretty good. My taste ability comes and goes so I am going to assume it's tasty. My boys will be here this morning to pick up a batch for themselves after we go out for breakfast. I have a memorial service to go to this morning as well for one of my dear friend's Mom.

Norman has phases where he won't eat breakfast until lunch time, so it throws off his feeding schedule. He gets 'hangry' when he's hungry so I am not a fan of this. Other days he eats right on schedule - breakfast, lunch, and supper and will come up to me and demand I feed him. KIDS - go figure. I know he won't starve because if he is hungry HE WILL EAT as the vet said. I just wish he wasn't so damned moody and unpredictable.

My BFF sent me new clothes for my Birthday that I'm going to give a spin tomorrow. Such pretty shirts.

October 9, 2022 - It was a good Birthday weekend. I don't feel a day over 62. Smile.

Saturday my oldest took me to breakfast with my youngest son. We went to my favorite diner. They made me a pumpkin waffle and it was so yummy. The boys came over for a bit afterwards to play with their little brother (Norman) and I kicked them out since I had a memorial service to go to. That was a touching service. The church was just packed. You could feel the love there.

Today my sister in law and her husband, both whom I adore, took me to breakfast again. They got me the cutest card that was all furry and sang to me. (I played it for Norman when I got home and he was so excited about it he knocked everything off the kitchen table trying to get to it. I did kind of know that was going to happen but I did it anyway. It's like a scab - your aren't supposed to pick a scab, but we always end up picking the scab...) They also brought me a apple caramel cookie from CRUMBL cookies - oh my! I had that for dessert tonight. SCRUMPTIOUS. I ordered oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar and they brought it out with candles burning in it. We all got a good laugh because the bottoms of the candles melted in the oatmeal. (Still laughing....) I scooped out the blue melted wax. No wax could stop me from eating.

After breakfast I went to get gas and I got my car washed and I went to the store to get myself a new Birthday comforter for my bed. (I did this because Saturday night, Norman was full of piss and vinegar and was hyper from seeing the boys and I think he was still hungry, too. His eating schedule has been off. He normally goes to bed at 8 p.m. and goes right to sleep and I get an hour of quiet time before I go to bed, but he was up and down and shoving toys into my face and I finally yelled at him to go to bed. He went in and was quiet for a bit. He came out - looked at me - ran back in the bedroom. He did this several times before I finally figured out he was trying to tell me something. He had peed on the bed!! I knew something was wrong. I packed towels all around the wet spot and just went to bed. I wasn't going to change the bedding so late at night. Sunday morning I was not going to go to the laundromat, either, so buying a new comforter was the answer and now I have a back up once I get the other one washed.) I am sure the peeing on the bed was a freak occurrence and I'm sure he doesn't have diabetes. He just either peed because he was so mad at me or, like myself, he realized he had to pee and there was just no waiting. Dude - I sympathize with you there!!

My neighbors got me a fifty dollar gift card to Pinspiration. (A place where you can do any type of art your heart desires.) That was very sweet and I can't wait to redeem it! My daughter and soninlaw left a song on my answering machine - Pat was playing the piano and they say Happy Birthday to me. Adorable. My BFF called me, and my sister in law Carol called, too. My dear friend Lisa must have left a message on my cell phone - I just saw that. My youngest niece came over with her dog to play with Norman and she brought me some fall scented candles. I got many cool cards. I am blessed! It was a good weekend.

October 15, 2022 - The week seemed to go fast at work, plus it is definitely feeling like fall. Tonight is a celebration for my village in town. It is 150 years old. This morning I ran in to wash a comforter Norm peed on, and while it was in the washer at the laundromat, I went down the main street putting out rocks I had painted in honor of the occasion. There were two policemen putting up orange cones to block the street for tonight and I told them, "You two - turn your heads and pretend you don't see me hiding rocks..." I was not arrested.

Last night I made banana bread for my neighbor (who helps us 'old people' out a lot) but also because I had three very ripe bananas that I just couldn't throw away. It think it is a universal law that you don't let ripe bananas go to waste and you MUST make bread from them. Just upholding the law. I went to use my mixer (which I have not used in a long long time and had to clean the dust off before using) and I couldn't figure out why it didn't work. Guess what? YOU HAVE TO PLUG THOSE THINGS IN FIRST! Duh on my part...

I am still not sure how I should be feeling after my husband's passing...I feel OK, I mean - but shouldn't I be devastated? Forty two years is a long time to be in a marriage. I don't feel like curling up and dying myself...I feel 'OK' actually. I think it is because I went right from being a teenager to a Mom and taking care of a husband and kids and working full time right away - I never had time for myself. I now have that - and I am enjoying it. It was a shitty way to get it, mind you - but I have been enjoying it. People come over (my husband was NOT social and did not like visitors) and I can go places (and not worry about leaving him home alone and grumpy). I can paint my rocks and write in my blog and read my books and entertain the ever needy Norman all I want. I can watch the shows I want IF I want. (Which I normally do not watch since having the TV off now is a wonderful things - it was always on and droning in the background.) Today is just one of those days I think I'm not grieving proper like for a man that put up with me for 42 years...(maybe he's enjoying time away from me, too.)

Norman has been overly needy lately - but I've been doing good dealing with it, I think. He follows me around EVERYWHERE. I know it is because the sky has had dark clouds (as it tends to do in fall) and there are people out testing out their firearms for deer season (and he hates that sound) so he has been clingy. There are times I have to sternly tell him to GO LAY DOWN and chill. At night I have to drag him out by his collar to go pee because I really don't want to wash the comforters again any time soon...

October 17, 2022 - After typing up the entry from the 15th, I sort of had a self therapy moment and figured out I was feeling guilty for not grieving hard. Sigh. I feel bad that I don't feel as bad as I probably should. Being human - go figure...

It is raining and earlier this morning it was spitting snow. Welcome to Fall - BAM! The trees are beautiful and on Sunday, coming home from breakfast with the boys, there was a hot air balloon over a line of trees and it was majestic. I didn't get a good pic of the colors, though - although my son did.

My car is in the shop right now getting a recall repair on the front brakes. I also asked them to check the back brakes because using the breaks when I back up sound like I'm running over an orca whale. When I dropped the car off and we reviewed what needed doing, they said that they built the newer vehicles with stronger back breaks made of more heavy duty materials so most of the newer vehicles sound like that now. Oh goodie. I've not heard this in any of the cars in any parking lot EXCEPT ME. Seems like there would be a whole parking lot of cars backing up and making whale calls...but what do I know?

October 22, 2022 - It has been a week, boy howdy. We've had frost and it spit snow earlier in the week. We had high winds. Now it's almost perfect out and it had to be at least 70 degrees out today with nothing but sun. Michigan's weather is off it's meds...

Had a head cold kind of thing happening Tuesday through Friday. I don't do well with headaches. I don't know how people who suffer from migraines and headaches often do it. I do feel much better now except for my ears. I did a covid test and it was negative. (When I swabbed my left nostril it tickled so badly that I sneezed uncontrollably. Which was kind of funny, and since I was violently sneezing, I was peeing, too. Good times...

Early in the week I was thunding a frozen block of chicken on the sink to break it up and the bottom of the right sink part fell through. Seriously - plop. I stared at it dumbfounded for a minute or two. Apparently it was a ceramic sink and it could take no more of my physical violence. When I told the kids about it, I told them to call me Momma Thor from now on. My BFF and my kids said, "Geez, you could defrost it in the microwave or wait til it thaws, after all... My first instinct was to text my youngest son who flips houses. He was way to busy to drop everything and come running to save me. He said he would call after work. Then I texted my younger neighbor who does construction work. I knew he wasn't working this week. He came right over. I knew what size sink I needed, and when he was here he confirmed my choice. He said 'go get it' and he would install it. I was thrilled. I told work I was leaving to get the sink and scooted up to Home Depot, picked up the sink I ordered on line, and scooted home and let my neighbor know. He installed the new stainless steel (most likely best choice to stand up to Sandy's Thorish habits) and it looked so pretty. Once he had everything hooked back up, I cleaned up and put a fan under the sink to dry the cement that had gotten wet.

The water pressure SUCKED. There was barely any. I panicked. I tested everything out then - the hoses worked fine outside and the gauge would jump up indicating the tank/pump was doing what they are paid to do. The washer worked just fine. The kitchen sink - no. The bathroom sink - no. The tub/shower was fine. The dishwasher didn't take in any water, either. I figured that the on/off valves under the sink were shitty and I told my neighbor about it. He came over today and checked the aerator in the bathroom faucet and told me that lots of time when you shut off water or move pipes around, you get tons of sediment that travels through and sure enough - that thing was packed with goop. It now works fine. I held the dishwasher up while he took that connection off and it was PACKED SO TIGHT AND WAS SHAPED LIKE A NICKEL!! Once he took that out it was fine. This did not work for the kitchen sink faucet. We decided I need a new kitchen sink faucet. I had Home Depot deliver it and when it came, back came my poor neighbor and installed it. TA DAH! Magic.

I had spent several days lamenting my situation, thinking of the cost of having the house's pipes redone. I was sad. (I had also not taken a shower for several days because I assumed since the kitchen wasn't working that wouldn't either, but I couldn't stand myself another hour and decided even if I had to take a sponge bath I was going to do it - but it turned out that worked OK. Phew!) I had also been depressed all week over work. I have felt like I kind of don't want to work anymore. I am sad because we are not going forward to a more modern system faster, but I also know we don't have the man power to implement a new system. In 1994 I worked 15 hours a day to get the one we have not going. I didn't mind it - I was younger and more positive. Now, not so much. I'm 62 - five year ago I could have handled it if they had let us continue with the software we had chosen then, but the parent company said NO. Ugh. I honestly feel all used up.

I love what I do mind you - I love the company I work for, too. I've been there 42 years, after all, but there comes a time when one just says - UGH, I CAN'T ANYMORE. I will, of course. I do so enjoy the paycheck and the insurance and the people. I love learning. Just the last few weeks I've been in a rut about things there and the water/sink incident just made me feel worse. I whined to my dear friend in New York about all of it and then my cousin. I was so damned whiny. After emailing those letters, I had to stop and think. DUH, SANDY - DO SOMETHING. I had not cleaned all week and nothing was taken care of - I decided to get off my fat butt and do stuff today. I swept the floor. I changed my sheets. I pulled all the morning glory vines off the fence (and boy howdy there were tons of them). I caught up on laundry. My youngest came over to mow/mulch up the first falling of leaves. I got out the Solo stove and burned the papers that had been building up. (My burn pile is full of the tree that fell a month or so ago, and I didn't want to start that whole thing on fire to burn papers.) I did a bunch of little things. I must admit, I do feel better tonight.

Why do humans do that? Get overwhelmed with things they can't control and all and feel like giving up?? You can give it to God, of course, but it's still there and it still bothers you. I've come to the conclusion that humans are idiots, or at least I am.

I took Norman to the vet this week to get sedated and get his nails cut way back. He won't let me touch his nails, and the lady who was doing them in town was having more and more issues controlling him. When we got back home, he was still loopy and he stood outside like he was peeing or needing to - but nothing was coming out. It wasn't until he walked in the house that it all came out. Hahahaha. I feel for the boy. Drunk peeing. Been there, done that.

November 2, 2022 - Yesterday early morning I head a loud 'thud' outside. It was a sound you just instinctively know is a car hitting a deer. (I've never hit a deer - knock on wood - but I just knew...must be in the genes for this part of Michigan. I bet people all over have that inner knowledge - like in the Upper Peninsula they probably hear a 'thud' and say, "Yep, someone hit a moose" or in Florida they hear a 'thud' and say, "Yep, someone hit a giant cockroach...") I went out to look and a man was walking back from wherever he parked and was looking in the corn field, shaking his head. Then he got on the phone and walked back to his truck. About an hour later, another person came and got out of the truck with either a chain saw or saw. My neighbor said that he went by and the one guy was cutting off the antlers - it was a six point buck.

It is that time of year. Deer are everywhere. Norman spent half the night last night barking loudly and angry because I'm sure he heard deer outside. (If it was not deer, then it was a trespasser and with Norman barking like an rabid idiot, I would have just kept walking if I were said trespasser...)

Monday night/Tuesday morning I had such a bad headache I couldn't sleep. I took Alka Seltzer Cold plus to help, but it did not touch it. I do not do well with headaches. I barely get headaches. How people do it with migraines a lot, I have no clue. I can barely function with a terrible headache. Finally I took a Motrin and got some relief. It was bad enough that I wanted to puke all morning. Today it is better between Motrin and ice. Where the pain is located makes me think it is probably a pinched nerve in my upper back or neck. I see the chiro on the 9th and have been stretching to help work it out. Tonight I may soak in a hot tub, but mainly it's been ice to the rescue.

The weekend was fun. Thursday night my daughter and son in law came in from Chicago. It was our annual Birthday Bonfire Bonanza weekend. Since all of our birthdays are either in September or October (except for the youngest who is the odd man out in January) we celebrate all at once for everyone. Friday night they brought me pizza for supper. Saturday my great nephew came down to spend the night with us and attend the bonfire. (His birthday is the 30th). Saturday we had the bonfire and made a toast to my husband (as the kids said - 'pour one out for dad'). They brought a bottle of vodka which was my husband's preferred drink and we all had a sip. I couldn't drink much Saturday - it just wasn't going down...ick. I wanted food, and if I eat I can't drink at my age. It's either one of the other. THERE WAS SO MUCH SUGAR IN THE HOUSE, TOO. Ugh. My sugar level on Sunday morning was off the charts!! I've never tested so high as I did Sunday morning!! When my niece brought my nephew she brought us a dozen Crumbl cookies which are the size of a cottage, I swear. So there were cookies, cake, cupcakes - more cupcakes, and then MORE cupcakes. Sigh. I made cheese dip and homemade salsa and spinach dip. I am glad the carnage is over, hahahaha. As good as it all was, I am happy to be done with the binging on house sized cookies. (But damn if they were not so so good...)

I am not sure if the headache was an indirect result of the sugar frenzy or not? I have been drinking lots of water in case I'm dehydrated for some reason, too. I did a covid test yesterday afternoon since friends who have had covid said that the headache was the worst (besides the incessant coughing). I tested again this morning. Both were negative.

November 5, 2022 - I have thoroughly enjoying watching the leaves blow around today. We have very gusty winds (mainly out of the south to north) but then it changes and there are whirlwinds full of leaves and the yard has 'raked itself' like 1000 times today, only to have the leaves all blow back. Sometimes there are tons of leaves way up high. Seriously - it has been very entertaining!! I am a cheap date.

I had breakfast with my boys this morning. I do so enjoy that. They have turned into pretty decent humans. They LIKE spending time with me, too, which is pretty cool. I just ate the other half of my breakfast 'pizza' from our favorite diner for dinner. I wish my daughter and soninlaw lived closer. When the herd is together, it's a blast.

My sister in law wanted rocks for her best friends - a picture of three old ladies together or old gnomes - what ever I wanted to do. The first one I painted was three gray haired gnomes and it turned out so crappy. I sent her a pic to let her know the first try was a failure. I repainted the rock. Finally I found a cute pic of three old ladies in lawn chairs on the beach, and I asked her if I could to a sketch instead of a painting and Mod Podge them on to rocks. I did a 8 x 11 sketch of three ladies, she approved it, so I scanned it and made the picture small enough to paste to rocks. I painted each rock the color of each person's swim suit. I finished them today for her. I don't have an issue doing landscapes with paint on rocks or goofy characters with paint on rocks, but something like this was NOT going to happen without drawing it first with colored pencils and then making copies and reducing the size. Carol was happy.

Norman is mad because it's cloudy and so windy which makes him NOT want to go out, although I've dragged him out so he could pee twice. He thinks it will thunder. I raised a wimp, but we've already confirmed this fact. He wants to run and play, but he's not doing that outside. So far he's eaten a Amazon empty box, tipped over his water holder, and buried a small ball in my chair. He was happy this morning since he got to see the boys. That makes him very happy. He's pretty much acted out since they left...

Knock On Wood, the power has only flickered once. I have soaked in a hot tub, done laundry, and will finish dishes soon. The wind is supposed to be worse tomorrow. We'll see if I remember how to get the generator going if the power goes out. I should have written it all down, but of course I thought, "I'll never forget this!" Of course, I immediately forgot it...

November 6, 2022 - It has been a very relaxing Sunday. I got up at 5:11 a.m. - new improved time. I got on and worked for a two hours. Norm was still sleeping. It was nice having quiet time. I then figured out my new deluxe binoculars my oldest got me for my birthday. It took me a while! I took them out to fine tune them and it was frustrating me. I finally figured it out and shazam! There were sandhill cranes across the field near the tree line and I could see them in such detail I could have counted the feathers. I wanted good binoculars for viewing stars, but now I can spy on Mother Nature, too!

The wind was terrible yesterday and a bit boisterous today. After figuring out my binoculars and getting Norm up, I went to go to the store and when I opened the front door, there was a literal a three foot drift of leaves against the door. I got to use my new Stihl battery powered leaf blower. It is light to hold and it worked well. I was impressed. After I got back from the store, I got the mower out and put the trailer on and went around and picked up the big branches that fell. I hauled the pumpkins the kids brought to behind the burn pile. Hopefully the deer will find them and munch them up. I moved stuff in my she shed to the second most dilapidated metal shed so the riding mower could go in a weather secured shed. I came in and swept the floors and did laundry. I was productive! My sister in law was coming over to pick up her rocks for her friends. We had a lovely visit. After she left, I took Norman out to play. Gertie, the neighbor's golden retriever came over and played tug of war with him with an old stuffed animal. Then they ran. Gertie will get Norman running in circles around the house like a crazed horse on acid and then just walk away and let Norm keep going. When Norm finds her, they are off again. There was a large pile of leaves by the dog pen and she took a huge leap in to that pile with only her eyes and nose sticking out. I wish I had a camera in my eyeball. It was so darned cute.

I have been having long talks with God and the Universe at night when I can't sleep. I have been trying to work out my pettiness and critical self. I try NOT to be that way, really, but it dawned on me I'm just plain awful. Example: the neighbor's to the north installed a glaring light on the front of their house. I kept making comments like "Good Lord, are they trying to summon the mother ship?" or "How is this an alternative to what they did have? (The last six years they've had a security light that just blinked on and off all night long.)" Then it dawned on me the other morning that maybe, JUST MAYBE, they installed that light to light up the field across the road and 1/8 a mile in either way on the road to help prevent another deer death. That deer I heard get hit the other day was right out in front of their house. Plus, what business is it of MINE to even worry about their light? It does not have any bearing on me. I can't see it in the house. What the hell was my problem? Why did I even care?

So I thought back to incidents and mental ponderings over the last year and realized I am doing that more and more. I refuse to become a disgruntled old lady! Oh sure, I see things sometimes and blurt out a comment because it's hilarious and I like to make people laugh, but to actual criticize people and things in my head is not acceptable to me. So I say my prayers and also talk to the Universe in general and try to work this out. (Now, mind you, you can be petty at times with your BFF and dearest friends. It is a way to safely vent about life and all. That is OK to me from time to time, but not when I'm alone in my own head - running around being a bitch - nope - I have to change this behavior.)

November 11, 2022 - I took a vacation day today. (I obviously forgot to inform my bladder of this as it didn't work out for my big plans to 'sleep in' as it were...I did attempt it.) I even denied myself a potty break at 5 a.m. because I WANTED TO SLEEP IN but my bladder threatened to explode all over and as we know, bladders always are the winners...

In the morning I get my vitamins out and put them in a little container to take after I eat my breakfast. The other morning I must have splashed coffee into said little container and when I went to take my vitamins they were a slimy, gooey mess. I stared at them for a while and I thought, "I'm not wasting all those vitamins!" so I got a spoon, scooped the blob out and though I could get that blob down in one swallow of water. I was wrong. It was several swallows of water, a few dry heaves, and a chaser of coffee. ICK. If that ever happens again, I'm just going to waste the vitamins...

On Wednesday I had an early morning appointment at the doctors and as I was leaving my drive way I see a huge dead racoon in the road out front. As I'm waiting to turn out on to the road, a white car steered to hit that poor dead dude and then the truck behind him DID THE SAME THING. It flung the poor dead racoon down further in front of my driveway. I was kind of mad. Geez, no respect for the dead! As soon as I got back from the doctors I got a shovel and went out to move him. I used my best Billy Crystal as Fernando voice and as I pushed him to the other side told him, "Youuuuuuu Loooooook MAHVELOUS for being run over at least three times..." and I meant it - he was still very intact. Now that I ponder it, that buck that was hit in front of the neighbors and now Rocky the dead racoon have not been ravaged by turkey buzzards or crows or any carrion birds. Odd. Seems like they would be all over these 'free meals' as it were, but then again there must be tons of road kill all over this time of year and they can pick and choose.

You can hear the noise from lots of sandhill cranes gathering in fields around here. I love sandhill cranes. (I thought about counting all the times I've said that in my blog over the years, but let's just guess and say it's probably 6,422 times.) I miss them coming up to the house for food, but with the neighbor dogs and Norman that is no longer something they will do. I don't blame them.

Yesterday it was just a stunning day - sunny and warm (almost hot) and today Mother Nature (who did not take her meds or go to therapy) is on the down swing. We should have snow this weekend....and so it begins. Whadya expect from Michigan?

November 13, 2022 - Ah, snow. We have some. A light coating on all the grass. The deer have been going in between houses here like there is some deer convention in the woods on either side of me. So many! Norman is quite upset by this. He barks and runs and barks. (In the pen...I am not quite sure what he'd do if he saw one outside when he's loose - maybe pee himself and run to the house.) I might attempt to burn the burn pile today since the coating of snow would stop it from spreading and starting the block on fire. (I am hoping.)

My youngest son came on Friday afternoon and finished mulching my leaves. Bless his soul. Then he fixed the bathroom sink stopper thingy that had broken and then he helped me change the under the sink filter - I couldn't turn that sob open for anything, and I have powerful upper arms! I think I used too much brute force to tighten it up last time I changed it. He got it but of course I forgot to tell him to shut off the water, so there was a slight flood but all turned out well...

Had breakfast with my boys on Saturday morning and that is always a hoot. If feels good to have adult kids that like to spend time with you. My daughter announced she wants to come for Thanksgiving and that is great! Now, the kids have to decide WHEN they come, since my oldest is a semi driver and most likely won't and very seldom has made it home for Thanksgiving the last 6 years. Hopefully they decide to do it on the weekend after the actual day and then all my chicks can be here. (Insert proud momma chicken scream here whilst beating my chest with pride...)

My younger neighbor cut his fingers on a table saw when I was at work and my other neighbors took him to ER. Yikes. Poor dude. I keep telling him to tell us if he needs anything but he would never do that. He will do for others but never asks for things from us (except a ride to ER) and it makes me sad. I will make potato soup today and take him over a big batch. Again I will ask if there is anything we can do to help him. Again he will say, "No" and I will say "Ugh, come on, Dude, let us help!" and he'll say, "No, I'm fine..." - rinse/repeat...

In the last week I've found two rocks right outside my car door after leaving the store. Once was in my town, and when I came back to get in there was a rock right by my door. I picked up the first one. Not a pretty rock - full of pock marks. I finally decided if the rock came to me it wanted to be painted so I threw it in my passenger side seat. Several days later there was another rock outside my door at a store and once again I stared at it and wondered what I could do with it and just threw it in with the first one. They are now on my desk here staring at me - waiting for the magic to happen with acrylics.

I bought a new bathroom scale. The one I got back in 2005 was saying I weighed a certain amount but I know I feel way fatter. I assumed the 17 year old scale was full of crap and had served its time. The new one I got read the same exact thing. How could I have lost weight when I feel so much fatter??? I will take the two readings and go with it - but wow. Getting older is weird. It's like plate tectonics with the body - things shifting all over and changing. Just weird.

November 19, 2022 - Snow. We gots it- lots of it. Lake effect snow. I know others have tons of snow like in Buffalo New York and I feel for them, but still - SNOW. It is clear over head right now, but snowing to beat the band. Nature - one must love it. I missed the 'breakfast with the boys" this morning. My oldest wasn't home yet from the road and of course, the SNOW.

Norman is not happy with this weather. He swill stand trying to balance on two paws while the other two are raised. Quite talented he is! I did get him out to run once in the last two days, but that is not enough to use up all of his massive Great Dane energy. He is currently shoving drooled up toys in my face...

Actually, though - he was pretty mellow this morning and we slept a lot. It was a good snowy morning to grab several naps. This afternoon, though, I've swept the house. I was thinking the brush was laboring so I flipped the vacuum over and holy crap! The brushes were packed to the hilt with toy guts from Norman's destruction. Took me 15 minutes to get it all out. I will have to keep an eye on that going forward. I am also doing laundry. With the cold temps I worry about the pipes freezing. I can't plug in the lamp out in the shed where the water tank is because the outlet out there exploded and I'm waiting for my electrician to replace it. My husband had many cords for different things and I tried today to figure out what when to what out there. I figured out most, but there are some that go somewhere but I can't figure out WHERE TO. I haven't even put in stable in the lawn movers yet. I was caught off guard. (I have the stable, I just haven't used it. You are supposed to let the mower run a while to work it through, too.) I will go early next week and fill up the one empty gas can and put stable in that, and then put stable in the other one and make sure I follow through on the maintenance stuff.

Earlier this week when I took Norm out in the dog pen early in the morning, I noticed the big gate at the end of the dog pen looked 'funny'... I walked down there and the whole thing was warped and on the outside of the pen! I looked like something rammed it from the inside trying to get out! There was no way I could pull that steel gate back in - it was bent and all messed up. I mentioned it to my neighbor that I think a deer got in there then bashed it like that trying to get out. He came over with a pry bar and popped the gate back inside like it should be - but he said, "Whatever did that had to be HUGE. It would have had to have been a giant deer...if it was a deer..." He suggested we get cameras. I agreed. Way weird. My cameras for outside arrive next week. It was just creepy weird. I know we don't have bears, for gosh sakes...but damn, that whole gate destruction freaks me out. Even if it was a deer, it would have been cool to see how it did the damage.

Norman just dumped out his big tote of toys. GOOD LORD! So many toys!! Spoiled? Possibly.... My BFF reminded me that when she was here, every time we'd go to the store I'd get another toy...I am such an enabler. Sigh. The tote itself was full of hair and dirt so I washed it and now it is drying, but in the meantime, he brings me one toy at a time to shove in my face. New toys he had forgotten about. He has one he really likes that sounds like a piggie. That one is a blast, boy howdy. Bless his heart. If I add up all the dollars I spent on those toys, I'm sure I could retire. (OK, I'm lying...he eats 6000 lbs of food a day - so no - I still couldn't retire...)

I made beef and noodles yesterday for supper (and to share with my neighbor) and cheese biscuits. I couldn't taste either of them, but it was food and I was hungry. Sigh. He said it was very good. After cooking for other people for 42 years, I can pretty know what should go into dishes, but I can't taste it to verify it most of the time...

I suppose I will go get some supper now (maybe, um...beef n noodles?) and get my dishes done and call it a day. Stay Warm!

November 25, 2022 - I am pretty sure there is some dude in China laughing to himself about the snowflake lights his company produced and picturing fat old American women trying to hang said lights. Oh My Word! Ugh. My husband and I have always had Christmas lights ready to turn on Thanksgiving night. I decided about 3 p.m. yesterday I would not break that tradition. I had gotten rid of all of our old, ancient lights after he passed. I wanted to start new. I saw these cool looking snowflake hanging lights. DON'T GET THOSE! IT'S A TRAP!

The short instruction note that came with them said, "Hold bundle of lights after untie the cable tie DON'T LET GO!" Then it said, "Find plug end and unravel DON'T LET GO!" OK, if I am not letting go with two hands, how does one HANG THEM!?!? It was a frustrating challenge to be sure. I did finally get them up on the dog pen. Apparently I set them to STUN as they were SO BRIGHT. I am pretty sure people in the tri state area were thrown into seizures form the blinking brightness. I went out and tried all the settings on the controller. Finally got them to fade in and out in a wave pattern and they were not so bright then. There is a DIM button, but that did not work. I might try changing the battery on the controller today and giving it another go tonight. I want colorful Christmas lights... I don't want to summon people from another galaxy, after all...

I also got the riding lawn mower filled with "stabled" gas. That made me feel better knowing it was done. I have not done the push mower yet, but maybe I can con my youngest son to do that today. Yesterday I took cookies and a cheese ball to the boys working at our East plant, since they were the only ones physically having to work on Thanksgiving. I wanted to let them know they were appreciated. After I dropped off their goodies, I went to my building and decorated for Christmas. SO MANY trips up and down the ladder... I was tired and sore when I got home. Norman and I took a wee nap after that...

Today is house cleaning and food prep for our Thanksgiving tomorrow. It will be wonderful to have all my chicks back in the nest for the day. They are so funny when we are together that I can sit back and just laugh and be amazed at the humans that dropped out of me without having to be 'on' - very entertaining. I will no doubt pee my pants from laughing. It is tradition too. Common phrase during events like these, "GET MOM A TOWEL!"

I will do deviled eggs today, make our cheese ball, make spritz and sugar cookies, a cookies and cream pie, pumpkin bread, prep the stuffing, and get the green bean casserole prepped and ready. The kids are bringing a ham and I have a turkey breast. Then all I have to do tomorrow is peel the potatoes, cook everything and time it so it's all pretty much done at the same time. I learned MANY years ago to use the force on that part - you have to feel the meal - become one with it - and hope for the best.

On that note - I shall go get ready for the day. Viva waking up breathing, and what ever you do - DON'T LET GO!

November 27, 2022 - The kids and my sister in law and my niece were all here yesterday for Thanksgiving. It was a hoot. I must admit, however, it was more emotional (internally) than I had anticipated. I have been enjoying not taking care of someone, mind you. I've enjoyed my 'me' time. Yesterday, however, after everyone left, I cried. (Some of that was because the pressure switch to my pump died, so I didn't have water...) I cried on the way to get a new switch from Lowes. I cried on the way to Meijer to get Norman's chicken. When I got home I sat outside while Norman was chasing squirrels and cried. Ugh. Being a girl sucks sometimes, although I've always liked the boobs...

I feel better now. My neighbor came and put the new pressure switch in, but there is a huge leak on the pressure gauge now. That will have to be taken care of soon. My neighbor offered to go get replacement stuff, but the poor dude didn't sound very enthusiastic about it. At least in the mean time I can do laundry (we used up every towel in the house to keep Norman de-slobberized yesterday) and I can shower and flush the toilet. Never take a working toilet for granted...I have checked it several times and it seems to have calmed down a bit on the leaking part. He taped it up good before screwing the piece back in - maybe that has finally calmed it down. All I know was I was feeling to damned 'helpless' for 24+ hours.

Today I had a turkey sandwich for lunch, but I couldn't taste the turkey. Still - it was food. Yesterday I could taste the stuffing and enjoyed the mashed potatoes and gravy. I can kind of taste the cookies I made, too, so all was not lost. Oh, wait - I COULD TASTE THE HAM. I forgot I had some left, too! Cool - that is what is for supper!! Thanks for reminding me! Smile.

December 4, 2022 - My neighbor fixed the gauge leak, bless his soul. He never takes money and that bothers me. I forced him to take a little this time. I told him it hurts my uterus when he doesn't accept fees for doing a professional service. I think he was in no mood to hurt my uterus. That man is a godsend for his older neighbors, let me tell you. I am pretty sure how he's treated me and Ron and Sue that he's guaranteed a free pass in to heaven.

It is a quiet Sunday morning. Norman is sleeping on the couch and Rocko the Cat is cleaning himself in the chair beside me. The wind finally died down. We had horrid winds yesterday and earlier this week. Auntie Em type winds. Fortunately, losing power was not an issue. Several 'blips' of almost losing it - but it carried on.

Hmmmmmmmmm.... what has happened since last weekend....let me ponder... Oh!! I remember! I had asked the boys to come help me decorate for Christmas on Saturday. We'd go to our normal breakfast and then come back here and decorate. I had taken down the Thanksgiving decorations and boxed them up and they were sitting in my living room for the boys to haul upstairs.

I forget what night it was, but I was staring at that stuff thinking, "Get off your lazy butt and put that stuff away!" So I did. I toted the totes upstairs and then I brought down Christmas stuff. Took two days or so, but I decorated for Christmas. Norman was a huge help, of course. I have two stuffed Olaf decorations and he was glad to drag them out of the tote and chew on them. He also ate on of my female reindeer from the family of reindeer we got from Burger King back in 1987. To him, a plastic tote is a toy box, so I couldn't scold him too hard. It was kind of funny to see him in his crate with four reindeer legs sticking out of his jowls...While I decorated I had on my favorite Christmas movies and shows. It was kind of peacefully nice.

After I was done decorating I was so giddy thinking how the boys would be surprised after breakfast on Saturday. I pictured they would walk in Saturday and say, "You already did it!" and I would laugh. I replayed this scenario over and over in my head, which made me giggle often. However, yesterday we had breakfast and I had to stop real quick to pick up a table cloth to put on Norman's crate to add to the festive look in the living room, so they came on home without me. They were going to let Norman out and play with him. I hurried as fast as I could at the store, sped home, and I opened the door to come in the house just as my youngest was opening the door to come out with Norm and I yelled, "SURPRISE!!" (Plus I was making the EEEEEEEEEEEEE sound that I make when I'm excited. I am sure it is more of a very fat old content bumble bee sound..)

Come to find out while we were outside with Norm that the youngest was thinking I was yelling SURPRISE over the fact we both got to the door at the same time. Neither one of the boys NOTICED I had decorated! Hahahahaha. Ugh. Men! There are Santas and Snowmen and garland and Christmas all over the place - and they didn't SEE it. "We were on a mission, Mom. Get Norman out to play!!" We all laughed. At least my inner plotting kept me entertained for a day or so. It's the little things.

I have had a bad mouse for quite some time now. Last week it was getting to the point where I wanted to throw said computer mouse across the road after beating it. The new keyboard and mouse I ordered finally came and I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DIFFERENCE! Seriously - my mouse was acting like a rebel and not clicking when it should and making up its own mind on what it thought I wanted to open. As my oldest said, "I can't believe you put up with for so long! I've told you for a year it was a crap mouse!" Once again - the little things.

My niece is coming over today with her dog to play with Norman. That will be nice for me and Norman. I have to put out an alert to Sue and Ron since her dog HATES their dog... Even dogs have issues with yard rage...

December 10, 2022 - I have been pondering perception lately. You can have 10 people in a room and have those people witness something and there will be 10 different versions of what happened. If I was ever on trial, I'd fear having humans testify against or for me.

We had a burst of wet snow last night. It made everything look very Christmas like and I enjoyed it. (That's my perception. If I had to drive in it, I'm sure it was a pile of mushy crap.) I took Norman out to play and he wanted to play ball so badly, but when I would throw/kick the ball to him it would get covered in snow and he would just run to it and stand and he wouldn't pick it up or bring it back. So the game ended up being me throwing the ball for myself with a Great Dane escort. Sigh.

I've been watching a few older movies with Christmas themes and when I'm watching I research the movie and the actors. Cripes. Hollywood isn't glamorous at all!! The things studios used to do to get the actors to look 'right' so they appeal to the public was just terrible sometimes. I am sure Hollywood or any place that makes movies still do questionable things to please the public. Sigh. When you have access to the internet you have the ability to look up anything you please whenever you want. Information inbound overload, really, but informative nonetheless. America in general has such a rotten track record for how it treated people from taking the land away from the native people to Japanese internment camps to testing nuclear bombs in space to institutionalizing women going through menopause because they thought they were crazy to testing drugs on service men... sigh. (Not just America, I'm sure. I am sure every country on Earth has done these abominable things to their populations. Kind of makes me sad.) Odd how a few people 'at the top' can make decisions for the masses like that...and we let them....

December 11, 2022 - A friend of mine had asked me to go to our local village parade on Saturday night. I said yes, even though I really really didn't want to. I was forcing myself to...first holidays after losing a spouse is hard that's for sure. People warned me. I believe them now.

My friend cancelled on me and I was SO HAPPY! I didn't have to go!! Right when I was all happy about that, I got a text from another friend asking me to join her and her husband at the parade. Sigh. I figured it was a 'sign' of some sort. I took a shower and went in. I was brave and only cried for a while. When the parade started, as you well know, I tend to act like a hyperactive kid. The floats this year were very festive. The band played first in the parade to get people hyped up - which was nice - but that meant Santa did not get a lead in band when his horse drawn wagon came. Kind of anticlimactic, really. The point to this is I survived this little outing. It was close to home and I did it. I am not ready to venture out and tour lights and go 'big' yet - but it was a step forward for me, at least. I asked one of my friends who's been widowed for a while and she said it gets better, but you get sick of being alone and talking to the dog and yourself. This is true. I am glad I have such a base of friends and wonderful kids that I'm really never 'alone' as it were - I could reach out to anyone of these people and they would be here for me. I am blessed.

I am doing a system upgrade on my mainframe as I type. No one was using the system so I took the opportunity. Right now I'm doing a system save in case any of the upgrades break stuff when I do them. Wish me luck. I don't feel like dealing with IBM weekend support, even though normally I get nice people out of Minnesota if I have an emergency.

My boys came for breakfast yesterday morning and then my youngest put up a couple of new motion sensor lights over my front door and the dog pen. I had a video the other night at like 2 in the morning from the camera up front and I could see something moving in the yard out there, but it looked like a fuzzy spotlight from above. I enlarged it enough to figure out it had to be my cat running through the yard. Still, cat or not - I would like to see what is scooting around (now that I have cameras).

The cap on my back bottom molar that has been root canal-ed came off when I was chewing gum this morning. (The dentist warned me something was going on with that tooth at my last cleaning.) I put the cap in a baggie and will call the dentist tomorrow. I think he said he might have to try to fix (what is left of the tooth that WAS connected to the crown) or he'd just pull it... At this point - I think he can just pull it. We'll see what he says. It's harder that heck to get in to any dentist or doctor nowadays. Waiting months for an appointment is not uncommon. I am just glad it doesn't have any nerves in it so there is no pain.

I got off the hook on jury duty that was supposed to be tomorrow. I had called my doctor to ask for an 'emergency' appointment to get in to discuss my expressive bladder issues. He wrote me a note so I could cancel my rotation. I really did not feel like peeing in any jury boxes. I thought I was being thoughtful of the furniture at the court house.

December 18, 2022 - Ugh. I've been a sick kid. Being sick 'alone' is harder than being sick with someone here. No one here to let the dog out or go to the store. Mainly it's Norman - who has no concept of what being ill for a human means - and can't understand why you don't want to go play. I would call the boys to help, but they are sick too (so you know who I got it from). I stayed in touch with my family doc this week on line and finally begged to see him before the weekend. He got me in as the last patient on Friday night. Just him and me in there - he was a good dude to see me. Glad I whined til he caved in, as I have a sinus infection and ear infections and bronchitis. I have my drugs now. I even feel a little better knowing I'm really sick. (Odd how that works - being justified for feeling so bad...) I wonder if it isn't covid in some form? Who knows. All I know is being dragged behind a horse over shards of glass would not feel as bad as I did Wednesday - Friday. I will need to get some groceries so I will muster up my strength and run to the local grocery store. I will be masked. Norman was driving me insane this morning so I warmed up the car and just took him around the block. When we got back he had a spaz fit and ran and finally took a pooh - so he seems happier now. Damned Kids... I think as sick as I was/am I will cancel my appointment this week to get the remains of my molar pulled. I don't need him in there yanking on it when I have a snot fit. I am sure he would appreciate this as well.

December 23, 2022 - I have had my neighbors and friends checking on my since I posted. I didn't mean to post to whine, really. It was mainly to keep me settled down and sane as I was sick...It has been nice to have peeps checking on me, though. (My BFF said, "You gotta let people help you sometimes." I always forget that...) My friend Lisa brought me homemade bread and turkey noodle soup. My friends Ron and Sue have done errands for me, gotten my mail, brought up my garbage, and brought me chicken n noodles from the Amish store. My friend Linda brought me Christmas cookies and homemade goulash. People are sweet. I have had plenty to eat. (Can't taste anything, but I am pretty sure if I weighed myself, there is no weight loss here...)

I also feel better since my oldest son got home safe and sound this morning. My daughter and soninlaw are both here at his parents house. All my kids are at safe places and hunkered down for any "blizzard" we get. So far, it's just terrible cold and some snow, but the wind has made drifts. The weather alert says, "Blizzard conditions expected. Total snow accumulations in excess of a foot in many areas. Winds gusting as high as 50 mph. Wind chills 10 to 20 below. If you have a Great Dane, he will refuse to go potty outside because he's scared of the wind and will sit there and look at you like it is YOUR fault..."

I made up the hamburger my daughter had brought over yesterday into meatballs. It just looked like it needed to be cooked, even though the sell by date was Christmas Day. I am 62. I know my meat... When the meatballs were cooling on paper towels to suck up remaining grease, Norman nabbed one. I laughed. I can't punish him when he makes me laugh.

It suddenly hit me that I feel better. It feels good to feel better. I hope this is a trend for me. I just slabbed on a big plop of Vicks on my chest and plan on taking a bit of a snooze in my chair. Stay safe!

December 28, 2022 - I fixed myself a baked sweet potato and a hamburger for supper. Then it dawned on me I'm eating supper before five p.m. Old Geezer!! The nice thing was, when I sprinkled cinnamon on my sweet potato, I COULD SMELL IT! Hurray.

Christmas was fun. We didn't all herd until Christmas Day. We played games and ate good food (I think - I still couldn't taste it). I laughed hard. It was a wonderful day with my kids. They are so much fun. I kicked them out after 10 hours because I was so tired, though. Poor kids! After being so sick for so long, that was a long day for me!! Still, it gave me joy and energy and made me happy. I wish they lived here in my house with me. (In separate wings of a house, of course - smile.)

I have my quarterly sugar check up tomorrow. I always get blood work before hand and I went yesterday morning to get it. My numbers were all over the place. According to my blood work, I'm probably dead? My doctor send me a note and said, "We will discuss these results on Thursday." (Translation: Don't bug me about the numbers like you always do, we'll talk.) I don't blame my blood work for being all wonky. I was one sick kid. I will ask for a new one in two weeks or so to see if indeed I'm dying or not. Smile. If the blood work is still bad then, I will accept any fate he tell me...

Norman has detected that I am eating hamburger. (I seldom ever do...I try and stay away from red type meats.) He is pretty sure I should be sharing. He is wrong.

I have what remains of a molar pulled in January. I was scheduled for last week, but I was way to sick to go. We have new Dental insurance starting 1/1. I will get to break it in! The crown fell off on the 13th and is still somewhere in my purse in a baggie. I decided it was not worth trying to glue it back on. The rest of the tooth can leave the building.

It has been a tough year, to be certain. When I was sick I didn't feel very jolly. I didn't get out many Christmas Cards and I love Christmas cards! For two weeks I was just worried about me being able to breathe and survive. I assume all major holidays are hard after you lose a spouse as well. I am sure things will even out as time goes on, right?

On Saturday I found I didn't have any water pressure again. Ugh. I went out to the shed where the tank is at and sure enough, it was at zero. I didn't cry. I came back in and thought things through. My neighbor just installed a new switch after all, so I doubted it was that. I typed him a message as I was thinking it all through. Then it dawned on me, the wind shill have been way below zero - maybe it just froze up out there. I do have a heat lamp in there, but only a 40 watt bulb. I took out a 60 watt bulb and put that in and re-positioned the heat lamp. I came back in and waited. In about a half hour - TA DAH! Water spewed forth. Thank goodness. Then I went to do laundry and the cold water did not work on the washer... I figured it was goobered up with tons of rust crap from our crappy water and the disruption of the water flow. When my youngest was here on Christmas we checked the hoses and the cold water was working on it's own, just not getting into the washer. He said that was probably deep in the washer. We finally decided to use canned air to blow out that area and OMG - SO MUCH CRAP BLEW OUT. My son got covered in rust blobs and he looked at me and said, "I think that was the issue" and I laughed so hard. Just the look on his poor face and seeing his hands covered in goo was hilarious. I tried to explain why I was laughing so hard to my other kids, but they didn't get it. My youngest said, "I guess you had to be there..."

Speaking of which - I need to go upstairs and change the water filter now that I remembered it. I am sure that is packed full of good old rusty crap as well. Viva crappy water! This area is notorious for horrid water. I have started to take down Christmas decorations and will take a load up when I go to do this. Viva feeling better and keeping on keeping on...

Probably won't post again UNTIL NEXT YEAR. I wish us all a kinder, gentler year. May 2023 be KIND to us all. As life continues on, may we all be happy and relatively healthy. May we enjoy and seize each day. If you are reading this, you know I love you. HUG.

Wetsands Blog

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