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January 3, 2020 -
2020 starts my 60th year on Earth (officially in
October). I had dinner with my high school
girlfriends last night and we agreed that trying
to grasp the thought of '2020' is hard...as the
one funny song by Tim Wilson says - 'WHERE'S MY
JET PACK?' Hahahaha. It DOES feel weird
saying '2020' but I think we'd best get used to
it, huh? I have to smile when my husband finishes each day of radiation. He is doing what I did when I was in the last half my of treatment - you come home and mark it off the schedule they give you - and as you go forward in the treatment - you tend to mark off each day with a darker line and with more flourish. He has eleven more zaps to go... He is doing pretty good - his spirit is high. He went through the period where he sounded almost NORMAL but now he's in squeak mode. The doctor said he will soon lose his voice completely. The pain is getting worse and they prescribed him liquid morphine. Liquid morphine causes constipation - another challenge. To poop or not to poop - that is the question. Do you get relief from the searing pain, or do you tolerate it as much as you can so you can poop? Ah, life! Go figure. January 12, 2020 - lt was a nice day yesterday. My boys came over and I fixed spaghetti pie for a meal for them and garlic cheese biscuits. (It was for my wee one's Birthday and that is what he requested.) The wee one was shoveling in the food so fast and furious that he had to sit up straight to take in air. I guess that is a compliment, when they eat so much there is a high possibility of the need to call 911. Smile. I also made hot fudge cake and got ice cream for it. Yum. We had an early lunch so the boys could get home before the ice started falling. (I am not sure if much actually fell here. We had a winter storm warning issued and I think it was over played for my region. I'm sure up north got hit, but here - not so sure.) The power only flickered twice yesterday. We did, however, lose half of our big old willow tree out back. It finally gave up the fight yesterday morning. She was old and needed to come down anyway - so instead of waiting for me to do something about it, she ended her own life. The noise it made when it fell scared me! BOOM! Thought it was thunder at first. BAM! SO MUCH WOOD. I was so scared my neighbor's dog Sophie may have been out wandering, so I called Ron and Sue to check. There would have been no warning, just BAM. (Sophie was safe in the house, phew.) I wonder if any squirrels got smashed? Both neighbors offered to help clean it up and I keep telling one of them NO and that we'll call for a tree service to come out. There is no way my husband can do it, but I don't want to see my neighbors getting hurt on my old tree. The younger neighbor insists he will do it but I am hoping to talk him out of it. Really, they don't need to clean up the willow carnage. The little that remains standing needs to come down too so it is only logical to call a tree service. (My boys commented that there would a lot of bonfire wood out there...)  Working a full week last week was actually kind of OK. I got a lot done. I have been VERY tired lately, though. I went to bed last night at 8 p.m. and got up today at 4:30 a.m. My husband will on occasion sound like he's choking at night (from the radiated throat and swelling and soreness) and I don't sleep well because I'm worried he'll actually choke. (Of course, he hasn't slept well in a week or so, either.) I know the 'tired' feeling I am having is also from stress/depression. I know the signs. He only has 5 zaps left and he'll be done. That will be a blessing. I will confess about something stupid I did in hopes you will not do this. I wanted to send flowers to my sister for Christmas. I search on the nearest flower shop to her location and ordered from the first place that came up in Google. (Dumb move on my part. I did not research this Troys Florist nor check them out on BBB. DUH!) They never did deliver the flowers and they will not refund my money. I did the research afterwards, and it is just a scam florist. Once in a great while they will deliver an order, but it's always wrong. If you look at the source / site info on their web page you will see they have a 'local' page for hundreds of locations across this area. I just gave away my money to these thieves. Me, who preaches security and on line safety to the masses got duped. DON'T GET DUPED. If you've never dealt with a business before, DO THE RESEARCH. Sigh. I can't believe I did that. Makes me mad. I've filed reports on them at the BBB and FTC, but my money is long gone. (When you research the place on the BBB, you find out they have many fake floral sites. CONSUMER BEWARE.) Ugh.  We took Rocko to the veterinarian on Friday for his shots. He was none too pleased. He kept shooting me "I HATE YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP" looks as we waited for the vet. (Rocko likes my husband. He is not too fond of me and never has been. I took him in to the vet office. If he has to hate someone, I don't mind if it is me.) I think Rocko was happy it was an 'in and out' visit, though. When we got home, he was strutting around like "Wow, that wasn't so bad! Now open me six cans of gravy cat food, opposable thumbed human!" January 15, 2020 - I came home last night and just cried like a baby. My dear neighbors (I should say dear friends) had come over yesterday and cleaned up that fallen willow tree! They even raked up debris!!! (We are going to have one hell of a bonfire next time we have one.) I couldn't believe it. It was so overwhelming. I was so touched and in awe I couldn't stop crying for a while. I know I'm blessed beyond belief in general everyday but then there are events like this that confirm I am 'super blessed' and I will never be able to thank them enough for their generosity. (I was crying too much last night with joy and amazement to get a picture, but I will.) Three more zaps for my husband and his radiation. He is really feeling it now - pain wise. As I tried to go to sleep last night I was thinking to myself that no human can understand what another human is going through in circumstances like this, or any circumstance actually. I do not feel the burning in his throat nor can I share the pain. I am sure he felt the same way when I had my cancer plus a mental breakdown. It leaves humans feeling quite helpless in situations such as this. I felt very helpless when my dear friend Laura was going through her cancer treatments and then hospice... You can't really offer comfort other than letting the other human know you love them, I guess. It is frustrating to some degree when you cannot fix things for someone you love. Some things are beyond our ability. I suppose one must be the best they can be for their friends and family and show love and support. That is really all you can do... (or clean up half a dead willow tree explosion for your neighbor.) Smile. January 16, 2020 - When I was younger and when I spoke to adults I would try to sound intelligent and confident when in fact I was probably sounding like a typical teenager. Last night I was getting my hair cut and in walked a young man. My first thought was, "He's only 12 years old!" and I almost screamed that out. He was not, of course. After talking with him for a while (where he tried to sound intelligent and confident) I learned he was an 'adult' working at an accounting firm. The whole time he was waxing poetic about his job and experience and life, all I could think of was "I want to tweak his little baby cheeks, he's so cute." Hahahaha - getting older - go figure. I want to warn you that what is seen cannot be unseen - you've been warned.... Here is a picture of the cleaned up area where the suicide willow tree bit the big one - once again, many thanks to my dear neighbor friends who were so kind clean up - next to the pic from above where it just fell:  Where there is the huge chunk of log still remaining (that was way too huge for any conventional chain saw) and I initially saw this:  But of course when my mind thinks too hard - it sees this:  My minds thinks it looks like the torso of the Teddy Bear after he was kidnapped, killed, and his legs and male member was amputated. I warned you... This is how my brain works. It is also an indication that I watch WAY TOO MUCH of Court TV and ID Channel....  Speaking
of bears... My end of the building's furnace
finally decided to die. That wasn't a bad thing
until the temperatures outside plummeted. One of
my coworkers who is trained in the ways of HVAC
type things kept it limping along for a long time
but not only was it consuming all his time, it was
just an old old old furnace that was just ready to
meet its maker. We went a week with very cold
temps on our end (usually around 60 degrees) so
myself and Judy brought in blankets to snuggle
under. I've been fighting off a cold and my ears
hurt so I went down to the gas station on the
corner (I knew they had gloves and hats) and found
this panda hat with long 'arm' sides that covered
my ears and had hand pockets at the end to warm up
my fingers. I bought it. I rocked that hat. I wore
it all over work. Not very professional, no - but
I believe it helped speed the process of getting
quotes and a new furnace. Today was the first day
I could feel my fingers at work in a long time...January 18, 2020 - We received about three inches of snow last night and now it is sort of raining / pelleting ice balls. (Wait, there is a name for that - sleet - it is sleeting outside.) If the kids were still home we'd be out in this goop making a snowman about now. Said snowman would end up being coated in ice and it would have lasted quite a while. (Seeing as it is just my 59 year old self and I've only had one coffee - screw that idea.)  Yesterday
was my husband's last radiation. I personally, was
thrilled beyond belief. I don't wish radiation on
anyone knowing first hand (or first boob) how it
can ravage the radiated part of your body and how
it makes you feel like crap and how it makes your
whole self feel depressed. Since his throat is so
damaged from the process, he just wanted to get it
over with. We went up, he got his zapping, and he
got to ring the bell. He looked very happy while
ringing the bell. (Women tend to practically rip
off the bell from the wall, men are more civil
about the process and just lightly ding it.) On the way home I asked him if he wanted a frosty chocolate milkshake and he whispered that he just wanted to go home. I dropped him off at the house,  made a grocery list of things he
wanted, and took off the grocery store. I was so
happy and relieved it was over and that I would
finally get my car back (I had let him use my car
for all the trips to the cancer center) that I was
just jamming to the radio and singing my lungs out
and going 50 mph on a 35 mph road. A police car
had just turned on to that street and after
passing me I saw in my rear view that he whipped
the car around. "Yep, Woman. You are getting a
ticket!" I said out loud. I had my proof of
insurance and registration ready for him. (I
couldn't get my license out of my wallet, though,
it was stuck in the pocket part.) In the rear view
you see him cautiously approaching as any good
officer would do. (They don't know if you have
weapons or not...) "Do you know why I pulled you
over, ma'am?" he said. "Yes, I was going like a
bat out of hell, Sir!" I then proceeded to tell
him I had just dropped my husband off after his
last radiation and I was so happy it was over that
I wasn't paying attention to my speed. "You have
to SLOW DOWN, ma'am!" he said. He helped me get my
license out of the wallet pocket as I was having
no luck and he went back to his car to write my
ticket. Please note I've never gotten a ticket all of my driving career. I'm 59 and never received a citation for evil things like speeding. Trust me, I have deserved it more than once but I knew that I finally had pushed my luck beyond karma's limits. He came back with a one foot long strip of paper and said, "I'm just giving you a warning this time. PLEASE SLOW DOWN!" I thanked him and told him he could give me a ticket as I deserved it. He just raised his eye brows a bit and asked me if I was related to a person down the road who had the same last name. I told him no then thanked him for the reality check on my driving. Off to the store I went. (I came home and the warning has now been posted up so I remember to watch my lead foot.)  They let
my husband bring home the mask they had to use on
him to keep his head stable during radiation. I
laughed at it. It looks like  something Hannibal Lecter would
wear... a "Hello Clarice" sort of thing. It also
reminded me of Manray from Spongebob. Hahahaha. I
am not sure what I want to do with the thing yet.
Maybe make a squirrel corn cob feeder from it this
spring? My BFF has mentioned to me she wanted to
do something with her boyfriend's mask from his
radiation, but really - what can we do with the
thing? I suppose I could paint it up with day of
the dead type decorations but I am leaning towards
the squirrel feeder. My neighbor Ron had radiation
and a mask, too, and he said he just took it and
threw it away in the dumpster at the Cancer
Center. That is also an option...January 21, 2020 - Ugh. It has been a few painful few days. I had my teeth cleaned on January 7th. I had one molar that was sensitive and the hygienist poke and prodded at it and it didn't feel anything. The dentist came in and poked and prodded at it. Still nothing. It is a molar that is mostly filling... but it passed the tests and we decided to let it go until it acted up again. "Again" decided to be this last weekend. On Saturday it felt like I had a gum infection or super canker sore. I treated it as a canker sore - Orajel and salt water rinses. That was Saturday. Sunday it was as if someone installed a lovely barbed wire fence in my face. The pain! Ugh. I used up almost a whole little bottle of Orajel on Sunday. I sat with an ice pack on my face most of the day. I cried a lot. (I've had three babies with no drugs...I've had cancer surgery...I've had a blocked bile duct for several months where the pain almost killed me, and I've stubbed my toes so many times they should legally have fallen off by now ... so I know pain. This face pain, however, was right up there with "JUST SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD, PLEASE!") I took Tylenol and prayed a lot. I was able to sleep Sunday night, though, which was a blessing. I got up on Monday morning and started my normal routine. (I work from home every morning until about 8 a.m. to cover any third shift issues - then shower and go to work.) I took a sip of coffee with my creamer in it and almost fell to to the floor. Obviously whatever was wrong with my face DID NOT LIKE SUGAR. (I do not recommend this as a diet aid.) I rinsed my mouth, took more Tylenol, and watched the clock until I could call the dentist office at 8 a.m. They were able to get me in at 9 a.m. I told the dentist it felt like a gum infection gone wild. He got in there and looked around. "Nope, not an infection that I can see..." They took xrays. My back most upper left molar (mostly filling) had infection around the nerve. That explained a lot. "You can get a root canal and a crown..." he said slowly..."Or you can PULL IT OUT!" I begged. He said he would if he could that very minute but they were booked. I go on Wednesday to get it ripped from my face. He prescribed amoxicillin for me. I took the starter dose of two at work. By the time I went home for lunch I was nearly defeated. All I could imagine was the Knights of Shining Antibiotic armor were at the source of evil and a huge battle was taking place. The pain would not go away. (The dentist offered me pain meds that morning and I said "Naw, I'm fine with Tylenol" but I WAS WRONG.) I cried on the way back to work, sucked up my pride and called the dentist for pain meds, emailed my team that I would be working from home for the afternoon, went and got my Norco script and came home. Sigh. The Knights of Shining Antibiotics have finally calmed the nerve this morning. Bless Drugs. I can drink my coffee WITH creamer and not die. I don't like the Norco, though - it makes me feel like the back end of a dog with diarrhea. I won't need those anymore. They did, however, save me yesterday afternoon. The pain of an extracted tooth will be much easier to deal with than this pain. I've had at least four root canals and crowns, but nope - this one must die. My husband is having a hard time of it as well, pain wise. It will take two weeks before he even begins to start to heal. Yesterday as we were both in pain and acting like it, I decided this will be my full time life in about 10 years. Two old people just waiting for death to come... It's not pretty. January 23, 2020 - Years ago on one of Steve Martin's comedy albums he used the term "Die you gravy sucking pigs" which at the time made me laugh hysterically but it is also useful now... The tooth of pain came out and I flipped off the offender and stated that quote. Took a while for the dentist to rock it out, but by howdy it came out whole. I am sore from the extraction of course but last weekend's pain will not come again. Bless dental insurance. January 24, 2020 - Friday. Bless you. Thank you for coming. End of the work week. Yay!! I may drink a beer tonight. I deserve a bit of a buzz. What I really want is to escape somewhere. I'm not fussy, just a nice quiet place within walking distance of a party store. (My boss, who is from the Chicago area, says we are stupid here in Michigan to call them 'party stores' since a 'party store' is where you go to buy balloons and streamers. "They are Liquor Stores, damnit!" he insists.) My husband has his 'week after radiation ended' check up today. He's been in big throat pain. He whispered this morning that he would take his car to the appointment. (I had let him use my newer car throughout his whole radiation 'journey'.) I said, "Well, I assumed that - I was going to take my car to work..." He then whispered, "Well, I supposed I just don't matter anymore..." That was like a slap across the face to me. "Just kidding..." he whispered. It did not feel like he was kidding. Ugh. I am sure my facial expression made it clear I was utterly hurt. Since last October I've tried so hard to be a good nurse and support person. I've been through it, I understand the angst of the process of cancer. That one statement from him took the wind right out of me!! Sigh. I wanted to cry. Which leads me to my next statement - all you caregivers out there taking care of a parent or someone who needs constant care, I praise you. It is not easy. Caregivers are the underdog and are not recognized enough for their efforts. They are put upon and have to re-arrange their lives so others can be happier and more comfortable. There is no reward for doing so. Our DNA just makes it so you do it - you feel obligated. You feel overwhelmed. You carry on best you can. Kudos to all of you. Hugs and Kudos. Now, I will put my big girl panties on and get over this blow to my self worth and carry on. I took it the wrong way. I often take things the wrong way. A coworker at work yelled at me a few weeks ago indicating my intelligence was less that stellar. That also hurt me, but frankly, I don't feel stupid. After a week of pouting, I realized he was, of course, wrong. I am not a stupid person. Gullible, hell yes, but not stupid. Being human often feels like being a puppy. You bring people toys and you pee when you see other humans because you are so happy, and a lot of time you end up being kicked. Update - after several friends gave me input on this emotion I was having, I realized I was wrong. When you go through any adversity - just like I did with my cancer and all of us have gone through of some sort, you do feel like "What? I don't matter?" and it is a VALID feeling. A let down - suddenly, when you walked through hell and back, everyone expects you to be OK and carry on. Sometimes is it not that easy. I feel much better after input from friends. Thank you all. All is well. (However, now that I've talked about puppies, I really really really want one...) January 29, 2020 - I have been using my cruise control a lot lately to avoid speeding down the country roads, but tonight I totally forgot about it because a song by Uncle Kracker came one ('Smile') and to be honest, I've never really listened to that all the way through so I was daydreaming all the way home about how cool it would be for a man to play that for a woman out of the blue. It's a sweet song. Normally I won't listen to anything I deem as 'country' music, but that is a very very sweet song. Maybe someday someone will feel that way about me and surprise me with it someday...but I digress - even with daydreaming I DID THE SPEED LIMIT. I am getting used to cooling my jets as it were. Lead Foot Sandy is learning to modify behavior! There were deer at my front bird feeder this morning and I had to laugh - they 'huffed' at me as if to say, "Well, darn it. We just started!" and they meandered off into the road with no urgency until a car was headed their way. I don't mind them eating what is on the ground but when they head butt the feeder, I get a little irate. I still want a puppy and a kitten. I want them to grow up together and be BFFs. I keep an eye out at the nearest SPCA to see if there are young ones available. I miss having someone to sleep with. (Wow, that works on so many levels...) January 30, 2020 - I forgot to mention that yesterday when a coworker was in my office doing her thing and I was doing my thing, after about five minutes she said to me, "I doubt we'll be able to tell you when you go full senile..." Hahahahaha. (I talk to inanimate objects often and constantly talk to myself when working, so I'm sure she is totally correct. Is it Sandy, or has she given in to dementia? I'll never tell...)  February 4, 2020 -
The area where I live has very rusty water.
The mineral content in our water goes above
and beyond when it comes to iron. Kudos for
it trying so hard. However, it makes for
some issues with orange showers and rusty
washing machines. We use a filter prior to
the water coming in the house, but the hot
water heater will collect the stuff and
share it with us all if we don't drain it
often. In the winter you don't drain it
often. I was concerned since lately wash
load after wash load I was getting lovely
orange sunset type patterns on my towels and
such. "Why is it doing this?!?!" Well, after
a week of staining the greater tri-state
area I figured it out... I had the dial in
the washer set to 'clean' and 'clean' uses
all hot water and as it was previously
stated - the hot water heater tends to
collect rust. Duh on my part. NEVER set the
washer up without your reading glasses,
folks!! Ugh. I have been having such fun painting. Sigh. I finally fixed the picture I painted for my daughter back in September. The lighthouse was lop sided when I first did it and the sky was crappy. I have tried to fix it six times. On Saturday morning I finally got it (after 72 layers of paint) where I wanted it. I was so relieved. I will see her this weekend and give it to her and that will be the end of the painting that beat Sandy. She will need a UHaul to get it home from the weight of all the paint fixing.... February 8, 2020 - I will be glad when this month is over. I hate typing February. It bothers me. I have to say out loud FEB RU ARY to type it correctly. (I actually just shrugged my shoulders when I typed that. Hahahaha. Even I confuse myself.) I think I mentioned I was going to attempt to go gracefully gray and let my hair just be my hair. I failed miserably. The first time I dyed it ever, I dyed it black for Halloween. That was 20+ years ago. It never did come in my normal color ever again. So, I couldn't take it anymore, the mousy color it was turning... After staring at it for the longest time, I decided if it didn't make me happy to let it go gray then I should just color my roots. The deed is done. I'm am not ready, I suppose, to go gray. Hair is the only thing in your life you can control so I controlled the heck out of mine today. I love all my friends with their lovely gray hair, though. It does look stunning, and someday when I go full gray I will enjoy it and put purple streaks in it and rock the gray, but that day was not today...I must admit, I was actually HAPPIER after I got my roots done for what it's worth. It lifted my inner self. I could use that. All humans can use a 'lift'... That lift was dashed when I stopped at the grocery store at 1:30 p.m. and it was packed and getting through the aisles was nothing short of 'interesting' at best. They should make a Mortal Kombat game based on a superstore's busiest hours... My husband MOVED! Yay! He snow plowed on Friday when I was at work. This was a first since the end of his radiation. He touched up some of that plowing today when I was off getting un-gray. This also lifted my spirits. He says his pain is down to a '3' most of the time now. Hurray. I keep telling him that he was bombarded with radiation for a long time and he is bound to take a while to heal. (But inside I was screaming HURRAY, HE MOVED!!) Hope springs eternal! Feb Ru Ary 9, 2020 - This morning we noticed there is a Mystery Science Theater 3000 marathon on the Comet Channel. YAY! We have SO MANY of those shows we bought on DVD, so I am not so sure why I'm so thrilled about a marathon on TV with commercials and all... I am, however. During the first one, my husband said he had a hankering for Vienna sausages. SOLID FOOD? (Sort of...) OK, I said - I will go get them. I was so happy he wanted something other than gravy or cream of wheat. He added to the list Underwood Deviled Ham spread, cheese wiz, and Spam. Yep, all terribly overly processed chicken lips plus parts from other animals they can't use legally in other foods - but they are SOLID to a point - so he asked and I got. He is healing. Finally. I have made a deal with myself I will do something small during each commercial. That's why I like the commercials - I can do stuff at least, no matter how small. I have almost gotten my whole fridge cleaned so far. I have done laundry. It will be a Sunday full of laughter and chores being completed. My oldest son is a semi driver, and he sent us a video the other day on our Facebook family feed. He started it out by saying he was in an accident but everyone is OK (he is required to add that disclaimer since he knows I would immediately freak out at the word 'accident'). He keeps a video on constantly while he's driving. A good thing to do. He was in Southern Kentucky and it looked like they had a good amount of snow down there. He drives for a company that HAS to go the speed limit (so his truck is restricted from speeding) and in the video an independent trucker passed him, then a small car was trying to pass that semi on the outside third lane and hit snow and spun out, flying back to hit my son's semi. In the video my son calmly pull over and the video ended. My son said it was a 'kid' and he was very shook up. In the video when the car hit my son's semi, you barely saw the impact on the semi. When the police got there the kid said "it was all my fault" and my son was able to leave the scene. Man, that is scary. Keep that in mind - semis cannot do cool evasive moves to save you if you are being stupid on the highway... February 12, 2020 - My Facebook post from yesterday: Oh, sure - I'm impressed by all the brooms who were taught to stand by themselves (good broom...good boy) but what I'm more impressed with is my ability to stand up straight! Take that inanimate object! BAM! And then I added this a half hour later: In response to my previous post - I had posted that at lunch and when I ran out to get in my car to come back to work, I became Not So Straight and wiped out. At my age, when you fall, you try to figure out in the split seconds before you hit the ground the safest landing position. I chose to have full impact on my knees and hands. This worked out well except my purse was hanging from my left arm and swung around and bashed me on the head. Mind you, it made me laugh hysterically and pee some (but really, what doesn't) and I can only imagine what the neighbor's saw... That was my Thursday. I am still laughing about it, since when people fall (including myself) I have no self control on laughing - I will help you and even shove back any bones that blow out back in, but I will laugh. Sorry - it's a genetic defect. I did call my chiropractor as soon as I got back to work, though - since there are are several things I need to get back to their original placement. I came home feeling quite defeated today. I can't believe I let that dumb stuff bother me. I am just working to earn money. Just because things are 'allowed' that I don't approve of shouldn't bother me after 40 years, right? Some things still do. Ugh. I felt so 'naive' almost today - so oblivious to some things that have been going on and discouraged by other things that I know do go on that no one seems to 'care' about. Poor behavior is almost rewarded sometimes. Questionable business practices are accepted. It is days like this I am thankful I don't have grand kids to come along in this crazy, stupid world. My husband ate a real meal tonight. Praise be. He ate a pork chop, mashed potatoes, and peas. (With gravy - mind you.) I was thrilled. Eating real meat tasted so so so good. I almost cried to smell the pork chops baking. LIKE PERFUME FROM HEAVEN. Is there nothing a pig cannot make delicious? (That was a double negative, so I hope that means a positive...) I am putting on finger nail polish. Odd for me. Not something I normally do. I hate the smell of it to begin with. It's not even a color, it's clear with glitter in it. I needed sparkles tonight. Plus I am filling out Valentine's tonight and they are just covered with glitter - so this will be a bright and festive evening for me. February 20, 2020 - I let Rocko the Cat out tonight and to our south west, you could hear coyotes going nuts. I had to come in and listen to examples of the calls because at first I thought it was foxes, but it was coyotes. Kind of cool and creepy all in one. I thought it was Friday all day today. I was quite upset when I found out about 11 a.m. at work it was only Thursday. I was dating everything as Friday as well. Duh on my part but darn....I wanted it to be Friday very badly... My husband asked for spinach quiche for supper so I made it. Actually, it was quite delicious. Nice and filling and tasty. I am happy to be making real food again, that's for sure. As much as I've complained about cooking supper every night over the years, I do appreciate a good quiche. February 21, 2020 - I am up at 4:45 a.m. Why? Number one reason is technically #1 - I had to pee like a over hydrated race horse. So I've decided to stay up and type about nothing for mental therapy. You don't have to read it. (Unless you are up at 4:45 a.m. for #2 and are sitting on a toilet somewhere with nothing better to do...) Yesterday I really missed my friend Laura. Back in the day we had about the same 'cycle' time and would complain over messaging how badly our boobs hurt or the like, or lament the pain of being a woman, etc. My post-cancer boob Dolly hurt a LOT yesterday and my first thought (besides rubbing it in public and at work in front of everyone) was "I have to tell Laura!" I really really miss her. I found out a few days ago that a dear old friend lost her sister to cancer before Christmas. Doesn't see fair, this whole LIFE thing most of the time. When I was younger I would wax poetic about life, the universe, and everything. I would ponder the existence of the human species and the meaning of life. I've come to the conclusion there is no meaning to it all. Here we are. We evolved. Now we're smarter than cows, which is nice, but that just makes us smarter cows basically. Moo. Oh, by the way, today is REALLY Friday. I'm lucky because in my mind this is my second Friday this week. Last night I had a dream I was terminated from work. I've had that similar dream before... The first time I had that dream I was frantic in the dream. I had to work. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME WORK. I was so lost and manic. My whole adult life has been at that place. Last night's dream ended with me charging $200 an hour for consulting when they eventually called for help, and planting many fairy gardens in my leisure time. I like last night's version better. (OK, I just realized why I had that dream again - it was because I talked to that dear old friend mentioned above WHO WAS terminated from her job after 25 years because they sent all of the support people's work to India. The last time I had that dream was the last time she and I talked...now I know. Makes complete sense. Plus one of my co-workers is in India for a family event. It's all so clear to me now. Mind blown. On that note, Moo. I'm off to graze...) Oh, and I wrote a poem for a dear old friend from times gone by.... To my Old
Friend (I
thought…) by
Sandy You burned
all your bridges over your
troubled waters
I tend to talk
back to my birds. I fed them
and stood outside listening to
the different calls. Then I
answered one back. I have the
vocal range of probably/maybe
three notes, so I whistled
back at the bird, copying what
they said. This conversation
went on for a minute until I
saw the bird fly off. It
dawned on me that I may have
said something I shouldn't
have...what if I were saying
in bird talk "I will build
you the biggest nest in the
safest tree, my darling, and
bring you worms a plenty for
our wee ones. I will fly to
the moon and bring it back
to you because I'm pretty
sure it's a big old suet
ball..." Big promises
from something without proper
wings, huh? When you don't
know the language, just smile
and wave. The last day of
Feb RU Ary already. This month
flew by. I have been in a blue
funk for a while now, so I
guess it would fly by when you
are emerged in self pity. That
is the way self pity gets you
- it steals your thoughts and
disrupts your space/time
continuum and I let it do that
to me all this month. Not a
smart woman am I sometimes.
Time to get off my pity pony
and buck up as it were, aye? My husband goes
back to work Monday. Hurray. I
am sorry he had to suffer
through cancer. I can
sympathize, really I can, but
I AM GLAD HE WILL GET OUT OF
THE HOUSE AND GO BACK TO WORK.
(I'm sorry, did I scream that?
Yes, Yes I did.) It wouldn't
be so bad if we lived in a
bigger house where you could
'escape' and get away from
each other but this house is
the size of a small tea box.
Nowhere to hide. I am looking
forward to having him out and
about again. (He is not, mind
you.) He would really love NOT
to work. He talks about it
often. I tell him he has to
work. If I am working, he is
working. He can't get full
social security benefits (if
it even exists in the future)
until he is 66 years and 8
months old. I can't get full
SS until I'm 67. If I have any
say in the matter, we will
work until those ages, damnit.
Tomorrow is our 40th wedding
anniversary. Half of me thinks
this should be a big deal and
there should be celebrations
galore. The other half says it
shouldn't be a big deal
because it is just one more
day in a series of days until
there are no more days.
Pfffffffffft. Maybe I need to
make an appointment with my
therapist. Next week I am
going to Chicago to visit my
daughter and son in law and
I'm thrilled. I am taking the
train in and on Friday night
we're going to a Theo Katzman
concert. Oh My Stars, how I
love that man's music! It will
be divine. This afternoon I
have a baby shower for a dear
friends daughter's baby and
then tonight I'm painting a
picture for my boss for his
Birthday on Monday. It will be
a good weekend - and a good
week. I'll see you all on the
flip side. March 4, 2020 - Ahhhhhhhh, March. A nice one syllable word - a good solid word. In like a lamb this year... I leave tomorrow for Chicago to visit with my daughter and son in law! I am quite excited. I was so excited at work today I didn't NEED coffee - I was hyper as all get out. I love how you can leave Michigan on a train at 9:15 and end up in Chicago at 10:30 (of course, there is the whole different time zone thing, but on the way there I will just pretend I am warping space and time). I am so excited about walking away from work for a few days and from home for a few days. I feel like I've been planning a prison break and tomorrow IS THE DAY - I'm going over the wall, I tells ya... Breakin' outta of the hoosegow....sneaking outta the stockade as it were. (Insert happy sigh here.) I believe I have everything prepped and ready. Final few things in the morning, of course, but after that I'm ready. My dear neighbor Sue is taking me up to the train station. (Bless you, Sue!) Rocko the Cat has been plopped on my suitcase for two days. (Black suitcase + orange cat = one furry suitcase.) I told him to get off of it several times, but this is the look I get:  My Facebook page reminded me of a post I made one year ago. It was the week before my final BOOST treatment for breast cancer radiation. Honestly, it feels like it was a million years ago. I find it fascinating how a human can put stuff behind them and move on. A trait needed for survival, of course, but in my mind it feels like it was ever so long ago. Lately Dolly has been irritated. I see it will be an ongoing thing with the whole lymph filling up crap. I will be massaging my lymph nodes for the rest of my life. (At least NOW I have an excuse to play with my boob all the time - before it was just a comfort thing.) Smile. March 11, 2020 - To my neighbors who picked up my wayward sticks in the yard yesterday, thank you so much! Very kind of you. I owe you cookies. Smile. I had such a lovely time in Chicago. My Sue took me in to the station, and I enjoyed the train ride A LOT. (Peeing on a train is a challenge, but at least I get to sit down and get thrown about, mainly hitting the toilet bowl. I pity the guys trying to do that standing up.) The trip in was fast - direct ride there. I was thrilled to be by a window as there was so much to see. The trip back was a PACKED train and we had a few extra stops, but still OK. I was amazed how pretty Union Station is - the Great Hall is amazing. The kids treated me like royalty while I was there. They even left mints on my pillows! That made me smile. My daughter and I talked and talked and talked on Thursday night. Good therapy for both of us. We were slightly hoarse on Friday from all our gabbing. We got Chinese for supper on Thursday night and that was very good!! They took me to see the movie "Onward" by Pixar - and it was wonderful and it made me sob at the end. So many emotions that movie brought to the surface for me. The end song really made me sob, "Carried me with you" by Brandi Carlile. We went to see Theo Katzman at Thalia Hall Friday night. OMG - AWESOME CONCERT. I am pretty sure I was the only old person in the whole venue, but that was OK. Old people rock as hard as they young'uns do. (Well, towards the end I had to sit a spell on the side line with the security peeps and they were almost my age, but still...) Saturday we went to the Lincoln Zoo and walked around for as much as I could stand. They have polar bears and zebras and penguins and cool tropical birds and giraffes and all sorts of critters. My feet were flipping me off by then. It was still fun however. I didn't check work ONCE and it was so good to be away from 'life' as it were. I enjoyed people watching from their balcony and decided there is every possible type of dog in their neighborhood - from huge to micro tiny - as people walked by. There was even a dog with a full beard JUST like his owners. That was comical. Wish I had gotten a picture. I got to sleep with Toph, one of my granddogs, who was the most excellent snuggler. I miss a puppy so much. I can't wait to get one of my own. Soon, precious, soon.... Just the mere fact I was AWAY and checked out of 'normal' life made the world of difference. Very wonderful mini vacation. March 12, 2020 - Our little local grocery store is trying its hardest to get in on the panic buying for water and toilet paper and sanitizers. They have carts full of the stuff all over the store. It made me smile at their effort. I almost wanted to hoard studff just to make them feel loved. I guess they had to try… I was clearing my mind last night to try to fall asleep. (I try to meditate and quiet my mind but there are times my brain just forgets to be quiet and wanders off on a totally random path without asking permission first). Before I came home from Chicago, my kids surprised me by stopping at Lush and letting me pick out a couple good bye bath bombs. When we were checking out, there were soap in the shape of houses, with all the sales going to housing the homelss. My daughter told me to pick one out, so I picked out a purple/blue house. I love the scent of it, but everything in the bathroom turns blue! Hahahaha. It rinses right off and the water color almost evokes peaceful feelings, but DAMN, Lush - way to color a soap!  I made
this meme yesterday after our HR sent out a
letter about Covid19 and every facility on the
greater Earth closed down to stop the spread of
the virus. I can't see why people have to hoard
toilet paper, to be honest, but hey - I've seen
several videos about people wiping out several
stores supply of it. So this was my donation to
the greater world during this crisis... l
thought it was quite funny and sent it to a
friend via text because if it made me laugh,
EVERYONE WILL LAUGH, right? My boss will check on me from time to time lately because of all my mental angst I've had the last few months. He commented how much more 'Sandy' like I've been this week. "That trip did you good, but you probably brought back the damned conornovirus..." I think he was serious on both comments. He always says one good thing and one thing that makes you want to hit him with large bags of bricks. I decided to make a doctor visit appointment for Monday as more than one person joked about my Chicago / Virus trip. Sigh. (After all, I was in a crowd of 500+ people dancing and screaming and singing for several hours...) I know they can't tell if I have 'it' as it has to incubate for two weeks but I have had a sore throat since BEFORE I went and my ears were bothering me before I left for my trip as well. I thought if I told people I had gone to the doctor they would stop running away from me. One of the coworkers that always hugs me would not hug me today. He said, "No touchy until this scare is over." So I backed up to him and smashed him in the hip with my hip. Take that. I demand human contact, damnit, one way or another. I doubt very much I could ever stop hugging people. Nope, can't do it. I would have to cloister myself away from all things human, fuzzy, or cuddly. March 15, 2020 - Yesterday evening when I was outside a cardinal hopped up near me. They say cardinals are a way deceased friends and family can let you know they are OK and still out there - I'm not one to believe that, but the bird was the only bird near me so I started to softly say names of loved ones who have passed. When I said "Laura?" the bird hopped closer and looked directly at me. I told 'her' I missed her and the bird flew off. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling even if it was just a bird with a vision problem and didn't see me there until he flew off... I love listening to my birds. (Well, not MY birds - I own no birds personally.) The red winged blackbirds are my favorites when it comes to songs. They are NOT my favorite when it comes to the fact they eat me out of bird seed every day. They have such a cool language and so many sounds. They entertain me to no end even when I'm complaining to them that they are pigs and didn't leave any food for the other birdies. If they were human, I'm pretty sure they would have been the ones who bought all the toilet paper... Not being able to touch/hug people is DRIVING ME NUTS. I saw a couple of old friends yesterday when I was out and about and there was no hugging, just elbow bumping. I HATE THAT. Somebody HUG ME, DAMNIT! My elbows are strictly for bending my arm to get food into my mouth and randomly bashing my 'funny bone' into walls causing me to scream loudly - they were not meant to be a form of greeting. It has been one year since my radiation ended for breast cancer. I lost my sense of taste and smell due to that for a long time afterward. When I went to see my BFF over Memorial Day last year, I couldn't smell or taste anything. Her boyfriend (who had throat cancer and suffered through chemo and radiation) told me that my first 'taste' that would come back was being able to taste eggs, and he was right - the was the first food that tasted like food. God Bless Chickens. My taste is back now, my ability to smell - not so much. (Taste wise, some of the things I missed tasting the most I can now taste, but they don't 'taste' the same. Ugh.) I can't smell things like farts (probably a blessing) and most other things unless I practically shove them up my nose. You will often find me sniffing my own clothes because I can smell the fabric softener up close and it amazes me. When a smell hits me out of the blue, I will stop and enjoy it fully. It is the little things...we often take things for granted. We should all stop and smell the roses as it were while we can. March 19, 2020 - "Strange days, indeed..." Tuesday night I barely got ANY sleep so last night I went to bed at 7 p.m. I was just exhausted. My whole body was tired. I fell right asleep, I'm sure, because when I woke myself up due to the fact my bladder was threatening explosion, I felt so refreshed. I could see the T.V. light from the living room and just assumed it was 4:30ish in the a.m. "Might as well get up, the bladder demands it and I feel very rested..." I thought to myself as I stretched. IT WAS ONLY 9:30 p.m. This humored me to no end. Here I was ready to start my broadcast day and I had only been asleep for 2.5 hours. Hahahahahahahaha. Now it really IS 4:30 a.m. and I am up. I feel much better...again. I started my Thursday twice! (Sandy, seizing the day since 1960...) I think I needed time away from reality last night. No news, no constant harping on Covid 19. I am worried a bit about the Big Three automakers shutting down. The ripple effect for my company and many many companies will be felt, that's for sure. We are not a Tier 1 supplier (to except for one of them) but we are Tier 2 to many people who are Tier 1. Ouch to many companies. More ouchies to come... I miss hugging. I really do. I am a hugger. I can't hug anyone anymore. (Insert sad emoji here.) I normally scoop up anyone in a heartbeat because of my zest for life, but now I am forced to go to the other side of the hallway when I pass people. This is driving me nuts. Plain nuts. I wouldn't feel so bad if Rocko the Cat would snuggle with me, but he HATES me and there will be no snuggling from that cat. I can see it now - people will open speakeasys in sleazy alleyways for human contact. You will have to know the secret knock and everything.... I went to get my pee pads yesterday morning before work. Thank goodness my favorite brand was in stock! I also got a few other things (in case) and when I went to get cat food and cat litter for heathen Rocko, THEY WERE ALMOST OUT OF CAT FOOD! There was NO kitty litter. I am confused how cat litter can assist with Covid 19? Someone explain this to me. Are people going to be using it for toilet paper? Sigh. I suppose I will check at my local grocery store to see if they have any. They might have that, they have little else... March 28, 2018 - So much has changed since I last blogged. Unreal. Covid 19 has me working from home. This is great for ME, but several of our customers at work are 'essential' and we have to have people in the plants. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean, they are out there exposing themselves to the world while my fat ass sits at home. Sigh. I went in to work early Friday morning to change the back up tapes. I sanitized before going in, wore rubber gloves, wiped down my workstation, sprayed it with Lysol, and sanitized when I got back in the car. If I contracted Covid 19, it would kill me and I know this, but my theory of sanitizing was to keep me from giving anything to other people who touch the same things that I touch. Who would have thought this would ever happen in our life time?  Oh, and
last Saturday we got a puppy. His name is
Gnorman. Gnorman is a Great Dane. My house is
not a Great Dane house as it is very very small,
but the opportunity came up to get a free 8 week
old puppy and I took it. I have been missing
Jake so much. I have missed a sleeping buddy. Gnorman has brought me nothing but joy this last week but I had forgotten how hard potty training is! Heck, I have a hard enough time controlling my OWN bladder... In just one week he's grown two inches and gained a few pounds. We took him to the vet on Thursday night. He weighed in at 14.5 pounds. (They come out with masks and gloves and take your dog/cat in, and you wait in the car. The doctor calls you to review the visit, and they bring the animal back out to you.) The tech told me when she brought Gnorman back, "He's scared of everything! You will need to socialize him." I looked at her and laughed out loud and said, "I'll get right on that..." hahahahaha (Covid 19 humor). Gnorman loves to CHEW and CHEW EVERYTHING IN SITE so keeping him busy has been a main goal this last week. He is all legs and lopes about like a moose and trips over himself. I have spent way over 100 dollars on puppy toys so far...I got a ton when we did our weekly essential shopping trip. Dog toys are not essential, I know, but in this case - if I want to have any chairs to sit in - they are essential. We've taken him on little walks outside, but he gets scared. He has already fallen in love with Sophie, Sue and Ron's golden retriever. Sophie could care less about this wee bundle following her. Soon, he will NOT be a wee bundle. He loves Sue and Ron already and Justin, our other neighbor. Technically, I suppose that is socializing him, right? Today when I took a shower I put my hair up in pig tails. When I walked out of the bathroom, the puppy started barking at me! He didn't recognize the hair. I let him smell me and he was all wiggles and licks after that. Gnorman sleeps with me at night. He can go for almost six hours now before having to potty. I will wake up to a puppy on my head, pulling out my hair... I had a panic attack on Monday night. I was doing dishes and looked out the window and sort of fell out of time. That is the only way I can describe it. It hit me out of the blue and I felt unreal and non-existent. I walked outside to feel the breeze and it brought me out of that panic. I sat down and typed to the kids in my family feed. That helped. They all checked in and brought me back into focus. I love my kids. I hope anyone who has a moment like I had reaches out to friends or family. Don't float away. Take advantage of your friends and family to keep you, well, YOU. April 3, 2020 - Greetings and Salutations. I hope you are all well, healthy, and are safe at home. I am sipping a Miller Lite on ice, because I forgot to put it in the fridge... Today I went in to work to change out my backup tapes. I encountered no one but still I wore a face mask and gloves. The face mask didn't have a nose pinch off thing, so every time I breathed I would steam up my glasses. Hahahaha. After that was done, it was off to get essentials from the store. I worked longer than I wanted - I wanted to be at the store by 8 a.m., but didn't get there until 9 a.m. I DID GET FOUR ROLLS OF TOILET!! YAY! I made my husband wear the mask that Sue made him, and I wore my "Sue" mask and gloves. (He wouldn't wear gloves.) We got two weeks worth of essentials. That way we don't have to go out to the store for two weeks and this pleases me. I was happy to see so many people wearing face masks. Mostly homemade ones. As soon as we were out of the store, I properly peeled off my gloves and put them in the garbage. We used hand sanitizer when we got in the car. Once we got home, I made my husband carry in groceries, then put his clothes in the washer, and get in a shower. While he was doing that, I took Lysol wipes and wiped off EVERYTHING we bought. That was tedious, but necessary in my mind. After I was done putting those away, I put my clothes in the washer and jumped in the shower. NO need to take any chances. As I've said before, if I got Covid - it would kill me. I am not ready to be killed, personally. I mean, I had grander ideas of how I would go out...like choking to death winning a hot dog eating contest or something... As I said, my friend/neighbor Sue made us two washable face masks. She also went and got us two elephant ears from a fair concession stand that set up down the road. What is better than fried dough!??! I have honestly never had an elephant ear before. This was my first. It didn't last long! Thank you so much to my awesome friends/neighbors for treating us like royalty! They have been nothing but a blessing for years. I just made some hand sanitizer (1 cup 70% isopropyl alcohol and 1/3 cup aloe vera gel). I am almost out of the bottle I got to take to Chicago, and you cannot find any ANYWHERE. I am lucky I had alcohol "in stock" - but just that one bottle. You can't find isopropyl alcohol anywhere, either. Sigh. Had to stop at the pharmacy today to pick up maintenance meds and they had a sign next to their drive up window stating what they didn't have - which was mainly everything. This beer is NOT going down so I guess I will dump it and go soak in a hot bath. Be safe my loves. Consider yourselves hugged!  April 5,
2020 - OMG - GNORMAN IS IN HIS TERRIBLE
TWOS! He is a demon! He was NOT going to sleep
last night, so I left him in the living room to
play. I needed to sleep. He would come in and
cry every so often, so I'd lift him in to bed
where he would promptly attack my hair and face
and hands and arms. Sigh. He has to chew
constantly. He was outside a lot today so I hope
he sleeps better. I doubt this will be the case.
He's just in a new phase of puppy-ness. I must
be patient. Every time I look at him, I swear I
can see him growing... He did finally fall
asleep after stealing my Maxine doll this
morning after I woke up... When I got my tennis
shoes on for the first time since we've had
Gnorman, he tried very hard to defend me from
these foreign things, barking and prancing and
attacking those shoes. He makes me laugh
constantly, I must say, but damn, Gnorman - TAKE
A NAP, WILL YA?I fear the world this will be after the Covid 19 runs its course. In America people will be suing everyone including themselves over all of this. The greediness and stupidity of humans as a herd animal will be worse than before, I fear. I am starting to see it in some comments posted on Facebook... I have stopped watching the news on TV because there is nothing really to report on anymore except Covid 19. Sigh. You would think people would use this time to reconsider their mind sets and refocus on what is really important in their lives. Americans will not. We're not that bright.  April 8, 2020 - My
daffodils are blooming! Yay! Hope springs
eternal! I love daffodils. My favorite flower
next to carnations. We had the windows open yesterday and it was grand! Fresh air!! Gnorman went out several times with me just to roam the yards. I've got to get him used to leash soon, though. Eventually he will not be afraid and bolt off at the speed of sound, loping into the sunset. I do appreciate the fact that Gnorman has kept me grounded during all these uncertain times. A blessing. (Remind me I said he was a blessing when he's 12 foot tall and 200 lbs.) At this point in his wee life, Gnorman thinks EVERYTHING IS HIS and will haul off various items he probably shouldn't haul off to chew on. Ah, babies. I always know when he's gotten something he probably knows he shouldn't, as he will squirrel it away in his crate area to play with it... I just opened the windows again today. It's 60 degrees. Let the sun in... April 12, 2020 - Captivity Day 23... I have the movie from Lord of the Rings "Two Towers" on in the background. I've watched it a million times. The ending has yet to change, but I did like the movies and it is good white noise. More layoffs took place on Friday at work. Production workers got it first (the week before) and this last Friday it was salary and salary exempt. A company does what it must do to survive during these odd times. I was not on the list. (I can push too many important buttons to be laid off.) Those of us still working from home got a pay cut, and the salary non-exempt were cut to a 4 day work week. I did go in on Friday to do tapes. Masks are required and I excelled at steaming up my glasses. Hahahaha. I wore gloves as well. I can't watch the news anymore, I just can't. Going on to Facebook is also a depressing thing. Oh sure, there are the funny memes. This is one of my favorites so far....  We took Gnorman out for a leash walk and he was doing quite well. He has a goofy saunter when he runs which tickles me to no end. Kind of like a hyper active drunk John Wayne. He saw the dogs next door and we made our way to the neighbor's porch and had a beer. Gnorman was so happy to be interacting with the other dogs. I was just happy to talk to real humans. We were good and kept our distance from each other. It so helped break of the 'Stay At Home' feeling. Gnorman slept well last night as well. I suppose I will go pluck my beard. No need to go full circus lady just because I'm home all the time.... April 15, 2020 - I will vent a small bit about something I saw on the news. I try to stay away from the news but like to update myself once a day at least. I live in Michigan and today was the protest in Lansing where people drove in from all over and grid-locked the streets in protest of our Governor's rule on what has to be closed. People kind of took it in stride with the first 'stay home stay safe' but they went insane when she closed nursery's for plants, contractors for lawns and construction, etc. I understand their grief. As a collective group of humans, we don't trust politicians,and actually WE SHOULDN'T. Most politicians are just out for themselves and forget the common crowd that voted them into power and we SHOULD question authority. However, some of the interviews they had on the news (from the people who got out of their vehicles and protested on foot) just made my jaw drop. None of them had on face masks or gloves. The one interview that pushed me over the edges was a man who was happy to comment on why he was there, and when questioned about not wearing a mask he said, "I'm a Christian. Christians know God will keep them safe." Ummmmmmmm.... I love God as much as the next guy. Heck, anyone who made the beautiful, complicated Universe is alright by me. However, I know for a fact God didn't cause this pandemic and God isn't going to fix it. You can pray to soothe you mind, of course, since praying is a good form of therapy. You should pray to give thanks for what you have. Leaving self protection from a communicable disease up to God, however, does not work. God has bigger fish to fry. You being a stupid and going out without proper protection IS STUPID. Even God can't fix stupid. Protest all you want. Isn't that why we're blessed to live in the United States? Free speech and all? BUT DON'T BE AN ASS, PLEASE. God helps those who help themselves.... Gnorman weighs 21.5 pounds now. He is growing at a phenomenal rate. I knew this when I took a Great Dane puppy but to see it happening on a daily basis AMAZES ME. Normally you don't see how big your puppy is until you don't see him for a while but Norman grows AS YOU LOOK AT HIM!! Hahahahahaha. He is still being sassy and talks back, but less like a two year old toddler. Now he argues with you but more like he's trying to defend his actions at the time. I adore that damned dog. (By the way, his name has gone from Gnorman to NORMAN!! or when he's sweet it's NORMY, and various other words not fit for print when he eats the carpet...) April 19, 2020 - Last night when I went to bed I could not get comfortable. I grabbed the remote to my Sleep Number bed and bumped it up to a firmness of 85. This turned out to be even worse so I pushed the 'down' arrow button on the remote and it started to go berserk - the lights were all flashing and it took it down to 0. As I sunk into the bed I frantically pushed on the buttons but to no avail. "Needs new batteries...tell my family I love them...." I mumbled as I continued to sink in further. Then I saw the heart sign on the remote (that is your favorite setting) and hit that. Back up the bed inflated and all was well and I was no longer lost at sea as it were. (It still needs new batteries, I'm pretty sure). Norman woke me up at 4:15 this morning. He nibbled at my ear lobe and licked my neck and I could feel his breath in my ear (which by rights is one of the paragraphs from my romance novel I'm writing) and woke me up in a wonderful way (except it was a puppy doing it and not a man, damnit). So now I am up and Norman is back to sleep under my desk. Sigh. He won't be able to fit under my desk for much longer. He won't be able to fit most anywhere in my house, actually. This will be very interesting. Maybe as pay back I should get down there and chew on his ear to wake him up next time I have to pee... When I got up with Norman, Rocko the cat wanted out. I let Rocko out and Norman followed Rocko but only went out to pee and came right back in. The cat was up in the kitchen window withing minutes, scratching frantically at the glass to get back in. When I let Rocko in I could hear coyotes carrying on rather close by. No wonder the cat wanted in! The coyotes were being very vocal. (I always wonder what I'm hearing every time this happens so I come back in to the 'puter and listen to samples of foxes and coyotes to determine which critter is scaring the hell out of my cat.) Today my husband and the neighbor men are going to raise a barn. (Not really - they are putting up new fencing for the dog pen so it can hold Super Norman once he grows more. Saying 'raise a barn' sounded funnier.) I have the best neighbors IN THE WORLD. I couldn't ask for better even if I formed them from clay and gave them life myself. Norman loves them too, but he loves their dogs better. He loves it when the other dogs come over so he can pummel them with his huge puppy paws. Thwack. April 22, 2020 - I picked a piss poor time to get a puppy. Well, not really - but kind of. I am home with the booger and he's learned to potty outside like a pro. That is a plus. However, he needs socialization to get over being afraid of everything, and I CAN'T DO THAT FOR HIM. You can't socialize now... He has socialized with the neighbors and their dogs, but that is it. When we took him to the vet for his first puppy shots the tech said, "Make sure you socialize him! He's scared of everything." I just looked at her like she told me the worst joke ever. "I'll get right on that..." I replied. Sigh. Plus, if we ever get to go 'back to normal' the poor dog will have a mental breakdown from loneliness! I will have to start crating him soon when I go out and work in the yard or something - to get him used to 'alone time'... I think it has to be turkey season in Michigan. I'm pretty sure. There was a lot of 'gobbling' in the woods across the road, and I'm pretty sure it was NOT a real turkey. It lacked 'class' and sophistication of a turkey. Someone was trying out their turkey calls, for sure. If I was a turkey, I'd look at my friends and say, "Holy Crap, what is wrong with Bob?" The turkeys are "in the mood" at this time so you constantly see males all puffed up running around a group of females. The females just go about their business, picking at the ground while these poor guys are trying so hard to impress them. I have always enjoyed watching a large number of turkeys from a distance - you can't see their feet so it looks like they are floating. The men got the fence up. Thank you so much Ron and Justin. Justin is younger than us and he did the most of the hard work - digging the post holes and all. Praise be to damned good neighbors. Norman can run around now like a heathen when he wants to and my granddogs also have a large space for when they visit...if we ever get to see them again ... stupid Covid... April 23, 2020 - I think...not totally sure - the 'Rona days run together like hot butter on a fire...where am I? Who am I? Good Lord - Norman is an idiot the last two days. (Have I said this before? He goes in phases...) He is in such a sassy mood, talking back and pouting when he gets told 'NO' loudly (which usually follows an attack by razor sharp puppy teeth and splatters of blood). I know he's having growing pains. I feel for the poor dude. His legs are growing fast and that has got to hurt. I remember my one cousin, as a youth, grew too fast for his bones or body (I forget which) but it had to hurt and cause issues. I do feel bad for Norman. He is learning to run but still has not perfected the art of stopping. He sleeps with me and last night he was very mad at me for something (I forget what) so he just slept at the foot of the bed instead of cuddling with me. This made me laugh. When I woke up to later in the night to pee, he was back up near me all cuddled up but he went to sleep angry. He got to see the neighbor dogs today and that helps his attitude a lot. I know he's lonely. He loves Lucy the pit bull and adores Sophie the Golden (but she was not out today) and he likes Steve (who is some kind of combo of all muscles, not much intelligence, dalmatian, cheetah, and a greyhound, I'm sure.) Steve is a big, strong, dumb dog. Norman should pass him in height in about 4 weeks... Some of our customers are going to kick in production around the first of May so I am going to guess they will call people back. (Production people. Things are still very lean and I'm sure they will call back the bare minimum to get things up and going.) Not sure how long us office types will work from home. I'm getting to hate that. I can't spread out and work like at the office and I miss big projects that force me to think (and swear a lot). I've bitched about work for decades. Maybe I won't do that so much if things ever get better... May 2, 2020 - I noticed at work when I went it to change tapes on Friday that I had written the date with the year '2017' several times. What is up with that? Possible stroke on my part? Dementia? Taking bets...  Gnorman has grown and grown
and is such a goofy puppy. Everything is HIS
and he has to chew EVERYTHING. (Very cute,
actually, but not so much when he's stealing
toilet paper from your hand in the
bathroom.) He met the mail lady the other
day. She came to the door to drop off a box.
I opened the door so she could meet Norman.
Norman pranced back and forward and back and
forward. He was not sure about this new
person. She was talking to him the whole
time and offering him a cookie. Finally he
went up for the cookie, then backed up, then
went right to her. I told her to ask for a
kiss (because he will give kisses on cue)
and she did and he did. I think Norman made
a new fan.He gets so upset with is body parts and will talk to his legs/feet and tail a lot. "Quit touching me!" attitude. He is as confused about his rapid gigantic growth as we are amazed. Although, I will admit - I knew this would happen when I got the puppy. I have enjoyed his little stages - puppy stages - thoroughly. The last six weeks - well, I have not laughed this much in a long, long time. It has been good. Him and I have bonded. I missed bonding with a critter. (Hell, I miss bonding with other humans!) Today he gets to meet my Granddog Watson, and this will be interesting. Watson will like you if you are not aggressive. Norman is aggressive to a point since he wants to play so badly with other dogs. Watch the news for "Fat old woman gets ripped to pieces trying to break up a dog fight..." I wanted to spew forth thoughtful things in today's blog but I have nothing thoughtful to say. The last week Dolly the Boob has been sore. I am sure this is normal since I've not been religious about maintaining the lymph juice flow. You have to stimulate your lymph paths to keep fluid from building up and I've stopped doing that. I'm a bad girl. I need to get back to feeling myself up...someone's has to do it. The last week I have thought a lot about how violent humans are. Worse than wild dogs with rabies. European people over ran the Americas and took what they wanted... However, before that, Indians in the Americas were sacrificing people to please their gods and warring for lands and .... Ugh. I am just plain confused about being human. We can say, "Why can't we all just get along?" but that is impossible being humans and all. I have just been very perplexed by our species. (I was perplexed at how to spell 'species' as well, but thank you built in dictionary for clearing up the conflict I was having over 'i' before 'e' but in some cases, that rule means nothing...) I suppose all we can do is be good humans or at least the best we can be, and not shoot other people for no reason and not steal or covet other people's things and to help where you can help and give what you can give and just BE. Sigh. I feel inside my head the way Norman feels about his tail - it's overwhelming and bothers me and the only thing I can do about it is chew on my thoughts... Oh, on a lighter note - after I was done at work yesterday morning I went to the greenhouse around the corner from my house and got two flats of pansies and four hanging baskets. I know it's early, but I HAD TO. Once I hung the planters, I let out a big sigh and felt better about life. I was OCD'ing over stupid flowers. YOU NEED FLOWERS! PUT UP SOME FLOWERS!! The funny part is it means nothing to anyone else. It's just ME. I will plant the pansies today and push mow since I'm not allowed to use the riding mower. (My husband fixed the riding lawn mower and has stated he wants to mow today instead of me to make sure it's working and all but in my head I heard, "I am pretty sure you broke it to begin with so stay the heck away from my damned mower"). I tried to remember when I could have boogered up the John Deer and I remember I did drink heavily last spring when I was done with cancer treatments and had my mental breakdown so I may have driven the mower in an inebriated state and possible hit protruding tree roots at a high speed at times and possible tried to dominate other large items. A John Deer can only take so much of an old, fat woman losing her mind. I'll be good and push mow and plant my posies. May 10, 2020 - I got to sleep in until 7:43 a.m. this morning!!! What wondrous gift from the gods is this?!?!?! (Insert angels singing here...) Yesterday Norman got me up a 5:03 a.m. which I thought was totally uncalled for (until I saw the puddle he peed out after we went outside. Now I know why they call Michigan the Great Lake state...) My boys came over yesterday and brought Watson. (Mind you, I had been bombarding them with texts prior to their visit along the lines of 'BOTH OF YOU TAKE A SHOWER AND WEAR CLEAN CLOTHES! I DON'T WANT YOUR COVID COOTIES and 'SANITIZE YOUR FACIAL HAIRS WITH SCALDING HOT WATER.') I made spaghetti pie for them. Watson and Norman did well together. I should say, Watson did a good job trying to tolerate Norman. Norman was so excited to have a 'friend' that he went puppy insane and was trying to maul Watson. Finally Watson did what he had to do, he sat on Norman. Another time he flattened Norman with his huge paws and covered Norman's face with his body. I am pretty sure he was saying "That is about enough, young man!" Poor Watson - but I am very proud of how he handled the whole situation. Kudos to my granddog for trying. I have seven orioles at my feeders! They are so pretty, and there are six males and one female. (Dang, girl...you go!) They have gone through almost a full large jar of grape jelly and two oranges. There has been one hummingbird that my husband saw on the hummingbird feeder. I can't wait to see one for myself. It makes life so official when you see your first hummingbird for the year. May 13, 2020 - Life is now official - I saw a hummingbird. Phew. I was getting a bit riled up not seeing one myself yet... You know you own a Great Dane when your house is strewn with drool clean up rags. Norman drinks and leaves a trail afterwards as he prances through the house and slimes us and the furniture. Right now, it is adorable, really. That huge puppy face all goobered up and all. I am sure I will change my tune when he's 150 lbs. and creating puddles. Norman had a stare down the other morning with a doe outside the dog pen. I watched them as they watched each other. Norman didn't bark or really react except you could see a thought bubble above his head that said, "I am so glad I'm on this side of the fence..." The deer's thought bubble said, "What is that thing? A moose?" After an intense moment, she scampered off to the back woods, her white tails bouncing all over. Norman turned to me when I went out and just shook his head. May 16, 2020 - I got my fairy gardens done today. My husband mowed and I played in dirt. Playing in dirt is one of my most favorite things. As a child, I was a dedicated sand box kid, building elaborate sand dwellings and roadways for my plastic animals. Dirt suits me. I also got out the last of my yard stuff to decorate the yard. It is fun setting it up. Taking it down in the fall is a chore. I still want filler stuff for my fairy gardens (where the dirt still shows). I picked up wood chips today since we were at the Farm and Fleet store - thinking that would be OK and they didn't look OK. (If you need hickory chips for your barbecue, I have two bags you are welcome to!) We need to do an essential grocery store run tomorrow so I will look there. Even fish stone might work. I thought I still had a bag of fake moss to use, but either I threw it away or some mice are living the high life with awesome carpet. I got to sleep in today until almost 8 a.m. Amazing. It felt wrong. Normally I'm up by 5:15 a.m. and start my broadcast day. Why is this so amazing, you ask? Well, because Norman and I held our bladder FOR EXTRA HOURS so it IS amazing! The puppy is developing control even as I am losing mine. Sunrise, sunset.... May 19, 2020 - It has been reported to me that I have a 'dark' side when it comes to humor the last several years. I suppose this is true. I do make a lot of jokes about "burying the bodies in the burn pile" or "that person makes me want to rent a wood chipper..." and such. I sort of pooh-poohed all of this talk of me being 'dark' until just a bit ago when I was looking a wonderful article about birds and saw this picture:  There
were several cute captions for this picture
such as "Hop To It" and "Don't fly off the
handle!" - but immediately out of my mouth
came "Get the Hell off my Lawn!"
So, yes - the "Dark Side" is coming out more and more. Does this mean I will be totally Darth Vadar by the time I'm 70? No, no it does not. (I doubt I'll live to see 70, so that's why. Smile.) I suppose I will start documenting my 'dark' humor here - to keep me in check. On the down side of life perhaps we all go a bit 'dark'? I am still filled with naive wonder at the beauty of the world around me, though. I am amazed every day at life. I think the dark part started coming out several years ago after I waxed poetic about life and choosing to be happy on Facebook because I was on such an emotional HIGH concerning my life at the time and my old piano teacher from the 70s responded to my post and wrote that I didn't have a real grasp on real life. I may be happy but there are millions of people out there dying from starvation and finding themselves in the middle of wars and being executed for their beliefs and ... she went on and on about my ignorance of reality. That slapped me in the face a bit. She was, of course, correct - but should that stop me from feeling happy? Lucky? Alive? Ever since then I feel guilty for being so damned happy seeing birds come to my feeders and seeing the squirrels act like spastic idiots in the yard. I am a old,fat woman who has a good job and has awesome kids and I feel guilty for having so much food to eat and the opportunity to have a good life. Sigh. Life is confusing....life is dark... I deal with it the best I can. Norman threw a loud tantrum the other day and it was hilarious. He had sat under my desk quietly shredding the dog bed I had there for him. When I finally realized what he was doing I scolded him loudly, got a garbage bag and threw away that dead dog bed. HE WAS UPSET. He barked and barked then got in his other bed and rolled around talking back to me for a long time. Ah, kids. I have laughed more the last eight weeks at that dog than I have in years. May 21, 2020 - I have to express my glee over something - I think the whole episode (mentioned above about my joy of life being smashed and wiped across a pile of dog poop) was after I had heard the "I love the whole world" aka BOOM DE YADA song that Discovery came out with in 2009 to promote themselves - I adored that and must have listened to it 6000 times and THAT is when I posted about my joy of LIFE. So I was feeling kind of down after remembering all that, but Wednesday night I was watching the Discovery Channel and they played A NEW VERSION OF THAT SONG - 2020 VERSION!! I cried happy tears. It was a sign from that it is OK to feel HAPPY to be alive and to LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD. Really - this was a big deal for me...I'm a cheap date. Norman, as a coworker, has been a challenge. He is pretty good all morning until 11:30, then realizes I am paying no attention to him. Today he jumped up on me and stated this fact loudly. I took him outside for a while to romp with the neighbor "kids"... He also is reminding me it is time for his lunch. Like having a toddler :) May 23, 2020 - Well, I won't be going to jail. This is a good thing. My husband's recliner (where he spends 3/4 of his time) was breaking and squeaking like a mouse on acid. It was getting worse and worse. He sleeps in that thing and he would fall asleep after supper and it would squeak in time with his breathing. I have been sharpening all my knives because I was about to go postal on the chair and him. Back on Mother's day, he asked me what I wanted. I said, "I want you to buy a new damned chair for yourself for Father's Day!!" A local furniture place opened up this weekend, and he got a new chair. Thank goodness. No jail time for me - this time... **To note, you may notice the above paragraph was kind of 'dark' humor. I see that, but actually, not humor at all. Stating facts only. That's not dark, that's just plotting a murder. There is a difference... Norman weighed in at 48 pounds at the Vet Friday night. Yikes. He got the last of his 'puppy' shots and his first rabies shot. He is doing well, they said. "He's a good boy!" they insisted. I had taken Norman with me on Thursday afternoon to drop off a fecal sample for one last worm test so we'd have the results by Friday's visit. He was insistent that he assist me in my driving duties. I fended off his help as much as I could without careening out of control. When we got to the Vet, they have a drive up window for prescription pick up and poop sample drop off. Once Norman saw a human in that window he flew over me and tried to go through the window to greet the nice lady. He knocked off the button on the window sill they had to alert them you are there...I managed to pass off the baggie sample and got him back over to the passenger side so I could turn around to come home. THEN he decided he would help by wedging himself behind me as I drove and hanging his head out my window. We live less that five minutes away from the Vet so I let him do it as I was squished up against the steering wheel hoping I didn't see a policeman. When we got home, he attempted to fly out of the car before I got the safety belt off and got caught up in the belt and I was trying to juggle a 48 pound puppy so he didn't break his legs in the strap and to make a long story shorter, I ended up shutting my hand in the car door. I would like to stress that this was painful. My hand has several severed layers of skin and blood blew down the side of my tan car and the initial pain was a 90 on a scale of 0 to 100. I didn't scream or swear, amazingly. I just took a deep breath in and pushed the pain away mentally and herded Norman in to the house. Heads up to my friends who invest - I would definitely go with Band-aid Brand if you are looking to diversify... May 27, 2020 - We had pop up thunderstorms yesterday. It got up to 90 degrees outside and every once in a while the weather would muster together a line of thunderstorms. The winds were NUTS. The rain was torrential. I had just stepped outside with Norman when one of those crazy winds kicked in. It was going everywhere - no specific direction - and suddenly there was a very loud C R A C K. Amazing what can run through your mind in a split second. Norman was frozen in fear and I was quickly scanning every tree in my line of site to determine if I was going to be killed by a falling tree. It turned out to be the neighbor's tree. It was a beautiful tall tree I've watched grow since 1985. In my mind, that tree was very solid and could withstand anything. I was wrong. It must have suffered a down draft (I didn't see lightning) as half of it fell towards my neighbor's house. I just stood there watching. Not much one can do to stop a falling tree. It missed the front of his house, thank goodness. Plop. I ran in and called him and when he answered I said, "Holy Crap! Did you hear that!!" and he said, "Hear what?" I told him to look at the tree between us. "When did that happen!!!" he exclaimed. "Just now! Crack! Plop!" Needless to say, that was the highlight of my day. I wonder how many nest and babies were terminated due to that tree splitting? Yesterday, they brought back the majority of the people in production who were laid off. Yesterday, I bet we reset a billion user passwords. Smile. It is like going on Christmas break in High School and totally forgetting your locker combination. The CEO has yet to state when the rest of us working from home will go back. I hope soon. I miss my office. I miss humans. I have a LARGE crate coming for Norman that should be here today. It will be bigger than our living room, I'm pretty sure, but Sir Chomps a Lot has to be contained until he realized the world is not his chew toy. I expect that comes around 2 years old? We'll see. At least he will have a large crate for when I do go back in to the office. Norman is growing so fast and has such a time dealing with his own body. His legs don't work like he wants them and he is unsure on how to reach itches with his back paws. He is a gangly pre-teen sort of dog. He is ultimately spoiled, however. At night when he is SO TIRED he can barely walk he will come in to the bedroom with me (he sleeps with me) and plop down by the bed. When he was little I would just scoop him up and put him on the bed but by now he's 50 pounds and I am not going to do that. He will look at me with those eyes (which will melt a glacier with their pure adorableness) to try to get me to lift him up, but I will just get in to bed. He has to at least put his front gigantic paws up so I can boost him up from the rear. Eventually, after crying a bit, he WILL put the front of his body up on the bed so I can boost him in, but man - his legs are so tall it should just be a step up!! Damned kids!! I saw a picture of his brother on Facebook, and Norman is not as buff as his brother is. His brother gets to play with other great danes so I imagine that helps in the muscle department. Norman just gets to maul the neighbor dogs and drool all over them until they retreat back to their yards. Norman does NOT like thunder and lightning!! He got under the covers and complained loudly on Monday night when it stormed. I think thunderstorms are peaceful so I barely woke during his panic attack. I muttered, "It's just God bowling, go back to sleep..." and that's all I remember. Last night he was constantly on high alert and barking at EVERYTHING when it was storming outside. A magazine had pages moving due to the fan and he spent a half hour reading the dog riot act to that magazine. When I showed it to him and put it on the floor for him to sniff, he danced around it barking his full head off. Sigh. I should be safe from door to door magazine salesmen... May 28, 2020 - Day 74 of the work from home edict. My hips hurt from this crappy desk chair I am forced to use at my tiny desk in my tiny house. My internet provider has had issues popping out and back on a lot the last few days. I want to go back to the office. (Never thought I'd say that, ever...)  The dog crate I ordered
came and it was assembled and it took up
most of my living room. Hahahahaha. There
is no way I can have a crate for a 'full
sized' giant breed of dog in my house. It
has been packed up and stored in a shed
for now. Technically, I suppose I could
put siding on the crate and have it as a
spare bedroom I suppose. The kids were
right - we're going to have to add on a
'wing' to the house just to accommodate
Norman. In the mean time, I believe a trip
to a real pet store is in order.I bought myself an ice maker a few weeks ago as well as a 'Clearly Filtered' water pitcher. Our water in these parts is just horrid and full of iron and rust and is the reason I have nothing white. (If it was white, it's now orange...) I use the filtered water to make ice in my new ice maker. I love the ice it makes. I call it 'nipple ice' due to it's shape when it comes out. I go through a lot of ice since I'm so hot blooded. (Check it and see...) However, the new ice maker makes odd noises. For a week or so it sounded like a cat stuck behind the fridge and there are times I think I hear voices, but it's the ice maker making sounds. This cracks me up. How many times have I gotten up to look for the cat and/or see who was talking outside my back door - A LOT, I TELLS YA! The neighbor got to use his new chain saw to cut up the split tree in his yard. He did that whole clean up by himself. I was so worried he'd cut off a limb that I showered early in the day so I'd be ready to speed him to ER if it happened. Smile. No body parts were lost, thank goodness. The amount of rain we've received this week is just phenomenal. We mowed the lawn last Thursday night and it needed it again by Monday! I am not sure when we'll get to mow again since it has been raining so much. By the time we get to mow we'll have to bring in a baler. June 6, 2020 - This
morning when I stumbled out of the bedroom not
totally awake, my husband said, "There's an asteroid
speeding towards Earth!" As I plopped down on the
toilet I said loudly, "It's about time!! Thank
Goodness!! About time Earth started over...." That
was my mindset at 6 a.m. today. Blow it up. BLOW
IT ALL UP! I want a vacation but I have
no back up at work because they laid off my back up
person, so I can't have time off. I have discussed
this with my boss.
Right now I am drinking a cup of coffee at nine p.m. because I wanted one so I'm doing it. I know you should drink coffee late in the day if you want to sleep. I have a feeling that this cup of coffee will not stop me from sleeping. We did grocery shopping this morning, picked up prescriptions, got gas, visited with my Mom in Law and Sister in Law and mowed the yard. I honestly didn't feel that well this morning - I felt 'angry' and my body was sore but I feel much better know after the day of activity. Sometimes you have to get up and work through your mental state. I've hurt my hip/lower back somehow. I went to the chiro and he jumped on the appropriate places to help it and showed me an exercise to do to stretch out the muscles back there. It is starting to feel a bit better, but after two hours on a lawn mower I am reminded that it still hurts. I hate limping. I feel old when I limp from pain. Then I realize I AM OLD so I feel worse. Sigh. Life confuses me. Norman razzled and dazzled my Mom in Law and Sister in Law. He took right to them and slobbered on them right away which is a sure sign of Great Dane acceptance. While we talked he would find sticks and destroy them. He IS teething and sometimes you can tell he's quite upset from the fact his mouth hurts so much. I give him an old rag that has been in the freezer and he LOVES ice cubes, so I've tried to help him out a bit. When we were playing tug of war, I could see the new teeth coming in and a couple of holes where he's lost some more. Work was very worky last week. A lot to do. I think I will start going in to the office every other day. My boss says I should work from home as long as I can. I just want to go back from time to time. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I miss being at work. I know, what IS wrong with me? I do not know why I want to be there? How many times have I whined on this blog about wanting to run away from work or being so upset with work that I felt I could leave? Probably like a million times. However, I've been at that place my whole adult life and I feel I need to be ON SITE. We'll see how it goes. Thursday I went in to work for half a day and came home for the afternoon. Norman did OK in his crate, but he was MAD. I've spoiled him rotten. I didn't bring him a toy or give him a treat when I got home so he acted out the rest of the day. He even bit at the neighbor dog, Steve, when I was giving out treats to the group of doggies. No WAY I'm going to have an aggressive dog that will eventually be bigger than my car!! I talked to the lady I got the dog from (she has raised and fostered MANY dogs) and she gave me tips on how to 'un-spoil' Norman. I had to admit I've totally spoiled him. Now I have to reverse the damage I've done. I've gotten more strict with him and if he gets out of control I will put him on the floor and make 'mad' noises at him. He's doing a bit better now. Leave it to the Mom to raise a spoiled brat. I get to see my oldest son tomorrow and grand dog Watson. He is coming over and we'll eat lunch and hang out. The wee one is off on some weekend adventure so it will just be him and Watson. I hope the two dogs get along. I hope my daughter and son in law come "home" soon, too. I miss them tons. They are letting salons and barbers go back to work on June 15th. I was so thrilled. My roots are at least two inches grown out, which makes me wonder if I will finally just let it happen. Just grow it out and stop coloring it. I've gone back and forth on this topic thousands of times in my mind. I should just let it go - be gray and natural. No matter what I do, I STILL NEED A HAIR CUT IN THE WORST WAY!!! I have had scissors in my hand more than once, poised in mid air to cut my bangs. Sandy does a poor job cutting hair. I have no inclination on the proper way to do it. So far I've been able to talk myself out of cutting my own hair. I will email my 'girl' and see how soon she can fix me once they open up. Time to bale the hay. June 10, 2020 - I get my hair sheared on June 20th!! YAY! Everyone has bought all the headbands in the world to make masks with - so finding any I like has been hard and keeping my bangs north of the border is nearly impossible. I could staple them, I suppose. I am going to let it go gray, though - final decision. Sigh. BUT I WANT MY BANGS FIXED!! Plus I want someone to touch my hair, honestly. I'm a hair whore - I love my hair played with. It is so relaxing. I posted a picture of Norman trying to sleep on his bed on the floor, but he has outgrown it, so more or less he was using it as a pillow. After taking his picture, I was concentrating on work when he decided to eat that bed. There was green fluff everywhere! Ugh. I cleaned that up and put the remains of the bed in a garbage bag. I had a bigger bed on order that was due to get delivered last night, thank goodness. So what is the first ting Norman does? He flips it over to chew off the tags. (Those have since been cut off.) Now I have the couch cover in the washer (he will sleep on the couch if the couch cover is on it) so he is sleeping in his crate. COME ON - THERE IS A NEW FLUFFY BED ON THE FLOOR, DUDE!?? Sigh - Kids. June 15, 2020 - I love where I live. I've said it a million times, but I LOVE WHERE I LIVE. Nature all over, not too far from town, critters of every kind...I feel like Snow White sometimes. My boss has asked that I still not come in to work yet. I am working fine from home and I should stay working from home as long as possible. He is calling the cancer card on me - "You had CANCER!" and "YOU ARE VULNERABLE!" Sigh. The only thing I do enjoy about working from home is the lack of the need to wear a bra and the full time jammie ensemble rotation and no shoes. THAT I could get used to! I have begged my boss for vacation time and he is bringing back my only backup on June 22nd! Yay! I have to put in my request for time off now... Just because you are working from home doesn't mean you don't need time away from work. I didn't get my normal week off in May, which is tradition. June 16, 2020 - The birds are gathering on the dog fence and in the yard this morning. (They are about to go Alfred Hitchcock on me, I'm pretty sure.) I've let the feeders run out and the suet is gone... This is unacceptable to about 22 birds now protesting outside. Sigh. Norman must be going through a growing streak because currently his back end is higher than his front and he sleeps all morning then turns into an over caffeinated Tasmanian devil in the afternoons. I keep my pee pads in the bathroom of course and had to put a cupboard in there just for them as Norman thought they were grand fun to pull out of the bag and chew up. Well, the booger figured out I keep a couple of 'spare' ones near the toilet area in the magazine rack and it has become tradition for him to haul those out after he eats in the morning until I catch him. My husband will say, "Oops, Norman has a breakfast pad again..." It is funny. Norman has been nothing but a slobbering mass of adorable fun. The kids are all coming home for the weekend of the 26th and I will have to remind them of where we keep the toilet paper now...it's hidden from the boy. Norman also will forage in the bedroom on my night stand and often I will catch him with one of my hand braces or hankies or hair scrunchies...as adorable as it is - the boy is a kleptomaniac. I put in for my vacation in July. My back up will be back on site and I can be free of 'work' related stuff. YAY!! I will book many hair appointments that week. I will totally enjoy that week. I don't think I'll fix a meal once. Since March I have been cooking every night and I'M SICK OF IT. How many things can you do with chicken?? (Well, quite a lot, but I'm tired of trying to stay creative.) Last night I finely chopped up mushrooms and mixed in with lean hamburger and made patties plus I had made potato salad at lunch time. It was delicious. My taste for red meat has diminished as I get older, especially for the taste of hamburger, but with mushrooms mixed in the burger is nice and juicy and 'lite' and I loved it. Every time I'm in the kitchen for my whole entire adult life, I think of my Mom. She made all cooking look effortless. (It is not effortless. I wish I had known then what I know now so I could have raved over her mad kitchen skills.) I am amazed of how much stuff that poor woman had to do. There was one benefit of growing up in the Depression - she learned to cook a lot from nothing. This talent has come in handy over the years for me. I thank her every time I bake. I had always wanted to hand this down to my daughter, but my daughter seems to be doing just fine. She just won't have the book of knowledge - kitchen wise - that I do. However, you can Google ANYTHING so it is not like the art is dead. However, if the internet goes down - it will be my time to shine and teach her. My Mom could sew as well, and most of my clothes were made by hand. I would tell Mom what I wanted and TA DAH, I had a jumper or a shirt or...it was quite amazing. The only thing I've sewn was that pink pig in home ec class in 7th grade and replacement of buttons now and then. Now I wish I had bothered to learn that skill from her. I taught myself to crochet years ago, though - so I could at least make a quick bra an panty combo out of left over yarn if need be. Smile. I will be 60 this year and the topic of age has bothered me a lot. Not to the point of screaming from insanity and running naked through corn fields in fear or anything, but it bothers me that I'm starting to feel 'age'...My hip is much better now and I don't limp from that anymore, thank goodness. I just don't like the gray beard and gray hair and the pain in my fingers or the rice krispies sound effects from my legs and the lack of ambition or the twenty three pair of reading glasses I have spread all over my living area. This is MY problem, mind you. I'm allowing it to happen. There are 90 year old people out there running marathons, so me sitting here bitching about 'age' is my own damned fault. I need to keep moving and stop whining, huh? See, I just had to type it out to get over my issue... I finally broke down and got a new Windows 10 computer. My old one was a trooper, lasting for a decade or more. Kudos to that PC. The new one has cool bells and whistles and I can sync my phone with it, etc. Modern technology - go figure. However, at Windows 10, I feel that Bill Gates is personally monitoring everything I type. Hahahaha. It tries to be TOO HELPFUL if you ask me. It has Cortona (Window's version of Siri) and she is a big help sometimes I will admit, and hey - someone to talk to during the day. Our dryer has finally given up the good fight. We've had it a LONG time, and it has been repaired several times for the timer/heat switch/ignition switch and several belt malfunctions. She drys no more. Our new dryer arrives tomorrow. I believe it is the same type as we have now, so learning new buttons won't be a problem. June 17, 2020 - Our dryer came in to Best Buy yesterday, a day early, so my husband went and picked it up last night while I was cleaning up the laundry room and moving stuff out of there. Once we got it in the house I kept Norman outside during the assembly process until he practically broke the door down wanting back in. After coming in, as any good Great Dane Puppy would do, he freaked out and jumped behind me in my chair and stared over my head with his paws on my shoulder as he barked to protect us from the 'new thing' in the living room. Sigh. I put him back outside until we were done. Two fat people trying to install a new dryer in a tiny house could almost be classified as comical and should become a weekly T.V. series in my opinion. My husband, who like the rest of us has expanded to out of control widths - size wise - was hooking up the gas in back and the dryer hose when he realized he didn't have enough hose to push the dryer out far enough so he could get out of there. Oh, my stars - we laughed and laughed (I laughed and laughed, he just looked disgusted). I offered to bring him food now and then as he lived back there for a few weeks but only small portions so he could lose weight like Pooh in the honey tree and eventually he would be able to free himself. "Or, I could just call 911?" (He didn't see the humor in my comments...) We eventually figured out that he could use the little step ladder to get up high enough to step over the washer so he could get a foot hold on a kitchen chair and I assisted him at the point in his return to Earth. It was all very hysterical. I think I mentioned I got a new ice maker. It is a table top type. My old one decided to die and that right before summer?!?! Oh no! Sandy NEEDS HER ICE. It makes the best 'nipple' ice and is nice and porous and it is the best ice next to shaved ice. (Nipple ice because of the shape of the cubes...) Our water 'round here is horrid - SO RUSTY and packed full of minerals. We have a water filter in place to the bathroom and kitchen, but that only gets out so much rust. We also have a filter for the kitchen sink and a special faucet for drinking. However, that STILL isn't enough, so I while back I got a Clearly Filtered water pitcher. That thing works so well. The filters are expensive, but no more expensive than me buying a supplier of drinking water and gallons of water for the coffee pot every week. The top half of the pitcher where you fill it from the sink can get almost orange from the rust - but that water comes out crystal clear. Using that water in the new ice maker - well, it makes damned divine ice. I love it....but I digress.... The ice maker makes noises. It 'talks' from time to time. Sometimes it makes sounds like a bunch of kids playing down the street. Other times it sounds like birds chirping outside. Other times I've sworn I heard someone yelling for help through the windows. Various phrases I thought I've heard over the last few weeks from that thing are, "Hey, here!", "Mine!!", "Yuck!", "It's OK", "Help", "Yeahhhhh", "Yikes", "Cheese".... you get the picture. I know the thing makes odd noises but EVERY TIME I MAKE ICE, IT WILL END UP GOING TO THE WINDOW 200 TIMES TO SEE WHO IS HERE OR MAKING THAT NOISE. Silly ice maker - you get me every time. Norman LOVES ice. He gets extremely happy when he hears the ice maker. He gets extremely happy when he hears us getting out ice from the freezer and will come and sit ever so pretty waiting for his cube. He has knocked over countless glasses of my iced tea to get to said ice if not monitored closely. When he was teething so badly and acting like a person coming off of a several year meth addiction, I would give him a bowl of ice to chew on. That made him very happy and content. He is a cheap date like him Momma. My kids will be here next weekend. I am excited. I hope none of them have the 'Rona but even if they kill me, it will be worth it. I've not seen my daughter since March when I went there. I miss the chaos of my kids being here. Norman has not met my daughter and son in law. They will have to be instructed to carry a slobber rag at all times. My furniture looks like someone gave an elephant too much coffee and a paint brush with white paint - random slobber marks all over. I clean them up every day. Every day they are back... I am researching what can be done with Norman's drool - possible glue? Possible cure for cancer? As I told my neighbors, I should have named Norman "Spittle"... June 25, 2020 - Hurray, tomorrow night the kids will herd home. I pray we are all Covid free and don't share anything like that with each other. I hope the only thing we share is laughter and food and more laughter. I anticipate laughing so hard I will pee myself, as is tradition. May the call go out to "GET MOM A TOWEL" many times!  I have a Northern Flicker coming to
the suet feeders now! I've never had one (or one
where I noticed it was a Norther Flicker). They are
quite the stunning bird. I'm 59 and can honestly say
I've NEVER seen one in person!! He/she as been
coming around a lot - not sure which one it is. The
other woodpeckers give way to it as it is huge. I
think I have full range woodpeckers now - Downy,
Hairy, Red Bellied, Pileated, and the Northern
Flicker. My yard is full of hungry finches, robins,
mourning doves, huge crows, black birds, cowbirds,
red-winged blackbirds, bluejays, titmouses,
nuthatches, grackles, orioles, starlings, catbirds,
bluebirds, hummingbirds, sparrows, chickadees,
martins... it is a bird lover's heaven. The Sandhill
cranes don't come in to the yard anymore (due to
rambunctious dogs) but the turkey's hang out in the
back and hawks patrol the sky and turkey buzzards
hang out looking for roadkill. I even saw a pheasant
in my neighbor's back yard. (Large male one!) Norman doesn't mind the birds at all. Once in a while he'll have a stare down with a crow or bluejay, but rarely reacts to the antics of the local birds. He does pay close attention to the squirrels and the occasional wood chuck. (He won't chase them, just notes that they are there by looking at me frantically to point them out. ("Are you seeing this, woman!??!") Speaking of Norman, I should lay down some ground rules for people who may come in to my house. 1) Toilet Paper is located high up on one of my lighthouse decorations in the bathroom. You have to leave it up or Norman eats it. 2) Cell phones, purses, hankies, shirts, shoes, washrags, a glass of anything - all need to be put up away from Norman, or he'll eat it. 3) OK, so the only rule is - NORMAN WILL EAT IT if it comes withing his range, and being a Great Dane, he has a BIG range. He has gotten quite good at just taking things out of your hands while casually passing by... He is a five month old puppy, so I guess I should assume he will put everything in his mouth. If you don't shut the bathroom door, he will haul out all the dirty laundry in the hamper and he even has hauled out the box of wet wipes by the toilet. I keep an old Lysol can in the bathroom on the sink to hold my plethora of scrunchies for my hair, and he has been busted with that several times. Sometimes he gets stuff in his floppy jowls for a while until you realize he has something 'stuck' by his head movements. Hahahahaha. Fishing around in his mouth for items has become a major pastime for me due to 'need' as opposed to just enjoying it. It reminds me of my daughter when she was a baby and we'd catch her eating bugs...("Did you just eat a bug off the floor, young lady??" "No" - but then you see cricket legs hanging on her face...) I am sure my daughter and her 'little brother' will get along just fine! June 28, 2020 - As soon as I post that I don't get sandhill cranes anymore - I get sandhill cranes. (Clearly I should have said, "I never win the lottery" and then gone and gotten a ticket.)   I had my
first moon flower bloom Friday night! I didn't even
know I had buds! I had the plant inside the dog pen
so it could grow up the side of the fence, but
Norman kept eating it, so I potted her and moved her
outside of the fence. For a while I wasn't sure
she'd make it, but now - BAM - Bloom. I had TWO
blooms last night. I am pretty sure she's doing so
good because Steve, the neighbor dog, usually picks
that pot to pee on. (Well, he pees on pretty much
everything, but he does favor my flowers as a
urination destination.) I also had my first morning
glories as well - a lovely blue. They are also in a
pot behind pieces of fencing so Norman doesn't eat  them. Next year I should be
able to let them grow on the fence line without
protecting them from the dog, I would think. By then
the urge to put everything in his mouth should be
over, right? RIGHT? I have a jar of seeds I was
supposed to send to my BFF in North Carolina of the
moon flowers from last year, but I kept forgetting
to send them. I hope they are good for next year.
(Sorry Vickie!) When all the kids were here in my tiny living room, Norman decided he had to get behind me in my chair and protect himself from the chaos. It was so so funny. He stayed there quite a while, chewing my hair and putting his slobbery jowls all over my hair. I adore that damned dog... My right hip is giving me grief again, and it pisses me off. My chiropractor visit is delayed two weeks due to the fact my chiropractor got exposed to a 'Rona virus patient, so he is in isolation for two weeks. Sigh. Until then I still try to move as much as possible and do my stretches and keep on keeping on. I will not let age defeat my butt! (Yet! Never say never......) The owners of the field out back have Shooty McShoot Shoot Sunday. They spend a small fortune every weekend shooting a pile of sand or hay, one bullet or so a second. For some reason I picture these people as some of the ones hauling AK47's to protested at the State Capitol. (See, I'm racist against people practice shooting.) Norman used to be terrified by this, now he accepts it as weekend normal. Norman can also open the front screen door now. (Accidentally, by jumping around like an idiot and hitting the door handle) but nonetheless, he can escape. We have a hook to lock the screen door when we are inside and it is open. I don't want him ending up as a live target out back. July 4,
2020 - Norman does NOT like fireworks.
The poor gigantic puppy. There are SO MANY boom
booms this year. No firework shows around, so
people are doing it on their own. Last night it
sounded like we were in a war zone. In bed,
Norman would get closer to me and then closer -
and bark now and then. When I was younger I
would probably be out there with them, but now
I'm old and the loud noises bother one of my
'kids' so I don't like them. Hahahahaha. I do
like to watch fireworks, however. I love it
colors and the BOOM part as long as it is way up
in the air. (I hope the neighborhood does not
burn down.)
My daughter and son in law came in early on Friday and have been here since. We watched "Hamilton" together and then "Onward" by Pixar. I sobbed at the theater in Chicago when the kids took me to see "Onward" and I sobbed last night. Hamilton was good, I must admit, but once was enough on that musical. I like musicals, though - don't get me wrong. Not only does Norman hate fireworks, the poor dude is still teething - this time his 4 canines are all coming in at once. That should be the end of his baby teeth, once these come in. I give him an old wet wash rag with ice cubes rolled up in in there and he seems to appreciate that. It is almost time for his "puberty" shenanigans to kick, though, so his teeth will feel better but his brain will turn in to a crazed pre-teen. Raising kids or puppies - LARGE PUPPIES - is an adventure. I ordered wax melts (grape scented) from one of my favorite Etsy shops and when they arrived in the mailbox, they were melted. I knew better than to order wax melts IN SUMMER, but I just forgot what a bad idea it was. I put them in the freezer to harden them up. However, my mailbox smells WONDERFUL. I went wild and bought myself new tennis shoes. I rarely buy new shoes for myself as I'm mostly barefooted. I would go barefooted everywhere if I could. The new shoes are almost 'girlish' in color. I wore them to work two weeks ago for the first time, and they were so comfortable I ended up wearing them all day. (No socks, mind you). Turns out I had them tied pretty tight, and the next day I had blisters on the top of my feet from the ridges that are on the inside of the shoe. Duh. I will be good and wear socks in the future. July 9, 2020 - This is officially day four of my five day vacation. Let's recap the excitement, shall we? Most every day this week (on this, the week of my vacation) I woke up with the assistance of Norman. He has a limit on bladder control so even if I did want to sleep in, it was not going to happen. I am thankful he didn't wet the bed. (Me, on the other hand...) So no sleeping in on vacation for me. Besides waking up every day this week, I did get my hair colored on Tuesday. I like it. I go today for a free facial I won, and then one more hair date. I have never had a professional facial. It should be interesting. I assume you can't wear a mask during a facial - would defeat the whole purpose of the process. I know they will wear a full face shield. Such times. Such odd odd times... Yesterday I practiced day drinking. Probably a mistake, but it was kind of fun while it lasted. It is better to 'day drink' if you have someone around to drink with, but Norman and I did OK, I guess. At one point I cried pretty hard (result of thinking too much whilst drunk) and Norman slammed in to me full force and cleaned my face. He was quite concerned. That was very sweet, actually, He was coming to my rescue. There is an Asplundh truck out front trimming trees. (In this house, we end up saying 'Assplug' because how does one even pronounce Asplundh??) Norman is quite concerned. Strange men in day-glo yellow vests walking up and down our yards. He keeps looking at me as if to say, 'YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS???' No, Norman - I'm not. I ended up closing the front window curtain. Out of sight, out of Norman's wee little puppy brain. When one of the workers knocked at the door to say they were trimming some trees in my yard, Norman when all 'deep voiced' in his bark and let the guy know he was NOT welcome. Hahahahaa. They don't need to know he would run the other way if they just reached their hand out, do they? I caught up with the Michigan news this morning. (To stay sane, I've been avoiding the news, limiting it checking it once a week.) Seems we are on the uptick for Covid 19 cases. Sigh. This will never go away, I fear. It is like measles or small pox or the flu, we need a vaccine for it ... I assume that as the cornonavirus mutates, we'll need a different shot every year. You have to wonder if this wouldn't have happened all by itself - even if China didn't release this on the world? The Earth sometimes needs to clean house. Maybe this is one way to do it. Probably would have been faster to just release her fury with Yellowstone exploding. I can only imagine what us humans have done to ourselves and the Earth and it must feel like a bunch of ticks and fleas out of control for the poor Earth. Sigh. I have done good not checking work mail or issues this week, yet it doesn't necessarily feel 'good' this time. It just, well - is. I have been sort of blah and down since the kids left, I think. Maybe the facial and hair play time will help, and tomorrow I have a chiropractor appointment. I do so wish it would RAIN and cool off. How anyone can live in this type of heat full time astounds me. Me, my gelatinous, Rubenesque form would simply melt and go down the nearest drain if I had to live in this all the time. Maybe there will come a day when I'm cold all the time, as age will inflict of people, but now, TURN OFF THE BURNERS!!! July 13, 2020 - Growing up is hard. Even at 59, you tend to still 'grow up', have epiphanies, figuring things out that were confusing, and getting clues that you never got before. I should have known back in the early 1960s that life was going to be a hardship when I tried learning to tied shoes... This should have been an indication on how life would go the rest of my born days... Example: I figured out this morning that I have a friend who tends to lie a lot. I didn't want to believe they lied, but they do. It smacked me upside the head this morning. I felt bad for a while, because the only reason they speak lies is because there are ears to hear them. I was falling for lies all this time hook, line, and sinker. Now I know better. I knew better before, but of course you want to be friends with someone so badly you will believe anything, I suppose. This morning the stack of crap and what I've heard over the last few years vs what is 'real' came tumbling down in my head, and I thought - "Ugh, Sandy. Duped again." I would probably buy a car from a shady guy in an alley or agree to give up a kidney to a gypsy - no doubt. I am gullible. I am very gullible. I want to believe in some things so badly. Eventually, however, as long as your brain is able to function you DO tend figure things out - but it doesn't mean you have to be happy you DID figure things out, after all - ignorance is bliss. Oh well...at least we still have the whole Covid thing to distract us, right? Must think positive thoughts and carry on. I had my first facial last week on vacation that I won from a nice lady, and I must say it is very relaxing. I didn't realize it was so relaxing until she helped me sit up and I proceeded to fart on her, the poor dear, because I felt like buttery noodles head to toe. Who knew having someone play with your facial skin could relax you all over and make you pass gas? Mind you, I doubt I would pay for another facial - to be honest. It was wonderful and it was free because I won it, but I don't think I would pay that much for someone to get me to fart again. Who knows? Never say never. I had my hair played with twice last week as well. I love that. Now THAT is very relaxing to me. When my friend Laura was alive and needed a work favor, she'd come to my office and start playing with my hair and would get me to agree to do anything, practically. Hahahaha. I tip hair peeps well, because to me it is a form of therapy to have them play with my hair. I don't go to sleep, but I 'zen' out - almost meditating, and some mental stuff just falls in to place when that happens. I have felt so 'blah' since working from home. That has not improved. I talked to my boss this morning and I'm still 'grounded' at home. We discussed a few other things I had questions about, and there were no answers, so I feel even blah-er. No direction going forward - so our department is left spinning its wheels. We are floating in a puddle, putting out the wee fires that break out, but not flowing to the ocean like we should be. We're stagnant. Sigh. I talked to my BFF last night and she is feeling BLAH too. I assume most of us are feeling BLAH. We are all probably feeling isolated and alone and confused and depressed. So it shall be for a while, I bet. Guess I will just join the club and ride it out. July 20, 2020 - I was thinking my life was so boring and I was all 'blah' and 'blahher' but last night was an adventure.... First fact you should know - when I got Norman and he became my sleeping buddy, I noticed that his tiny gray/blue hairs tend to build up on the sheets every three days or so. I change my sheets now three times a week to avoid a massive pile up of Norman debris. I like having someone in bed with me and Norman loves the SleepNumber bed I have... Yesterday I changed the bedding and Norman was bound to help me by putting his ginormous paws up on the sheets I was trying to put on the mattress and then the comforter. (Really, he's no help at all to be honest.) Last night I called Norman in to bed about 9:30. I had just gotten comfortable when I heard small whines of concern emitting from Norman (who was attempting to sleep on the other side of the bed) I reached over to pet him, and I couldn't reach him! Hahahahahahah. Norman's side of the SleepNumber bed was deflating! When I couldn't feel him I got up on one elbow to see where he went, there was poor Norman sinking down in the middle of a deflating mattress looking like he was going to cry. My first thought was Norman put a hole in the mattress with his gigantic paws (but if old Jakey didn't deflate that thing, Norman surely didn't. Jake would NEVER let us trim his nails so I always worried he would explode the bed.) I got out of bed and turned on the light. I laughed loudly - Norman looked so scared in the sinking side of the bed. I managed to pull him off the bed (and that is when he decided he needed to empty his bladder in the confusion). The air hose that keeps the mattress inflated had popped off underneath. No doubt the constant changing of the bedding loosened it. It took a while to figure out how to hook the hose back up and reboot the whole bed's brains and wait patiently as Norman's side filled ever so slowly back up. We were back in bed by 10:30. Norman wouldn't go over to his side of the bed for a long time. He was compressed against my back so tightly to fit on my side that I'm pretty sure he would fuse to me. (...and I was thinking life was so dull...) My BFF had the deflation issue on her SleepNumber, too - so now I feel her pain of getting it brought back to life!  I went
and got myself a new vacuum cleaner yesterday
and a new shop vac as well. I had wanted a new
vacuum for the house for a while now, and if a
new vacuum cleaner is all that it took to pacify
me and my down mood as of late, well, by golly -
BUY ONE. The shop vac was not on the list when I
went to the store but I had wanted to clean out
my car for a while now and the current shop vac
is old and crappy and barely sucks. (It sucks
because it doesn't suck?) I cleaned out my car
last night and I was fascinated how well that
new shop vac worked!! It was a joy to clean the
car out, to be honest. It had all these cool
attachments so I could get into the cracks and
corners - any woman's dream! It kind of looks
like an R2D2 unit so I felt a connection with
that thing right away. (Norman was not happy
with it nor was he impressed with the new inside
vacuum.) I broke down and did something last week I thought I would never do again - I bought bologna. As a child, we always had ring bologna in the house for our lunches. I liked it back then and would make brown sugar, ketchup, and bologna sandwiches all the time, but then I figured out as an adult bologna was probably just a bi-product of some nuclear testing material plus almost all of the calorie in bologna are from FAT so I stopped buying it. There I was in the store, looking for items for lunches when the Eckrich Bologna called my name. I bought it, brought it home, and had a butter bread bologna sandwich and I savored it. A lone tear ran down my cheek - memories flooded back... so I had another sandwich after that. I pretty much finished up that whole damned package of bologna in three days. Sigh. Sometimes you just need a good piece of bologna or a hot dog, I always say, even if it kills you. On the 9th I had my semi-annual teeth cleaning appointment. It was fun. I love my dentist and his crew. It was X-ray time, so I had those and she cleaned my teeth and the dentist came in and looked at everything and he said, "It all looks good!" Never trust that statement... Two days later I felt pain in my left bottom molar gum area. I flossed it to see if something was stuck, which then removed the problem, part of my tooth!! "That is a crappy way to drum up business!" I mumbled as I pulled out that chunk of tooth that was now loose in my mouth. This was a bottom molar I had a root canal on more than a year or so ago, but the tooth itself was quite stable so the dentist just filled the hole created by the root canal and we didn't do a crown. Probably should have done a crown, huh? Well, we're doing one now. He shaved down the tooth part that was ripping my tongue up and I go back in August to get my pre-crown casting and such. In August I have my 3D breast scans. Let's see - I was formally diagnosed with breast cancer on 11/11/2018, had the bastard taken out on 12/11/2018 and started radiation in the beginning of February of 2019 and ended it in the middle of March 2019, so this is the 16th month of being cancer free and I would like to keep that status. I will feel better after the mammograms and sonograms. I can check myself all I want but it always has felt 'funny' after the surgery so I assume how it feels is the new normal. My husband decided last year that he couldn't let me have cancer as 'just my thing' so he went and got vocal cord cancer... He had trouble for months with a sore throat and laryngitis before he finally went to see a specialist in October of 2019. He was diagnosed right away and had it tasered off on Halloween Day 2019. He had to go through radiation which left him so sore and in pain. He finished that in January of 2020. It took a while for the recovery, but he was feeling pretty good since then, until he started having sore throat issues and hoarseness. I wasn't going to let him fart around this time, and we got him in to his Cancer doctor. They found two spots on his right vocal cord, so now he sees his ENT surgeon this week. I know vocal cord cancer is know to 'come back' or maybe it never really goes...but I sure hope it turns out this i  s
not cancer and just scarring from the
radiation. Sigh.Oh Life, there must be more... July 21, 2020 - Norman loves the 'Chuck It' toy that the kids got for him last time they were here. We have spent many hours playing fetch with Norm. However, I always forget the name of it, so for the last two weeks I have ended up saying the following... 'It's time to play..." Chunkit... Crankit... Whipit... Crapit... Orange ball fetchy thingy ... Catapultit... Crashit... Shankit... No matter what you call it, Norman LOVES playing fetch with that thing. He begs to play fetch. (When he runs he looks like a giraffe and elephant mated.) He's so darned gangly and cute. All legs, all jowls, all slobber, and all ears flapping in the wind. I will have to get some slow motion shots of him running. It is classic. This morning Norman was being a turd head - not wanting me to work - he wants ALL the attention. When a Great Dane eats, they are supposed to stay quite for a hour or so afterwards, but on his TURD HEAD days, this is impossible. Finally he's settled down and is chewing on his gigantic bone... Phew. He has had some awful TURD HEAD days lately or maybe we'll call them 'PUBERTY IS HARD ON NORMAN' days. He is growing so fast. Today he goes to the vet to get weighed and get his heartworm and flea/tick meds. We'll see how fast he's gaining weight. I am taking bets. I say he's 70 lbs.  Last week my dear neighbors
had to let their Sophie cross the rainbow
bridge. Sophie had skin cancer that was
spreading fast. They had her treated in
every way possible to delay the spread. All
during these treatments Sophie was still
"Sophie" and wanted her cookies and tennis
balls. It got to be a bit too much, however.
My Jake, who passed in December and was 7 years Sophie's senior, LOVED SOPHIE SO MUCH. Jake was always a happy dog, but he would be HAPPY HAPPY when he'd see his Sophie. He adored her...you could tell by Jake's eyes. She would come over for a cookie and he would be SO HAPPY. (Sophie was all business and didn't lead Jakey on, she just wanted her cookie, but Jake would be right there expressing his love to her with his droopy eyes and whines.) Jake would be lost during the times that my neighbors would go up North and he was without 'his Sophie' for a week. Now they are both hopefully together, and maybe Sophie will cut Jake a break in doggie heaven - and hang out with him for a while, because that is all Jake ever wanted. July 28, 2020 - Yesterday morning I woke up with what I would call a migraine. I do NOT do well with massive headaches since I do not deal with headaches often. I was sick to my stomach and just couldn't function. I told my coworker who backs me up that I was going to sleep for a while. I couldn't even take aspirin since nothing would stay down. I finally woke back up at 9:15 and got back on to work. I didn't do much yesterday, I fear. I just maintained. How anyone who has repeated migraines a month manages, I have no clue. It wiped me out flat. (Well, as flat as a large woman can get...) When I woke up this morning 'normal' it felt so wonderful. I was so elated. I swear there were blue birds singing and the world welcomed me awake with open arms. If I could sing with more than my three note voice I would have put on a dress and ran out my front door like Julie Andrews coming down the mountain. Norman decided this morning that my home keyboard needed to be filled with water, so he got up on the chair next to my desk and tipped my water glass over. Kind of him. He is always trying to help me. This morning he found my stuffed Garfield that I've had for 40 years (and was up high in the bedroom) and ate the poor things plastic eyes off.(I thought he was chewing on his bone so I didn't question the crunching...) Garfield had a good run. I will not lament his passing. (Norman is currently sleeping on the couch snuggled up with the hat that Garfield had and a set of plastic eye balls...) My husband has to have surgery again and he's just waiting for them to call with the date. Sigh. They want to laser off the spots and biopsy them. This cannot be fun for him. It must be discouraging. Ringing the "I'm done with Radiation!" bell at the cancer center is fun the first time - I cannot believe it continues to be fun...but we won't worry too much until after the diagnosis. Maybe it is just scar tissue on his vocal cord. By the way - Norman weighed in at 81.5 pounds at the vet last week. OMG. What have I done!?!?!?! July 30, 2020 - Norman has finished teething and has moved on to a disgruntled teenager, prepubescent stage. He's been moody and plays with excessive force. Sigh. I know these are phases and I am doing the best I can as a 'Mom' to deter any violent behavior during this time. He loves to JUMP and any person on two legs is a trampoline. All things in the world belong to him and will be stored in his mouth if they are not bolted to the ground. He was quiet for a bit yesterday morning because he was amassing a huge pile of dirty clothes from the bathroom hamper on to the living room floor... Yesterday was a very busy day for me and it was a challenge to concentrate on work and to give all the required attention to Norm. (I wanted a puppy, remember?) Two nights ago I was out looking for 'falling stars' (from meteor showers that are currently in progress) when a noise from the front maple tree startled me. Honestly, it sounded like a large mammal was being fried by a transformer on the power pole. It got louder and louder then started to fizzle out. I stood there trying to process this information in my tiny brain. There are tons of tree frogs 'talking' to one another all night, but this was not a frog. I did not see any sparks from the power pole, either. I finally just decided it was a cicada on steroids...a very buff cicada. Husband's throat surgery is August 10th. Hopefully they won't find cancer, but vocally he sounds just like he did prior to the first time so I am thinking it is cancer again. I can't think they will blast him with radiation so soon after the first time? We'll see. I don't mean to sound 'heartless' concerning this... it just is a weight on both of us and we just got done carrying a bunch of heavy stuff... August 4, 2020 - Norman has a pattern going now - quiet and subdued one day then spastic and hyper the next. I am sure it has to do with his puberty phase. He grows so fast you can almost hear him expanding outward. Poor dude. This morning he has been bouncing off the furniture and barking at me and crying at me and picking up EVERYTHING that is not his and tossing it around. As funny as it is, I take it away from him, although when he plays with socks from the hamper, it is down right hysterical. He taunts me with the items he steals from the hamper. New rule - never put clothes in the clothes hamper and/or leave the bathroom door open. I wonder how many times a day my neighbors hear me yell "NO NORMAN!!" I am pretty sure it borders on 376 times a day... August 5, 2020 - Norman takes great joy in getting up on the arm of the couch and reaching over with his jowls of terror and grabbing the scrunchy out of my hair. (I wear my hair in a bun when working from home.) As funny as this can be, I was getting kind of sick of it. I decided he needed his own dedicated scrunchy. I found my oldest scrunchies and looped them together for a foot long 'toy' for Norman. He was so happy he carried it around most of the morning. He would swing it at me to say, "Look what I have!!" He was confused why I wasn't scolding him. (I think that sort of took the fun out of the scrunchy pursuit for Norman. Hahahaha.) My friend Linda bought me lunch yesterday and got me a beautiful plant and a card in celebrations of my good news from my mammogram. (They found nothing but fat and scare tissue and all the metal clips they used on various blood vessels when they did surgery. I don't have to go back for a year.) Then she came over and met Norman. He was a good boy when she was here. I assume the feeling I had of him being suddenly so 'good' is how all parents feel or felt when they would go to conferences and the teacher would rave about their kid. (All parents know that this is not the true nature of the beasts!) She brought Norman a toy and a bone. Norman ran around with the toy all evening. Literally RAN, bouncing off the furniture and sliding on the kitchen floor. He loved it. It was so nice to get out of the house and see humans yesterday! My husband decided he is retiring at sixty two (in September) which means he will be home constantly. When that happens, I am going back to work AT WORK - I don't care what my boss says. Most people are back - just a scattered few of us are still working from home. I do like NOT wearing a bra, I will say that much, but I can't be home with him 24/7. I would run off into the woods and become a Sasquatch if I had to do that...I couldn't stay here. Plus I miss being on the 'front lines' and my coworkers. Even if we have to stay a mile away from each other, it will NICE to go back. I had to weigh myself to report my weight on the per-registration for my 3D mammogram and when I did I stood there staring at the numbers. What? HOW? Good Lord, I've gained the Covid 19!! I am so upset with myself. I knew it was happening and I did nothing to stop it. I stress eat (in mass quantities) and I have been stressed. BUT NOT 19 LBS. WORTH OF IT!!! Since I saw that sad number on the scale, I have stopped eating when it is not time to eat a meal. After a few days, I must admit I FEEL BETTER. What we do to our bodies in trying times is a sad, sad state of affairs. Tonight I am making turkey meatballs to have with 'zoodles' (zucchini noodles). That will be very filling without being too naughty on my part. August 10, 2020 - Today is my husband's surgery day. I hope they find out it is just scar tissue from the first surgery and radiation. He had to stop eating at midnight, and has to stop drinking liquids by 9:45 a.m. I would assume that would suck since his throat is so irritated and that is all you want to do is drink cool water. Wish him luck! He is sleeping now so I will let him sleep as long as he wants to. We got a bit of rain this morning with thunder and lightning. We need the rain so much, so it was a welcome burst of wetness. Norman is getting better about going out in the rain and he didn't even seemed phased by the boom booms. Hopefully we will get more rain later today. The hummingbirds have been a hoot to watch lately. They have been fighting over the flowers and the feeder. Males bumping chest and chattering. SUCH LOUD CHATTERING. At one point yesterday I thought I had a mouse or little gopher stuck in the siding due to loud sounds but it turned out to be hummingbirds yelling at each other! Hahahahaha. I had beer on Friday night. It was a relaxed night and I appreciated that. No expectations, no need to hurry and do anything. Norman was a hoot and very entertaining. I was very content on Friday night. I have to laugh at the fact that Norman has better sleep results in the Sleep Number bed every night than I do! He seems to be meeting his sleep requirements. Smile. I really have to start working with him on walking with the harness. He gets bigger and bigger every day. I said it before, I'll say it again, "WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!?!?" August 13, 2020 - I snuck outside last night without Norman to see some Perseids meteors showers. I was successful. Two nice big ones to thrill me as they streaked across my full range of sight. I also got to see several satellites and 14,758 mosquitoes. All in all, very relaxing. Boom de yada! I wanted to go get my phone to identify the satellites, but I figured Norman would see me and follow so I just made up names for them myself. (Geez Louise satellite, aka SpeedRacer and Blanch the indifferent satellite and the slowest one was named Geezer Super Spy Ship.) My husband's surgery went well. It was a long day as the surgery was late, but still - it went fast once he got in there. The surgeon said prior to going in that if the spots didn't look bad or he thought he got them all in a clean sweep, he wouldn't order immediate testing. He did not order immediate testing. We wait for the results, but to me it sounds like good news. The doctor did say that maybe this will have to happen for a while, go in and blow up spots, until they give up forming. He was almost confident that no radiation would have to take place. We'll see. We were blessed to have supper made for us by our dear friend and neighbor Sue. She makes the best chicken enchiladas. Yummm! My youngest son came and babysat for Norman that day and I was grateful for that. However on Tuesday, Norman was a complete idiot all day. Any change to routine makes him break out in 'duh' mode... I learned right off the bat that Great Danes were excellent 'backer-uppers' when getting in to a situation where they cannot turn around. Norman can back up like nobody's business. Must be genetically ingrained into them over the centuries because they are born to back up. This makes sense because as they grow, they run in to many situations and spaces that do not allow something the size of the Titanic to easily turn around... Plus, dear friend and neighbor Ron found a little Coleman cooler at a garage sale he got for Norman. Our other neighbor uses one for his dogs and Norman shoves his face in and sucks up water and gets it to turn to Great Dane jello with his slobber. Now Norman can do this to his own water source. Seriously, the boy shoves his whole face in to the bottom and blows bubbles. It is now considered 'Classic Norman' to submerge his head and do the bubble thing. I hope he doesn't attempt this with the toilet, however... Let's discuss skin tags for a moment, shall we? All humans end up with one or some. They are more prominent in obese people, of course, due to the fact we have many folds of skin in which a skin tag can call home, but really - EVERYONE gets skin tags in their life time, especially as they age. They are sort of like eye mites...mentally you know it is a fact they are up there grazing in you eye lashes, but you choose to ignore that fact. I would suggest you don't get too grossed out by skin tags as eventually someone will be getting grossed out by YOUR skin tags. The circle of life... August 18, 2020 - My husband got a call yesterday from his surgeon about his biopsies. They were cancerous. I believe he said they called them 'residual' from his first surgery. They want to go in - in a month or so - and laser off his vocal cords again to be sure they have cleaned up proper. Sigh. Pretty sick of cancer by now, as you can imagine. Mine or his or ANYONE ELSE who has it... I think I read an article where they stated they found cancer tumors in a fossil from 40,000 years ago. Cancer seems to have been around as long as man has... (That thought brings me little comfort.) ((Maybe we humans are just a form of walking cancer ourselves that have evolved to become sentient?)) (((Maybe I just need more coffee...)))  The other morning I let
Norman out to do his morning business when I
spied a baby bunny in the dog pen. I flew
(as fast as a fat woman can fly - more like
a fast rumble) to rescue that bunny. I
laughed and laughed at myself since the
'bunny' turned out to be a pile of Norman's
poop. If you look at the picture I posted,
you might agree from a distance it looked
like a wee bunny. Still I am laughing and
ever so glad I just didn't reach down and
grab it.Norman is full into puberty and has an attitude like a wild teenager. Thank goodness I was perfect when I was a teen, huh? (NOT). Yesterday he literally FLEW off the arm of the couch and attempted to land on my head as I sat in my desk chair. He fell to the ground but not before knocking me in my head first. Norman got a stern lecture that drove to him flatten out on the floor as I scolded him. I grabbed him by the jowls and spoke to his eyes and read him the Mom riot act. After I was done, he curled up on the couch and was quite for a long time. Don't piss of a working Mom! Geez. I wanted a puppy, not a flying Wallenda brother... My youngest son son hit a deer with his brother's car two weeks back. (His big brother is nice to loan him his car for getting back and forth to work.) It almost took out the windshield and broke a front headlight. They have yet to be able to fix the windshield so my wee one is using my old Taurus for now. I am glad he was OK. Hopefully they do not find that there is damage to internal organs in the engine on my son's car... Tomorrow I go get sized up for a crown I am getting on a tooth that has had a root canal. You all know how much I love the dentist, right? (hahahahahaha) It won't be bad - because it's just trimming down the tooth, and getting a casting of my teeth. Still, if I had a choice of Norman flying on to my head or going to the dentist, I would choose the whole Norman thing... August 24, 2020 - It is 4:30 a.m. Norman had a restless night. If Norman has a restless night, EVERYONE has a restless night. He went to bed with me at 9:15 p.m. and only stayed for about five minutes. He got down and went out to the couch. I fell asleep. About 11 p.m. he started barking in his full 'man' voice as if to say, "...I heard a noise. It is probably nothing, but I think everyone in the greater tri-state area should wake up now because I will just keep barking until you do..." I stumbled out of bed and took him outside. He was not barking out there in the dark nor did he seem upset by anything. He did his business and we came in and I went back to bed. He went back to the couch. He sounded the alarm again about 4:20. He has such a manly voice when he is in a panic or alerting and I am normally impressed - but not at 4:20 a.m. I have my alarm set to 5:30. Norman had his alarm set to 'DUH' .... Sigh. As many have said over the centuries, we can sleep when we're dead - today it is a day to go stare at stars and wonder why your dog is an idiot. Just now after standing outside with Norman in the wee hours of the morning, there were (what I considered) several shots from a gun. This is not anything to panic about out in the country as many people trap critters at night and shoot them in the morning or just stand outside and shoot woodchucks and raccoons. It didn't even phase me. However, when a loud explosion shook me and the the house, I retreated inside. (Mind you, Norman didn't bark at THAT! Go figure.) There was an ambulance flying by my house in a matter of a minute or so after the explosion, then more and more sirens. I got on line to listen to the Fired/Police feed. Sounded like they were all converging on the corner down the road but I never caught the reason why. Possible car fire? Not sure. I have asked my former police/fireman neighbor to investigate for me. Inquiring minds what to know. They have streamlined the tooth crowning process. I was quite impressed. (Not with the laser part where he went around the tooth to push back the gums - that was painful.) Over all, though, they've really made the experience less awful. I have my temp crown while I wait for the real one. I get that next week. Bless them for making it easier for a person like me who would rather pull off her toenails with pliers than go to the dentist.  There was a herd of turkeys in
my neighbor's yard the other day. Ten teenager
kids and two Mom turkeys out doing whatever
turkeys do at 4:30 in the afternoon. They were
just chillin' in the shade until I popped out
to take a picture. They went running back to
the wooded area right away. I am sure the Moms
did not like the human paparazzi taking
pictures of their kids. I don't blame them. I
call them a herd - a bird herd, but I looked
it up on the official name for a gathering of
turkeys and found this one a web site from a
Mr. John McCathy, "Looks like there are several
collective nouns for a group of turkeys:
gang, rafter, dole, dule, raffle,
rafter, posse, brood (for young ones),
or plain old flock." So, calling
them a herd of turkeys is OK, since it
looks like groups of 'em go by many
different names and herd sounds funnier.
August 27, 2020 - The explosion I mentioned above was a car exploding down the road. Someone had stolen the vehicle, took it on a joy ride, and missed the sharp curve to the South. Not sure why it exploded, unless the person who stole it shot holes in the gas tank and threw a match on the draining gas. There was no one on the scene, so the person fled on foot or had someone come get him...  My BFF sent me a picture
this morning that made me laugh loudly.
Her cat, Ming, had dragged one of those
small liqueur bottles out of a lower
cupboard. She said, "Ming is having a bad
day. She dragged this out this morning. No
thumbs. I think I'm supposed to open it
for her..." Hahahahahaha. My goodness,
that tickled me.It has been very hot and we are in dire need of rain. The grass crackles beneath your feet. One stray match and the whole greater tri-state area would catch on fire. Maybe tomorrow night, they say. Just maybe... The end of August fast approaches. I cannot believe it. I've been working from home since 3/20/20. Norman is already 95 pounds and 7.5 months old!! I was feeling so 'weird' the last few months. I could not put my finger on why I felt so odd. I finally wrote a letter to my therapist explaining my brain and then made an appointment. I have issues with feeling so sad or depressed when I my life is SO good. I have a house. I have food. I have a job. I have a car. I have awesome kids. I kept telling myself for months that I had no reason to feel low. I would push those low feelings down and back in to the corners of my mind and just "be" - no happy emotion, no sad emotion. Just 'be' and survive. Finally after months of feeling almost sick of my own self, I wrote that letter and went to see my therapist. It was a good thing I did... I think I've mentioned before that I will go in there and talk things out to her as she listens and on occasion she will say something to focus me and I will usually figure out my own issue by the time the session is over - BAM, epiphany! I was convinced that it was NOT going to happen this time. Towards the end of the session she mentioned she had just turned 40 and was having a hard time with that. I launched into a lecture, telling her about when I turned 40 I also had a hard time but I wouldn't give up yet if I were her. "Woman, the older you get, the more you learn and understand things. It is pretty cool. You realize you know things you never knew you knew. Your brain learns how to sort thing out and you become more knowledgeable and you learn to get rid of the bad stuff because when you eventually get old and the dementia kicks in, you don't want to find that one cell that makes you a mean, angry, and hateful ... like my Mom ... or my Aunt or..." Right there it hit me and hit me hard. Epiphany! I started crying. Bam. All I could see in my mind was a greasy pan and a drop of dish soap falling in and all the grease retreating from that drop of soap to the edges. I became fully aware of what the issue was and why I was so sad. I DON'T want to become my Mom or my Aunt when I'm older and my mind goes. (They were both so angry and cruel and mean. My Mom repressed emotions to the point that all she could grasp as her mind went were all those bad, terrible thoughts. My Aunt expressed herself, but she never figured out how to handle the anger she had and deal with it through her life, she just kept reliving it and compounding it.) The last five months that is all I've done - repress my anger towards things and my sadness, figuring I had not right to feel the way I felt... I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE EMOTIONS. I have a right to feel weird and isolated with this whole Covid crap. WE ALL DO. I am a hugger and I can't hug anyone anymore. (I've broken the rules more than once, however, because well - I couldn't help it.) We can't just get up and go out and meet with friends anymore. You have a right to feel upset by this. I have a right to feel the need for other humans and miss other human interaction and having my brain stimulated and talk to people and laugh. I have a right to be angry about my husband retiring early (9/11/20)((Ugh)). He's a nice guy and all, but I can't be around him 24/7. IT IS OK THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. I had squelched my roller coaster of emotions for months and they all came front and center to get dealt with when I went to bed that night. I didn't get much sleep... I am glad I did go see my therapist. She clapped with joy when the epiphany hit me hard. (I think she likes seeing it happen.) I was NOT going to go in, but decided I should. Bless the people in that field!! Bless my better judgement. I cannot tell you how much better I feel now. It is the best I've felt in MONTHS. You HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL GOOD! :) Yes, there are people starving in Africa and other people have it far worse off than you but you have every right to feel sad from time to time, and feel angry. It's OK. August 28, 2020 - Please note that the above ranting about my mental state does not mean I think "I'm cured" and does it mean I am a balanced human adult. No human is balanced. We're all messed up in the brain to a point. The people who think they are perfect and not messed up are probably the ones that are messed up the most, actually...but I digress. I guess I was stressing the fact that we need to deal with emotions we feel - and not 'hide' them deep inside our brains and pretend they do not exist. They do exist and are like time bombs waiting to go off when least expected. I have seen this happen to many people I love. It dawned on me this morning when I was attempting to shove my mass of hair into a scrunchy in preparation to depart for the chiropractor that I like Messy Things. I like my hair best when it is wind blown and strung all over with curls framing my face. I like my morning glories because they grow all over in a crazy pattern and cannibalize each other to grow out further and end up in bunches of beauty all over the place. I love Christmas time where I cram as many decorations as I can on shelves and such in this tiny house. I love going barefoot and getting dirty doing flowers. I LOVE THE CHAOS of my family being together. There are times I enjoy a good bout of madness/chaos in my life. August 30, 2020 - This morning my husband was quick to point out he had to have oatmeal as we were out of everything in the fridge. It is true - I've just been getting things for supper and not stocking the fridge. I suppose today I have to as I've put it off long enough. Lately I hate shopping, though. I truly do. I got to go to my friend's house and all of us high school friends showed up and had a hoot. Five hours of laughter. I loved it. I have not laughed that much in ages. I left Norman with my husband and I got a well deserved break from life. When I got home nothing was done and in fact it was messier than when I left, but I didn't care. I got a break and I peed myself laughing. We laughed the hardest over getting older and life in general. It was a beautiful day, weather wise, and we sat under the butternut tree and no one died from a frontal lobe impact by the nuts dropping all around us. September 7, 2020 - It is a quiet, peaceful Monday morning. Norman, however, is not quiet and peaceful. Norman is a hormonal 100 pound spaz puppy. Sigh. Having a Great Dane is like raising a child but in a more compacted time line. Sigh again. Yesterday he was an angel, today he will be a whirlwind devil, possessed by puberty devils and making him act out. This is probably only going to go on for another two months, right? Just two more months? I made roasted brussel sprouts last night. OMG - I LOVE THOSE THINGS. Whoever came up with that idea - KUDOS TO YOU. I also made BLTs but the L was spinach, so BSTs, I suppose. With everything being 'in season' it all tastes so much better!! I made a kick butt batch on salsa again, and I adore it. It was one of my best fresh batches and I can't stop eating it. After eating fresh salsa it is hard to go back to store bought. I decided this season I'm enjoying the flavors of the 'fresh' as much as possible. I also get that urge to make 'fall' foods as it has been so cool at night around here. Soon will be the goulash, the chilli, the soups... Did you know that they have pumpkin flavored Hostess cupcakes? I also bought myself Pumpkin Spice coffee and Pumpkin Spice Cheerios. Tis almost the season, after all! My husband officially retired on Friday by calling in sick and saying, "I'm done." A week from today my husband has his next surgery and by the sounds of the procedure the surgeon is going in to clean it out GOOD, meaning he will most likely be very sore afterwards. I hope this time they get all the nooks and crannies and stop this from coming back, for his sake. They did radiation right off the bat last year after his first surgery. I don't think they will do it again from what I've researched... He has been very hoarse and croaky lately. I worry that it has gone nuts in his throat after the surgery in August. I have done nothing, really, this weekend. I have just 'vegged' out. I did manage to water the flowers. I should be putting summer stuff away and getting out my fall stuff, but I don't feel it yet. The fairy gardens are still going to town and still look so cute, I don't want to take those down yet. As a matter of fact, I feel the need for a nap now. Hiding from life is sometimes OK, right? September 11, 2020 - It is hard to comprehend that 19 years ago we were glued to the TV and Internet for reports on the terrorism in New York and the Pentagon and the Pennsylvania crash. I remember feeling so sad and upset for my country at that time - I think we all did. We didn't care then if you were black or white or democratic or republican - our hearts beat like one and we did what we could as a country to understand it. It was a horrid tragedy but it united us. A far cry from today when left and right are slinging monkey crap back and forth and soiling all of us in the middle. Sigh. It is Friday and it has been a LONG work week. My husband has been retired for a week now and he's not done much but he seems happier most of the time. He isn't happy, however, about being a nanny for Norman who is in full rebel teenage mode. I have learned to deal with Norman's moods such as him going airborne, flying on to me from behind after launching himself from the couch, chasing him around to retrieve socks and underwear he's stolen from the laundry, and basically herding the boy like an elephant. These antics were all new to my husband. Normal LOVES that "Dad" is home and is all over him now, leaving me to work in relative peace, but my husband does not take pressure well and Norman pushes all buttons with full pressure and then some. In a way, I find this comical. I probably shouldn't. I, however, feel this is good payback for all the years he was little to no help with our own children so I maybe secretly love the 'revenge' part of it. I can't help but smile when Norman is 'talking' to him loudly, trying to explain to Dad that he should move now and play with HIM AND HIM ONLY. I love it when Norman has his 'butt runs' trying to get my husband to play, ricocheting of the couch and furniture like a bullet. I find it all humorous and I feel sorry for Norman because he has no clue why he's acting this way. Norman doesn't understand the changing body and growing pains he must be dealing with but I clearly remember my teenage angst mode and my confused feelings over body changes and my 'spazzy' self (which actually turned out I was destined to be a spaz all of my born days) so I FEEL FOR THE DOG WITH ALL MY HEART. My husband, of course, does not... But I digress...We are bringing on new customers in a rapid rate and it doesn't matter if is 50 new items or one new item, the set up time is the same or my part of the plan. I am going to have to start going back in to work next week even if they don't want me to - I have to have room to concentrate and spread out. I think after my husband's surgery Monday I will start going back to the office at least half days. I am only one person and I can't keep up sometimes. I can't even blame my age, really. I JUST CAN'T KEEP UP - I need more of me. I have to watch this overwhelming feeling or it pushes you back - and you don't want to do ANYTHING because you can't do it all. I have to - I just have to keep going. I can't run away and hide no matter how much I want to. Since Keurigs became a thing and we bought our first one back in 2006 or so, we've been through a lot of Keurigs. It might be faster to buy the machine and have them drop ship it to the nearest landfill and save time and frustration for me. Our current Keurig decided committed suicide this morning. Mind you, I clean those things and change the water filter parts and do what I am supposed to do, but eventually the Keurigs salute for the final time and die on a regular basis. Sigh. We have a Mr. Coffee pod machine that we've had for over 10 years as a 'back up' machine. That is currently sitting on my counter because when I want coffee, I WANT COFFEE. I have so much stock of single cup pods that I will use up and then I think I'm going back to a normal coffee pot. Normal coffee pots don't seem to expire like Keurigs do... Or maybe I need to investigate another brand of pod brewing coffee makers. No matter, WHEN I WANT COFFEE, I WANT COFFEE. I am still laughing over an incident yesterday. I was out with Norman in the dog pen and the neighbors were over and we were all talking. My husband joined us. Mind you, Norman was in full I WANNA GO PLAY WITH THE PUPPIES OVER THERE mode and jumping up on the fence and being a turd head in general, so when my husband walked out Norman jumped up on him and slid down his side. (My husband, being a portly fellow will wear lose fitting sweat pants more often than not with no underwear.) Norman dropped his pants right there in front of the neighbors. BWAHAHAHAHHAA - I can't stop laughing about it. We all burst out in laughter because it was so damned funny. Ploop - the pants fell down. He bent over and pulled them up immediately, but still....HAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. That will keep me entertained mentally for quite a while. I have been having trouble sleeping as of late, and I am still not sure why. I think it is because my brain keeps working on 'work' things and I can't stop it, even with meditation lately. Even after I pray, then talk to the Universe and try to 'calm down' and all, Brian my Brain just lets all my thoughts pour out like warm butter flowing over mashed potatoes. (Brian is getting written up today by golly. I don't pay good money to Brian the Brain to be letting my thoughts run out of control.) A tactic I tried last night was trying to name all the people who were in Monty Python's Flying Circus back in the day. (I was trying to focus on one thing and one thing only by doing that so Brian would calm down.) "Eric Idle" I said to my brain - then "Graham Chapman" - then I got nothing. I know I know all the people in that show but Brian my Brain couldn't find the file with all the names. So off my brain wondered and was thinking of 60 other things when I actually said (out loud, mind you) "Terry Gilliam!" Norman was startled and looked over at me then went back to sleep. Hahhahaa. Again, my brain was loose and unattended for a bit. I tried to reel it back to figuring out characters by reminding myself that one of them went on to do another favorite show of mine, 'Fawlty Towers' - and figuring that show's name out also took a few minutes. Off it went again and as I was planning weekend meals I remembered "Michael Palin!" Where these notes were stored was beyond me and how Brian was finding them was also out of my realm of understanding. Finally, after about an hour of not sleeping and trying to figure out the world and life in general, I remembered "John Cleese" and felt so much better. I was still missing one of them, but by then I was ready to finally sleep. Brian was tired.... (P.S. - I was missing Terry Jones. Had to Google it in the morning....) September 18, 2020 - It has been a bad week. I think I'm broken now. I will carry on, but I am broken. My husband's surgery went OK on Monday - but the results are not good. Invasive cancer. Our next step is to go to the University of Michigan to seek a form of treatment. Possible voice box removal. So there is that. He said he doesn't care, he just wants cancer out of him. I remember that feeling well. Just get the bastard out of my body! You feel violated. They really tore his throat up Monday, trying to get samples from all over in there to be sure. He can't talk per say yet, but he tries. You want to talk and express your emotions. I feel for the man. I am trying to stay upbeat and positive. That is almost like living a lie, ya know, trying to be positive? Then one of my coworkers and dear friend decided life was too much early Wednesday morning. He sent us all a text telling us we were the best friends a guy could ever have and went on to explain his issues and apologize, etc. He sent that to us at 12:08 a.m. or 12:58, I can't remember - and none of us saw it until early Wednesday morning and we all immediately knew something was wrong. My younger friend who lives near him went over and pounded on the door for 10 minutes, screaming his name. He called our boss who went up there, too, and called the police for assistance. The police went in and came out and told them that Steve had passed. My boss called me, but I already knew. He was heading to this for a long time. This is a poem I wrote Steve back in February of this year when he was being especially paranoid and mean and out of control and I worried constantly what he might do: You burned all your bridges over your troubled waters now you’re floating alone in your sea We all tried to throw you lifesavers… but most of them came from me We circled around you shouting your name throwing out lines of rope you paddled around in circles declining our help - you said NOPE Now what do we do we’re watching you drown you won’t take our hands you’re going down Most of the boats have gone back to port I still circle around that location it has been over a year, and I’ve lost you I fear guess I’ll go back to the station When talking with Steve, he couldn't see what we all saw. He was fine, in his mind. He was cocky. "I do what I want" he would say. Sigh. He told each of us different stories - he told us what he thought we wanted to hear. He told his male friends one thing and didn't even indicate to them how bad things were inside. He lied to his family. He denied the wars happening inside of his mind that he was losing the battle with as the days went by. We all tried to help, we really did. We all loved him. We watched this brilliant genius soul spiral further and further out of control and we were helpless. There were times he's walk in my office and close the door and collapse in to a chair and say, "I have no place where I belong - anywhere..." I did my damnest to talk to him and make him see he was loved and he did belong. I guess the only thing we possibly could have done was tie him up and commit him. Steve only saw what Steve saw and he was convinced we were all wrong and against him or we misunderstood him. This is the poem I wrote Wednesday morning before my boss called me - but I already knew what they would find: It was perhaps time to leave Peace is finally yours You left us here in heartache Banging heads into our doors We didn’t get to say goodbye We tried to help but failed You decided it was all too much Checked yourself out and you bailed There is nothing we could do for you Even though we tried Your brain was just too much to take So you just upped and died Finding peace? I am sure you have You’ve found a place to go Where you feel that you’re OK We all loved you, you must know As long as I am living You will be alive Everyone will know you… And Lord knows that we tried… When someone you love ends their own life, it is as if they killed you, too. First you think of how unfair it was of that person to search for their peace and leave you in pieces. Then you just hurt because you do not understand. Them you feel guilty that you couldn't stop it and you feel like you should have. Then you feel lost and confused...and that all repeats over and over again. Over the last few years when we would talk at night about life, the universe, and everything, he would be so 'dark' at times, and I would send him this song. I would beg him NOT to be Vincent in the song. I told him many many times that he was not alone and he had better never leave us. I failed. "Now I think I know what you tried to say to me how you suffered for your sanity and how you tried to set them free.... ...and when no hope was left in sight on that starry, starry night - you took you life as lover's often do...I could have told you Vincent- the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you..." So there's that... Norman has diarrhea (100 pounds of puppy's worth) and I am waiting for his fecal test today. So there's that... I have nothing funny to say today or wise. I just had to vent. I am devastated by Steve. I am besides myself for my husband. I am tired of scooping up Norman cow pies. I am tired of having to be brave and keep going. I am tired of Covid. I am just - tired. September 21, 2020 - A new week. Funny how time keeps going forward even when you feel like you are stuck in one particular minute...  The
gas company is going to replace the gas
lines from the road to the houses on
this street. We found this out when a
truck came and told us he was mapping
out where everyone's sewers and drain
fields were. We have a wooden post now
marking the side of the yard where or
bodily functions end up. On Thursday
morning last week I was out with Norman
and a truck pulled up - I think it was
an 'All American' portable toilet truck.
The man dropped a beautiful portable
poop house in my front yard. (At least
the 'siding' on the pooper matches the
siding on my house.) Right by the road.
Plop. Ever since then, people drive by
it slowly - I think they are looking for
a 'for sale' sign. A former co-worker
pulled up to the house last night and
asked if we were selling it. SERIOUSLY.
THERE IS THAT MUCH OF A DEMAND ON
PORTA POTTIES?? Sigh. Norman still
thinks that with that thing sitting in
the front yard, it is an infringement on
his right to stare across the road at
the corn, and often lets us know it...My dear friend Linda popped in for a few minutes this afternoon to see if my husband needed anything and to offer her help and - well - just be a good friend. Norman made sure she was entertained. That was very awesome of her. Norman stared at her like a lover - and bothered her the whole time. As soon as she walked out the door - plop - he fell asleep on the living room floor. (Oh, and I believe we figured out the issue with Norman's diarrhea - and we've changed what we feed him. Seems to have helped so far. I know you were all worried about that. I paid 57 dollars for a fecal test to find out he's fine...the boy just needed more fiber. Who doesn't, really?) We researched the several different types of surgeries that could happen due to my husband's vocal cord cancer. Depending on what they find, there is a cordectomy, a partial laryngectomy, or a full laryngectomy. None of the options sound fun. I hope the U of M hospital calls soon so we can start all of this. He just wants it DONE AND OVER. I do not blame the man. I have tried very hard to be positive and upbeat. That is my job as a wife. I will continue to do so. I think I cried enough last week and the weekend that I'm ready to put on my big girl panties and go forward. Left foot right foot - we will conquer it all. My husband is taking advantage of my kind heart by requesting some special suppers. Tonight he wanted homemade scalloped potatoes. (They are in the oven.) Yesterday he wanted roasted brussel sprouts and baked BBQ chicken. He has quite the shock coming tomorrow - it's his turn to cook. Smile. September 23, 2020 - My husband is outside changing the oil in his truck and car. I am on lunch from work. Norman is eating very loudly, and will take a drink from time to time. I think my neighbor expressed it the best way when he said, "Norman is a violent drinker!" Hahahaha. Great Danes do drink with gusto. After you wipe off their face (after drinking) they will still have half a gallon in their floppy jowls and share that with you with a head shake. They are always thinking of pleasing you. Hahahaha. I got to talk to Steve's sister last night for about two hours. It was a blessing to talk to her. I needed to hear what she said. She needed to hear what I said. It felt good to share with her. I didn't sleep well last night but that is because of EVERYTHING in my brain right now - trying to sort it all out. I am sure eventually I will sleep. For now I just go on a few hours of sleep. I might sleep all day Sunday. I have a goal... You know you are old when you plan a full day of sleeping just to 'catch up' on it. My daughter turned 33 on the 14th of this month. My oldest son turns 40 this weekend. My husband turned 62. I turn 60 in October! It does NOT seem possible. I think the brain just takes the years lived, takes out references to time, compresses them down, and shoves the good memories in a file cabinet and put the bad ones further back on a shelf. It just doesn't seem possible all the years that have gone by. September 26, 2020 - Our first trip to the University of Michigan's Head and Neck Cancer center is this coming Wednesday. My husband is nervous. We will hope for the best and prepare for the worst, I suppose. After seeing a video of his new doctor, my husband seemed to feel better. This new doctor/surgeon has been involved in a ton of research for this type of cancer and it gave us hope. Any light in the dark is a welcome sight. I will suggest that they prescribe some form of antidepressant for him. I know he will need it. Today is Steve's Celebration of Life gathering. I so want to go. I so don't want to go. I need some kind of closure, though. My daughter said she'd go with me and we'll keep our masks on and I can meet his sister that I've had a wonderful heartfelt talk with and ... I guess I will go. I woke up and decided I didn't want to, but now... Ugh. I do, however, need some kind of closure. This is the last poem to him that I wrote yesterday and posted to the Celebration web site for him: Poet of the Fall
I thought I saw you in
your car
for a bit I couldn’t
breathe
Maybe you’re still
with us!
Maybe you didn’t
leave!
With horns behind me
beeping
I realized I had slowed
I pulled over to collect
myself
and give them back the
road
For those of us who loved
you
your departure left us
shattered
you eased your pain but
left us here
as if we didn’t matter…
I know that isn’t why you
left us
you just needed to find
peace
you needed to find quiet
make all the voices
cease…
For years I wrote you
poetry
Trying to get through
Trying to explain
That we loved and needed
you
My attempts to make you
understand
Didn’t work at all
Did you even hear me
or was I just the poet
of your fall?
This also helped to share it with other people that loved that little shit. I know people are feeling the same way. Suicide is very hard for those left living. I used to think people who killed themselves were selfish and uncaring. Now I know that sometimes the poor person who is suffering so much with their own mind can see no where else to go... October 4, 2020 - In five days, I will be 60 years old. I do not feel 60 years old. I'm not even sure what 60 years old is supposed to feel like! I assume it feels like every other day I've been alive except I make more noises when I move and pee a lot more with no control whatsoever when I stand up, sit down, laugh, breathe, think, and exist. Our visit to Ann Arbor Otolaryngology last Wednesday went well. I do love my husband's cancer team. Dr. Matt will be his surgeon on the 13th of October. He explained that just by reviewing all the scans and results from my husband's last two surgeries that he had to agree with our surgeon here - the voice box has to come out, but he would wait to see the CT scans we got after the consultation. He called the next day and said, "Yep, it has to come out..." He explained the procedure to us. They will use muscles from his left leg to help restructure the throat once they remove the larynx. They will connect his windpipe to a hole in his neck. The Doctor said he wouldn't lie, the surgery and all the work they have to do will not fun at all. It will be over a month of overcoming and healing. However, he said once my husband heals, life can go on like normal. Getting the cancer out before it decides to hit lymph nodes and take a walk about in my husband's body is paramount. They will also take some lymph nodes to test while they are in there. Hubby will be in the hospital for a week or more. I will stay for the day of surgery, then over night in Ann Arbor, and stay with him the next day, and then I will then come home. Dr. Matt said that is common, since I can't really do anything for him being there and they would call with updates every day. They do not want him to move his tongue or drink. My husband will have a feeding tube through his nose for two weeks (at least) because they don't want to damage all the work in his throat. Doctor told a story about a recent patient who couldn't wait to eat real food that a week and a half after his surgery he ate solid foods, which ripped out sutures inside his throat. Before I leave him I will make sure my husband is set up so his phone and tablet are near and plugged in so we can text once he is able. They said they would get him up to walk the same day of the surgery. Wow. I have purchased a small notebook for him and will take pens and such when he is able to write stuff - like questions, etc. When it is time for him to come home, I have to go up and learn how to take care of the temporary breathing stoma they will put in his throat and learn how to feed him with the bag hooked to the feeding tube, etc. (I believe Dr. Matt said, "No one leaves here without you both passing the training for the after care!!" I feel inadequate to help my husband, mentally. My cancer did not stop me from talking or eating, so I was fortunate. I can't even comfort him by saying, "Look, I got through it" because all I got from my cancer was a mental breakdown/midlife crisis and an odd looking left boob, but I got to keep that breast. My cancer was caught early. I have a feeling my husband's cancer has been simmering for two years or more. A year ago he had his first surgery... I have been trying very hard to be supportive, and loving, and cheerleader like. I have a huge friend network where I can vent when I don't feel strong, and I appreciate them all VERY MUCH. My daughter and I went to Steve's Celebration of Life family gathering last Saturday. It was good to go, I had to close things in my head over him. It was awesome to talk to all his friend and family from 'home' and find out how he was as a youth and as he got older. They had many questions about the "Steve" we knew. It was just GOOD to go there and I needed it so much. I have come to a better place dealing with his suicide. I will always love the little shit but I feel he's at peace now out in the Universe - probably trying to tell God and everyone out there how to do things correctly or re-arranging our solar system... However, there was a scare afterwards when one of my former coworkers and a dear friend of Steve tested positive for Covid. Our group all sat together on the porch. We wore masks when we came up there, but I did hug him and hugged him again when I left, and we had our masks off when we were all talking. I called my doctor and got an appointment for a drive in testing at the hospital. You have to wait 5 - 7 days after exposure for them to catch it. Since my daughter came with me, she and her husband also got tested, and since they visited my sons, they had to get tested. So far, all of us came back negative so far except my youngest who has not heard his results, but the worry until results came back was terrible. All I could think of was bringing home Covid to my husband and both of us getting sick and ... oh my. I felt so guilty. I have no urge to kill us both off at this time. Norman discovered squirrels are chase-able. He trees them and jumps at least three feet off the ground trying to get them in the tree. Good exercise and comical to watch. I cannot believe how agile he is!! He is 8 and a half months old now. He is still going through puberty phases, but they are not as bad as they were. He insists on getting under the comforter when we go to bed. He's been a comfort to me ever since I got him and I almost think it was meant to be... We finally lit the furnace since it's been cold enough at night now. I hate lighting the furnace. It is like you are giving up and giving in to Michigan Winter. Smile. For some reason, I think that every year... October 5, 2020 - A dear friend wondered how I was 'really' feeling. I might as well vent it here... I miss my friend who committed suicide so much. No goodbyes, no final words. I am sure this will get better with time and there are times I'm fine - then like today, I hear a song and fall to pieces. Maybe I also fall to pieces because I cannot express this deep grief to my poor husband as he's having his own issues. I also have been feeling like I won't be a good care giver or I will fail nursing him back to health. This is our last chance to get him back to some kind of normal and take away that stupid cancer. I don't care if he cannot talk. I just want him to survive. I just don't know if I can always be upbeat or comforting. I feel ... afraid and incompetent. What if he needs me in the night and I am sleeping too hard - I will need to get a bell so he can signal me. I need to get some small white boards so he can write out what he needs. Maybe I should get a large baby gate so Norman doesn't jump on him for a few weeks... I just don't feel prepared. So, that is how I am really feeling. (Thanks, Linda - it felt good to let it out.) I have been having such a hard time sleeping, thinking all night. My brain just won't shut off. When I do finally go to sleep I want to stay asleep. Last night I had finally fallen asleep but I remember kind of waking up and I know I was reaching up to grab something - part of the dream I was having - and I rammed my right thumb into my left eye!!!! Seriously. BAM. It hurt A LOT but I told myself I'd be fine and went back to sleep. This morning the white of my eyeball is red with blood and there was crusty blood on my eyelashes. As soon as my eye doctor's opened this morning, I called and made an appointment. She said if I had not told her what happened she would have assumed I got smacked in the eye in a fight. She put steroid drops in my eye to reduce the swelling and sent me home with a bottle of drops. I didn't rip the cornea or anything, so that is good. That being said - tomorrow is my driver's license renewal where they take a new picture. Sigh. I will have one normal eye and one red eye. At least the one eye will be patriotic - a little white, red, and blue.  Tonight
my dear friends/neighbors brought over a
surprise for Todd - his favorite pie
(strawberry rhubarb) since he won't be
eating for several weeks starting next
week, and a piece of chocolate cake with
delicious butter cream chocolate frosting
for me, plus presents for my 60th birthday
coming up. They are going up North and
wanted to be sure they brought me my gifts
as they will be gone. Sue made the coolest
floating glass framed picture for me with
pictures of Great Danes in is. It is
amazing. (She made them out of stationary
cards and gave me the rest of the cards to
use.) She also brought me wonderful
homemade soaps and a wonderful card. I was
so touched. They even brought Norman a new
Kong Ball and a stuffed sheep to destroy.
I have THE BEST NEIGHBORS ever. I have the
best friends EVER. I am blessed. I've
always been blessed...and now I'm crying
again. A good kind of cry, though...
(Although my left eye disagrees with that
statement.) October 7, 2020 - The whole street across from our house if lined with Consumer Power trucks of different types. They are replacing our gas line from the road to the house. They are replacing all the gas lines to old, old houses around here. Our house has been here since the early 50s, I believe. Norman is having such a hard time dealing with all the coming and going of the workers. He is on high alert, for sure. Poor dude. He wants to get out there with the people in our yard so badly. He has not sat down or rested all morning due to the activity.  My dear friend Linda came over yesterday to bring me birthday presents and my card, and a rhubarb pie for my husband! I had to laugh - he will be SO FULL OF RHUBARB! I love it how our friends have been spoiling him. This pleases me. My husband is a sweet man, but he (himself) does not go out and cultivate friendships on his own. I know he appreciates the attention he is getting from everyone. (Guess if you are going to get your throat ripped out, it is well deserved.) I got a dancing/singing candy corn stuffed toy from Linda that tickles me to no end. I think my husband will take out its batteries soon as I keep pushing the button... I was so consumed by worry over caring for my husband after his surgery and worrying, but both of us got some much needed relief yesterday after a Zoom meeting with his post surgery Speech Therapist. She was an angel. She review all the things that will go on and the after surgery recovery part and showed us pictures and told us what to expect and showed us videos of some of their patients post surgery and how they were doing. All I know is we were both relieved. It will be far from a walk in the park, mind you, but after healing from the laryngectomy he will be able to somewhat talk after they insert a small tube through a tracheoesophageal puncture between the esophagus and trachea. That tube will have to be changed every month or every other month - depends on when it breaks down and causes fluid leaks in to the trachea....but he will be able to make noise. The meeting with the therapist made us both feel so much relief. Knowing they call this surgery a 'throat dissection' and all has not made us feel warm fuzzies, but we did feel better after yesterday. Especially now with Eddie Van Halen passing from the spread of his throat cancer. My husband is more than happy to get his butt in there and get that stuff taken out. October 16, 2020 - I will update for the three people who read my blog! Smile. It has been a stressful week. Thank you my daughter for coming to babysit her 'little brother' while I was gone. Norman loved her! I have awesome kids. I also have awesome neighbors! (It just took all of us to herd Norman into the dog pen. Hahahahah. It takes a village to raise a Great Dane.) My husband had his surgery on Tuesday. It took a long long time. I finally got to see him around 8:30 p.m. He was still out of it so I just talked to the nurse and left him a note and left and went to my hotel. I didn't sleep well. I was worried about him all night. The surgeon said that he was hoping he could get away with a partial laryngectomy but the cancer was already all over his right vocal cord since September 14th and in to the epiglottis, so he had to do a full removal. (Oh, a side note. I might sound like I am whining and complaining in this post - but I am fully aware of the fact that the person who deserves sympathy is my husband. I am just the home nurse - and really, I don't have a valid reason to whine and complain, but I might since this is my blog and I keep it for my own mental stability. I just wanted you to know that I understand the person who should be whining and complaining is my spouse.) When I went back the next day, he was definitely very sore and grumpy and hurting. He got so frustrated that he couldn't express himself. I gave him a white board and let him write about things. He was not happy when they put him in the chair and he hurt all over. I don't blame him. He would shake with frustration when I didn't understand what he was trying to indicate to me. Sigh. We did not work on any specific sign language before he went in there because I assume writing on a white board would be good enough. Silly me. He has six drain pods hanging from him - four from his neck, two from the area in the leg where they took muscles and veins and such to reconstruct his throat. He keeps coughing out his trach tube, which will fall to the ground. He was doing that without even realizing he was losing it. He got many lectures from the nurse in charge. "Todd, you want to breathe, right? I feel this tube is important for you to keep track of, OK?" Smile. We worked on suctioning out his breathing tube. We worked on his deep breathing and such. They gave me an overview of how to feed him and take care of his feeding tube. I helped him pee into a portable urinal. He would get nauseous and that is NOT GOOD to vomit when you air hole is below your mouth - so they gave him anti-nausea meds right away which was cool, because they had to inject it down his feeding tube. Over all, he was just not feeling it on Wednesday. I left him and went to the hotel and cried. Wednesday night he had a panic attack - AND WHO WOULDN'T CONSIDERING HIS SURGERY - and he dropped his call button and was freaking out because he was having trouble breathing and he got out of bed (omg!) and went in to the hallway!!! YIKES! He ripped out all his I.V. connections and left a trail of blood. He was fine, mind you - his blood oxygen was 97. I know why he freaked out - trust me. He can't swallow - it is new breathing through a hole, on and on and on.... I hope they will give him some anti-anxiety prescription before he leaves. I so totally understood that panic. I would have done it myself. Thursday he was still not interested in learning to do anything. He would point at everything he wanted me to do. His nurse, Terry - a wonderful tall male nurse - head of the ward kept trying to get him to try and try and try, but Todd was not having it. Sigh. Finally, when it was time for me to come home that night, I started weeping a bit. I told him his recovery was up to him, and I needed him to help HEAL himself. I needed him to try. I needed him to suck it up and TRY. "I can't be around you 24/7 and if you get clogged, who's going to save you? YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOU!!" He grabbed my hand and stroked it - shaking his head 'yes' and looking at me with puppy eyes, with tears in his eyes. I drove home crying most of the way, calmed down a bit by the time I got home, and got mauled by Norman when I walked through the door. (He REALLY missed me!) Got knocked over and loved on with the intensity only a happy 9 month old Great Dane puppy can inflict on you. My jaw is out of place from stress and sleeping in a hotel bed. I keep biting my right cheek. Ouch. (Of course it might help if I would stop eating...) I will work on getting it relaxed and back to where it belongs this weekend. I have a lot of set up and cleaning to do before I bring my husband home, so tomorrow will be a busy day. Viva healing. October 22, 2020 - Tonight I took Norman out for his last pee session before his bedtime. He stood there staring at the moon and Jupiter and Saturn that are hanging around in a triangle. He watched it for a good 30 seconds. I wonder what his brain was thinking - most likely something like "Can I eat those things?" My husband is home. The drive home from Ann Arbor was uncomfortable for him - but he made it home in one piece. My youngest son was at the house babysitting Norman for us and he let Norm out in the dog pen and carried in the tons of stuff we had to bring home. A brown grocery bag full of drugs plus boxes that included feeding tube bags, formula for his meals, suction hoses, a portable suction machine, lavage bullets for help cleaning out his breathing tube, fiber free gauze, and many other things. I set my husband up so all of it was handy and organized. I had gotten a lazy susan and put a small table by him so his most frequently needed things he could just rotate and grab easily. His layrngectomy tube (worn with a filter to moisturize and clean the air going into his lungs plus hold the breathing stoma open as it heals) kept flying out so I was constantly cleaning it and lubing it up and putting it back in. I know he was tired. He wrote that it felt good to be in HIS CHAIR. I could not sleep a wink Tuesday night. It was like having our first baby and not being able to sleep for a while after bringing them home because you are convinced they will stop breathing or something. Wednesday was a hard day for me being a full time nurse and working full time and being so tired. I did my best. My husband was way depressed on Wednesday and did very little for himself. Toward evening he finally wrote why he was down and we talked it out and he felt much better. This is the hardest thing he's ever done. Patience is required on my part. I did mention again I NEED HIS HELP FOR HIM TO HEAL. I had to come up with a chart for myself to know the schedules for medicines, wound cleansing and protection, stoma sucking, mouth rinsing, liquid food bag feedings, sponge bathing, exercises, and enemas. By the end of the day I thought to myself that nurses deserve about 200,000 a year. I slept hard and apparently loudly Wednesday night as the first thing he wrote to me this morning was he was sure I slept good due to all the snoring from the bedroom. Hahaha. I felt much better today. Sleep makes a world of difference. He got up in the night and did his own pain med dosing. *Example of feeding tubes and taking medicine: Of course, he cannot swallow yet. He has to suction out all saliva he produces. He has to rinse his mouth and spit it out every four hours. His throat has to heal inside first before they have him learn to swallow again. They literally cut his throat open do remove his voice box and used muscles/veins from his left leg to reconstruct his throat. All intake to his stomach goes through a feeding tube that runs through his nose into his stomach. He has to take liquid protein three times a day plus he has to have five boxes of liquid 'food' and 7 cups of water. Most of his medicine is liquid but I have to crush the Tylenol and aspirin and synthroid (since what they did to his throat stopped his thyroid from working). I mix that fine powder into water. He has to clear his feeding tube with a syringe first, then I suck up the medicine and he injects that, then has to clean the feeding tube with water again. We are both getting quite proficient with the large syringes. He has moments where he says he feels 'fuzzy' and cannot focus. He'll be writing something and stop, staring at the whiteboard as if he's confused. I have that on the list to ask the doctor when we go back Monday for a post surgery check up. Normally this happens at night and I think it is due to being so tired. I have been weening him off of his oxycodone dose amount. They said he could take up to 10 ml every four hours but really, that is causing his constipation, so I've been giving him two Tylenol and 5 ml of oxycodone. October 23, 2020 - I think we have a good routine down now for all the stuff that has to be maintained, injected, cleaned, etc. There was funny moment yesterday when I was trying to attach a new Kangaroo (the Y shaped hose that hooks to his feeding tube where we inject meds and food). I went to change it (they send new ones) but it was not the right type. I took pictures of what we currently have and of the new one and sent it to the place that supplies them. While I was doing this, my husband was trying to blow open the second package of one we had to look at that one and he realized finally he cannot blow through his mouth anymore, and he looked at me and mouthed "DUH" and we both laughed. He cannot smell things either, so I've I am free to fart like crazy around him. The place emailed back and said that indeed we had the wrong ones and they were getting us more today. He also and still make clicking noises with his mouth, so I get that sound when I make a boo boo on something. It is kind of funny to me. He wrote out a nice request to me this morning that said, "Please don't go as far as you've been going to suction out my airway and don't be so aggressive." I do tend to do things with gusto. When I was learning how to do this at the hospital, Nurse Terry said, "Um, LADY LIKE, please!!" He is covered in bruises and looks like he got in a horrid car wreck. There were IVs all over him at one point. He wrote that his feet hurt badly, so I got the foot massager out and soaked his feet. I also got out the biggest pair of socks he owns because his other socks were leaving marks at the top on his legs. He was so happy. It's the little things. My dear friend Lisa (who I've been friends with since 3rd grade) brought me a fruit salad that I had been craving for so long, plus two bags of fruit salad to freeze. She also got me a gift card to a local grocery store and she made the best zucchini bread ever. I ate half of that loaf last night with fruit on top. My BFF Vickie is sending me some Norwex products to help with the dust in here and keeping things cleaner (so debris doesn't get in his stoma.) I am blessed by the best people in my life. I don't know what I've done in my life to deserve such support. Friend Sue brought me dinner on Tuesday night which was a blessing since I had no time to make anything for myself. Happy Sigh. I also signed up for Smart911. If I were you I would call your local dispatch's non emergency number as see if they participate and sign up for that. You can list all the issues at your home, every car you drive and the license plates, your pets, and every phone you would be using. If your county uses Smart911, all that vital info comes up to them when you dial from any of those numbers!! So if my husband calls 911 (of course he cannot talk) they will know to dispatch help right away if no one is talking. It is free to sign up - please see if your county uses it! October 25, 2020 - When I was in 7th grade, there were so many of us that they staggered our school hours so some of us rode the buses with elementary kids and some with the high school kids. I was in the group that rode with the elementary kids. I believe I was the only 7th grader on that bus. (That was 47 years ago, so I could be wrong.) I only mention this because on one of the trips home - and event happened that changed my life in a way. (One of the many little events in life that form you as a human.) A little kid got sick to his stomach, and the kids around him all made typical 'grossed out' sounds and were hollering. The bus driver pulled over and just threw a roll of paper towels back towards the kid and started driving again!! Something in my brain snapped. I believe this was the first time I 'talked back' to an adult - I said, 'YOU'VE LOST YOUR COMPASSION' as loudly as I dared (I do remember being very mad at her) and went over to clean the poor dude up. She yelled at me to 'SIT DOWN' and I just got in next to the dude and after cleaning him up, held his head to me. That was a moment when I realized that all humans ooze things. We all pee ourselves from time to time (now - in my case, constantly) or bowel movement accidents or puke or drool in our sleep or cough fur balls across rooms or ... humans are messy creatures. Our society had made it so most people are afraid to even fart in public, let alone deal with the inevitable 'accident' or projectile vomiting without inflicting shame on the puker. I decided I didn't like that people judged based on bodily functions. At first I was so mad at the bus driver - That poor little kid was sick and he needed a hug. Puke was just something his body didn't want inside of him and it was not his fault. I felt sorry for the bus driver who couldn't even find two minutes to help the wee dude or maybe puke made her puke, so she couldn't help him because it would have caused a domino puke apocalypse .... At that moment I felt love for all things yet a sort of anger that some people can be cruel... Sigh. Being human is complicated. I see Norman over there going to town on his private area sounding like he's sloshing a mop bucket, and I think maybe I just decided I want to be a dog... Taking care of my husband is getting better and not so stressful. He's doing more and more on his own. I think we've talked/whitboarded more in the last week than we did the prior forty years. Smile. His eye expressions are good an conveying information such as OUCH, THAT HURTS or YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG or THANK YOU. Can't wait for the trip back to University of Michigan hospital to find out how he is really doing. The Norwex cleaning cloths my BFF sent are kind of fascinating - I spend a lot of time finding out how terrible of a house cleaner I really am as I was getting dirt up from all over the place. I gave up after about an hour because in reality, all the inbound debris that falls to the Earth every day (which is about 100 metric tons) falls in to my house, so I was fighting a losing battle. The cleaning cloths are pretty cool, though. I plan on using one of the body / bath cloths when I hose down my husband today. He's not had a shower since 10/13. They send home a breathing stoma cover that sort of looks like the lower half of Darth Vadar's mask to keep the water out of his breathing hole so he doesn't drown and I will have to saran wrap and tape all his other 'holes' and tubes, but that boy is going to smell so much better by tonight. He's flaking all over the place currently. Oh, speaking of smells - Every since my radiation I've had issues tasting/smelling things. It gets better all the time, but certain smells or tastes are not 'right' yet according to my memory. Pepsi has never tasted the same but I grabbed one from the store up in Ann Arbor and IT TASTED LIKE I THOUGHT IT SHOULD! I never drink a whole bottle, mind you - I like water or unsweet iced tea - but sometimes you need a carbonated beverage, and I enjoyed the hell out of that Pepsi. October 26, 2020 - The boy had a shower! Viva being clean. He was a messy, flaky and stinky guy. The shower was scary for him because when you think about it - he could literally drown if water gets in his breathing stoma, so I don't blame him. We took it slow and I tried my best not to hurt his incisions and tubes that still are sticking out of him. The Darth Vadar mask worked pretty good to keep water out of his neck hole. It took a while to calm him down afterwards, much coughing, suctioning, and cajoling was required. I had to get out the oxygen finger meter to assure him he was breathing OK. He was, but if he can look and see his oxygen level, he calms down faster. I have to get him used to covering his breathing stoma with a hanky when he coughs. I can confirm to inquiring minds that he has quite the spew range when coughing. As one of the nurses said at the hospital, "You are in the line of fire..." I sure hope he gets to have the two drain tubes out today. That is two less things to get in the way and take care of. I had asked my daughter to come for Sunday and today so I can get my husband to Ann Arbor today while she babysits Norman. Norman likes my daughter a lot. She swept for me and did laundry. I ran to the store when she got here. It was a nice break. October 28, 2020 - Norman is outside, eating grass. Apparently he needs to purge. He only eats grass when he wants to puke it back up - he is not one of those "Ooo, I love grass as a side salad" kind of dogs. He does this from time to time and I always feel it is in protest of what I have given him for breakfast. He has not eaten his breakfast yet because I am sure he wants more stuff put in there to make it more of a 'treat' but I am not doing that this morning. The visit to U of M went well on Monday. They took out the remaining two drainage tubes and the surgeon said he didn't even have to wear his stoma tube anymore. He whipped it out of my husband's throat and put it in a rubber glove and handed it to me. All the other people in the room just rolled their eyes. When the surgeon left, they all said to wear it for a while more. He's only been out of surgery for 13 days, and they said it is best if he wears it to filter his air and while his stoma completely heals. He doesn't have to wear the ace-like bandage around his 'throat dissection' cut on his throat anymore, which was a relief to him. He can start drinking a liquid diet as well. The surgeon shoved a cup of water in my husband's hand and said, "Drink Up!" My husband did and you could see it caused some weird feelings. The doctor offered to take out the feeding tube. My husband is not ready for that. I am sure it is very scare to go from not swallowing for 13 days to expecting to get your total calorie intake BY swallowing. They told me how to take out the feeding tube when my husband is ready. My husband says, "Maybe this Friday..." We'll see. The doctor said, "You can even brush your teeth!" He goes back in three weeks to get his tracheo oesophageal puncture (from here on out known as a TEP). They cut a small opening in his trachea and esophagus and insert a tube like, spool looking thing. It will have to be cleaned twice a day at least, and changed one a month to several times a year - depending. I watched some videos. Why do I watch videos on line?? Sigh. I guess our new catch phrase will continue to be, "Time to suck you!" He has written, "Years ago that had a whole different meaning!" All of this care is not for the faint of heart, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?? My friend Linda stopped by yesterday. (I make everyone wear masks when they are in the house.) She brought my husband a cute card and a gift card from Amazon. She brought me a lovely card and bag of bath bombs and candy! It was good to see her. She has kept close tabs on us and it is nice to know she's there. My BFF sends hugs every day and everyone has just been GREAT on keeping in touch and making sure I'm not going crazy and my husband is doing OK. My friend Deb brought me a lovely mum plant and my friend Amy sent me a lovely card and a gift card. People have been so awesome. I cannot even begin to explain the love I feel. I almost lost it last night, however. It had to happen...eventually. Being a 'nurse' to any male (no offense to any males that read this, but you guys tend to be a handful when you do not feel well) is hard. They have a higher sensitivity to pain than women and their patience is almost non-existent. Last night, after sucking out the phlegm from his throat and getting him this and that and cleaning wounds and such, I sat in my desk chair to gather my thoughts - mark off stuff on his chart I keep to be sure I am doing stuff right when he took his hand and smacked them on his chair. Smack Smack Smack. I heard, 'CHOP CHOP CHOP, WOMAN!" (I had not immediately gone and gotten his pain meds ready and he was letting me know loudly.) I got up and was MAD. HE can do that stuff, too. He is healing well. HE isn't broken. He if functional. I went and prepared his pain meds (there is pill crushing involved and you have to make it into a fine,fine powder) and brought it to him. He could tell I was upset. He wrote later, "Why are you upset?" and I said, "Remember that one time I had clots and such cramps so badly that I could barely walk or stand up and I asked you to go to the store for Industrial strength Pamprin for me and you didn't, because you had just gotten home from work and didn't feel like it?" I spun around and sat in my lazy boy and started to play games. I wanted to also say, "Remember when I was recovering from breast surgery and then radiation and you did very little to help me??!!!!" I stopped at the Pamprin reference, though. Speaking out of anger is not a good idea. He wrote out several long ramblings on his white board. He said he didn't mean to sound demanding and he also wrote, "I didn't take care of you when you were sick with cancer, did I?" I didn't say a word. It felt good to express some anger instead of bottling it up, though. Sigh. So far this morning he's been taking care of himself. The only thing he's still leery of is suctioning out his airway. I am sure that is scary. Me, it's just snot that is in the wrong place and has to come out... I stood outside this morning - this time of year is my favorite southern view of the skies. Norman got up at 4:45 so I while I stood out with him I enjoyed Orion and the southern stars. (Less light pollution to the south!) Betelgeuse is due to go super nova any time, and I always hope I get to see it live. It will be bright and I hope I see it in my life time. (Catch 22 is it could have gone super nova 600 years ago and we still wouldn't have see the light from it yet...) Overall we are going forward and dealing with the life we've been given. That is all you can do. Left foot, right foot. (Oh, and soaking in a hot tub with a bath bomb - you HAVE to do that!) November 1, 2020 - The moon has been just stunning last night and the night before. So darned bright and big. I love the moon because it helped the Earth stabilize its rotation and all. The moon is the Earth's best friend as it were. The moon is moving away from us at about an inch and a half a year. It must be hard for the Earth to see its best friend 'leaving' but we have many thousands of years to still enjoy each other. On Friday my awesome neighbor Justin and my other awesome neighbor Ron came and mulched up the leaves that had fallen so far. Very very kind of them. It looked just beautiful for the rest of the day. Saturday morning the maple trees decided to protest by dumping their first wave of leaves everywhere the boys had cleaned up. Mother Nature always has the last word. The patient is improving every day. He's taken over most of his own care but he still likes me to do the suctioning of his breathing stoma but he CAN do it if he has to. He set up the room humidifier yesterday since it is getting colder and the humidity in the living room needed a boost. He has a machine that he uses at night that provides a slight mist to help keep his airway. Humidity will be a thing we worry about until we're so old we forget to worry about it. The nose and mouth keep the incoming air for humans moist and warmed and cleaned. He no longer has that luxury. We have an air purifier near his chair. We have to irrigate his airway (at this time four times a day or so - but for the rest of his life) with a saline solution. As he heals, the airway will even out more as it gets used to dryer air so his coughing will decrease, but now he has good bouts of hacking. He has to learn to cover his stoma hole, that's for sure. I have left hankies by his chair as a 'hint' - you don't want to use Kleenex per say since it has fibers in it and you don't want to be inhaling fibers. I have cleaned up more 'hack attacks' that I care to count. I find it kind of funny when it happens so I don't mind cleaning up. It reminds me of a cat coughing up a fur ball with gusto. He has good projectile range. (If you care for a laryngectomy patient, I suggest the use of safety glasses.) Norman gets so upset when we're using the suction machine. I think he thinks I am hurting my husband. He almost climbed over the dog gate we have up to protect my husband this morning. He eventually worked his way into the circle of the gate to assist in the suction routine. We were both laughing - he was also coughing (a messy combo). I have been reading about life with a laryngectomy and have found many good sites about it. As soon as he's heals, though, I will get him in to get a flu shot and a pneumonia shot. From what I've read, bronchitis and bad lung stuff would not be a good thing. We watched a live stream of Here Come the Mummies concert last night - the kids (except the youngest) were also watching. We missed our yearly concert to see them due to Covid, so this was a fun replacement. They were GOOD and it rocked. A nice, well deserved diversion from life. It is very windy right now and we got pelting snow balls and rain. Norman is confused by the high winds. He attempted to bite it when he went out last time. It is a good day to stay inside and cover up with a blanket and hack furballs. November 6, 2020 - I talked to my BFF on the phone last night. I don't care what mood I am in, she can always make me bust a gut laughing over something. I don't know how she does it - she is rather stealthy when she does it. So stealthy that I do end up peeing myself laughing so hard. I should know to sit on a towel when we talk. She brought up a awesome point last night when she said, "Isn't it weird how you are thankful for things now you never thought you'd be thankful for?" The truest statement ever. Thanksgiving Month is my favorite 'celebration' - NOT because it is related to Pilgrims and the herd of immigrants that came in and eventually took away all the land from the Indians. I am not happy about that aspect of the holiday. I love Thanksgiving because of the "thankful" part of it. I am thankful for the harvest that keep us fed, and I am thankful IN GENERAL. I am always amazed at the generosity of people I know and overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I am blessed with awesome kids and family and friends and a wonderful job and .... I am just BLESSED. (Side Note: I had an acquaintance once say I was so amazed at life and so in awe of life because I am a privileged person and have no clue how awful other people have it around the world. I beg to differ - I do know that, hence the reason I'm amazed and blessed.) During all the the things going on with my husband, friends have just be so awesome and overwhelming us with support. I am thankful for that more than I could express to all of them. I believe (to be honest) that this is the first time I accepted help with open arms. Admitting you can't do it all and that you need help is very hard for a feisty old woman such as myself to admit, but I finally have learned to be thankful and accept the help and love.  I have a new
refrigerator. Ours died on Tuesday
morning. I can't be without a
fridge, so I got on line and looked
for an affordable fridge THAT WAS IN
STOCK. (Many appliances are NOT in
stock since Covid.) I found one
almost like our dead on in stock at
a local Lowes store - a plain jane
Frigidaire freezer on top model.
Nothing fancy. I bought it on line,
thinking how lucky I was to find it.
I asked my neighbor to go fetch it
for me. Justin went and got it while
I was cleaning the space where it
would go and putting all the food
stuff in coolers. (My husband is NOT
supposed to lift anything over 5 -
10 pounds while his throat heals. He
felt useless that day and wrote it
down how useless he felt. I told him
not to feel bad - he had MAJOR
surgery, for gosh sakes!! "You had a
THROAT DISSECTION!!"When Justin got back with the fridge, I called Ron over to help get it in the house. My husband wrote, "Um, that is not the fridge you got on line..." It was a huge stainless steel deluxe Whirlpool refrigerator! The boys all said, "Just keep it! It was their mistake." True - it was. The pick ticket on that shiny monster stated it was a cheap Frigidaire fridge. Someone made a major pull and pick mistake. I needed a fridge. I told them I would keep it. Justin had to take the doors off of it to get it in the house. I love that fridge. I open it up just to gaze inside of it... I couldn't, however, live with the lie. I called corporate customer service at Lowes on Wednesday morning and told them. They said the store Manager would get back with me - that he had to handle it. He called later in the day and I explained what happened and he was almost rude. No "thank you for being honest" or anything - just "I will cancel your other order and charge you for this one." So I spent way way more than I had intended, but I love that fridge. (Did I mention I love that fridge?) I've never had anything 'deluxe' in my life when it comes to appliances. I only have one pair of tennis shoes and no business casual work shoes anymore. I wear the same clothes for decades...I don't do 'deluxe' nor do I do much for myself at all (except consume large quantities of items with chocolate and keep my roots colored). I did write to corporate and suggested to them their managers could at least fake being nice... Norman is still confused why my husband won't play with him. Soon, I tell Norman....soon. He takes his frustration out on the couch and pulls all the cushions off looking for things that are not there. He will sometimes find a gap in the 'play pen' gate we have around my husband to keep Norm out, and walk right up to him and sit on his lap. Norman will lean in to you with all 116+ pounds he has when he wants love. My husband will pet him for a bit until Norman starts doing the flip backward to kiss you thing, then he scoots him out. Norman will live. My neighbors have been wonderful letting Norm slobber all over their dogs. Ron and Sue got a new puppy (golden retriever) named Gertie. She is a hoot. She has no fear of the big dogs and will go after Norman with gusto. He doesn't quite know what to do about that...yesterday she was chewing on his foot and he kept backing up and up and looking at me like, 'HELP!' She is a fluff ball of sassy adorable-ness. I need to get pictures of Gertie - I like that she's a spit fire. She will give Norman a run for his money. Gertie has taken some of the heat off of Lucy, the pitbull, who was formerly the object of Norm's affections and drool. Lucy actually seems HAPPY about having Gertie...hahahaha. Normally I decorate for all holidays. I am not doing it this year, I think. I'm scared of all the dust I will kick up if I do. Dust in a stoma is not good. I love Thanksgiving so much that I will put out my turkey collection, however. I will dust it all off in the bedroom first, though. I felt bad the other day - I have been eating frozen single meals since bringing my husband home. Since he can't eat - what is the point of cooking? I wanted 'real' solid food, though, and got myself a small pizza and salad delivered. I know he felt bad. As he says, "I'm always hungry!" and I don't blame him. (He cannot smell, mind you - since he breathes now through his neck stoma, but just the thought of food must drive him nuts.) He gets in a days worth of calories in liquid form and he can taste the drinks, but I know he longs for real food. I emailed one of his care people at U of M and asked when we can start trying stuff like mashed potatoes and scrambled eggs. He is three weeks and three days out from surgery now. The boy wants food. (He's lost almost 20 pounds, but he needed to anyway - but I can only imagine how he hankers for food.) November 10, 2020 - Oh Happy Day! My husband was given the all clear from his surgeon to start eating soft foods! Tonight supper is very tender chicken and mashed potatoes. He is thrilled. I am thrilled I don't have to eat a frozen meal. I notice he is chewing VERY thoroughly and slowly. I bet after not eating solid food for weeks, you are going to be very cautious. He keeps smiling... So far so good. He is taking it very slowly, however, and I don't blame him. I didn't know Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup was so chewy... Norman loves the new neighbor puppy, Gertie. She is a very adorable golden retriever, FULL OF SPUNK AND SASS at 8 weeks old! She is NOT afraid of the bigger dogs at all. I try to make Norman get down on the ground to play with her - so she can chew on him and crawl all over him. (She seems quite interested in Norman's scrotum at this point, but I am sure to her it is just play balls for her to chew. So far we've avoid the razor sharp puppy teeth chomping on Norman's lower regions - not sure how he would react, but I'm pretty sure he'd jump.) The only time I cannot control Norman around Gertie is when she runs. To Norman, if you run obviously you need him to run and he is a huge dog that can hurt a small puppy with full body impact. Sigh. It boils down to a 15 lbs puppy to a 120 lbs puppy. I worry a lot he will hurt her. (Gertie's "Dad" just called her Cujo - hahahahaha - because she was chewing on Norman.) Yesterday, I did not play with Norman enough, so by 7 p.m. he was having a major butt run zoomy fit that did not end for 15 minutes! I finally got him out in the pen to do it - and he ran in circles for a long long time. Phew. Poor dude. He needs at least two good hard play sessions with the dogs next door or playing soccer with me. He also has a new favorite toy he loves - it's a 'Chuck It' flying disc my daughter got him (until I chucked it into a tree - then there was a small time without it. It either fell out or my neighbor Justin got it down for us.) I have said a million times how grateful I am for my friends and neighbors and I shall keep saying it. People have been so good to me I can't even begin to tell you... Their compassion has been overwhelming. I am blessed, and I am not sure what I did to deserve such loved shown but I am grateful for it and accept it with open arms and gratitude. I get teary eyed every time I think of it. JUST.SO.BLESSED. If I was a good girl, I'd go do dishes. Plus, I've had a new bread maker for months - I think I will finally read the instructions and make my awesome neighbors something..eventually - not tonight...but soon. November 18, 2020 - Norman is starting to lift his leg to pee. The first time I saw this I yelled at my neighbor - being the proud Mom that I was. (Justin hears me yelling all the time, so he normally just smiles and shakes his head because for the most part he doesn't care what I am hollering about.) Norman will do a graceful downward dog pose to go and never lift his leg, but I think he's watched his doggy friend Steve enough to know that it is important to lift the leg to mark a spot effectively. Norman is 10 months old now - I am sure he's feeling the need to establish his own slobbered-up territory. I am starting to see more of the whole 'gentle giant' tendency in him when he plays with Gertie, the new golden retriever puppy. She has no fear and will pull on his ears and jowls and he takes it like a pro. He does knock her over on occasion because he is not aware that he's not little like her. He's still a puppy, but a 120 pound puppy who's legs/paws should be registered as a legal weapon. We went back to the University of Michigan to get my husband's TEP and device put in. This was on Monday. I know he was 'scared' about the procedure but they didn't give him any time to be 'afraid' - the minute we went back into the room there was his surgeon's team and they all started doing something - the doctor was spraying numbing meds down both nostrils and the intern was shooting a numbing shot in through his stoma. They went at it fast and furious. The speech therapist who was supposed to be the person who inserted the device didn't even get in to the room until the intern was already attempting to insert it. Five medical people gathered around him and he kept his eyes closed the whole time. In a way I am glad they went at it so quickly. It was over before you knew it. I got to watched the camera view on the screen on what they were doing. That device is so small! It looks like a wee little spool. There is a valve inside of it that allows air to flow through to the esophagus when he covers his stoma. That will move air up and over muscles in his throat that will vibrate. The therapist talked him through trying to make a sound, and when he did it sounded like burp talking which thrilled me. (When we first met back in 1979, one of the things he wooed me with was his ability to belch the alphabet. Me, coming from a more sheltered background, had never heard such a thing and I laughed and laughed.) When we got back to the car I danced in the parking structure - I was so happy he could make 'noise' as it were. He covered his stoma and said, "I'm not burpin' the alphabet" and this made me laugh loudly again. "Aren't you happy you will be able to 'talk'??" I asked him. I could clearly hear him say, "Tickled Shitless..." He has never been a man of many words - he's quiet and I'm loud and rowdy - but I do miss the smart remarks he makes at times. It loses it's sting when he has to write them all out. I am just glad the cancer is gone. We've had enough cancer here in this house. The only issue with the new device - we are not allowed to clean it and it should be cleaned after every meal. We go back December 8th to learn all of that, but due to the holidays and the therapist's vacation, we are delayed quite a bit. Sigh. He's already clogged it up with phlegm so he can't use it already. We have to learn how to clean it correctly or we could rip the little spool valve out. So, again we wait. Still, he will be able to belch commands soon. We have decided as a collective family unit we will not gather for Thanksgiving. The spikes in Covid have us concerned. My oldest son is a long haul truck driver and is exposed to many dock workers even though he is diligent and wears his mask and sanitizes after being in buildings. My wee one is a social butterfly with his core group. If one of them get it, they all will, but they pretty much stay as that 'core group' so I'm not worried about him either. However, to be safe and protect my husband, we will just Zoom each other. I will miss the chaos of this tiny house being packed with my awesome 'babies' though...I adore how each one has a unique sense of humor and outlook on life - I could watch them interact for hours. November 21, 2020 - I've only had one cup of coffee, so this will be a pile of random babbling - um, like always. Speaking of coffee, have you noticed on all the coffee creamer commercials that they show the person pouring in like half a gallon of creamer? That makes me laugh. Who needs coffee when you can just drink creamer, right? Often I wonder if we are not sitting on a pocket of radon below our house for both of us to have had cancer... Who knows. I think we are all predisposed to get it - a fault in our genetics, perhaps. I think getting a form of cancer is a crap shoot - healthy people get it, non-smokers, smokers, babies, rich people, poor people - it just is a fact of life. I don't like these facts. If it's not cancer, our hearts give out or our hips explode or... life, go figure. I am so darned tickled by the groups of geese we have around here. There are three 'groups' that come in to the harvested corn field across the road in the morning. Noisy and not ones to stick to a set flight path. Hahahaha. They fly around this way and that before they land which drives Norman INSANE that he cannot chase them. They fly out at night the same way, going in big loops and finally deciding to either go south or east. Last night when they were being all geese like and flying in random patterns, Norm broke out in a major 'butt run' or 'zoomy' in the dog pen. Dirt was flying. He was spazzing out big time. Hahahaha. This morning when they came in he looked at me as if to say, "Really, this doesn't bother you? You have NO URGE to run out into that field in the middle of them? Seriously?" My husband took down his 'gate' this morning that has surrounded him since 8/20. I put it up to protect him from Norman after surgery since he had so many tubes and bulbs of drainage hanging from him. Norman is thrilled to be near his 'Dad' again. He has sat on my husband's lap a lot this morning. Norm was a BIG HELP (not) when I was cleaning the stoma area on my husband's neck. He wants to right in there to help me. What Norman really wants is for my husband to go out and play soccer with him. That is still a few weeks off I fear... The neighbors have been fantastic, letting Norman maul and play with their dogs, which helps me tire Norman out and gives him social interaction. I have such cool neighbors that I consider dear friends. I could never repay them for what they've done for us. I like it since it is not so hot out - Norman doesn't goober up the other dogs as much when it is cooler. They usually end up covered with slime streaks and blobs of Norman's drool. Last night I was talking to my sister in law while I was out in the dog pen with Norman and decided I was getting chilly and I came back in. I did NOT see Normans huge bone he has that was on a towel in the kitchen (to collect Norman's drool after drinking) and I stepped on it and wiped out. The phone went flying into the bathroom with force and I started going down but caught myself on the dishwasher. Ouch. Just ouch. I cut a toe on my right foot and was leaving blood all over the place. Sigh. I called my sister in law back to explain why I threw her away so abruptly. My husband asked if I was OK and brought me a proper ice pack. I growled, 'THROW THAT BONE AWAY......' November 27, 2020 - I have been trying to get my husband to move more and when he does, Norman takes over his chair. I find it very humorous. At least there is that to keep me entertained as of late. I feel trapped and lonely and isolated. That issues was relieved a bit when we had a family Zoom Thanksgiving meeting with my kids. I felt so much better after that. I love those guys to pieces. They are funny and entertaining and I am happy they are my children. (OK, so they are adults, but they are awesome.) It cheered me up to no end. My friend Lisa brought us a full Thanksgiving meal yesterday as well. Turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, turkey, sausage stuffing, and corn pudding. She also brought us a pie. That was so darned sweet of her. Todd had two servings (which he has not done since before October 13th for any meal) and it ended up giving him grief later in the night with acid re-flux. He wrote on his white board that he had to be careful how he eats, but it was so good... he had the whole meal again for lunch today. I had a turkey sandwich. Why does a turkey sandwich with mayo the day after Thanksgiving taste so good? Right now I am eating lime jello. No one in my own family ever liked Jello, so for the last 40 years it is limited to me buying it in pre-made cups to make myself happy. It was a staple at my house growing up. My favorite salad used to be when Mom would use lime jello and shred in carrots and celery and maybe more stuff but I don't remember. I do remember I loved it. So tonight I am savoring lime jello and grooving on it. Yum. Jello is full of sugar and isn't necessarily good for you but it is a comfort food I enjoy and I feel it is less damaging than ice cream or mac n cheese. (Of course, I'm not a doctor, but I've watched them on TV and I am sure they would all agree with me.) November 28, 2020 - I was out and about today to grocery shop and pick up all the things on my husband's list. I had to go to more than one store to find it all. It was nice to get out - such a sunny day, but I always go back to that dark place in my mind where I think of all the times over the last 40 years where I had asked him to pick something up for me and he wouldn't do it. Why do I always go to that place? A woman's memory on some things is like an elephant's, I suppose. Sigh. I don't like feeling 'dark' to be honest, especially on a sunny day as today. So I shook my head and told myself to stop being a negative Nellie and get the groceries and go home and do what I had to do. Dishes, laundry, etc. The thrilling life I'm leading is almost overwhelming. Smile. Norman was outside because my husband can't handle it when Norman is hyper. It would probably help if he could holler at Norman or talk to him, I'm sure. I can't wait to learn about how to clean his TEP device on December 8th so he can start talking again. I've watched many videos on people with devices such as that and many sound pretty good, even learning how to modulate the sound. It takes practice. I will read the book we got from the technician when he had it inserted. Patience - I thought I had learned it with kids, but I was wrong - there is always more patience to learn... I ordered a pizza for supper tonight because I WANTED ONE. I got a Chicago style pizza. I think it is yummy. I was going to make potato soup for supper but after shopping, I had a terrible bout of lazy. Ordering a pizza on line seemed to be a lot easier. I did put up some snowflake window clings up today - which is the first I've decorated for a Holiday this year. A start. I also bought some cool garland I will put up over the doorways. I have not gotten the gumption up to go upstairs and go through Christmas decorations to see what I might put up this year. I really feel obligated to put up some things for MY SAKE. I did so miss the kids being here at Thanksgiving and no doubt we won't gather for Christmas, either. There is the Covid issue, plus we have such a tiny house, and they all have dogs - it just won't work. This will be the first Christmas since I started shooting out kids where we won't be together. I hope we do another Zoom meeting, though. That was fun and lifted my spirits a lot. I suppose I'll shut up now. I am depressing myself. I am sure we all feel 'blah' and confined and unattached to the 'real world' the last 8 months, so I am not alone. Maybe it is time for a trip to the therapist, aye? December 3, 2020 - Ah, end of the day. Norman finally fell asleep. He's been a hyperactive turd head all day. It is puberty, I'm sure. I had to go in to work earlier this week, and my husband kept texting me that he could not control Norman. He was frantic and upset. I hurried as fast as I could. When I walked in the door, there was fluff from murdered toys everywhere and the cushions on the couch were everywhere and my husband looked like he was beaten and left for dead. Sigh. I know it frustrates my husband that he cannot yell or talk to Norman. I am sure Norman feels that if there is no verbal reprimand he's free and clear to act his age. I called a bunch of doggy day care places around here, but none of them will take Norman until he's 'fixed' - and for a Dane you want to wait a while before you do that so they get their growing out of the way. I talked to my friend who gave me Norman and she said since Norman is almost 11 months old, it will be fine to neuter him. She said most of his growing is done, and all an early neuter will mean is he will only get to be about 140 pounds vs 200 for a normal male Dane. HECK YEAH! I'LL TAKE THE COMPACT VERSION!! I called my vet and they can't fit Norman in until February! UGH. I will call the other local vets and see if they can do it. I need to be able to take him to a doggy babysitter because I've got to be at work on some days. I can do most of my work from home, but I need to be there (especially lately when I am formatting labels for new customers.) I bet I could neuter him myself if I drank enough and could run as fast as Norman. Smile. Norman just loves Gertie, my neighbors baby golden. Gertie (aka Cujo) will throw herself on Norman and pull at his jowls and just go nuts attacking him. I find this very funny. Norman, being 100 pounds heavier than Gertie, could cause damage to the poor puppy but he will pretty much will get on her level and let her maul him. He gets excited, though, and today he pulled me over on to the ground when I was trying to hold him back as they took Gertie home. Sigh. Norman then proceeded to try to take my ear muffs off. I finally got up on my own - amazing - and shook my head all the way home. That will be the first line of my obituary - "Sandy was killed by her beloved Great Dane this week..." I am thankful I have some muscles and I am bulky, other wise I'm sure I'd already be dead. I did get to see my therapist this morning. Over the last two years, I've had many epiphanies as I 'self therapy' by just blabbing to her but there was nothing to have an epiphany about. I am just tired and need time for me. I need alone time - I need to able to walk away from all the chaos that has been my life for last few months ... years... I need to be free of responsibility and just concentrate on me. It will be a while before I can do this - but I can at least steer the boat in the right direction and get ready to try. Really, there is not much to 'blog' about. Nothing hysterically funny. I miss that, I really do. December 4, 2020 - Oh My Goodness. Finally something exciting happened. Today I had to run and get meds for my husband. I was only gone 20 minutes. When I got home, I could smell natural gas. (Now mind you, normally I can't smell it since my radiation. Some smells have come back to me since the radiation ended early in 2019, but not all. Natural gas was one of the things I have always worried about because I wouldn't know if it was leaking or not. Now I know I CAN SMELL IT!!) I walked in the door and said to my husband, "The gas meter must be leaking... and then I hollered, "Holy Crap - THE GAS IS IN HERE!!" He opened the front door and I opened the back door to air out the house. He had bumped one of the knobs on the stove and the whole time I was gone, it was emitting gas!!! Yikes. The week before his surgery I had ordered a natural gas alarm preparing for when my husband came home. If there were going to be two 'non-smellers' in the house, we have to protect ourselves. I had totally forgotten about that alarm and it never got mounted. Bet your bottom dollar it is up now!! Yikes. If I had gone to work for a few hours, he would have exploded if Norman caused a spark with his static antics!! December 7, 2020 - My son in law is here. He came all the way from Chicago to babysit Norman for us when we go to U of M tomorrow for my husband's appointment. I can't thank my kids enough for being such a big help to us. Norman is so excited he is here, that he's not left him alone all night. I finally just gave him a bully stick to chew on so Pat could at least sit down and relax a bit. I managed to put up some Christmas lights on the dog fence. I had to have lights. However, I am not about to go up and down a ladder on my own to decorate the front of the house because #1)The ground is unstable without a spotter #2) I am a fat old woman and I don't want to break my hip falling from a ladder - that will be Norman's job to break my hip #3) I am an utterly a lazy person. I like the few lights on the dog fence just fine. Lots of color. I like lots of color. I also ordered myself a blow up snowman to put out front as well. I also put out my wooden Christmas tree that my neighbor Ron made for me, too. I feel better. I decorated in the living room just a wee bit so you know what season it is, and used up all my Christmas window clings on they windows. It actually made me feel better, decorating a little. December 9,2020 - I ordered a blow up snowman that has a multicolored light in his belly and we put it up today. Norman barked for over a half hour at the deflated snowman. It is in front of his dog pen and he wouldn't go near the front of the pen. Hahahaha. I am safe from inflatable Christmas decorations. One of Norman's many talents is to be terrified of anything 'new' - I believe this is a Great Dane trait. He is finally able to go outside and not freak out, but he's started digging under the fence to try to get to the snowman. I can't wait until it gets dark and I turn on the lights...he'll probably poop himself. (Norman, not the Snowman...) My cousin alerted me to the fact we MAY be able to see Northern lights in Southwest Michigan. I sure hope it stays clear tonight and we DO get to see some. I don't care if they are not that bright - just seeing them makes me happy. I've seen them several times this far south. Once was FANTASTIC as we were getting a solar type storm and the whole sky just 'crawled' with wiggling light, and once when the kids were small I took the out in the yard at night to look North and we saw some green ones dancing in the sky. My husband can finally TALK. In short bursts, but still communicate!! I learned how to take care and clean his TEP device, and it is SO NICE for him to be able to express himself with voice instead of on a white board!! He has never been a man of many words but at this point, I'll take ANY WORDS! He is going to have to work on 'talking' to Norman because Norman doesn't think that is his voice yet - but Norman will learn. My husband's poor Mom is in hospice at this time. We never did tell her about my husband's cancer and repeated surgeries and the voice box removal...she knew he was having throat problems but we never said he had cancer and radiation and such. Mom tended to obsess over things and she would have just made herself sick worrying about her baby boy. He could talk to his Mom up until October. We were going to tell Mom about it once he could speak with his new internal device, but now it won't be possible. She had terrible leg pain last Thursday my sister in law called the ambulance. The hospital said she had a massive blood clot in her leg. Surgery was not a good option. She's 95. They said if they did surgery, they would have to take the leg. She voiced her displeasure with that idea. The poor dear was in SUCH PAIN. They have kept her on pain medicines and moved her to a hospice house. I sincerely hope they can keep her pain free until it is time for her to 'go home'...she's wanted to 'go home' for so long. We don't want her to leave, but NONE OF US WANTS TO SEE HER IN SUCH AWFUL PAIN. She is a wonderful Mom in Law. I am honored I am 'family' with all her kids. She plopped out some awesome kids. December 11, 2020 - My Mom in Law passed yesterday morning. I am glad she is pain free now but I will miss her. I will miss having gatherings with the family. (I hope we can keep that up anyway as time goes by and I hope we can gather and honor Mom once this Covid crap is over.) Mom was a giving person. You never left her presence without a bag of something. She would do drive by drop offs with items she knew we could use when she would go out garage sailing. She raised five fine kids on her own. I loved it when she laughed. I will miss her a lot. I had to run in to work to change backup tapes and do some label formatting and about an hour and a half after I was there I got a text from my husband which went something like this... "Norman is being an idiot so I put him outside then a flock of geese landed in the field across the road and he's been barking ever since at them and now every dog in the neighborhood is barking and..." I laughed. I texted back I would hurry and get done and come home as soon as I could. Norman still doesn't 'respect' my husband's new voice. He will look at him and listen, but he is not sure what to think. Yelling for my husband is out of the question until he learns to modulate his TEP device. Norman listens to me when I raise my voice and yell. (Does he always mind me when I yell? NO.) Yelling is what I came into this world doing. I excel at being loud. All through high school they would put me up front for the class at pep assemblies due to my ability to make ears bleed from my excessive volume. I have been missing my Aunt Jean and my Uncle Lorin and my Aunt Vera and Uncle Harold and my Mom and Dad. Sigh. I miss seeing them and doing stuff for them and talking to them. Maybe it is the holiday season that brings that feeling on? Maybe it has been the overall Covid isolation imposed on us all. There are just people in your life that you will always miss when they are gone... December 18, 2020 - Friday night. (I only mention that because I'm amazed I know what day it is since time has just globbed up all together since March.) It dawned on me today when I was trying to figure out why I've been feeling sad that I have not had a Christmas Eve without a kid involved since 1979. Sigh. The kids are always here. I enjoyed the excitement of little kids and presents, but I do so enjoy my adult children so so much. I will miss that this year. We are going to do a Zoom Meeting for Christmas Eve, so that will be kind of nice. I would prefer they were in the house and being loud and being typical siblings because I enjoy that chaos when all my 'babies' are home. I will, at least, get to see their faces with Zoom. Maybe I will drink a beer. It has been a long long time since I had a beer. I sure hope 2021 is a 'better' year. I miss HUGGING PEOPLE. I am a hugger. I have been suffering since late March. (Poor me, huh. More and more of people I know are getting Covid, so I just better shut up and be happy it has not decided to move in to my old body.) I know mankind was due to see a pandemic - I mean, humankind has gone through so many pandemics since mankind started - so having a pandemic was bound to happen. However, I am not happy it happened in my life time. Worse things could have happened, however. Yellowstone could have exploded (which it will eventually do) or California could slide into the ocean (which it eventually will). So, between the three choices, I suppose a pandemic was the best choice. Norman gets fixed on February 1st. I cannot take him to doggy daycare until he is neutered, and I so need to be able to go in to work and WORK from time to time. My husband has issues taking care of Norman when I'm gone. I talked to my friend that gave me Norman and who is a Dane expert. I know Danes are supposed to go until they are 2 years old to get fixed because it will impede their growth, but she said to get him fixed and we'll have a smaller Dane. I'm all for that. She said his main growth spurt was over so fixing him will be fine. So instead of a 210 pound male Dane, I will end up with a 150 pound Dane. I am all for that!! I was playing 'soccer' with him outside tonight and his need to 'fetch' goes above and beyond ANY dog I've had. It makes me laugh. Norman has brought me a lot of joy during this pandemic. All the bruises and pains I have because his love is sometimes expressed with full body slams has been worth it. I love my damned dog. One of my friends was talking about the fact they should start some upper body exercises so they didn't go in to 'old age' without good upper body strength. I suggested that they just get a Great Dane. Really. Trying to control one is good for your upper body muscle wise. Gertie the Golden puppy is getting so big! She is beautiful. What a hoot she is. She has 'outgrown' Norman and has been trying to play with Lucy the little pit bull dog - and Norman seems to be taking it well. Norman will go hang around with Steve the dog instead and run with Steve and try to pee on everthing Steve pees on. All of our 'babies' are growing up. Our neighbors invited us to Christmas dinner on Christmas Day. This sounds wonderful. My husband isn't so keen on going over there, though. Since he had his laryngectomy he has to use a suction machine to keep the goo out of his 'blow hole.' I am used to it now. I don't even notice that he's doing it anymore. He is self conscious about it, though. I told him he could bring his suction machine with him and put it in their bathroom and when he needed to use it, just go to the bathroom. We'll see. I am sure he will back out. They also offered to just bring dinner over, which is also nice. I would like to have humans to talk to, however. Like I said, we'll see. I am just glad he able to talk some now. That has been a wonderful thing. He is getting so he doesn't even have to think about how to breath to produce sound. I like those moments. There is hope at the end of the dark tunnel. Oh, someone asked me the other day what laryngectomy meant - and it is where they remove the entire larynx including the vocal folds, hyoid bone, epiglottis, thyroid and cricoid cartilage and a few tracheal cartilage rings. The aggressive cancer he had would start in the right vocal cord and go up into the epiglottis...getting a total laryngectomy seemed like the only way to prevent that. (Once it made a home in the epiglottis, it would have spread all over...) We won't have snow for Christmas. Part of me is sad because a White Christmas is ingrained in my DNA and I kind of expect it to enhance the joy of the season. Part of me is glad because really, the older I get the less I like to drive on snowy roads. I had my yearly eye appointment. I read at 20/20 even with a cataract on the left eye! I need reading glasses to read up close, but my eyes are still doing well. Good for my eyes. She dilated them and I'VE NEVER HAD THEM DILATED SO MUCH! Going home was weird. I felt like I was doing warp speed on the way home. All lights were like death beams. I kept my sunglasses on for a long time. The dilation lasted for what seemed like forever. The Doc and I were gabbin' like girls so maybe she went nuts on the medicine that does the dilating? Wow, just wow. I told her after that "DAMN, NOW I NEEDED GLASSES." hahahahaha I only sent out a few Christmas cards. Ugh. I usually have all my cards ready to send the weekend after Thanksgiving. I bought stamps and had every intention of sending out Christmas cards. Prior to this year it was always a favorite thing of mine to do. I guess I lost my groove? Next year will be better, right? Or if it doesn't get better next year, I will have plenty of time to make glitter glue cards to send out from the insane asylum, huh? My favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life" and I watched that last night. I have watched it a hundred times. I have not felt like being jolly this year but I decided last night I had to do something "traditional" so I watched it. Did you know it ends the same way every time I watch it? It does!! I also cried at the end, LIKE I ALWAYS DO!! It kind of felt ... well, good. Smile. December 21, 2020 - Norman must be in his terrible teens, or at least it feels that way today. This morning when I saw the neighbor had his dogs out, I put the leash on Norman and let him romp over there with them. (I put the leash/lead on so I can grab it when he's being a turd head and drag him home.) He hung out with Steve the Dog for a while, peeing and pooping and doing 'manly dog' stuff. They did not play, just meandered around Steve's yard. Then Norman decided he was going to go see Sue and Ron (the next house over) and forgot about Steve and Lucy (the dogs) and went on a walk about through Ron's yard. The whole way around - ended up by the road. He almost chased a pick up truck, but decided to spastically run through the neighbor's front yards before ending up in our yard again. I finally got to him where I could grab his leash and get him in the dog pen. Ron came out with Gertie and was ready to help. Ugh. Then just now, I came home from going to the store at lunch and the cat was out and wanted in when I got home, so when I opened the door, Norman practically knocked me over to get to the cat. He would NOT come to me. He had no leash on him for me to stomp on. I followed him around the yard for a while trying to convince him to come to me when he saw our mail lady and her mail truck. He ran out to the road. UGH! She is an angel and parked her truck and got out with a doggie bone and tried to convince him to come to her, but all Norman did was run around and bark at her and prance like a drunk reindeer. Finally she started running at him so he started running and my husband had the front door open by then and Norman just ran in the house. BLESS YOU MARILYN!! Norman is on my 'shit list' as it were. Norman is now in my bed hiding because he knows I'm mad after I gave him a strict lecture like a good Mom would. (Oh, and he has NOT eaten yet today. Truly a teenager, he is... I think I remember why I drank when the kids were teens...) I saw a friend from High School today when my husband and I went to get our blood drawn for our annual physicals. She was coming out and we were going it. I could tell right away who it was by her eyes. (She always had the kind of eyes that would smile when she smiled.) It was good to see her and I broke protocol and gave her a quick hug. So one good thing happened today and I didn't have to chase HER all over the place. Smile. December 26, 2020 - For the last week or so I've had dreams where the neighbors built fences to keep Norman out of their yard and posted huge signs "No Trespassing." Norman's slobber and full force impact play is overwhelming. I now am worried and keep a look out through the window waiting for some fence company truck to show up. Sigh. I know Norman is a turd headed Great Dane. I know he's so excited to see other dogs that he just freaks out and gets happy and when he expresses himself, he does it with gusto. I will start working with Norman and his manners. I don't want my neighbors putting up fences!! I knew I was getting in to something like this when I welcomed the little puppy in to my house in March, but I wanted a new doggie so badly. Had I not had Norman through this whole pandemic time, I fear what would have happened to me. When my friend Lisa was here the other day to bring us our Christmas, Norman would stare at her nose to nose as if he was looking into her soul. He does that do my friend Linda, too. Like he's a psychic and reading their minds. (Or more like he's a gigantic puppy looking for attention and is about to cover them with dog slobber.) I can't wait until he recovers from his neutering on February 1st and can go to Doggie Day Care to work out some of his need to socialize with other puppies. (I am taking bets now on how many dog day care places we go through due to his 'happiness'.) Speaking of neighbors, my friends and neighbors Sue and Ron made the BEST Christmas dinner ever! Oh my, (Ron's cooking put mine to shame. To be honest, I'm a bit jealous.) Everything was so delicious. I went to pick it up and give them their gifts and was just overwhelmed. They packed me up with plenty of food for the two of us, plus some. I cried. I cried when I ate it. The turkey was perfect and the mashed potatoes were perfect and the green bean casserole, yams, and stuffing were - well - PERFECT! Sue's corn dish was PERFECT! Yum!! They packed me up with tons of food and off I went. My husband was quiet through the whole meal. When he was done he took a huge breath, covered his stoma, and said, "That was a damned fine meal!" It was. I cannot thank them enough. Sue and Ron brought us dessert later, and I cried again eating Sue's lemon dessert because it reminded me of a dish my Mom used to make. Their kindness was welcome and filled me with joy and my tummy with happiness. Often through the last two years with my cancer and my husband's cancer and surgeries, I have been blessed by so much kindness from my friends and family that I can't even begin to thank them in the way suitable to show them how much I appreciate them. I am amazed. There are times when I think of it all and I am paralyzed for a bit, literally, from the awe of it. Bad things happen in life, yes, but wonderful things happen in life as well. When you are blessed like this, you have to pay it forward. You have to go out and share the unconditional love you've received. December 27, 2020 - Tomorrow is physical inventory day at work. I feel it was an odd time to do a physical - the day after a holiday weekend. Normally we do it around the 15th, but due to the fact a lot of production is down I guess it is as good a time as any. I will most likely be at home working, though. I asked my boss if that was OK. He has not replied. They stopped having me help with the 'physical' part of the whole thing when I hurt my knee crawling around like a monkey. Old age sucks. (No, I correct that statement by saying admitting you are not as young as you used to be SUCKS.) I have an old friend recovering from surgery in the hospital and I hope they are healing fast. I have another friend who is battling covid who is in the hospital and it doesn't sound encouraging... I try not to beg God for things, but sometimes I give in and ask for assistance. I ask the Universe, mainly. I don't think we should beg God for things. Asking Him to protect us from things that were not of His making seems weird. Norman has been on high alert all morning due to sounds from the T.V. I believe my husband has the bass set to stun on the sound system and Norman reacts to it from time to time. (So do I but I try to tune it all out.) He has speakers all around the living room for that 'surround' sound effect, but damned if it doesn't get a bit much sometimes. I had my blood draw last week in preparation for my physical exam on January 4th. Normally my physical month is October, but due to my husbands cancer/surgery it was put off a few months. I have been stress eating like a starving cow in a hay factory. I knew the blood work was going to show issues. All of my numbers were good, actually, except my sugar. My doctor emailed me and warned me how high it was. I got on line and checked. Holy Crap. Compared to the last 10 years, I am off the charts. The doctor said that he would talk to me about it on January 4th, but in the mean time get off my butt and move and watch what I put in my mouth. I have started recording everything I eat. This really helps as I don't want to report that I just ate a whole container full of Sea Foam or a jumbo bag of M&Ms, so I have stopped eating that stuff (with the exception of the delicious desserts on Christmas Day.) It is bad enough recording normal food. (Did you know if you use the recommended portion of creamer in your coffee that your creamer lasts a long time! I know, I was as shocked as you!) My portions are not the recommended portions. You know, I was able to lose weight and eat like a real human back in 2006 - I lost 80 pounds with Weight Watchers. I can do it again. Maybe attempting to walk Norman will also help. (That last sentence translated in to English says, "Maybe attempting to be dragged through the yard by a teen-aged beast with a two second span of attention at high speeds in no set direction and OH LOOK A SQUIRREL will also help".) I tried to work with Norman yesterday on basic commands. I got special treats and asked him to sit, and he backed up to the middle of the living room before he sat. This made me laugh. The dog isn't stupid although a bit paranoid. I am sure he was convinced I was going to clean out his ears or do something to him. I am trying to teach him to shake, but now I think he thinks that 'shake' means sit there and let Mom pick up my paw as she chants 'Shake'... Rocko has been staying inside a lot since it is colder. Normally he wants out and will stay out all night until we find him plastered to the kitchen window in the morning, scratching at the glass, wanting in. Rocko is ten years and eight months old now. He actually tolerates Norman quite well, now that I ponder it. Rocko is sleeping on his favorite hump blanket in my chair right now as Norman has sniffs his hind quarters with gusto and Rocko is just raising a 'Dr. Spock' eyebrow at him and continues to hold his ground. Norman wants to play with Rocko so much but Rocko has seen many a dog in his time, and Norman is not 'play' material as far as Rocko is concerned. With Rocko being in the house more it means he poops in the house. Rocko has vile bowel movements as I've mentions a lot in the blog. They are just AWFUL. When he poops in the litter box, well - that is the only time I'm thankful my sense of smell got messed up with radiation. The other night while I was sleeping quite deeply, Norman jumps on the bed and wants under the covers. He indicates this to me by placing his floppy jowls all over my face and touching his nose to mine when I'm sleeping. HOLY CRAP!! HE HAD RAIDED THE LITTER BOX. That fact was obvious, not only from the litter on his nose but the smell he was exhaling directly into my nose!! Gag. What is it about cat poop that dogs find so delicious? Rocko's movements should come out with a radioactive warning sign on them. Just ick. When it is warm enough for Rocko to poop in mole holes, it turns into a great Easter Egg hunt for the dogs out there... I am babbling about nothing, so I will stop now. Go forth, my friends, and do good things. Happy last week of December 2020! December 29, 2020 - My husband has to wear a cover over his stoma when he showers that look and makes him sounds like a Darth Vader when he wears it . This makes me giggle. "Luke, I am your luffa..." When he just came out of the bathroom I told Norman, "Look, Darth is out of the shower!" and my husband flipped me off. Hahahaha. There were four deer between me and my neighbor's house last night. I went out and talked to them in the dark. Not that they needed to engage in conversation, but hey - I needed to socialize. I think they were going to raid the bird feeder up by the dog fence. I thwarted that plan and they casually walked away and I would babble on to them and they would stare at me while walking a little further. They were obviously trying to be polite but had no need to hear me express myself. They eventually just trotted off and I'm sure the lead deer was saying to the rest, "Lock the doors!" I could not sleep last night, or so it thought. The last six months or so I'm not sure if I'm just there lying in bed over thinking things or sleeping but dreaming about thinking too much. This morning I feel rested, so I guess I am sleeping. It is confusing to me. My cheap inflatable snowman with the pretty lights in his belly died the other day. I like to keep Christmas lights going until after the 1st of the year but the drunk snowman just didn't make it. I thought I spotted the 'bad spot' on him. I missed his wind seizures and drunken actions and that fact that ever time he moved Norman would have a hissy fit and bark his full head off. My husband went out there today and fixed the shoulder wound and my inebriated snowman is back in business. Hurray. This pleases me. Viva Inflation! (Under the right circumstances...not economically...) Seems we might get some snow. Very little though- depending on where you are, about 2 inches. (I remember back when I was a teen that "a little bit of snow" meant we'd get 12 inches of snow. Things have sure changed...) My cousin emailed me a wee lecture on taking care of myself and it was warranted for sure. If I would go to bed when I'm first tired, over eating wouldn't be such an issue - it is when I stay up 'late' and I'm alone - that is when things go haywire for me. It is like I turn into a black hole as I wander through the kitchen, sucking up everything in my path. I will attempt to go to bed earlier when I get that first wave of 'tired'...you can't eat if you are sleeping with a Great Dane who takes up the whole bed. I have tossed all the 'treats' we had in the house, so now my husband is 'feeling' it, too. He was staring at a container full of dog treats and he said in a wistful way, "I thought those were peanut butter pretzels..." My physical is Monday and I will have a nice talk with my doctor. I have a list started for him to check out, such as some age marks that look weird and such. Plus I must remember to ask him about my colonoscopy - I am supposed to get one every five years due to my Mom having colon cancer. (I just like doing it for the drugs, honestly. Crapping my brains out is not fun, though.)  |
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