Archives from 1999- BLAST FROM THE PAST!!

7/12/99 - I worry a lot ... too much. Not so much worry, but ponder things to an extreme.  I get these little bursts of thought that seem to explode for a moment on my mind's eye, then go away.  This usually takes place while I am driving down the road or sitting on the toilet or listening to the "sixth reason - no wait, make the third reason my daughter "just LOVES the Backstreet boys."  *(Author's note- Oct. 2000- My daughter recently said and I quote - "Backstreet Boys?  Like, Ick!  Well, I kinda liked In Sync for a while, but, like now they - well - they just don't interest me anymore.  I think R.E.M. and Vertical Horizon rock!")

Last spring, while driving down a country road on the way to lunch, I was singing to the radio with all the windows down as my hair whipped in the wind as much as a head full of curls can 'whip.'  I felt young, alive, and happy!  The sky was a perfect 'Simpson Sky' ... the newly plowed fields smelled so good, and made me feel 'new' too!  I felt so happy and carefree until a hot ash from my cigarette flew up my nose.  I proceeded to try to dig it out with my right index finger and looking so lady like in the process, no doubt, when out from the grass on the side of the road came a skunk.  All I could picture for a nano-second was the ambulance crew digging my body out of my car with the jaws of life as they tried to hold their noses, and finding my mangled dead body with my finger lodged in the back of my cranium via my nasal cavity ... EMT #1- "What the hell was she trying to do, pith herself?"  EMT #2- "Personal Lobotomy... I see this all the time! Damn Cults!"

I did manage to avoid the skunk, and remove my finger before too many passing cars saw me like that.  Not that I don't ever pick my nose, mind you. We all do from time to time. My boys, when young, always considered this a 'lunchable.'   But that is how it goes for me.  Bursts of thoughts, all at once.  Small 'personal mental theater' which plays out vividly in my mind (in the time it takes to avoid a senseless skunk fatality and extinguish my nose).  I decided to write these down, not necessarily for you all, but for myself.

Last year, I watched my Mother slowly lose her mind to Alzheimer's or Dementia, what ever it was.  The fact remains that she became lost in a sea of these 'nano-second' mind explosions, never to come back.  She spent many years bottling up her feelings and thoughts.  She never stood up for herself.   She never spoke her mind.  She was the proper wife for 40+ years to my father, doing his bidding and not questioning it.  She developed the art of being a perfect martyr for her family.  During the last months of her life, she was cruel, mean and bitter.  I believe with all my heart it was all the ill feelings and odd feelings and questions and fears she bottled up for all those years that made her a 'mean' kind of crazy. 

Today, after passing the elementary school and reading the crooked letters outside on the marquee that stated "See you next Fall!"   then completely forgetting what day it was and season it was for a few panicked seconds, then trying to remember how many seasons in a year, in the first place - well, I imagine I too will eventually age to a state of confusion - but I intend to go crazy in a happy way.  I want to be the old lady in the nursing home with a boom box playing Led Zeppelin and feeding imaginary animals, and pinching male nurses on the butt.

7/13/99 - There is a bottle of generic pink dish washing liquid near the sink at work.  Every time I see it, I think of those little pink candies Mom used to feed us in Church when I was a kid to shut us up during the service. (I think they were Brachs.)  They tasted like Pepto Bismol, if I remember right.  Little Pink Circles.  She would whip them out if we were restless.  This little baggie, full of pink candies, would come out of her ever bountiful cleavage.  If our noses were runny, the pretty pansy printed hanky would fly out of her cleavage too.  As a five-year-old, I was convinced all women had a secret hole in their chest, and I would check my chest on a daily basis to see if mine was beginning to develop.  I waited with the high hopes and anticipation for my storage cavity to develop.  Well, in a way, it did, but not a hole!  I still laugh at myself for that and the skewed concepts children can have.  My daughter thought for years you had to kill a cow to get cheese! ...  (Oh, and - would you like some candy by the way?  I just happen to have some!!)

Going home for lunch today,  I happened to notice several rodents scurrying for their lives. They looked like tiny woodchucks, actually.  I know they were not chipmunks nor were they squirrels with no tails, more like really beefed up gophers.  I was thinking they really need sky walks out there in the countryside for deer and rodents.  I was in Detroit over the weekend, and they have sky walks everywhere!  One can watch real life happen out side of these sky walks, or the People Mover, and not ever have to step outside in Detroit.  I was impressed (as a country girl) with this arrangement.   Perhaps some people could even fool themselves enough to pretend there is no crime or poverty if one had enough sky walks, and they sure make gophers a hell of a lot bigger than I remember as a kid.

7/14/99 - At lunch today, I ran up to the Nearest Biggest Mall. (Opting to do this instead of dodging kamikaze gophers on the back roads, I decided to dodge the multitude of orange barrels that bloom this time of year countrywide).  I was having one of my rare bursts of feeling feminine; and had a dire need for new clothes, so I did a mad dash to purchase two new bras, a couple of skirts, and three new shirts.  They also had lightly-tinted-purple sunglasses, a MUST HAVE as far as I was concerned.  Normally I wear reflective policeman style, mirrored sunglasses.  But PURPLE?  Sigh. I  love purple lately.  (The Purple Poem is a must read for all females, by the way. You can read it hereafter today's babbling).  So I rush out of the mall with my new Purple Sunglasses-  Lightly Tinted Mind You - and my new bras and my new clothes and headed for McDonald's for a quick burger before returning to work.

As I am waiting in the drive through, I notice that there are concrete repairmen working to my slight of right vision area. Two fine young men trying to pound a metal post through one of those "stop your car from rolling" cement bumps at the edge of the parking lot.  And may I say (not being a concrete specialist,  I'm just assuming) they were doing a fine job. One was tall and tan and obviously new to the job for the taller (did I mention muscular, too?) blonde one was making the tall (did I mention muscular?) tan one do most of the pounding at first.  Then they took turns.  They seemed to match the downbeat of the AC/DC song that was on the radio and with each down swing, I must say my eyes got wider and winder in awe and before I knew it I was leaning slightly to the right.  Now, you'll have to trust me on this, I normally do not ogle young construction males and do cat calls and the like.  But for some reason, TODAY, I could not stop myself from watching them work, sweat, and pound!  Sigh. I did all of this drooling/watching under the assumption they could not tell I was watching because I had on my Policeman Reflective Glasses!   When they stopped pounding and turned and looked at me and smiled, it dawned on my perverted mind that I had on the new lightly-tinted-purple glasses not my policeman style mirrored ones.  The only thing I could think to do to cover my embarrassment was grab the white bank envelope on the seat, scribble out a big number "10" on it with a pen, and hold it up, and oh yes, DRIVE THROUGH . . .

Now, the "Purple Poem" by Jenny Joseph, actually titled "Warning!"

"Warning"
Poem by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old and start to wear purple.

Last year, when Coolio or whoever came out with the song "Gangsters Paradise"  I took half a day to dig out my "Songs in the Key of Life" by Stevie Wonder cassette tapes (the album was too warped after 20+ years.)   I wanted to prove to my kids that it was a technical (music wise) remake of Stevie's song, "Pastime Paradise."  It made me feel better to show the kids #1 - we had good music many moons ago,  #2 - my memory spans more than the last three minutes,  #3 - we had good music many moons ago.  I kept those cassettes tapes in my car, ready to Play "Pastime Paradise" anytime I sat next to a reverberating teen's car who was playing Coolio's song.  I gave that up eventually, sticking those cassette tapes back in my Glory Days Shoe Box collection.

Recently, Will Smith came out in "Wild Wild West" the movie, and he did the theme song, too. The non-rap background music just happened to be a Stevie Wonder song, "I Wish" . . . so I spent half a day looking for my cassette tapes again of "Songs in the Key of Life" ( forgetting, of course where I had put them after the not so long ago Coolio incident.)   I showed the kids that "I Wish" was a hit back in 197aught something, and to prove #1 - I finally remembered where I put the cassettes, #2 - we had good music back in my day, and #3 - I'm pretty sure Coolio over reacted to Al Yankovich's "Amish Paradise" parody.  So, now I keep "I Wish" keyed up and ready to pop in the cassette deck whenever a reverberating teenager's car goes by playing the "Wild West" theme (and I think this time, I'll just keep those cassettes in my glove box.  I'll be fine as long as I don't forget where I parked!)

7/18/99 - The cat got busted not too long ago for going after the neighbor's baby ducks, so Muffy has been under 'house' arrest since that time.  He's going crazy, not being able to go out and has taken to doing odd things such as attacking the toilet paper and dragging all the toys down from upstairs to the downstairs.  I tried to pacify him by bringing him fresh catnip from my sister's herb garden, but all that has managed to do is make him assume he can fly and he attempts this usually when my hands are full of something extremely hot or extremely cold, and his flight pattern is aimed right at me!  Muffy also takes out his cat like aggression on the dogs, pinning them to the ground and chewing them like they were mere mouses.  Frank, the Basset Hound, doesn't seem to mind this at all, but Frank tends not to move much, nor indicate he's alive in the first place. Odie, (the 9 year old, seven pound miniature Doberman/Chihuahua) can find shelter in any nook and cranny, so he stays out of harms way.  Sparky, the mixed bred 1 1/2 years old spaz from hell takes this opportunity to take out her aggression via Muffy.  The two of them lock up like a wheel and roll all over the house, hissing and barking and fur flying all the way.  This morning, during their ritual bite and drool match, they managed to knock over the dog water, the over full laundry basket, and then slide across the piano bench where my youngest son had his puzzle laid out.  All the pieces went flying, and the small patch he did have together became part of the flying fur wheel.  The two of them ended up wrestling in the bathtub, where they eventually fell asleep next to each other.   I shut the shower door and enjoyed the quiet ...

7/19/99 - I'm a little upset about how the media is carrying on about the loss of the Kennedy's over the weekend.  CBS was on live for hours the following morning, scraping their vaults for ideas to bring up about past Kennedy tragedies ... and I found it sad.  I refused to watch.  I am very sorry for the Kennedy family for their loss, but it bother's me that there is such a major fuss about this.

There was no such fuss for my friend Gary Riesner when he died from cancer ...

There was no such fuss for my Aunt Vera Congdon when she died from her heart attack ...

There was no such fuss for my Mom when she died ...

There was no such fuss for my friend, Beth, when her brother and sister in law were lost in the waters of Lake Michigan in their small plane ...

People are lost everyday, and there are no hours of coverage about their lives nor coverage of their impact on individual lives. They are just gone, and it's quiet.  Just a few lonely aching hearts left to remember them.  Just a few people left that have a void in their lives because of these people left too soon.

I had the oddest dream last night, so vivid, so clear. It started out as a blanket of black,  then every face I've ever known in my life started to pop up like bubbles, and swirl and float.  Kinda Cool.  Then it faded into an old castle in the mountains of Sweden.  My 20th High School reunion is this weekend, and it was about that. Now WHY in the dream we were having the reunion in Sweden in the mountains, I am not too sure but the mountains were beautiful, and I got to see Jenny, who I've wondered about for all these years.  I miss Jenny.  Jenny and I (in real life, way back when), went to see George Benson in concert.  He did the 'Greatest Love of All' and we went intentionally to see him perform that song.  He did "Broadway" and others, but we were dying to hear him sing 'Greatest Love of All' ... I think he did that for an encore.  Jenny and I would dink around on the piano with that sheet music in front of us.  Jenny went to France for our senior year, and I never heard from her (except for a letter or two) after that.  I miss Jenny.  I know she knows it.  Smile.

There are two kittens at work that play all over.  Maybe someone dropped them off?  Don't know.  They are cute Tiger kittens.  Sweet as candy.  They have adopted us.  People bring food in to feed them, and we buy them milk.  Today when the BIG LAWN MOWER came around, they had a spaz, and ran away.  Poor guys. We are lucky that way where I work.  Last year, two skunks adopted us.  That was not as welcome as these kittens.  In fact, we eventually had to hire someone to come and catch them and relocate them!  Pee Eww!!!  Ah, the benefits of working in a corn field!

7/25/99 - It was a lovely time . . . Sigh.  I had a lovely time.  It was my 20th High School Class Reunion.  The moon was bright that night.  Just a perfect night.  Got to see many people I have not seen in 20 years.  Had a lot of closure on some outstanding issues ... and feel much better for attending!  I was nervous. I didn't think I wanted to go.   It was good to see Lisa, Lisa, Linda, Grace, Sharon, Mary, Mary, Mary, (and a few more Mary's), Kathy, Kathy, Cathy, Kevin, Kevin, Kelly, Erich, Curt, Kurt, Kent, Kirk, Andy, Dave, Dean, Dawn, Don, Dan, Dawn, Bill, Tim, Tammy, Ron, Rob, Mike, Mark, John, Bryan, Joel, Vic, Kenny, Jay, Chris, Shelley, Shelly, Sherri, Shirley, Cheryl, Bruce, Cindy, Nancy, Melanie, Trent, Jackie, Paula, Karen, Teresa, Sue, Tim, Jeff, Beth, and many many more. The setting was pretty, the food was good, the cakes were beautiful, people mingled and talked.  It was great!  People looked GOOD!  We, as a class, aged well!  And that song that has been haunting me over the years that Curt did during the Senior Follies, with himself and two others on the trumpet was BUGLER'S HOLIDAY.  Phew,  no more wondering - I am complete. They kicked butt back then, playing that during scene changes.  Always wondered what it was!!!  I volunteered to do the 30th reunion.  I look forward to it. I can't wait!

7/27/99 - I have come to the conclusion, after having children in the house for 18 years, that I failed miserably at teaching toilet etiquette. Apparently I am the only person here that knows the purpose of the shiny silver handle sticking out of the toilet tank. The kids don't see the necessity to flush. (Perhaps I stressed the importance of conserving water TOO MUCH? Perhaps each child has a deep dark secret fear of 'going down the hole' if they were to flush the toilet - ever)!

It kind of reminds me of how a cat will 'bring' you presents. As I was growing up, I had a lot of kittens and cats. As I was growing up, my Dad hated them. So, I've had my fair share over the years. For some reason they would end up missing or run over (accidentally, as Dad would say)- yet I would always end up with more. I think by the time I was 14, my Dad gave up trying to control the cat population, because I am sure there was a Phone Tree to alert everyone in the greater tri-state area when I lost a kitten to a terrible 'accident', and suddenly I would end up with three more. But I digress ...

Cats bring you presents. They catch a mouse or bird or some form of rodent, play with it for two or three hours, and then in a grand gesture of love and total acceptance of YOU as their PET, leave random body parts outside the door for you. They will then come through the door, all puffed-up and cocky, saying things like "Yeah, I caught that! Sure, it put up a fight ... and no need to thank me!  I couldn't possibly eat the whole thing. It's the least I could do. Now change my litter so I can do my business, shed excessively, hack up something disgusting, and take a three day nap!!"

That is what I am reminded of every time I am faced with a toilet that has not been flushed for several meals. Must be the kids think it's a present to me. "Look at what we did, Mom!"  So I flush, and stand ready with the plunger, just in case - and think to myself how I'd much rather have a bunch of dandelions or even rodent left overs, but at this point in my life, I'll take any adoration I can get.

8/4/99 - This has been an emotional week so far.  I don't know if it's related to a female type thing, since I've never been too female-ish, or just depression mixed with spurts of euphoria rearing it's dragon like head and pooping on my shoes, or just plain ME.

WEEKEND - My Brother and Sister and Aunts and Uncles buried my Mom and Dad (their cremated remains) on Saturday.  They were quite upset, my family.  I didn't cry.  Something is wrong with me. I was not sad.  I believe I got my grieving done when they actually died? Who Knows.   But it might actually explain the highs and lows all this week?

MONDAY - A friend of mine read my entries here.  I never thought he would in the first place let alone do what he did.  He sent me (possible) information about the above mentioned Jenny, which touched me deeply.  I burst out in tears over it, with shock and happiness.  It hit me hard.  How sweet, how special.  A finer present to give there is not!   A few minutes of thoughtfulness on his part made my day, lifted me.  Made me happy.  Made me ponder life and how it is so- so - DAMNED AMAZING. I think we all haul ass through life and miss a lot of things. We are in such a hurry to go nowhere, we see nothing?  Stop and smell the roses, as it were. We forget to do that, and it's a pity.  Our lives are so short.  But little things like what he did makes life worth living.  Sigh - to know he has that 'in him' tickles me.  I adore him more.

TUESDAY - I finally got a chance to listen to the new CD by the Verve Pipe.  I bought it Sunday, but had no time or quiet to hear it.  I love the words to Verve Pipe songs.  Intense poetry on some of them.  So there I sat at work with the headphones on, and listening to it.  The song "Half a Mind" came on - I found myself crying so hard I could not see the screen of my computer.  Suddenly I'm filled with ache for missing people ... certain people ... like Mike, who just dropped off the face of the earth ... he will ever know what they meant to me.  The sad part is -  he probably doesn't need to!!!  It hurt so bad because I finally realized AFTER ALL THESE YEARS that some people don't need/like/love me like I need/like/love them. (They have "Half A Mind" apparently.)  The ache is deep. Like getting kicked in the gut on a full bladder.

TODAY - I saw Janet in the hair place.  Janet - I have not seen her for over 12 years.  I have thought of her a lot over the years. We spent a lot of time together way back when. We were both in 'growing up' mode back then.  Searching for things I bet we still have not found.   She was a very loving person.  A beautiful human.  She took you for what you were - no more no less.  You were who you were with Janet, there were no conditions to the friendship.  When I saw her today, I knew it was her just from her aura.  When she hugged me today, she cried.  I was touched that she remembered me.  I felt like maybe she had missed me too.  When I got back to work, I cried.  Memories kept pouring into my head.  But now I know where she is, and I don't have to wonder anymore, and I can tell her how much she meant to me. It is wonderful. Plus I felt important!  Someone MISSED me!

8/11/99 - Today was a ... um ... er ...a day?  Work was ok, I guess.  It didn't kill me, so that's always good!  I do so enjoy taking my 'smoke' breaks with the crew from production.  We have good laughs.  Today was August Mass Birthday/Anniversary Celebration day, so we got cake. (Which is useless, as far as I'm concerned but the frosting - now that's so so so good.)  We got a free cooler for our company's 30th Anniversary, so that was something.  They are just the right size for transporting a kidney, so if you ever need to borrow one, just call me.  (A cooler, that is, not a kidney).  Speaking of removable body organs ....

I have been having 'tummy' troubles.  My stomach really hurts when I get upset.  So I have to let things 'go' - not let them bother me, so as not to awaken the pain.  I went to the doctor for it.  They can't find my gall bladder.  I assume it migrated south for the winter, perhaps.  They continue to look, though, and I wonder if I will be featured on an episode of  "In Search Of..." with Leonard Nimoy.  I thought I had worked out all my anger about work in therapy.  It's amazing, when you are with a company for all your entire adult life how you get attached to it.  It goes from being just a company to a 'family' and a 'commitment' and as time goes on, and the company grows up, a major pain in the hind end.  But, alas, it is just that, a JOB, a non-human company that pays you to perform a function.   No one says you have to be appreciated.  No one says they have to notice what you do.  You just do what you do and cash your check.  But sometimes, even after all the break through in therapy, I still have moments where I normally would have burst out in anger/tears.  I have learned, though, to smile, and picture my anger for work related things as pieces of sweet corn one forgets to chew well, and let it 'pass through me whole' ... out the other end, not to be bothered with ever again. Sometimes this imagery works, other times, my stomach REALLY hurts.  I must remember to chew my corn better.

I purchased a big dog feeder. You know, the ones that have a weeks supply of food in a tank like thing that feeds the bowl.  The purpose of this was to prevent my 9 year old Basset Hound,  Frank, from hauling the food bowl all over the house to 'hide' it. (He is quite possessive. He would haul the bowl out in his jowls, and tip it over, eating all the chewy bits and leaving all the crunchy ones for us to pick up.)  Even if we would catch him hauling the bowl away to sort out the food in private, and yell at him, he'd just drop it where he stood and flip the bowl over right there before we could intervene.  Not that I'm complaining.  This has led to the creation of our new family parlor game "At Least Pick Up the Pieces That Are Not Soaked With Slobber" and we are just waiting for the patent to come through.   So, this new hi-tech bowl is too heavy and big for Frank to haul away.  The kids are thrilled, for the game of Pick Up was not as fun as it was when we first got Frank. We are now working on our next parlor game "Man, Mom! Frank's Ears Stink and Are Really Cruddy! Ewwwwwwwwww!!"

8/15/99 - I watched my six year old playing in the drive way on his bike.  He would ride a while then get off his bike and then talk to imaginary people, then mount up and ride some more.  He would swerve to miss imaginary people/things, and then 'wipe out' and fall to the ground in a grand 'death' scene, writhing and clutching his stomach and forehead.  He then got down and played in the drive way dirt with abandon.  What he was imagining, I don't know, but it took me back to my youth.  Do you remember those hours we spent playing nothing in particular in a pile of dirt, and having a wonderful time?  I used to have a set of plastic animals that I used in my sandbox.  I would work for hours in that sand box making the perfect environment for those plastic animals.  Tunnels and roadways and houses and swimming pools.  If you think of it, it used to get quite involved, our sandbox imaginary games.  Mine did at least.

I also remember having one Barbie doll I got for Christmas when I was seven.  I was not much of a 'doll' person when I was a little girl, so I treated her like one of the boys.  She had long black hair until I cut it off.  Gave her a pixie cut, I did, with my blunt nosed scissors.  I assumed it would grow back, but after a while, realized it would not.  Then one night during a bad thunder storm, I was so nervous I chewed right through her leg.  So I had a stumped-legged short frizzy haired Barbie. (Actually, when I think of it now she kinda looked like Chrissy Hynde from the "Pretenders.")  I still  played with her and when I got another blonde Barbie for another holiday, my original Barbie became the older sister with an amputated leg from some terrible car accident, and the new Barbie was the sweet loving younger sister who meant nothing but good, but usually ended up being the misunderstood hussy who stole older Barbie's husband.  My sister Joyce's Barbie doll from years earlier who kind of looked like Mrs. Howell from Gilligan's Island and who was jointed with elastic was their mother.  That was the beginning of the Barbie Dynasty. Wasn't too long before some toy maker came out with 'Dawn' dolls.  These looked like the micro machine version of Barbie. When I  received some of these for a gift, they became my original Barbie's daughters.  Zeb Zachary, my brother's plastic military man, not unlike a G.I. Joe without the kung foo grip was their estranged father, and ... well, the stories got quite intense.  My chewed up amputee Barbie had to deal with run aways, abductions, a two timing husband, and, well, you name it!  I was quite sheltered as a youth, so I wonder now how I came up with such wild story lines.   Imagination is a powerful thing.  I would spend hours and hours building cereal box condos for my dolls and stringing yarn and baskets across my room for a form of public transportation, and acting out interwoven, detailed stories of these doll's lives.   On occasion they would even take a dive out my screen window from upstairs with make shift parachutes attached.

I think we should all still 'play' - even as adults. We should get down in the dirt from time to time, and play.  Let our minds run free. We should get dirty head to toe and just pretend.  Lob a Barbie out of a second story window or just lay in the grass looking at the clouds.  It's such a beautiful day out, I think I hear my driveway calling ...

8/18/99 - Ah, what a day.  My back is killing me;  my feet hurt.  What's the Shania Twain song?... "Honey I'm home, I've had a hard day, forget the beer, just bring me Ben Gay"... Sigh. I think it goes something like that.

I saw a pig today on the way back from town at lunch time.   A little pig.  A baby pig.  Covered with mud and running down the road.   The poor thing was scared to death,  looking frantically over it's shoulder, and running running running.  I know I live in the country but have never seen a pig on the 'lamb' before.  I've seen a donkey hold up traffic on a major highway.   I've seen a squirrel pooping by the side of the road, and now this!  My friend Julie mentions it might be a flashback type situation from the seventies, and had I done mass amounts of drugs back then I'd tend to agree.  But it was really a pig.  I thought I should stop and get it, but then there'd be me, running down the road after a pig who was also running down the road.  Then someone would have to pull over to help me corral the pig, and we'd eventually end up with a whole piggy parade.  I wasn't quite up to that today.  I hope he is safe and someone found him and gave him a bath and a good home.  Road kill, the other white meat...

Author's Note: I want to add a note from my friend Vickie K., who read the webpage and sent me this note: "I have to thank you for sharing one of your stories with us in your diary.  At least it let me know I wasn't loosing my marbles, seeing animals beside the road that weren't normally found there.

I saw your little piggy there also!  I was trying to figure out what the heck it was standing there.  I started slowing down the closer I got, just in case it should run out into the road.  I drove by, him peering up into my car window and me peering down at him. What a cutie!

I am happy to report that the owner had pulled up on the other side of the road, whipped a "U" and put him into the back of his pick-up.

This little piggy did not become white meat.........."

8/23/99 - Yawn.  Today I feel old and frumpy.  Today I feel my age times two.  If a Cub Scout were to offer to help me across the street today, I would not argue, but take his shoulder with gratitude.   I saw myself in the window as I walked up to the car tonight after getting some groceries and decided there was no one more likely in the world you'd walk past without noticing as I was tonight.  Being tired is one thing.  Feeling used up is another. What causes a person to feel like this, and better yet, how do you NOT feel like this?  I would contemplate this if my mind was up to it, but instead, I'll just shrug my shoulders and pretend I don't care.

Sparky the dog got into a fight with Frank the dog over raw hide shrapnel, and Frank ended up with a nice gash under his eye.  I doctored the dog with peroxide, then some ointment, and of course a dog treat for being a good patient.  He was very appreciative, or at least he looked as if he was happier as he plopped onto the floor for his late mid evening pre night time nap.

The kids started back to school today.  I got all the paper work done tonight.  After 13 years of doing this, I feel the dire need to get all the paper work done the night they bring it home. And the hours of listening to the adventures, the new people, the new teachers . . .Were we like this in school?  I think if your parents, especially your mother, is still on this earth you should call her up right now and thank her WITH ALL YOUR HEART for her hours of dedicated service to you as a small human.  And hug her if you are close enough.  (I could sure use a hug right now myself.)  Being a parental unit is not the easiest thing in the world.   Let your parents know that you realize this now. You might get hit with "I told you so" or  "see, I told you when you grew up ..." but deep in their hearts they will sigh with a smile and think, "Wow, it WAS really all worth it!"

The wash is caught up, everyone's stomach is full, the dishes are done, the toilet is clean, lunch is made for school tomorrow, and everyone is in their jammies as I type.  All is quiet on the living room front.  Frank is no longer bleeding, Sparky finally stopped her frenzied raw hide spree, and it just got dark outside. Now if someone would please tuck me into bed, I would be very thankful!

8/26/99 - This has been a DAY.   Not just ANY day, not a DAY from HELL, but a genuine DAY.  I made my first grader miss the bus, to start out with. (I lost track of time).  So I had to drive him to school.  Not too bad because I got to meet his teacher, and see my dear friend Diane.  Diane just took her son to college. I feel for her. That would be as hard as the graduation, the graduation party, and first day of kindergarten all in one.   Sending you kid 'off to college' means they are REALLY on their own for good. It's scary.

After that, I got to work to realize I'd forgotten my chiropractic appointment on Tuesday, (which had taken two weeks to get to begin with) and then decided to cancel my therapist appointment for 11:30 (since I had been late to work).   I tried to call but got the wrong number.  I decided to go after all.   (Which was good, because the revelations lately at therapy have been wonderful).   Feeling wonderful after that yet quite emotional,  I drove the long way back to work to have a good cry.  It was a nice cry, as if I'd 'found a dear lost friend' kind of cry.

After I got to work, I wrestled a seventy pound printer into it's original carton and hauled it off to the shipping department to ship it.  I know it was seventy pounds, because I had to put it up on the scales back in shipping and while it's up there, (and since I used to be in shipping), I might as well make out the UPS information for it.  So I ended up sweating like a pig (which is actually normal for me because I always sweat like a pig even when I am not moving.)

Then my boss made me slightly upset (to say the least) so I brought home all my little pretty pretty's just because it made me feel better to do that, knowing I had nothing too personal at work anymore. Then I had to make room for all those new knick knacks in my house, which entails CLEANING.  Now that was foresight on my part!

After the strategic placement of the knick knacks in my house, I made a meat loaf, stuck it in the oven, washed potatoes and put them in the microwave, and then made a cake.

I had big plans for this cake.  Tomorrow is one of my coworker's birthday.  He shares my love of Southpark, the adult cartoon comedy on Comedy Central.  So, I was determined to make a 'Cartman' character cake.  It wouldn't be hard at all, just two cake rounds and  >VIOLA<  I would have Cartman!  I had the coloring for the frosting all bought ahead, and was all set!   I made one of the rounds too full so it would expand out like Cartman's head, and the other one thinner to be his body and shorts and shoes.  I forgot ONE THING, though - FRANK!  Frank the Basset hound who never moves unless it's to poop or eat.   Frank will suddenly from some magic unbeknownst to the world become as agile as a young ballet dancer when there is food involved.  When I had my 'perfect' Cartman head cooling on the table, Frank did a lovely aerial leap and took a bite out of Cartman's head.

I made another cake, and Frank and I are currently not speaking to each other. (By the way, when I did put him together, Cartman came out fairly ok for a freehand attempt).

I put my six year old to bed at seven p.m. because he's had a sore throat all week from a virus, and he was feeling like crap and acting like crap. Crap + Crap = Bedtime. (Mother's Math, 101).

Now it's almost nine p.m.  I finally sit down and realize how bad my back hurts and how bad my feet hurt and how the droning noise from the T.V. is bothering me to no end, and I'd scream if I had the energy, but I don't so I'll type as loud as I can in protest. Calgon, if you exist, I need you tonight!!  But at this point I'd even settle for the Culligan Man . . .

8/29/99 - It was an 'uneventful' weekend, yet pleasant in it's own way. There was a lot of traffic to my hummingbird feeder. When my sister came over, we watched them come and go and fight over the feeder. My niece spent last night with my daughter.

My daughter needed someone to be with, beside me.  She has been talking non stop since school started and I needed the break!  I don't intend for that to sound cruel, mind you.  I love my daughter with all my heart!  But she does not SHUT UP.  She is 'full of life' as it were and she wants to be a singer.   She sings when she's not talking.  She hit a pretty good high note the other day. I mentioned it to her.  "Hey, that's a pretty good high note..."   She said in a matter of fact tone of voice, "Yeah, I can hit 'em, but then I get phlegmy stuff in my throat afterwards!"  I am sure she'll be hacking her way to stardom someday.
She was singing in the store the other night to the piped in music. "...think of your fellow man, lend him a helping hand ... put a little blood in your heart ..."
I had to laugh out loud!  "Put a little BLOOD in your heart?" I asked.
"Well, what are they saying then?"
"Put a little LOVE in your heart"
"Oh"
Then there was that time that she was playing in the living room, singing "Drunk Driving ..." over and over again.  The girl was in the D.A.R.E. program at school, the last thing I could imagine her singing about was driving and drinking!!   "Why are you singing about drunk driving???" I asked, masking my smile with a stern parental scowl.  "It's that song on the radio!" she defended herself.  "There is no song on the radio that sings about ...." then I stopped.  I matched the tune she was singing to Brian Setzer's "Jump Jivin" song.  I had to explain what he was singing.  We both had a good laugh.   She may be hacking her way to stardom someday, but I hope she has cue cards handy.

8/30/99 - Everyone is in bed, and it's quiet. I find myself laughing out loud at my conversation with my children tonight on the way to the store. Lenny Kravitz's remake of 'American Woman' came on the radio.

My six year old yells, "Turn it up!!! That's my favorite song!!" My daughter says "Turn it down! I'm sick of hearing it all the time!!!"

A fist fight followed in the back seat.

After the war of the siblings was over, I told the kids that Lenny was doing a remake of the song by The Guess Who.

"Back Street Boys!!" yelled my six year old

"I don't know, maybe Bob Dylan?" said my daughter.

"What the hell are you two talking about?" I asked.

"In Sync!!!" yelled my six year old.

"Bob Seger?" said my daughter.

"Would you two PLEASE tell me what you are talking about???!!!" I said

"You said to guess who originally did that song" my daughter explained.

I almost peed my pants laughing.  "No....." I choked, "I said The Guess Who originally did that song"

"John Mellencamp" yelled my six year old.

"I give up, Mother, geez!!!" said my daughter.

We were almost to the store before I got the point across. So I leave you with the question, "Who's on First?"

9/6/99 - Ahhh, a long weekend.   Although many I know don't get one.  So I will not take my time off for granted.  I will embrace it to my bosom like a bunch of flowers, and sit here all day in my t-shirt and underwear, periodically scratching places that need it.

Yesterday we went to play miniature golf.  It was fun. My six year old assumed the rules of the game were to finish first, par what?   He went through 18 holes in record time, as well as a record amount of balls.   Did you know those things float!?  (Not six year olds, the golf balls). My daughter was the best out of all of us. She is a born sports person.  I myself did not do too bad if you take all the hole pars and multiply them by six.   After the golf, we played video games.  Then we went swimming and then ate pizza.  All in all it was a good day.  The weather all weekend was wonderful.   Warm, yet not too hot.  The nights were made for lovers with stars and clear skies. (I know this for the dogs all had to go potty at three a.m., bark at nothing and strut around kicking dirt and looking tough).

Now we come to this morning.  It's going to rain and rain hard.  I can feel it in my bones.  The weather man this morning says it's going to get colder.  Looks like this is officially the end of summer.  I will close down our above ground pool today after the kids get in one more swim.  (At this point, though, the water is much warmer than the air, causing our own personal fog bank in the back yard.)

I look forward to winter.  Not the high heating bills.   Not the tow trucks after snow banks approach at high speeds ... just the winter.   I love the snow.  I love the way everything looks coated in white.  I love how my 'tough' dogs walk out like they are holding their skirts up so dainty like in the snow.  I like the red faces of the kids after a rousing snow ball fight.   And I love snow flakes.  'Tis my most favorite time of the year.   (Someone PLEASE remind me I'm saying all this when I'm complaining this winter about all the mess!!)

9/12/99 - Something was bugging me all week long last week, and I couldn't figure out WHAT.  I kept telling my office mate that "I am missing something, I know I am" and it just ate away at me until I gave myself a stomach ache.  Thursday night was the worst night of all.  I couldn't sleep that night, and had nightmares.  It took me until this afternoon to figure out why.  It came to me slowly when I was fixing a salad for dinner tonight ... my Aunt Vera, who was like a mother to me and a dear friend, died on September 1st, 1994 and my own mother died one year ago on Thursday, September 9th.

How could I forget this? Why did my mind blank out these events all of last week?  Sometimes I would like to crawl inside my own head and check the mechanics of my brain.  It made sense NOW why I was feeling like I was all of last week, but my body knew it before I did!  That doesn't seem fair.

I miss my Mom a lot.  I miss her 'being there' to share things with.  I have picked up the phone and dialed her number more than once, when something special had happened, and I wanted to share it with her.  It amazes me to think back to the past year, and realize how many monumental things have happened to my life; how many things I would have liked to have shared with my Mom.

I miss Vera, too, because she was cool person.  She showed me back in my teen years that I did not have to be a martyr all my life.  If I wanted to do something, do it.  If I wanted to say something, say it.  She was totally opposite of my Mother.  She helped me see other viewpoints and views.  I would spend all my high school vacations with her.

I doubt if I will ever know why I could not remember these two very important dates.  Maybe our brains know what we can handle, and when we can handle it. And I am not kicking myself because I forgot them, either.  The people themselves will never be forgotten.

9/15/99 - I would like to thank Jane and Wendi for being so kind in regards to this on line diary.  They were both very complimentary to me. Made me feel down right ... SPECIAL.  And I should!    So should Jane, and Wendi, and everyone I know.  We are each beautiful "in our own way" and I hope everyone I know comes to feel that way about themselves eventually, if they don't feel that way already.  It's ok to think you are special!  Really!  (As long as you don't go riding around town naked with a banner on your car that says I AM SPECIAL and screaming that fact our your window to innocent passerby's ... although if that makes you happy ... who am I to stop you?)

I miss my daughter!  She is away at camp for the week.   Yesterday she turned 12 years old.  I adore her.  I don't miss her ONLY because I have to walk her dog and do all of her appointed chores, (although I didn't realize all that she does do) I miss her because of 'her' presence in my life.  What a ray of light!  I know, I complain about her constant talking, talking talking ... the non stop input to all around her on how she perceives the world - but I miss that, too!  Perhaps she is doing exactly what it took me so long to do - express myself with no holds barred.  She dances instead of walks and sings instead of talks, where ever she goes.  Every movement in her life has a tune to it.  I think we would all do better with our own personal built in sound track.  There are some things about childhood we should never grow out of.

When I was walking my daughter's dog last night, I could smell FALL in the air!  Already?  Where did the summer go?  Trees are already turning colors.  Birds are herding up and discussing flight plans in the trees - LOUDLY.  I must admit, I do love the upcoming prospect of snow.  I know most people hate it.  It's a thorn in their butts, the thought of plowing, sliding, slipping, and the cold weather.  I am 1/4 polar bear, though, and it makes me leak tears of joy to see it snow.  Don't know why ... always has.  Even when I was five years old, and it was the winter of '65, (geez, do I sound like my mother?) and my Dad had to carry me up our driveway because the car could not make it up the hill because of all the drifts, and my head was dragging in the banks of snow, and my nose got packed full of it, I still love it. Even though most of the Halloweens I remember as a child included wearing mittens and a coat and tripping over things because of early snowfall, and WHAT WAS THE POINT OF A COSTUME, ANYWAY under all the winter wear, I still love it.   I love snow like I love balloons and marching bands.  Something about those things fill me up with the joy of life. (And after 38 years, I have stopped wondering why they do; they just do, so I enjoy the moment).

I have come to the conclusion that my family is partial 'nudists' - meaning we have no second thoughts or qualms about streaking through the house covered only in a towel, or in the summer, sitting around in our T-shirts and underwear.  I have stressed the importance of clothing in public to my kids (unless they want to see what jail looks like from the inside) but I have never been one to be very strict about apparel at home.  If you stop at my house out of the blue, you may see more of me than you ever cared too, so you are fore warned!  My six year old takes this casual dress code to heart, and has often blessed his sister's friends to a pre bath peep show. He has no self conscience when it comes to doing a dance to an VH1 tune in front of the window, butt naked.  Yesterday before his bath, he came to me with five marbles in his hand, and standing there naked, argued with me over whether he could take them into the bathtub with him or not.  Finally, after saying NO three hundred and sixty two times, he got the hint and put them in his marble box.  When I went to wash his hair, there must have been fifty marbles in the tub!  Well, at least he asked about the five ...

9/16/99 - Today was a day unmatched by any other.  First of all, I lived through it. Which is good.  I played golf today for the first time.  Real golf, that is, not putt putt type golf.  Nine holes of grown up golf.  My feet hurt, my pride is damaged, but I must admit it was a HOOT!!!  I would never do it again, mind you.  But this game was fun.

We were treated to this game of golf by Mark, our guru of printer supplies and ribbons, any shape, size or color.  Mark is the keeper of all knowledge of all things. Mark even found my car keys once, and I had not even lost them yet.   Considering I could go to jail for a long time for the amount of harassment I've given this poor man, he still invited me.  Let's call this "mistake number one" ... of many.  His exact words were "YOU DON'T HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO PLAY GOLF" - (mistake number two).  My former and most favorite coworker and partner in crime, Judie, also went.  She took her boss, Dave.  Dave is a neat guy.   Fun to talk to.  Hits a mean ball, too!  Mark and Dave have played golf before.  Judie and I have not.  Mark and Dave often hit the ball.  Judie and I did not.  I was thinking, as I was going nowhere fast today and recreating the game of golf all together, that if the trees on a golf course had an option to move, how loud would a wood stampede be?

I must admit I did find it hilarious on many occasions how one can be so determined to hit something and miss so pathetically.  (I'm talking about myself, not you Judie!!)  The urge to pick that damned ball up and toss it into the air and swing the club like the bat was almost too overwhelming to resist.  Mark did his best to be supportive, but he knew, right from the start, he was doomed.  He had too.  He was being too nice to agree to take us.  Tomorrow he will no doubt be laughed at and taunted by his coworkers.  People will intentionally throw things at him and miss by miles and say, "Hey, guess who that was?"  The nice part about this whole ordeal was that it was a scramble, which I assumed meant we would have eggs for lunch, but it apparently means we take the best ball and start attacking trees from that point.

The best part of the whole day was driving and riding in the cart. I used to unload and load semi's for a living. Driving the cart seemed a lot like a tiny fork lift. The only thing missing were all those little yellow Japanese men in odd positions to indicate what to do and not to do. There were printed instructions. Turn key. Press pedal to go. Press brake to stop. Engage emergency brake when not in cart or on incline. Judie and I found the key. Judie and I found the go pedal. Judie and I found the brake pedal. After five minutes, we figured out how to go backwards! (That was a little knob under our legs). There was also another knob. I could see the last two letters on it. They were " K" and " E " - which, of course, by process of elimination had to mean it was the emergency brake. Judie and I also assumed these little carts were powered by electricity. Judie and I, here on out known as Thelma and Lousie, took off. The hills were a blast. The ups and the downs and the side way sliding, (don't ask). Sigh. It was better than my last trip to Cedar Point. Judie is a very good driver. We giggled like heathens. And every time we came to a halt, I pulled the knob.

We started off at Tee 10, and slowly made our way forward.   Mark hurried us along best he could.  I am sure he was concerned considering the odd contortions Judie and I were displaying.  For all he knew he could be dealing with some strange female cult.  An hour later, we arrived at the next hole.  By the time we got to hole number 16, Judie and I figured by all the fumes that were emanating from the cart, that they must not be electric, but gas propelled.  The boys pinch hitted for us the last hole or so, so Judie and decided to survey the immediate area and check for illegal aliens, which ironically, was most likely US!  We did decide to hit the last ball for ourselves, and as we got out, and Judie noted at that time, and quite accurately, that the knob I had been yanking on all that time said "C H O K E" not "B R A K E" - which explained the gas smell, and also which sent us into hysterical laughter (most likely caused by inhaling excessive amounts of fumes) and I almost peed my pants.  Did I say "almost" ?.........

We did win the "Worst Score" award, which was a Golf Game Software for the computer. We were damned proud. I hope Mark knows how much fun we had and what a cutie he is.  I hope Dave knows what a pleasure it was to meet him, and I hope he had a good time at his child's open house, and I hope Judie is recovering well from our overdose of knob pulling. (Thank God it wasn't leaded!)

9/27/99 - My oldest child is 19 years old today!  Already?  Where did those years go?  Did I do a good job as a mother?  Sigh. I will never know.  He's madly in love right now, so it's hard to judge, because he's not himself ... The red hot glare of his new passion blinds me from who he is or who he is turning into.  I hope he at least has common sense.   Common sense and a change of underwear is pretty much all you need in life.

I spent Saturday in a 'coma', as my daughter calls it.  I do that every two months or so;  completely shut down.  Sleep.  I can manage to wake up long enough to go back to sleep.  My daughter covered for me Saturday.   She's very kind.  She yelled at her brother, and made lunch. I don't know what causes my 'coma' days, but I will have to take a stab at it and say perhaps it's a form of condensed depression?  My mind refuses to participate, hence, I sleep.  Mind you, this coma sleep is filled with odd dreams of weird things.  It is not the most restful sleep in the world, but I can't wake up.  I did manage to wake up around eight p.m., enough time to bark a few motherly commands, and get the kids off to bed.

I did something very stupid and got two kittens.  What possessed me to think I needed two more pets in this small house?  Sigh.  I love kittens and cats.  I love how they play with such abandon to the things around them.   I love how they rear up and attack you, even though you are 100 times their size.   I love how they can be so intent on playing one minute, and the next minute they are fast asleep, laying where they were playing, only to wake up and resume their activities as if they were never asleep.  I love how they 'spaz' and I love how it makes me laugh.  Muffy, my resident cat, has not been very fond of this idea.   He walks in from outside, walks up to the kittens and H I S S E S, and then goes out to eat, walks back past the kittens, H I S S E S, and goes for his mid morning nap, and so on.  They show little interest in Muffy at this point.  They do, however, feel the dogs are their personal trampolines.  Frank the Basset Hound hates them, and tried to suck one in whole (which reminded me of an alligator going after his prey).   Odie, the oldest pet member of the house, has seen 'them come and go' so he treats them with indifference.  Sparky, on the other hand, has adopted them.  She cleans them with vigor and lets them sleep near her.  It is funny to watch her clean them for her tongue is nearly as big as they are, so they come out clean, and their hairs slicked back like tiny little greasers.  My house is packed to the brim!  Three dogs, three cats, and three kids ... nobody's going to Saint Ives, either!

9/29/99 - Yesterday, I was running errands in town, and this large truck passed me.  I glanced at the side of it, and swear it said, "BaskerVille Company" at first, and all I could think of were the "hounds of baskerville" ... well, I looked again.  Can't say it was any better when I read it correctly!  It said "Bates Casket Company."  I know that someone has to make caskets.  It's a good reminder, too, I think ... We ALL forget that life it too damned short, and we should be enjoying it, as opposed to dreading things.  So, not only does the Bates Casket Company serve the purpose of building caskets, it's delivery vehicle is not only stylish, but a good 'slap in the face' as it were!

I have taken to mentally 'waving' when I pass cemeteries lately.   All the lives they represent ... Seems like it's only right to acknowledge them as I drive by.  For years I struggled with a paralyzing fear of death.  I couldn't swallow or breathe, and I'd starting running for no place, really.  The fear was not of my own death, necessarily, although the 'fear' started at that thought.  One day after church, when I was five years old, my Mom told me (because I asked) where people go when they die.  Her exact words were "the bodies stay here on earth and rot, and the good souls go to heaven."  I thought about that a lot after she told me that.  I pictured it in my little mind, pondered it deeply.  I laid in bed that night sorting these thoughts out ... "if I die, my body rots, my soul goes to heaven. How do I pick up my milk with no arms?  And if I die, all things must die. That means life as I know it will end.  The Sun will end.  The sky will end.  Stars will end ... "

As you can see, it was quiet a culture shock to a small five year old!  That night, I started having panic attacks. 1965.  I believed in heaven and God.  It's not so much that I feared the end of me, as it was the end of EVERYTHING eventually.  My throat tightened up and I could not swallow.  The more I could not swallow, the more I panicked.  I nearly hyperventilated!  These panic attacks went on for years and years.  Sigh.  I would spend a lot of time and energy battling these panic attacks.  It was not easy.  They'd come on out of no where with no warning.  But, I have won the battle to a point.  I have learned to deal with them.  Ease them if they start.  Therapy has helped, as well as learning about MYSELF.  It was hard, dealing with such attacks, and living life 'normally' ... I am very proud of myself that I survived.  After the initial attacks, they were never set off just by the thought of death.  Other things would sent them off.  (I remember watching the movie TORA, TORA, TORA with my Mom on TV one night when I was 14.  Out of the blue, I jumped up, grabbed my throat and blurted out,  MOM, I'M SCARED OF DEATH!  I believe she asked me at that time if I was "on drugs.")  After my first child was born I had bad attacks, probably due to my brain chemicals being off to begin with.  My family doctor at the time spent an hour with me talking things over.  That was when I started to fight the panic attacks myself; talk myself through them.

Long story short, I am dealing with them and they are much better.  It's ok to be scared of things.  Sometimes, our brains cannot process or understand things.  Some things are not meant to be understood.  I can now actually sit through a show on the universe, the big "bang" and the eventual end of things, and enjoy the show for it's educational factor and be in awe of the grand majestic nature of things and appreciate all around me, without choking myself.  I can stare at the stars at night, and ponder the beauty I am beholding, and thank the Lord I'm here to see it, even if it IS only for a short time.  I am very 'proud' of me for living through all of that, when people thought I was weird and odd or on drugs or plain mentally unstable.  I'm still mentally unstable, but now it's on purpose! Smile.

So if you see a color that strikes you as strangely beautiful today, make a mental note and enjoy that color.  If you feel like singing in the halls at work, you should! Hug people ... Hugging is a lost art!  Enjoy the feeling of clean sheets - roll on them like a puppy.  If someone smells good, tell them.   If you are stuck in traffic, ponder the artwork on semi's ... you might have some cool personal revelations! 

10/3/99 - Today the kids and I went and got groceries and I got to get myself a First Alert Carbon Detector.  I have wanted one of those for a long long time.  I live in an old house and the furnace is older than me.  I know the smoke alarms works, (someday I'll tell you about the candle incident).  I just feel much happier with the Carbon Detector.  Plus, I gave Franky the sixty-pound-most likely-seventy-pounds-slobbering-Bassett Hound a bath.   He was STINKY!  He has felt it his personal duty to make sure the kittens are using the litter box efficiently.  A taste tester as it were.  The furnace is lit and working, also.  It is pouring cold rain outside, so at this moment (and it could change in a heartbeat) all is snug and secure at my house.  I defrosted the freezers today.  The one in my refrigerator is not self defrosting, plus I did the deep freezer.  So not only do I feel secure, I feel like I did something wacky and exciting, too!

My daughter is sewing a puppy for school.  It is adorable!   A Plush Puppy.  I am amazed that she can do it.  I never took to sewing.   I do love to crochet when my crap-al tunnel is not acting up.  But sewing?   I'd just as soon staple buttons on a shirt than look at it!   My Mom was a good seamstress.  My sister does wonders with material and thread!  I barely made it through my seventh grade Pig Pillow Project alive.

And a side note: Did you know that if you use too much bubble bath in a whirlpool bathtub with lots of jets, powerful jets, that it has an adverse effect?  Did you know when the bottle says "use one capful" that you probably should?  Labels are very important.  I just thought I'd share that with you in case you were thinking of trying something stupid.

10/4/99 - I had a vacation day today, so I did what my heart desired!  Well, kind of.  I got the kids off to school, got a load of towels done and took a nap until noon.  Hold me back!   Then I forced my 19 year old to get up, and made him do manual labor as I cleaned, also.  Got a few of the spider webs down that had been around long enough to have their own zip code.  I washed curtains and did all the bedding.  I put pork chops and chicken in the oven and cooked them nice and slow.  I even took time to sit on the floor and play with the kittens, as well as send out a few note cards to friends.

We had a nice meal with mashed potatoes and veggies and REAL MEAT before five thirty!  It was wonderful.  I could get used to that for a week or so.  I could not stand to be an at home mom all the time.  I am a better mom being away from home eight or so hours a day than I would be being home all the time.   Although, if a mom can afford to stay home, I clap my hands and praise her fortitude.  It's a hard job, being a full time mom.  Very hard.  I could not do it.  Kudos to the moms and dads who do.

My friends are taking me out to dinner on Thursday night for my birthday.  How kind of them!  We are going out as a herd of females.  We will have fun.  We always do.  We are going to the Cracker Barrel.  Over the years, I have been blessed when it comes to my birthday.  At age 17, my high school buddies had a party for me.  A surprise party.  I was there a half an hour before someone had to tell me it was a party for me!  Duh.  I thought we just had gotten all together for touch football.  About ten years ago, my friend Diane had me over to her house and had a wonderful dinner with beef and baked potatoes and cake.  It touched me that she would go to all the trouble for ME!  There was one birthday when I came into work and there was a big box in my office that had my name on it.  When I opened it up, BALLOONS came flying out!  'Bout gave me a heart attack, but I loved it!  I do so love balloons. (I miss Rhonda K, by the way).   My cousin Dave took me out one year to the Olive Garden for dinner.  That was wonderful, because we had not talked for so long (in person).  I adore my cousin David.  When I was young, my mom used to make me a yellow cake with chocolate frosting.  My favorite.  And in the morning, there was always homemade cinnamon rolls.  Last year my friend Sue remembered me telling her that, and made me cinnamon rolls for my birthday.  I cried, I was so touched.  Too cool.  As you can see, I am a blessed human.

My daughter got an 'A' on her sewing project puppy!!   WooHoo!  Now, I will show her the pile of shirts that need mending.  She did inspire me, though.  I got out my crochet needle and thread and started on a birthday present for my friend, Mary. (Shhhhhhh, don't tell her!!).

Well, that was my day off. Please, don't try this yourself at home!  It's just too dangerous for the normal female!

10/5/99 - Ah, the kittens have discovered the dog food bowl!  Joy!  Now, the family walks around stepping on tiny little chunks of dog food, which causes us all to contort into strange shapes and utter cruel things, LOUDLY.  It's like miniature land mines!  Somewhere, the creator of Kibbles and Bits is laughing, I just know it.  If I had my choice of walking across fire or dog food, I'd have to pick the fire.  I can't be too mad at the kittens, I guess.  They have taken to exploring odd places, and are doing a fine job of spider web removal in the process.  Tonight Spazzy (my youngest son's kitten) emerged from behind the bathtub looking like a tiny Don King.  Spider webs all over his little head and whiskers.

I have to go for a consultation with a surgeon about my stomach problems.  Frankly, this sucks. I did research on gall bladder problems tonight on the web, and found out lots of things.  One of them being, I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.  It's not THERE, so we know there is a problem.  It's taken a walk about ... a vacation?  Is it just shriveled up, or was I born without one?   We shall know the answers soon enough.  Did you know that people who have their gall bladder out are more likely to have colon cancer because of the constant drip drip drip of bile from the liver to the intestine?  I did not know that!  I do now!  Cripes!  When your mother tells you to eat your bran next time, DO IT!   (And if I ever find out one of my kids snatched my gall bladder on the way out, heads will roll!  Where did my youngest get that green silly putty, anyway?)   Smile.

10/9/99 - Surgery update!  There isn't going to be any.

10/10/99 - Ahhhhh, just made potato soup.  I love homemade potato soup.  It just sounded good for supper tonight, being fall weather and all.  My kids think it's evil of mother to make them eat anything containing vegetables of any sort, but like I tell them, TOO BAD or DON'T IT SUCK TO BE YOU?

The Box Elder bugs are going crazy around my house and at work.   My office mate, Cheryl, has a personal vendetta out for each and every one of them that migrate into our office.  Last week, the south window was black with them crawling around so I in my infinite wisdom decided to go out and spray them with bug spray. After starting the assault, my eyes started to focus to the sunlight outside, and I saw that it was not just the window that was packed with the bugs but the whole south side of the wall.  Thousands!  Suddenly I realized how feeble my attempt at pest control was.  All my spraying did was increase the number squeezing in through unknown places into our office.  Poor Cheryl has to work on the south end of our office and gets the initial mass migration.  At home they also hang around the south side of the house as well as a horde of HUGE lady bugs and a nomadic herd of Earwigs. Never a dull moment here.

I went to my cousin Danny's wedding on Saturday.  I didn't think I would cry, but I did!  It was a nice wedding.  Dan looked darn fine in his white tux.  Nicole looked lovely in her beautiful dress.  My cousin Dave, Dan's brother, stood up with him, not as best man, as the ... um ... geez, what do you call it?  (Let's see ... there is the best man, the maid of honor, the brides maids... OH MY! What do you call the male "bride's maids"?)  Well, Dave was that. He looked stunning, also. I spent a lot of time with those two as kids, me and my brother.  We would play army and record 'fake' radio shows.  I have many fond memories of my cousins, Dave and Dan.  Used to cry when we had to go home. Everyone should have cool cousins.

10/12/99 - The clouds today were so beautiful, yet odd.  They looked like jellyfish hanging in the sky.  Long tentacles falling from beneath each puff of cloud.  And tonight, the sunset held the most brilliant colors of pink and purple.  My friend Ken told me years and years ago that the colors of the sunset were caused by pollution, but the colors are wonderful, nonetheless.  That was the wonderful part of the day ... now on to reality -

It is apparently National PMS Day in my little world!   People at work were short tempered and/or their wheels were turning but their hamsters were dead.  When I got home, my daughter cried when I showed her the proper way to clean off the stove after doing dishes.  "QUIT YELLING AT ME, OK? I DON'T WANNA FIGHT!!!" she screamed and ran out the door with her dog Sparky in tow, crying. I stood there with the dishcloth in my hand, wondering what word of English I had gotten wrong when I tried to explain it to her. My youngest son cried twice while we were attempting to do his first grade homework.  "I CAN'T COUNT TO TWELVE, I DON'T KNOW HOW!  WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO ME????  WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS YELLING, YELLING?"

By now, I am just in a daze for I do not know what is going on nor do I know how I am holding myself or how I am speaking to invoke these outbreaks.   I look longingly at the dogs, thinking how nice it would be to curl up on the couch and pretend I don't understand a thing except the word "treat?" - it would all be so easy to do.  Sigh.  It would be easy to climb in my car and drive away into the beautiful pollution ridden sunset at this point, forget I had any responsibility at all, and find a land that understands my dialect and body language.  But, tomorrow IS another day, after all - Scarlet - so we'll just hang on and try again then.  So QUIT YELLING AT ME, OK?

10/13/99 - Today started off all sunny and bright and mild.  Then came a storm, BOOM, and it was wet and COLD!   Time to issue the winter coats out to the troops as well as the mittens!   There will be frost on the pumpkins tomorrow mornin, for sure.  I can check this and verify my assumption by walking to the neighbors house.  They never threw out their pumpkins from Halloween last year, so now their front yard is one huge vine with several pumpkins growing on it.

10/14/99 - The STARS!  This morning, it being just a little after six a.m. the stars are so clear!  Like you could reach up and grab a bunch out of the sky.  It amazes me, the sheer BEAUTY of a sky like this.  What a wonderful sight.  There are no words for the majestic feeling I get when looking up at a sky like this.  Sigh.  Oh, and just a note;   If you are going to pet the neighbor's pumpkins at six in the morning, alert them to this fact PRIOR to the pumpkin petting. unless you are very friendly with the local authorities.

10/19/99 - Sigh.  What a day!   There are days like this I am amazed at myself.  No, I'm not bragging, nor am I too proud.  I am just simply AMAZED.  It is ok to be amazed at things, even yourself from time to time.  Amazed that you survived a scary crisis, perhaps ... amazed you have not had any chocolate for two weeks and have not killed ANYONE for the lack of it ... amazed at all the things you do in one 24 hour period WHILE having a period.  It is not being 'vain' nor is it being boastful.

Even in this modern age, with microwaves and washing machines, we end up doing a lot in one day.

Getting the kids up in the morning and getting a fairly decent breakfast down them.
Reminding them of all the things they need to have in their back packs.
Washing breakfast dishes.
Making sure the dogs are fed and watered.
Making sure the cats are fed and watered.
Making sure teeth get brushed.
Wiping the wild sprays of urine off the toilet.
Taking your own shower.
Eating your own breakfast.
Making sure you have all the things you need in your purse.
Getting the kids on the bus or to the sitter's.
Getting yourself to work.
Working.
Learning, teaching, and earning money.
Sharing lunch with good friends.
Working more.
Running errands after work.
Fixing dinner.
Dishes.
Getting kids off to after school appointments.
Helping with homework.
Finding lost toys.
Making sure the troops are bathed and showered.
Paying bills.
Cleaning house.
Hugs, Kisses, and Emotional Support.
Good nights.

Just a few of the things I did today.  That doesn't count the background mental tangents taking place of thinking ahead and planning.  I am amazed.  I also started packing up my 19 year old's room.  He's moving in with his little brother, and his sister is taking the 'room of honor' as she says.  She's 12. She needs her privacy now.  And my 19 year old has to realize REAL LIFE is NOW IN PROGRESS.  I wish he'd go to college.  I wish he'd feel that need.   But at this time his main focus is on his girlfriend in Chicago, and sleeping.   I do not know how to motivate him.  One must come to the conclusion to do something for themselves by themselves.  Any damage I could cause has already taken place.  It broke my heart as I packed things up and labeled the boxes.

A parent does not want to kick a child out necessarily.   They do want them to be independent one day - find their own space and niche in time - take responsibility and ... and ... and some day be AMAZED at themselves.

10/20/99 - Man, I have the best off all worlds!  I can watch History Channel 'til ten, the Southpark!  A bit extreme?  Perhaps.  The History Channel always has specials on aviation and it's history. I love watching those.  When I was in Tucson for work, a friend took me to Pima Air Museum.  He is a bit of an aficionado on planes, so it was a marvelous tour.   I could have stayed there for eight hours without getting tired.  Very fascinating.  Southpark makes me laugh out loud.  The voice of Cartman, and his attitude about life in general just tickles me.  I have a HUGE stuffed Cartman doll that talks when you squeeze his hand.  What a hoot. Sometimes, he just 'talks' on his own.  Never underestimate the power of cartoon characters!!!

The sunrise this morning was so beautiful!  Pinks and purples and oranges of the likes I've never seen.  So cool. I would love to 'run' through those colors, like Klinger ran through the wild flower field in M*A*S*H in his Scarlet O'Hara dress, or twirl through them like Stevie Nicks in her lace shawl.  Or, you could say, I would love to roll on them colors like a dog on a dead squirrel.

10/25/99 - I have a cold and I am currently producing enough snot to cause minor flooding in local low lying areas.  I ache all over too.  Ah, you must admire the common cold.  How it can be so 'not common' sometimes, but rather rambunctious.  I was very tired last night but could not sleep well from the lack of ability to breath, mainly.  The snot just rolling out in buckets and the coughing.  I drank some juice and sat up on the couch to doze a little.  Helped the draining problem a lot. The kittens were up too to entertain me. They were quite spazzy to say the least. They found out how to get into the bath tub and I could hear them in there sliding all over. Sounded like kitten skateboarding in there. Very entertaining. Then they would play chase in the living room, usually ending up hitting full force head on in the middle of the room. They took the liberty to wake me up this morning by clawing through the afghan I had draped over me on the couch and digging into my legs. Of course, now they are sleeping all over Frank.  I intend to do that soon, too. (Sleep, that is, but not on top of Frank).  Frank is the ultimate in stereotypical Basset Hound.  He could be the poster dog for Bassets everywhere.

Even with the kids at school I keep the T.V. on cartoons.  It is comforting to a degree when one is sick, I think.  Plus, I misplaced the controller.  I did a lot of dumb stuff yesterday in my state of snot. I cleaned the T.V. screen with carpet cleaner instead of Windex.  I'd light the burner to put the tea pot on, and then forgot to move the teapot to the burner.  Duh.  I also sprayed Pledge on the phone instead of Lysol Spray.  Apparently there is not enough room upstairs for snot AND a focused thought process.  I am going to draw a nice hot bath here in a second, before my nap, to soak out the join pain.  Whenever I'm sick, that's the first thing I want to do ... soak in a nice hot tub.  No doubt I'll forget I have the water running ... so run, Save Yourselves!

10/27/99 - I made it through a whole day of work!!!  After two days off sick, I went to work and got lots done.  It felt good to get out of the house.  I was NOT meant to stay home all the time.   I was meant to WORK or frequently run away from home.

I have lost my voice somewhat. (I sound like Zorak on Space Ghost). This seems to have a wondrous effect on my children.  They are treating me KINDLY!  My daughter did dishes without me asking...(or in my case tonight, squeaking).  My six year old didn't fight about eating dinner, he just ate it!!   A MIRACLE!  Here, for the last two days, I've had a burning fever and could barely navigate and they ignored me!  Now I find the secret to raising children seems to be communicating with clicks and grunts and wild arm gestures!  Cripes!  It took me 19 years to figure this out!!!  From now on, just call me 'ape mom' and look out!  Ug!  Shut up and eat your banana.

Are you dressing up for Halloween?  I am. I always do. A witch ... I go as a witch.  I only do this because in my effort to look scary, I always end up getting complimented on how good I look.  I find it entertaining.   Kind of a Catch 22 as it were. The harder I try to look ghoulish, the better I look girlish! (Somewhere my mother obviously missed passing on a gene or two ... )

10/30/99 - It has been a fun few days. Well, so much for my theory of looking better as a witch.  At lunch I went to my hairdresser and had her make my hair witchy.  When she was done, I looked EXACTLY like Pearl from Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It was actually kind of funny. When I came home from work, my daughter said, "Hey Mom, you look just like that lady from MST3K!!!" (Mike Nelson, where are you? Tom? Servo?)

We went to the local zoo for the annual Zoo Boo last night, also.   It helps the zoo earn money to support the animals and it's all done by volunteers.  They hand out treats, (local companies also sponsor the treats, etc).   Local groups like Cub Scouts carve hundreds of pumpkins that line the paths we walk.  It's not scary but it is kind of cute.  The cutest thing is all the little kids.  There are some really creative costumes!  Last night the place was packed!  I thought I was so smart getting a closer parking spot to the entrance, but when we walked up to the entrance, the line to get in was way back, curving around to almost where we originally parked!  I can't wait for the Zoo Lights. They also decorate for Christmas. If it's snowing it is very very pretty.

Tonight we went trick or treating at the local mall.  It is easier on my bones to walk around the mall as opposed to getting in and out of the car a million times in the local neighborhoods.  The kids got 'quite a haul' as my daughter said, none the less. My son figured out how many little tootsie rolls he could cram in his mouth before dislocating his jaw.  Does chocolate drool come out of a Pokemon costume?

I have all my 'spooky' Halloween lights lit up, as well as my fiber optic Halloween tree.  There are a ton of candles lit and the living room is in the 'right' mood for the night.  Last night when I couldn't sleep, I came out on the couch and tried sleeping in the lazy boy chair part of the couch, covered ith Frank, Sparky, and Odie and the two kittens.  After I had fallen asleep, around 3:30 in the morning I was dreaming about something to do with the front door and I woke up to knocking on my actual front door!  I was scared!   I peed my pants, I was so scared! (Actually, peeing my pants is not so much a problem for my bladder anymore ... hahahaa).  I was just paralyzed with fright.   What to do?  What to do?  After a few seconds of calming down and deep breathing and WAKING UP a bit, I realized it was just Frank doing his butt dance on the front door.  When Frank's rear end itches he scratches it, not unlike a pig would do, on the front door.  His tail, which probably weighs 20 lbs. by itself, slaps against the door with great 'happy scratched butt' intensity, hence making a ghoulish 'knockkkkkkk knockkkkkkkkkkk knockkkkkkkkk' sound.  I cleaned things up, and went to bed.   Sigh. 

11/04/99 - I want to go back to work. Sigh. The more time you spend at home, the more stuff you see that needs to be cleaned. I've been home sick for two days. Apparently my cold decided to upgrade itself to bronchitis and a sinus infection. I thought that was pretty nice of it, don't you? I went to the doctors yesterday morning, finally, after two weeks of getting worse and worse and pretending I felt better.. All this week I could barely 'go' due to being so damned tired. It does make me feel better mentally to know I'm tired because I'm sick and not because I'm ... well ... just tired!! I tried going to my daughter's conferences on Tuesday night, but I only made it through one teacher before I started coughing and snotting and hacking on the poor guy. The best part is, when I cough, I pee my pants. I know it's not a pretty thought, but it's a fact, and many people out there do it too! (Or at least that's what I tell myself - me and June Allison)! So now I am on three different prescriptions - antibiotic, anti-hacking, anti-snotting. Now team that with my anti-high blood pressure pills and my antidepressant, and my anti-reflux pills, I make a neat rattling sound when I walk. Kind of like a castanets sound. I got rhythm, I got music, I got my pills, who could ask for anything more?

After being so good for so long with my eating and diet, I expect the scale at the doctors to show a big huge drop in my bulk content!! It did not! I was a bit upset. No doubt my fat cells are being replaced by snot cells! ( That is the best theory I can come up with this early in the morning).

It snowed here yesterday morning! Lake effect snow, but still, it was snow! It was so pretty. I adored the huge flakes and the whole 'shaker ball' atmosphere. The world looks so beautiful in a shower of snow. I believe I am part polar bear, and this polar bear is going to crawl into bed and hibernate until about noon. Have a wonderful day!

11/08/99 - It's nice and mild here in Florida, and I am here for the Harbinger Conference. My sinus infection did well on my best flight to date....smooth as a baby's bottom. My bronchitis rears it's ugly head from time to time, but mainly, I just get really tired by five p.m. Not that any of you care. We all have our own problems. My snot content is most likely not one of yours!

The resort here, Grenelefe, just happened to have a sewer explosion early in the day Sunday, so all of us inbound conference peeps (650 strong, mind you) had a bit of wait to get a place to rest our weary butts. To start off, the shuttle that was to run from the airport never showed up, so I took a hired car. Apparently there were problems with the subcontracted transportation service. Grenelefe is 45 minutes from Orlando Airport, and I was way too tired to get a car and drive, for fear I'd end up in Cuba. Did you know that every so many miles, you pay a toll? If one was a trucker, you'd not have the time to upshift before you were shelling out another 50 cents. I guess it is worth it, because it delays the inevitable arrival at Disney World or Universal Studios, hence enhancing the experience, for we all know by now, anticipation is half the fun anyway.

Upon the arrival here, there was the wait for a room that had plumbing. They have nice 'condo' type houses, and then they have the 'UFO' style houses. Not a room, mind you, but two bathroom, Jacuzzi tubs, and enough bed space for the Kettle family, all on stilts in the middle of a swamp near the golf course, in the shape of a space craft. I am quite taken by my HOUSE, because the house is circled by windows and I love glass. Too bad the bird poop covered the view of the swamp.

Since there was such a scurry to find housing for everyone, the UFO itself was not cleaned. I could tell exactly what the person before me had for the last two dinners, and for bed time snacks, and they were extremely clean for all the bathrooms showers had wet towels and washcloths. Sigh. Even when I travel, I have to play 'Mom' ... (I called housekeeping this morning, telling them I know how busy they are, but could I have some shampoo and may I borrow a garbage bag or two). The bed was already 'slept' in, so I bunked on the couch.

I must confess that I did run from room to room screaming for as everyone knows, in spaceship shaped houses no one can hear you scream. The cable connection to the TV is shot, also. So I am limited to the 'higher' channels, and have just left it on the History Channel. I know all you'd care to hear about spontaneous human combustion throughout history now and other neat historical facts. I have a full working kitchen which is nice, because the fridge has an ice maker which in itself is quite fascinating to watch. The ice cubes are a lovely crescent shape.

Oh, and before I forget, using lotion coated Kleenex in 80 degree weather is not advisable. They seem to disintegrate at a rate faster than my nose is running.

11/14/99 - Yawwwwwwwn, Stretchhhhhhhhhhhh. It's Sunday. Don't you ever have the urge to get on the ground and stretch out like a cat and roll around like a dog on a dead squirrel? Well, I did this morning. Woke up to a quiet house, so I got down on the living room floor to stretch to my heart's content. Apparently the snapping and popping noise that emitted from my joints called the dogs, for soon it was a literal 'dog pile' on Sandy. Maybe it was due to the fact I had just woke up, or maybe it was because I had enough dogs on me to cut off air to the brain, but Frank's face appeared to be in 'mosaic'. Took me a second to realize it was the fact his face was covered with kitty litter. Ick. A new holiday figure - Frank the Litter Nosed Basset.

There is quite a selection of birds at my bird feeder this morning. Blue Jays, Tufted Tit Mouses, Morning Doves, Finches, Sparrows, and Nut Hatches. I have started buying bird food in 25 pound bags, because the little nipper's are PIGS!!!! I decided to keep feeding them year round starting last year. There is a constant stream of them to the feeder, and they've even come to some kind of bird/cat relationship with Muffy, who spends most of his time outside. Many times I've seen eight + birds eating on the feeder, throwing seed remnants all over Muffy, who laid beneath the feeder casually flipping his tail in indifference. Muffy is quite the hunter, considering his front claws are gone. I've seen him take a rabbit before. No contest. And considering he's also neutered, he is quite manly about things. He still hisses and smacks the kitten upside the head, but now he'll lick them, too, as he holds them down with both front paws.

I was just thinking in the 'old' days the government had wars and such to worry about so they left us as people of this nation alone, pretty much. Now things are kind of quiet, so government must get bored, and they waste all their time and our money on going after people like Bill Gates and other successful people and/or businesses. I am convinced this is merely out of boredom and if they'd all get a hobby, this would not be a problem. I fear we should change what Lady Liberty proclaims to read ..." give us your poor, your down trodden, but DON'T get too COCKY or RICH or we'll make people sit through endless hours of CSPAN coverage on how we will take you down and put you in your place... " It won't be long before we are all locked in our basements with the shades drawn just to eat a steak, because red meat kills, you know, and cows DO have a tendency look an awful lot like Hitler and probably makes you crave tobacco - and the government will ban beef and since no one can eat cows anymore there will be a horrible methane build up in the upper atmosphere and an explosion causes world wide destruction and sends earth into darkness and meatlessness so plants cannot grow and we all become fossil fuel for some distant descendants that managed to survive the mass extinction of a really bored human race.

I've been finding puffs of cotton all over the house lately. For the life of me, I could not figure what these were coming from. I'd clean these up every night before bed, and in the morning there was a whole new 'crop' of cotton puffs. Talk about Dust Bunnies!! Well, when doing laundry this morning, I found the cause! I found the 'skin' of one of the toy mice that I had purchased for the kittens. It seems the kitten's "gutting" instinct is alive and well.

11/19/99 - It has been a long yet productive week. It has been a long yet very 'blonde' week for me. I know I'm not a stupid woman but I have moments where my mind leaves my body apparently, for a period of time. Speaking of periods, that MIGHT have something to do with the diminished mental capabilities. OK, let's just be honest here, I sometimes just do stupid things. I can't see this problem improving with time, so I might as well just own up to it. Thursday I stopped to get gas at the corner gas station, and decided I'd pick something up for lunch from their little deli area. I saw the freshly stocked hot dog case, and thought to myself, "Man, those look really good" and reached in to get one. Mind you, they are in a glass case, with a glass door. Reaching in to get one was actually a good idea had I opened the door. Even though I realized in at least one brain cell that there was a glass door there, I DID IT AGAIN!!! The lady behind the counter was smiling and mentioned "that I might want to open the door to get the hot dog." I had to laugh at myself out loud. I told her, "I wanted that hot dog REALLY BAD" ... although I though afterwards I thought I should have told her I was practicing my Mime Street Act, the classic 'hot dog in a glass box' routine.

Have you ever done something so completely DUMB that you amazed yourself? (If you say "no" you are a sick, pathological liar, and probably think every song is about you).

11/23/99 - I have been SO EXCITED this last week, and I don't know why! Maybe because it's the holidays ... maybe it's because I have all my shopping done for Christmas before December for the first time in my whole life ... maybe it was the two pots of coffee. Whatever it is, I feel ... well ... excited. I want it to snow so badly. I put up my Christmas lights and they would look much better if they were blinking through softly falling snow instead of just reflecting (quite lovely, might I add) off the bag of suet I have hanging up for my birdies. Sigh.

It was so warm today, and so windy, that my full skirt was not the best choice to wear. I played Marylin Monroe at the drugstore at lunch. (For those exposed to the rear side view, I apologize). I kind of hoped I could become airborne and fly - soar over my little world - but I didn't have on my Sunday best undies, so it's best that I stayed planted on the ground. (Ask the people on the rear side of me)!

I continue to have major 'brain farts' since the Mime/Hotdog incident. I forget words, I put things in the fridge that should be in the cupboard and visa versa. I also have been feeling like I belong somewhere, ANYWHERE, but not HERE, and I'm extremely late getting there! I know I'm doing these dumb things when I do them, so I don't think I am turning into my Mom yet. I actually don't know what is wrong with me. (And if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them). Unknown anticipation is a good term for how I feel. Not foreboding, not worry, just anticipation. It doesn't feel bad, it doesn't feel necessarily good, either.

The kittens have been a hoot; playing in the shower, running over my face in the middle of the night and playing with my hair, unraveling my half done doilies, grabbing my bare legs while sitting on the toilet, flying across the room and attaching themselves to the back of my head. They play in the litter box with gusto, flinging it all over the kitchen. They keep us all laughing. (Did I sound convincing)?

The other night, I gave the dogs leftover's from the fridge and Frank inhaled all of the Sloppy Joe leftovers, and proceeded to expand in the middle. He started to salivate at a high rate and do an apparent Basset Hound form of dry heaving. (It started at his tail, and rolled all the way to the folds in his neck, then came out as sort of a silent bellowing motion). We rushed him outside, and he puked all that he inhaled plus more. Then he ate grass, and started all over again. I thought for sure I had killed him. His already bulky frame was increasing in size at a scary rate. I thought silently to myself which cleaning solution to use to get exploded Basset off the walls as I watched Frank suffer. After about two hours he was ready to come back in the house but he never did reach maximum Frankitude until the next day. Frank will NEVER get scraps again until they come out with a doggie form of Alka Seltzer.

I felt like I had a 'scratch' in my throat all day. I just looked at it with the flashlight ... ain't no scratch, that's for sure!!! My uvula is all red!!! I don't wanna be sick again! NO NO NO! I just got over the bronchitis and sinus infection! So, I gargled with salt water and peroxide and took two vitamin C. This is not fair. Not fair at all. Damn Damn Damn. It does remind me of a funny little skit from the original Saturday Night Live ... "it'll behoove ya to take care of yer uvula ..." I believe it was with Gilda Radner and Jane Curtain? Memories. (Sure, I can REMEMBER THAT! Geez)!!!

11/24/99 - I talked to my best friend Vickie tonight. Vickie and I are as different as night and day. She is tall and skinny where I am short and fat. She takes time to be pretty and neat, and I let my self hang out all over the place. But there is something about Vickie that is too deep to explain - the connection I feel with her is intense. She is more a part of me than my liver could ever hope to be. Even when we do not talk for months on end, we still pick up as if we saw each other yesterday. She lives in Florida now. I miss her very much but always feel 'brand new and young' after talking to her. I am not sure what connects the two of us, but I do believe it goes much farther than 'normal' human things can go. We are sisters, perhaps, in some other dimension ... the Mutt and Jeff of the Twilight Zone ... the Mounds and Almond Joy of the Candy Bar Rack of life ... Vickie is the understood 'you' in my sentence of life.

I told her about my on line diary. I am so happy she will be 'reading' me ... but then again, I felt like she was here all along as it were. I truly hope we end up in the same nursing home as old women, or our brains end up in the same jar in some lab. I cannot imagine my life without her in it.

11/27/99 - My uvula seems to be feeling a tad less icky today. Did you ever notice, though, that when you think of a body part (or anything, for that matter) long enough, how everything about that part of your body will seem three times more intense and it becomes your main focus? Did you ever become aware of your tongue? Doesn't that just piss you off? Did you ever say the same word over and over again 'til it loses all meaning?

To take my mind off my uvula I started cutting out my holographic wrapping paper snowflakes. I love making those stupid things. I sat up making them until two this morning. After I cut them out, I stick them in heavy books to flatten them out before I mail them off to friends or take them to work to plaster all over my cubicle. There is something very therapeutic about cutting out paper snow flakes.

11/28/99 - My oldest son announced today he might be moving out at the end of next week. This hit me quite hard. It shocked me, how hard it hit me. A baby bird, leaving MY NEST? I didn't panic when I turned 30 years old ... I don't worry about turning 40 next year ... but this news hit me HARD. I pondered it all day. When my two youngest asked what was wrong with me, I couldn't even verbalize to them how I was feeling.

My daughter and youngest son fetched our small potted Christmas tree today. Small and potted because we have small and free roaming kittens. I figured they would be less likely to try to scale the tree if it were up off the floor on a table. After getting the tree, we went to see Toy Story 2. I enjoyed it. Quite the hoot. The kids laughed a lot, and also liked it. After that, we went to get groceries. We came home, put the groceries away, then started to decorate the little potted tree, which shall be known from here on out as Gustav. (I had a dream last night about this, and the tree in the dream was Swedish. Too much History Channel before bed)????

As we were decorating Gustav, my oldest son ran in the door to fetch his things. (He was staying the night at his girlfriend's mother's house). I asked where his woman was and he said she did not want to come in the house. Already, she's avoiding the 'mother in law' as it were! Right at that point, 'Blue Christmas' came on the "Music for the Season" channel we were listening to, and I started to cry. I hid my face from the view of the younger ones by facing Gustav and fidgeting with his light arrangement. I was very sad at that moment. The dreaded "wait 'til you have kids of your own" curse, passed down from generation to generation, had hit me full force tonight.

I do believe I was so upset, because I feel my oldest has so much to learn yet about 'real' life. Any mother's instinct is to protect their child in any way possible. You cannot protect a child, even an adult one, from 'real life' - you can to a point as they are growing up, perhaps, but WE ALL learned 'real life' lessons on our own, making our own mistakes and repeating history to make it our 'own' history. I suppose I should look on this as a 'job' on my part. I worked my required hours as a mother, and did the required functions. Now, my shift for my oldest son is over. I am officially off duty ...(but, I'll remain on call, just in case ... ) 

12/01/99 - Happy December!  I cannot believe the time has gone so fast this year.  (Of course, it's because I am getting older, and time seems to go faster as one gets closer to the 'geezer' years.)

I did most of my Christmas shopping on line (ok ALL of it).   The packages have been filtering in at a nice rate, where I have to wrap a few presents every night.  It is working out well.  After the kids are asleep, I wrap up the gifts, and hide them away.  Monday night, the "Smart Buzz Light Year" I ordered for my son was next in line for wrapping.  I opened the big old box as it stood on end.  Just then, the big old space heater I have came on!   Oh, the FUN.  The foam peanuts pellets inside the box - (in my shipping days, we called the flutter f**ckers) - became airborne!  The kittens thought this was grand fun and they began spazzing with gusto, chasing these foam peanuts all over. (It reminded me of Cat Ice Hockey, which, as you know,is very popular in warmer climates.)

I did not attempt to pursue the flying foam thingys at this time, though, for Buzz had fallen out of the box, too, which activated him.  "Buzz Lightyear ........ to Infinity and Beyond"....... he proclaimed, laying face down on the floor.  He announced himself VERY LOUDLY. And it didn't stop at that, he kept TALKING LOUDLY about things such as how to help him get to his Star Base and "...turn me over, HEY, TURN ME OVER...!"  I made a lunge to cover Buzz with my body as if he were a grenade to keep him from waking up the kids. In my infinite wisdom (AND BEYOND!) I looked him over and pushed MORE BUTTONS which made him kick in with sound effects and he WOULD NOT SHUT UP!  I covered him with afghans to muffle him.   This caused the dogs to investigate the talking pile of blankets and Sparky took it upon herself to rescue whoever was under the pile.  Long story shorter, I eventually did get him wrapped, and I put him in the deepest darkest spot in the closet because I didn't want the kittens walking on him and starting this 'infinity and beyond' business all over again.  I should have gotten a nice quiet box of blocks!

I made pigs in a blanket for dinner with cheese hot dogs.   Hot dogs and I have had trouble lately.  The first bite I took out of mine squirted VERY hot cheese on my face, so now I am branded near the left side of my cheek with hot cheese scars.  Hot cheese has quite a projectile to it, when bitten properly.

12/5/99 - A lovely weekend it was!   Very restful.  Three naps for me!  Woo Hoo.  Of course, if I wouldn't stay up all night all week long, maybe I wouldn't be so tired on the weekends!

It is snowing as I type, and I love the thought.  Not the bad driving it causes, but I seem to take that in stride.  It looks nice looking out the window and seeing the flakes cascade down around the porch light.  There are many lovely display of Christmas lights around my block.  I love watching them as I run the kids to their activities.  Of course, it's about all I can see, since I do not have the best sight night driving.  (I should be on one of those commercials about "and she's sharing the road with you ...")

We went to see the local parade on Saturday and for a small town, it was an OK parade.  Of course, I cried at the marching band, I always do.   Something about marching bands.  Sigh.  We got to see a horse poop, and my son found that his favorite part of the parade.  My daughter had many friends riding on the floats so we were nearly pelted to death by handfuls of candy there for a while. We also took the kittens in for their last set of shots for a while, and it scares them to be in the box to go to the vet, so naturally, they poop.  It was a crappy morning, now that I think of it.

I also got to meet my oldest nieces newly adopted son.  He is a cutie!  We met at McDonald's and let the kids play in the Play Land, or Static Land, as I like to call it.  Those plastic slides and balls build up lots of static!   When my niece saw my youngest son, she said how much he looked like my father.   I have been having dreams of my Dad for the last year.  He died in 1985.   I couldn't figure out why I would be dreaming of him!  After she said that, I looked long and hard and my son and thought, "Geez, HE DOES LOOK LIKE MY DAD!"   At least all the dreams made sense now.  I am always amazed at our brains and how they work.  I never was aware of the fact that my son has similar features to my Dad's, not aware that is, in my up front day to day thoughts.  But somewhere my brain saw it, throwing out the occasional Father Film in my nightly journeys.  I wish we could learn to use our brains to their fullest some day.  It would be way too cool.

I am off to bed.  The car is covered with snow and it dawns on me at this moment that I have no idea where my "brusher offer" is ... maybe it's location will come to me in a dream.

12/6/99 - My dear cousin David asked me my opinion on tinsel for the Christmas tree.  Some people like to use it, others do not.  My Dad would never let us touch it as I was growing up, because we didn't apply it correctly.  (Apparently if the tinsel was not put up exactly right, the tree would spontaneously combust or the like, I was never quite sure as a kid.).

I wrote back to my cousin my 'Tinsel Opinion':

"...On the subject of tinsel, it is my considered opinion that:

#1 - Tinsel clogs the vacuum cleaner, so I'm pretty sure it was invented by an Orick or a Hoover.

#2 - Cats and Dogs assume that anything even remotely looking like tinsel is some form of Animal Metamucil, and will consume it in mass quantities and poop out lovely bowel movements for all to enjoy.

#3 - I like the look of tinsel on a tree if it's not too heavy or just lobbed on in handfuls ...

#4 - As much as I like the look of tinsel on a tree, I am the type that just takes a handful and lobs it in the general direction of the tree, usually ending up with piles of it on the floor which immediately goes in to the pets, which is the place it ends up, so ... um ... what was I talking about any way?

#5 - You mean you are supposed to take tinsel OFF the tree before you take it out after Christmas?  Now you tell me!

So, my tinsel opinion is - YES I like it, so do my dogs and cats, and it is much better to clean up holographic feces than plain old poop.  But, I did not use it this year. So, I could go either way. (Does that make me bi?)...."

12/11/99 - All that talk about tinsel inspired me to purchase a box of holographic style tinsel.  I lobbed it on the tree in handfuls, and stood back to admire it.  The little tree did look a bit better with it on, I must say.  My youngest helped me lob it on the tree, and the left overs from the box went on our bush out front.  (Of course, that was an ingenious idea, for it was quite windy and now it's all over the yard, streaming ever so pretty.  Some bird is going to have a kick butt nest come spring.)  The next day, all the tinsel on the lower branches was mysteriously missing!  Not for long, though, because I told my daughter to 'scoop the poop' in the cat litter box, and - well, 'nough said?

Which brings me to my point on the importance of recycling ...

12/13/99 - My daughter and I went shopping tonight.  She had yet to do her Christmas shopping, and she also needed dress shoes for her first band concert tomorrow night.  We found the shoes, and panty hose, and all the needed articles to present her royally for her concert.  Then we went shopping for gifts.  She is a wonderful 'saver' of money, so price was no object - the ability to focus on the deed was!  Sigh.  I directed her a lot, suggesting things as we went.  It got to the point where I was in dire need of using the ladies room, and with my bladder, you don't mess around, so I dragged her along, throwing things in the cart and telling her who they would be for.  We did manage to get all we went for, plus some.  I did make it to the ladies room JUST in time.

On the way up to the store, we listened to Christmas music on a local station to 'trim the tree by' and sang along, adding our own words when we didn't know the actual versions.  She asked questions about "Wise Men" versus "We Three Kings" ... I told her my favorite Christmas songs were 'Winter Wonder Land' and 'Let It Snow' and 'Away in a Manger' ... and no, that wasn't 'Sam the Snowman' singing, it was Burl Ives ... I was suddenly over come by the deep feeling of loss and yearning for my own Mom, and it was all I could do to choke back the sudden wave of tears.

I looked at my daughter realizing she would be repeating such events as we were sharing tonight with her daughter or son, and until the sun burns out generations upon generations will have these 'moments' with their offspring.  The 'Big Picture' of life is just that, BIG.  It can be overwhelming if you let yourself ponder on it too much. I am convinced that the BEST we can do as humans is to make our own little spec of the big picture an enjoyable, amazing experience.  By doing that, we will have a itsy bitsy tiny domino effect on the whole Big Picture.  Comforting and disturbing all in one fell swoop.  I highly encourage all of you to hug the ones you adore, and speak up when someone says something that tickles you.  Hold these moments to you like a warm blanket on a cold night, and carry on ...

12/21/99 - I just got out of the shower.  I was trying a drastic HOT/COLD treatment to cure my stiff shoulder.   My left shoulder woke me up at four a.m. this morning, screaming with white hot pain.  As one might say, I slept 'funny' although I don't remember laughing at any point, as my buddy Jeff pointed out ... The pain was TERRIBLE.  I managed after four trys to get the medicine cabinet open and swallow several aspirin.  Then I focused on my muscles and drawing upon all the neat tricks I learned from the "Dune" books, tried to relax enough to locate the exact spot of the pain.  By five a.m., I was semi mobile but by then unable to go to sleep.  I found it funny that here I was in tears from shoulder pain yet I couldn't call in sick for we had our Christmas lunch today with our bosses boss. You HAVE to go to the bosses boss's lunch!  It's required by law.  (I did have the most marvelous Pepper Crab Soup. Sigh. I think one of my most inner most fantasies is to be naked, drink wine and eat crab legs ....I do so love crab meat, crab soup, crab cocktail, barbecue crab ... )  But, I digress ...

My poor Aunt Jean is in the hospital.  She is one of my favorite Aunts.  She is my Mother's Sister.  She went in the hospital with heart problems via ambulance on Friday night.  They determined a blockage, but not where.   They were to schedule her for testing on Monday to find the blockage and prevent an attack, and sent her home on Sunday patched up with nitro.  After arriving at home, she got out of the car, started into the porch, forgot her paper on the front seat, turned to get it, stepped down in to the garage, and heard her ankle snap.  And in keeping with the law of gravity and the general rule of "broken ankles", she fell, only to break a bone above her artificial knee.  She had surgery today.  I have to find out how she is doing.  Aunt Jean made quite an impression on me.  (I cannot speak for her children, of course. I didn't have to LIVE with her 24/7 as I grew up.).   I did cherish the Sunday visits to her house.  She was a loud, verbal woman.   She spoke her mind.  Quite unlike my mother, who held everything in and suffered for the world.  She gave me a 'clue' at a young age that women could romp, scream, assert themselves, and have an opinion.  A gift by any measurement.  Now she is suffering, and what can I give her?  Sigh.

It has been spitting snow the last few days, and the temperature has dropped dramatically.  I love it.  People who know me alert me to the fact that it's snowing.  I think that is very neat.  They know I love it.  I took time today to look at the picnic tables at work, covered with fluffy snow, and studied the different shapes.  Quite amazing, these snow flakes.  Beautiful.

My friend Jane got me a Monkey Screen Mate for Christmas.   It fits around your monitor, and is so darned cute.  I named him Mojo, and actually prefer wearing him around my neck like a Monkey Stole.  His face sits right next to mine, and it makes me feel quite pretty, even 'Mojoriffic' if you will.  (Is that a banana you are holding , Mojo, or are you just happy to see me?)  I also bought myself a two foot tall stuffed Abominable Snowman from the Christmas Classic "Rudolph" for my own Christmas present.  He's the cutest stuffed Bumble!   I currently have him belted in my car.  He's been riding shotgun since Monday. You should see some of the looks I have been getting!!

I did something most stupid today.  Judy made all her coworkers the most delicious homemade Molasses Sugar Cookies and Honey Sugar Cookies.   Jim gave all of his coworkers one of those "whack and separate" chocolate oranges.  Well, I whacked the chocolate orange, and saving a step, ate it practically whole.  Then the cookies, feeling neglected, jumped into my stomach.  I have to say that they didn't get along well at all with the Peppered Crab Soup.  Can you say "reflux"??? Belch.  Cheryl made us all the cool angels.  Made out of lacy white material I felt like Laura Ingalls Wilder when she got her first 'real' doll!  I adore this angel. I named her Arbor Mist, or the Angel formerly known as Abigail.  I hugged her repeatedly.  I think I will sleep with her tonight.   When I think of it, my day was full of wonderful little joys!  Geez, except for a charlie horse in my neck the size of New Jersey, all is merry and bright!

12/27/99 - It's back to work this morning after a nice long Christmas weekend.  A restful one, at that!  We had a grand time at my sister's Christmas Eve get together, and I didn't over eat too much.   I did have quite an emotional moment on the way to my sister's house on Christmas Eve. The radio played that Kenny G. version of Auld Lang Syne that has clips of events from the past century.  I cried like a baby!  So MUCH has happened to 'us' as a people in the last 100 years - so many monumental moments.  Yet it made me think if this was just the past Century, what is in store for us?  Technology is advancing at a phenomenal rate, and ideas move through the masses like waves of grain. It will be something to see what's next.  It was an overwhelming emotional second or two there that left me quite verclempt, and ran my mascara!  Sigh.

This was my youngest child's first TECHNO Christmas.  He got a Color Game Boy and games for that, a remote control car, and a Walkman radio.  He was quite excited to have a Walkman, and had to put that on right away after he opened it.  He insisted I attach it to his pajama bottoms, like his sister wears her's on her pants while doing dishes.  It dragged his jammies bottoms to the ground. "Guess I'll go get dressed ..." was his fix for that.  My daughter also got a Color Game Boy plus a new CD Walkman, and after the morning carnage of opening presents was over, and I had done morning dishes and walked out into the living room, there they sat sprawled out on the couch, all 'plugged' in.  Headphones on, listening to their radio/CD player respectively, mumbling to themselves about the video games they were playing.  Since they couldn't hear themselves, due to the headphones, they were a bit loud, and it sort of sounded like an mental institution before med time, all the verbal comments flying about that didn't make much sense to the "non gamer" in the room.  I took a picture.

My youngest also got a "Get Wet Bubba" or whatever.  You know, that talking Southern Bear ... and if you pull his finger ... well, DON'T pull his finger!  They took a nice warm bath last night to break in Bubba, and Bubba senses he's in the water and starts a whole new set of sayings concerning water that were not heard before. "Mom, MOM! COME HERE!  He farted and then blamed it on a tug boat! (massive amounts of giggles.)"  Grand fun for a six year old, mind you, but Momma was glad when Bubba was put up to dry out!  He also got his 'smart' Buzz Light Year Doll and that was a hoot.  He cried in the morning because it stopped working after only three orbits around the living room. Took his older brother to figure out that there was a tiny off and on switch in the back, and it had been turned to off.  (Now why couldn't I find that damned button when I was wrapping him that one night?  Geez!)

Well, I am off to get ready for work.  This is the big week for us ... the Y2K week.  We have to work the 31st and the 1st to assure that data is as data does, and we don't think we are back to the turn of the old century as opposed to the new one.  Actually, to be honest, my MAIN concern about the New Year is ... how long will it be before I stop writing '1999' on my checks?

12/31/99- It does not seem right to leave this century without an entry into this diary.  I started this diary to vent and voice my thoughts.  It was mainly therapy for me, and it has served it's purpose well.  Life in itself, has been very amazing for me the last year, let alone my last 39 years.  I take this moment to Thank the Lord for my Life - that I am blessed to cry over marching bands and feel the emotions I do feel with such deep intensity.   I have learned so much in the last five years alone that it makes me almost sick to my stomach!   It is overwhelming. And to think up until the day I die, I will be learning like this!  Way to cool to fathom.  I am also amazed at all the people I've been so blessed to meet through my life.  I thank those who taught me lessons in a patient subtle way.  I wish Gary, George, my Mom and Vera were here to share this new year with me.  Those who I have 'lost' due to personal and/or personality differences, I do not take your gifts for granted.  I hold all the kindred souls I've met over the years dear to my heart.  And, I wish the most wonderful New Year to all my friends - may you seize life by the lower extremities with gusto, and arise go forth and conquer!   Happy 2000!