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January 2,
2019 - Ah, a New Year!
Viva the feeble attempt by Humans to keep
track of the passage of time when in reality
time means NOTHING.
(Someone needed to say it...)
Yesterday I took down Christmas decorations and yesterday Dolly decided to leak. The incision under my arm drained for about half the day. Kudos. Keep that crap coming out. I don't know who put all that stuff in me, but I don't mind it draining out so I look absolutely adorable with six pounds of gauze jutting out from under my arm pit. A new fashion trend? Possibly... I am 'angry' today but not angry at Dolly or Cancer or you or Life or anything in general. (OK, so I know why I am mad. I am dealing with the issue. I am dealing with it poorly, however, so there will no doubt be more angry days to come. I can't WAIT to start hormone therapy where I bet my normal mild manner joyous self goes ballistic and postal and I will most likely register to carry...) Being human causes anger sometimes. January 3, 2019 - I did something I normally do not do last night...I prayed for an answer to (the cause of) my anger. I am not one to beg God for things. I thank Him on a regular basis for my family, my home, food to eat, a good job...etc. I do not ASK Him for things, though. It is not His fault I have cancer. It is not His fault I'm fat. It is not His fault I have a beard. It is not His fault my bladder is a hair trigger loose cannon (although I do want to speak to Him someday about the design on that one...). I do appreciate the fact people have been praying for my cancer issue. This warms my heart. I, however, have found it almost impossible to ask the Powers that Be for anything most of my life. When I was small I thought of how selfish that was - so outright selfish to ask Him to prevent tornadoes or stop tsunamis or prevent human stupidity. None of those things are HIS FAULT. I, however, was at the end of my rope last night and had a frank and open discussion with Him on my current metal situation... This morning I woke up and was in quite the daze. Morning daze - we all have those few moments in the morning where sometimes we're not sure of where we are or who we are or where the bathroom is... After I did locate the bathroom and sat there for a bit, it dawned on my there was a message waiting in the 'in box' of my brain. My prayer begging was answered! It was plain as the toilet paper in my hand all along! What was I thinking? Why didn't I see these facts for myself prior to this a.m.??? It was so OBVIOUS yet all this time I missed the point!! It wasn't just ANGER I was dealing with, either - it was utter sadness, but there in my brain was the answer to all of it. Wow. Just ... Wow. I think just discussing the issue with the Higher Powers helped. Discussing life with the Universe is a form of self therapy and it is a beneficial thing. It allows your brain to review the situation and make notes for future releases of itself. Apparently my 'fix' was worked into last night's self updates... January 4, 2019 - We've had our old washing machine since 2004. She was a good old girl. She now sits with the rest of the crap we've discarded that is too big to fit into the Herby Curby, out behind the walk of sheds. Country living at its best, boy howdy. We just need to throw an old pick up truck out there and a broken down combine and we'll be totally styling! Getting used to a new washer is rather a complex situation for an older woman. The one now lying in state behind the sheds was cut and dry and you didn't have to sacrifice a goat and decipher algorithms to get a load of wash done. The new one, however, is from another planet and required a full user manual reading to know how to operate the thing. Even after doing that, I failed miserably on a load of towels. I did not pick "bulky" and I really should have apparently. It was off balance to beat the band and since the lid LOCKS on you, you can't just open it and rearrange the load. I finally treated it like a computer - unplugged it and counted to 60 and plugged her back in to 'reboot' her and was finally able to figure out the error of my ways. The drum inside floats on four cables hanging from the lid and if you are doing a bulky load, you had damned well better tell it you are doing a bulky load... January 7, 2019 - I had one more Dolly explosion on Friday, but I think that will be it. It felt like the final drain. I will take this. Dolly almost feels normal (except that when I touch her I perceive that it feels like leather, but that is from the nerve damage from the surgery). Thursday is the Cancer Center meeting. I do so hope with all my heart they tell me radiation will not be needed, but you know that won't be the case. They will say that it will be necessary (because otherwise how would they make their money?) and I do not look forward to that. If I think she feels like leather now - ugh. At least I know I will NOT need chemo, so I will shut up and be blessed by that fact. However, any radiation causes cancer, so isn't this all a big Catch 22? I am fighting it in my head because those big machines give me claustrophobia. Many of my friends have been through it and say it is a 'breeze' of sorts. My family doctor prescribed me some calming drug so I could take one before each session. I have all this anxiety about a machine that I could easily just UNPLUG and reboot at any given moment. Duh. Don't fear the machine, Sandy... January 12, 2019 - The visit to the Cancer Center was actually stress free (once I got there) on Thursday. I worked from home until it was time to go there. People were so upbeat. Even the patients in the waiting rooms were upbeat. There was a therapy dog being walked around. (I believe this was that dogs maiden visit as a therapy dog because he had to leave after reacting in the elevator...poor dude.) I talked to the oncologist first. She was in and out in 15 minutes. Bam. She examined Dolly. When they took my blood pressure, it was 128 over 80! Damned near textbook. She told me what kind of calcium to buy and vitamin D. She will schedule me for a bone density test prior to my hormone therapy. Hormone therapy comes after radiation. Hormones help keep your bones strong, and I will be taking drugs to block those things. (Seriously, out of all the stuff with the whole cancer circus, taking hormone blockers kind of scares me the most...) We had to go to the waiting room as my next appointment was an hour away. People in the room were so social and kind. My stomach was growling loudly. "My friend Ron said there may be a cookie cart that comes around..." I said out loud. The girls doing reception said that normally there is - but where it was, no one knew. The volunteer guard at the front of the building even heard me asking and came in and asked if I wanted him to go find me cookies? How SWEET! One of the people waiting for her visit suggest I rummage through the drawers under the coffee center. "Sometimes there is something in there..." All I found was apple juice, napkins and ketchup. Smile. My stomach continued to growl like a rabid dog with a megaphone. A minute later one of the receptionist popped out with rice krispy treats and crackers. "Here, we don't know where the cookie cart is but we have plenty back in our break room!" She shared the goodies with the people near us and I grabbed the cheese crackers. That shut my stomach up at least. They also said they were trying to get me in sooner to my radiologist. Seriously - sweet people and positive attitudes all around. After about a 45 minute wait, I got to meet the radiologist. I loved his medical assistant nurse. I made her laugh and she hugged me and said, "You and I are going to get along JUST FINE..." which translated to "We are both older perverted women and I like that" - smile. They went over in detail what would happen and how it might affect me. They give you tons of information to read when you go home but they pretty much covered it all during the visit. He also examined Dolly, and mentioned that I would have to clear up my seromas before we could begin radiation. I still have places in my breast and under my arm that NEED TO DRAIN! He told me how to work on this. Massage lotion into Dolly and work her over good. Heat packs... He wants me to reduce the bubbles of liquid. "You are lucky that your cancer was caught so early and you tested so clean. This gives us some time to work on getting rid of the seromas before radiation. They tend to interfere with the radiation / healing process." So I have until January 31st to work on Dolly's attitude. That is my scheduled "Simulation" day. That is the day they will scan me, decide how they will hit me with the radiation and tattoo the line up dots one Dolly for zapping purposes. That visit will be an hour or so, but once they come up with my schedule he said it was walk in, get zapped, walk out. I will have this done five days a week for four weeks. They went over the things that may happen during and after radiation. Those thing I am not looking forward to, but I've not heard anything "horrid" from friends who have gone through this themselves. "You will get tired!" is about the biggest common complaint. The paperwork notes that you should 'buy ahead' before radiation so you have easy meals to prepare. I won't feel like doing much as the process goes on... The next day after this over view, I went back to work. I offered all the guys at work the opportunity to assist me in Dolly therapy. Oddly, no one has taken me up on my offer.... Friday was the 40th Anniversary date of my first supervisor there. It was an emotional day for me. I met Rod 40 years ago as an 18 year old girl looking for work for the summer before going off to college. He has a huge place in my heart. Maybe memories came flooding back at his party. I tried to tell him how I felt and cried. Duh. He said, "I know you love me!" We also lost power right at the time Rod's party started. BAM. (When a noisy factory suddenly goes quite, it is almost a loud noise in itself.) "When Rod has an Anniversary, we blow the power out!" was the general conversation. Not having power didn't stop the cake and donuts from being passed about, however. I WANTED COFFEE. You only want coffee if you can't have coffee, I've decided. You mostly don't want things until you don't have things, which makes complete sense... After leaving Rod's party I drove over to my favorite diner to see if they still had some coffee in their pots. Nope, it was cleaned out by people who thought faster than I did. I went back to work and was complaining about lack of power and no coffee. The network engineer said, "Well, duh - we do have the only powered area in the whole building in a situation like this..." and hooked up the coffee pot for me with a long extension cord from the server room. Hahahaha. Apparently after my emotional meeting with Rod, I lost half my brain cells. As the day went on I decided I was going to go get the network boys some pizza. I left to go order at a place that did have power. I brought back pizza and the network guys were gone. I do not know where they went. I had all this pizza and no one to eat it. This made me sad (more sad, I should say) and I ended up giving it all away to the program managers and my boss and the CEO. They ate it all up. I ate three pieces myself. I have not eaten pizza like that in a long long time. It made me feel worse. I never found the network guys... Friday was the first appointment with a new therapist. (I had decided at the beginning of the week I needed someone who could help me sort through my head since I was not having luck sorting things out on my own, praying or not.) I contacted this person and explained that I needed to just talk for a while. JUST TALK and hear myself. About a half hour before my appointment, I started crying. I cried on the way to the appointment. I met her - crying. "As you can see, I'm crying...do you have Kleenex..." That was her first impression of me. A babbling old woman on the brink of insanity. (One must start somewhere I suppose.) So for 45 minutes I just talked. The first half was spent crying but then just talking I realized a few things on my own. Some of these things made me quiet right down, tear wise, since they answered things that were bothering me. I did however continue to babble about other things and I made that woman earn her money. At the end of the session she explained her method of dealing with the brain and I came home and researched that method. Seems odd, but I'm willing to try. I need help at this point in my life. I won't look a gift horse in the mouth... Wish me luck. There comes a time we all need to throw in the towel and go for support. I am off to soak Dolly in a hot bath. Needing to break up the fluid balls in her gives me more than enough reasons to use up all my cool bath bombs from Christmas. This is therapy I can enjoy. Smile. January 14, 2019 - We had a bit of snow Friday night into Saturday and on Saturday morning you could see tons of burrow tracks where the wee mice were looking for food. Very stealth of them to stay under cover. The tracks went through the yard by the house, emanating from the sheds with most ending up under the bird feeders. My first thought was, "Why do we pay Rocko the Cat anyway if we have so many mice?" (Rocko will bring us a mouse from time to time, but that is seldom and normally in warm weather. Rocko still goes out when it is cold but I am sure he limits his activities to pooping in the tented 'shed' and getting in my kitchen window and pawing it until you can't see out of it due to the muddy paw prints. Rocko is a natural born city kitty and if he wanted a mouse he would just call Grub Hub.) I have been reviewing and re-posting old diary years in the Archive section. I have 1999, 2000, and 2001 out there so far. As I re-read these things I am touched by the memories of my kids being so much younger and I also laugh loudly at some of my postings. After going over 2001 I read I had my first mammogram. I have been being radiated once a year for 17 years in search of breast demons. I was going to skip last year since I have had nothing but good results. Had it not been for Laura's Birthday in October, I would not have gone until later this year. I think it is kind of freaky how it all went down. I also wonder if 17 years of mammograms caused the cancer in the first place? No, probably not. It is my evil, nymphonic hormones that did this to me. (I think I just made up a new word... My new word is Nymphonic - the passion for life that spills out of you all over everyone else around you even when they didn't want you to ooze all over them in the first place...) January 16, 2019 - I am ever so glad alarm clocks with snooze alarms cannot hit us back.... I snagged an appointment with my new therapist for tonight. I couldn't wait for my next scheduled appointment on the 25th. I have a list of demands (or is that demons?) to conquer in my mind. Up Up and Away! I have emailed the lady that once did my laser removal of my beard hair. She has her own place now. I asked her if she can do that treatment on my face if I'm being radiated on my boob. She has not written back. I will have to call. A big fear right now is that when I start taking the hormone blockers, not only will by bones disintegrate but my beard will bloom like the owners of every micro brewery in the greater tri-state area. I have a pile of vitamin supplements on my desk in front of me waiting to be swallowed that harkens back to the day in the late 70s when my BFF and I cleaned a friends apartment only to discover one of the said friends was a drug dealer. (The amount of pills we found on his dresser was unreal!) I have to start taking some new ones to get through radiation and hormone-blocking medicines. I worry about the calcium pills since my liver LOVES to make rocks on its own and shove them deep down into the bile duct to block it and cause me much pain. Cross yer fingers my liver behaves in a manner suitable for my existence. I got a lot of loose ends tied up at work yesterday and that felt GOOD. Normally I have music in the background for 'white' noise when I focus like that, but I have to be careful lately what music I listen to since it will trigger tears or too many inner emotions. I picked an old album by Barry Manilow for my 'work' music. Barry is pretty harmless, I thought. Then the song "Sandra" came on...and as I listened to the words I remembered the song from the mid seventies on my record player but couldn't identify with it then. Now I can. Ugh. I skipped that song. Barry is not always as harmless and Barry seems...(For those of you who know this song, fear not - I am NOT suicidal!!) I have been working diligently on reducing the liquid balls in Dolly. (Seroma - is the name of the liquid in there...) I have taken a hot bath every night and soaked her and I massage the heck out her a lot and ask for volunteers to do the same thing. (I am not one to pass up playing with my own breasts!) I want to break it down so I can get radiation over with without having one of those suckers get caught in the cross file and boil and blow out my nipple. Smile. I emailed my surgeon about maybe sucking the liquid out with a needle as can be done but I've yet to hear from her. Until then I will rough Dolly up like the hussy she is... January 17, 2019 - I was watching a newer 'How the Universe Works' last night. (It is one of my most favorite shows to watch before bed and Mike Rowe's voice is like a warm blanket and a hot cup of cocoa.) The show was about supernovas and Dr. Michelle Thraller was talking about looking at the Orion constellation in the winter months when it is so clear to us in the Northern states and she will always tell Betelgeuse, "EXPLODE!" This made me laugh hard. I do that too! Betelgeuse is near the end of its life and WILL go supernova. I just want to be one of the ones that see it happen. Glad I'm not the only one out there encouraging red super giants to commit suicide. Second therapy session went pretty good. I feel very comfortable with this new lady. She has a big project ahead to 'fix' me. (Please note, no human is fixable. Every human on Earth at this time and in the past has mental issues of some kind. It is up to the individual to either just deal with their issues or throw in the towel and help. I chose 'get help'.) I am ever so glad she's local and I don't have to drive to BFE to see her. I am paying out of pocket, so I am going to suck the most from these session to get every cent worth. Smile. I heard back from my cancer surgeon and they like the seroma to resolve "on its own" so there is not the chance of introducing the risk of infection by poking needles into the thing. This makes sense. I suppose for now until the 31st I will continue the hot epson salt and bath bomb boob soaks (say that three time fast) and the man-handling of Dolly afterwards as well as throughout the day. (I'm still taking volunteers to assist in this project...)  Jake the Dog has learned a handy trick - he now knows if he goes outside and 'disappears' for over five minutes he gets a 'cookie' as a treat. Every time he goes outside now he goes off on a wee walkabout and comes back excited. I have created a monster. I know he can't be pooping THAT MUCH! He can't fool me, but I created this issue so I will follow through. Pavlov's theory of a hungry dog and gullible owners...  January
21, 2019 - Saturday night I did my
first Wine and Canvas event. (To be honest, I
saw no one with a glass of wine...I had a
Miller Lite.) I miss playing at art things. I will
get my buttocks in gear and start doing this
more. I used my left hand as a surface to mix
my paint, so my left hand was a covered, as
well as my hair and my pants. Now that's how
you get in to your painting! I had a blast. I
would do this event again if I liked the
subject matter to be painted. At the end, the
instructor takes a group picture with all of
our 'masterpieces' but I convinced them the
first picture they all had to hold up their
paper plates where we mixed colors (instead of
our pictures - which I found hysterical) and
then he took a real picture with our, well -
real pictures. The Weather Channel says it is current negative 12 degrees where I live. I would have to agree with them. Burrrrr. My BFF in North Carolina sent me a message last night that their forecast was for negative 15 for wind chills last night. Burrrrrrrrrrrr. Time to get out our flannel underwear! I have been diligently working on getting my boob fluid reduced for January 31st. I want to get the radiation over with and move on with my life. I want this OUT OF THE WAY. If it takes hours of playing with my own boob, so be it. We went to dinner on Friday night with our neighbors. I had such a hoot. My husband was tired by the end of it all since I had dragged him out to be social with my high school group of friends the night before. He doesn't do 'social' too well. He will learn. I can't wait to do it again. I am in love with a local place that has covered their outdoor deck with tarp like things for the winter and now have a fire pit out there. It was cold, but I love it out in the 'deck' area. I was the only one sitting out there without my coat. I am self heating. Something about a fire appeals to me. (Note to self... ask therapist about possible pyromania tendencies...) I meant to mention that when I went to the Cancer Center for the first time, they weigh and measure you and they said I was 5' 4" tall. Mind you, I've been under the assumption from my family doctor's office that I had shrunk an inch over the years and was 5' 3" tall now. Since I so desperately want to believe my spine has not compacted an inch over all, I will believe the Cancer Center's reading. I know we shrink as we age but I am not ready to admit to it... January 24, 2019 - We are going out again Friday night with our neighbors to see a performer at the same place. As I mentioned, it is a covered deck and it is cold and it is supposed to be negative 6200 degrees on Friday, but I can't wait. It was so icy the other day getting home from work took FOREVER. I live four miles from work... it took 25 minutes. Sigh. You can definitely tell who has balding tires when there is so much ice on the road. Those poor people. At least the ice did not bring down the power. The people sliding into and knocking over power poles brought down the power... Then it warmed up and rained and now it is cooling down again and we should get some lake effect snow. (I think Mother Nature needs therapy as much as I do!) One week from today is my simulation for radiation and after that my bone density scan. My oh My, I'm having some fun now. I have worked very hard to rid Dolly of her fluid build up so I can get my glow on... Our gas bill just from the water heater for all the hot baths I've taken will probably be in the six digit range. I have massaged her and smacked her around. I just want to start the radiation to get it over with so I can move on to the next big life event (like liver failure or a heart attack). I have a play list on Spotify that I've been playing at work - it's called my FYOU play list. It seems to help me - a soundtrack for my day. (It is more angry music of sorts, but each song expresses some angst I've been feeling and helps me handle something in my head.) I try not to play it TOO loud but I was told once by my next door office mate to maybe turn it down a smidge. Smile. January 27, 2019 - Speaking of my play list - I had an epiphany at my therapy session... Some of the songs I felt I was directing at certain things really apply to ME. Ouch. One of the songs is a Ben Fold's song called, "Learn to Live With What You Are" and boy howdy, I slapped my self in the face thinking of the words and how I am feeling lately and all. Not only do other people need to learn to live with what they are, I DO. Man, this whole therapy crap is harder than I anticipated and it is just starting. Ugh. I feel bad for my therapist because I am thinking she doesn't know what to do with me... How can she know when I DON'T KNOW what to do with me? (Kids, don't wait 58 years to try to sort out your brain - it is ever so hard when you do...) On the way home after therapy on Friday night, I pulled in to the gas station, took out my keys, got my credit card out of my purse and filled up my tank. Then, I went to get my keys and couldn't find them. I looked in my purse. Not there. I looked on the floor. Not there. I looked in my pockets and in my cleavage and in the middle compartment thingy and in my work bag and I LOOKED ALL OVER. No Keys. I looked in my purse AGAIN and then looked outside on the ground. No Keys. Seriously, I was beside myself. I JUST TOOK THEM OUT OF THE IGNITION. WHERE THE HECK WERE THEY?? I was getting a bit flustered. I sat in the driver's seat and attempted to calm down a bit. "Where did you put them Sandy?" I asked myself. "You were so deep in thought coming from the therapist that you made you keys disappear into thin air with the power of your mind, maybe?" I had no answer for myself. I once again looked in my purse - I had been through it SEVERAL TIMES. I went through it one more time. When I grabbed my purse, right there on top of my wallet WAS MY KEYS. "What the hell?" I literally screamed. I picked them up. I looked at them. Yep, there they were. I started the car and went home. All the while I was thinking, "Was there a purpose I could not find my keys? Did this delay me from some tragic accident?" (Easier for me to think I was being protected by The Powers That Be than to think I just maybe was so stupid I didn't see them the first few times I searched my purse...) Friday night we went out with Sue and Ron and personally I had a hoot. The performer at the place we went was marvelous. I enjoyed it so much. It was very cold out on the 'deck' part of the place, but it was just so much fun. I adore live music and excessive beer consumption. Yesterday was spent recovering from Friday Night. I did very little but sleep and drink water. Today has been a busy day sorting things out of the two old dressers we had in the bedroom. My husband assembled a new, improved dresser last night and this morning. We're getting a new bed on Wednesday and decided we needed to sort things out in the bedroom in preparation for said new bed. I still have a butt load of things to squirrel away upstairs yet. We have burned the two old dressers. They were ready to meet their Maker. I cannot believe how much stuff one can accumulate over the years. I had socks in my drawers that I would never, EVER wear EVER again. Those went bye bye. There were T-Shirts shirts older than my kids. Those went bye bye. My husband is a sock hoarder (really, it's a problem) and we got rid of a ton of his old, old crappy socks. If any of the clothes were usable by another human I would have donated them, but I wouldn't wish the things we tossed on any human. This upcoming Thursday is my Simulation at the Cancer Center where they figure out how to make me glow with radiation. I hope my seroma is cleared up enough where they can start this party so I can get it over with. They said the wait to clear up my internal bags of liquid was OK since my risk of re-occurrence was so low. No, the wait is NOT OK. I want this whole thing over. I want to move past this. I want to get radiated, feel crappy for a while, and carry on!! I want the idea of cancer to go away. Ugh. Rocko the Cat has been bouncing off the walls with all the moving and changing we've been doing. He is not quite sure what to think of all of it. I just gave him a paper bag to play in...he was having a hoot playing in all the old drawers to the dressers until I hauled them out to burn them. Now he seems pissed that I took his play jungle. The paper bag only amused him for approximately 6.2 seconds. He is currently on top of the new dresser inside a plastic bag that has glue on it from the assembly of the dresser. I have a sticky cat. Ugh. February 1, 2019 - Happy New Month. I will update you on the last few days of my exciting life. I'm sure you are all chomping at the bit. The other night I got a call from work for support at about 8:30 at night. This is not uncommon, but I was sort of dozing in my chair when the call came in. I picked up the TV controller that was right next to me on my desk and pushed a button and held it to my ear and said, "Hello?" Just thinking of this has me laughing loudly. (I used to have my own handset phone near me on my desk. Over Christmas after talking to my BFF on Christmas Eve, that handset came up missing.) I no longer have my own phone device near me, but I was tired enough to think I did. I grabbed the REAL phone right away and couldn't stop laughing when I did answer the call. I felt bad for the person on the other end. I tried to explain what I just did. I hope they saw the humor in it. It still makes me guffaw. (After that happened, I immediately got on line and ordered myself a replacement handset for my desk. I know you can talk to your Xfinity controller with voice commands but I took it to a whole new level...) Thursday was my simulation visit. I saw my Radiation Oncology doctor first. He walked in and just looked at my boob and said, "It doesn't look so red anymore." I told him, "I've worked for several week to get rid of my seroma. I have taken searing hot baths and massaged it like a loaf of rising bread. YOU WILL FEEL IT NOW!!" This made him laugh but he did check Dolly. There is still a small amount of SOMETHING in there and I informed him I was sure it was scar tissue. He didn't agree, saying it might still be a small amount of liquid, but when you are feeling up an old woman's boob after she demanded it, who was he to argue with me? He gave me the 'all clear' to go ahead with the simulation. I told him those MRI machines kind of make me panic. He said it was pretty open and all would be well. (I did take a Klonopin before I went in. I am glad I did.) The girls in the room where they scope you out were so nice. They explained everything very thoroughly. They lay you out and explain exactly what will happen and what noises you'll hear and what lights you will see. You can't move during the process so they put a large rubber band around your feet so you don't move those and your arms are in a form that holds them tight above your head. You hold on to two poles directly over your head. The goal was NOT TO MOVE. (They kept stressing that.) They stuck stickers all over my breast and nipple and chest. They put a 'grid' like line around Dolly. After I had all those stickers and grids stuck to my chest the doctor came in and gave the techs his blessing and left. I decided the only way I was going to survive the ordeal without freaking out was to just close my eyes. They lifted me up and put me in and out of the machine so I could feel what it would be like. Then we practiced holding my breath. (You have to hold your breath for 25 seconds so they can scan your chest and see where your heart and lungs go - they do NOT want to radiate those. Taking a deep breath pushes your heart aside and moves your lungs away from the zapping area. I saw all this on the scan pictures afterwards. Very interesting to watch.) After the practicing the 'not breathing' part, they did a test run in the machine. I did OK. When I thought I couldn't hold my breath any longer, she said, "You're doing good Sandy. You are half way though!" So I held my breath longer. They brought me back out. They turned on very bright laser like lights on the ceiling pointing down onto my chest and asked if I was ready for the 'real scan' and I said yes. Mind you, I did NOT open my eyes for any of this. I had to pretend I wasn't in that machine. The told me to take a deep breath and hold it whenever I was ready and once I did I started into the machine. The whiling noise was almost calming, actually. I like the sound of a fan when I sleep - the white noise - so I pretended that is what that noise was. Once again I thought I couldn't hold my breath any longer and once again she said, "Your almost done!" During all this and with my eyes closed, I could see many tiny blue and purple and red "dots" on my eyelids. I assume this was the scanning xray part. It was very pretty to be honest. After that scan was done they did one more, and then they put tattoo marks on various spots for the techs to line up the radiation blasting device. They took off all the stickers and I asked to see the MRI scans. They took me back behind the curtain where the controls were (leaded curtain I'm sure) and showed me the whole scan process. Very cool Who knew your lungs and heart moved so much when you took deep breaths? She pointed to where they will radiate me when that stars on February 11th. I got my schedule before I left. Every day for 20 days... The doctor came in for one final visit and told me I did "such a great job." He was fussing like I was three years old and drew a cool puppy picture or something so I asked him, "Where's my sucker?" He told me he would get me suckers for next time. Smile. After that I had an hour to kill before I had my bone density test at the hospital. I drove the long way there and ate lunch in the cafe at the hospital. The bone density test was over in a matter of ten minutes. The test results were in my inbox by the time I got home. Guess what? (And I quote) "I AM NORMAL" they results said. My bones are NORMAL. I don't hear the word 'NORMAL' associated with "SANDY" often if ever. Most of this week I have felt 'blah' and felt like I had to give in and up to whatever my life is - as it is. The fire I had in my belly last week to overcome things and change things was gone. I felt like all that was, IS. I had no right to be angry. I had no right to be lonely. I had no right to be sad. I had no right to feel pushed aside and ignored. I have...nothing. (That is how it felt.) Today was therapy and that is exactly what I told her when I walked in. "Meh" - I felt 'meh' - nothing mattered. By the end of the session of me just going on and on, I felt much better. I didn't feel so 'blah' any more. Some of my 'fire' returned. This was a good thing. Feeling 'meh' is like just giving up and I decided while babbling to her today I was not ready to give up just quite yet... This week was COLD. Negative 45 degree windchill and negative 16 temperature wise. I kept the bathtub cold water running so the pipes wouldn't freeze. Today felt like being in Florida since it was up to a whole 16 degrees ABOVE zero. It is supposed to get up to 48 degrees on Monday and 
rain. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE MESS with
rain and all this snow on the
ground? Should be interesting.
Flooding and mudslides, oh my. February 3, 2019 - I got myself three new bird feeders yesterday. We had breakfast at my favorite diner the went across the street to the hardware store. My husband was looking for elbows and sealant and such for redoing the pipes that go to the laundry room so they do not freeze again and I was left on my own to browse. Browsing cost me 45 dollars in new bird feeders and solar ducks (I bought three). I should not be left alone when yard stuff or solar dancing ducks are in the room. Deer had pretty much trashed the former bird feeders. I caught one the other night when it was so cold bashing the feeders with its head to get seed out. Clever of them. I cannot hold a grudge, however. It was -45 wind chill and they were hungry. Now they have new feeders to bust up. The amount of animal tracks through the yard is phenomenal! Every type of bird, deer, rabbit, and who knows WHAT else have been to the feeders. It has gone from sub freezing to 40 degrees. I bet you cannot guess what the yard and drive way looks is like, can you? Hahahaha. Oh my. I should go make a large, slushy snowman. Now's my chance when it is fairly warm. I would, however, be drenched head to toe with the wetness of said snow and that just wouldn't be pretty. February 6, 2019 - I have a terrible confession to make. I am not proud about it, but it is just the way it is... I cannot sit with my legs together. I believed I discovered this at the age of 16 or so. Sitting like a lady in a dress is damned near impossible for me, so I do not wear dresses where I would have to sit in public. It is one of my many banes in life. I have always sat like a cowboy with hemorrhoids who rode hard all day and night without stopping. Sigh. I can cross my legs with no issue. I have very strong legs for my age, but I cannot bring my knees together for more than a minute - even if someone had a gun pointed at my head. Phew, felt good to get that off my chest. We didn't have garbage pick up last week due to the storm. The poor garbage man will sure have a load tomorrow if not just from our Herby Curby then from all of the delayed pick ups. I even don't think our junk will fall out when they use the automated arm since it is packed in the Herby so tightly. Our new Sleep Number bed was delivered this afternoon. It is not as tall as our old bed was (which made Jake the dog ever so happy. He's getting older and there are many nights he couldn't make the leap into bed with us and I'd have to get out and lift him on the bed.) I spent a half hour playing with the settings to decide to start at 95. I like a firm mattress. The bed talks to its manufacturer to let them know if I am sleeping or not. I'm sure this can be used as a tracking device for house break-ins and black mail if the bed sends back recorded conversations. When the bed reports our total weight with Jake in bed with us, I'm sure a Jenny Craig van with ambulance lights will be pulling up to the front door by morning... I got the new bed for reasons... those that know me well know why. We'll see how it goes. Stay tuned for "Sandy got a bed smarter than she is and will probably end up being arrested by the FBI by April so put aside bail money now..." I have my next therapist session tomorrow night. I moved it up a day since I may or may not spend the night in a hotel Friday soaking in bath bombs for hours until my skin falls off. Radiation starts Monday and I doubt once Dolly starts to react to the nuclear bombardment that I will be able to soak in a my precious hot bath tub to relax. My goal is to use up all of my remaining bath bombs in one night. I need to go look for a place with a tub with jets....and unlimited hot water. February 7, 2019 - No Jenny Craig emergency vehicle in the drive way this morning. That is good. However, it will take a while to zero in on the settings for the new bed. I need a name for that damned bed. Seeing as it knows that it took my three hours to fall asleep last night, I feel I should give the bed a name so I can talk to it to help me relax. I don't want to sleep with anything where I can't address it properly. Let's see, my Cancer Boob is Dolly, the Cancer itself was Spanky... I am taking suggestions for this new high tech bed's name. I have the app on my phone to control my bed so when I originally got in bed and it felt 'wrong' I went and got my phone and changed the setting. Mind you, I did not have Bluetooth on and I forgot that it needs that to control the bed's controller. So I thought I set it down to 85 but it did nothing. (I don't trust Bluetooth being on all the time. It is too hack-able and I only have it on when in my car and on a longer trip so it will call 911 if I hit an otter or something.) So I have a new goal this weekend - see if I can make Sleep Number personally call me out of concern over my sleep habits. This will be fun. February 10, 2019 - The new bed is still very entertaining. (It thinks my husband never gets out of bed because Jake the dog also enjoys the Sleep Number bed during the day. Jake likes my husband's side.) My side shows that I'm a consistent 1:30 a.m. urinate-er. If anything, I am loyal and consistent... I still take a while to fall asleep, however. Thursday, I was trying to explain my thoughts on the male perspective on life versus a female's perspective when it comes to falling asleep and on life in general. I made a fist with a tiny hole and looked at her through it and said, "This is the male viewpoint on life..." and them I took my two hands and cupped them with a large gap and looked at her and said, "This is the female's perspective...WAIT, I JUST REALIZED I'M LOOKING THROUGH A VAGINA!!" We both laughed quite hard. She said that it was rather accurate, however. Genetically men can compartmentalize things where as with females - we have a broader more chaotic view on what goes on around us. Still, it was funny when it hit me... Tomorrow starts the fun of radiation. Stay tuned. I'm sure I will complain and bitch an moan, and who DOESN'T want to read about that stuff? I went and got bright green highlights in my hair in celebration for the radiation event. I am not a fan of the color pink, but I needed to do something weird to a part of myself to indicate the struggle. I am glad I picked my hair. Marissa took a lot of hair off, too - and my hair feels light and happy on my head. Now if any female asks me about my green hair, I can tell them about my situation and lecture them on the importance of mammograms. Dialogue / Communication is a good thing. If any male comments on my green hair - THROAT PUNCH. Today my Mom would have been 97 years old. (There has always been an ice storm on or around her birthday so I am just waiting for that event. They got one up North last week - now it should be our turn.) I miss her. I miss the thought of her... I no longer pick up the phone to call her anymore like I did for a decade after she died, but I still miss her. I didn't spend the night in a hotel on Friday to soak until my skin fell off. I couldn't find a nice place near here with a good tub. Sigh. There is a place in Chicago where you can rent a room with a hot tub and a pool (a real pool) and a sauna and such for $300.00 a night. I didn't feel like driving that far for a good soak, but I might treat myself and my daughter to that after I recover from radiation.  February
13, 2019 - I adore the funny
memes you find on Facebook and the
interweb. The ones that make me laugh
out loud I save. I have a feeling that
the poster boards for pictures at my funeral
will be full of those memes as opposed
to my pictures. Good. People should
always find humor in life and death if
possible - it is important. I will
post one here that made me chortle
loudly.The weather has been a challenge to my first week of radiation. I will not be deterred. You can throw any kind of weather you want at me, and I'm going!! (I just said this as I shook my fist at Mother Nature.) It is almost exactly an hour of time to go up to the Cancer Center, undress, plop on the table, get my dose of radiation, get dressed and go back to work. A perfect lunch hour, wouldn't you say? Poor Jake - I normally go home and let him out but now he's been holding it in until my husband comes home. I've upset the poor doggies routine. The ice from the ice storm was making the world sound like rice krispies in a bowl of milk yesterday. On the way home from work, the ice was falling off the trees and it also sounded quite - um.... war zone-ish. Rapid fire machine gun sounds sort of... My boss warned me that ice was coming off the trees so be careful. He was NOT kidding. Pow, Pow pow pow pow. When I went up for radiation I got hit twice by box trucks where the top of the truck lost its sheet of ice on top. That was also kind of cool - VERY PRETTY. (Sure, as long as it is not deadly, it's cool!) My friend Kathy introduced me to meditation. It has been a blessing to my cluttered mind, I must say. I use the technique to relax on the table for radiation. When you get on the table and get your arms up over your head and hold on to the 'motorcycle' handles and they rubber band your feet together (so you don't move) then you are supposed to just STAY THERE and they will adjust you to the place they want you. They tug at the blanket under you until they line up the small tattooed dots on your boobs exactly where they want them. That makes me giggle. I asked them if they were going to do the 'table cloth' trick. They assured me they would not do that. I have been quite gassy the last few days and I was worried that any mass emission from me would cause the beam to deflect and hit me in the eye or heart or the person in the next room. They assured me it would not cause the radiation beam to bounce around but they've not seen nuttin' yet - I've had cravings for cauliflower and broccoli in the worst way. There is no better way to impress your radiation team than to fart when you get up off the table, either. Hahahahah. Maybe that will be my super power I get from being exposed to radiation - Jet Propulsion!! I've DREAMED of being a team member for NASA's JPL!! According to the Spy Bed (my new Sleep Number bed) I got 7 hours of RESTFUL SLEEP LAST NIGHT!! Woot. Wow. I've not done that in ages. I don't mind the bed 'phoning home' when I get to see this information and when it shows me that I not once had to pee! (Oh, I'm sure I had to pee a lot actually, as I had several dreams about rivers and waterfalls - like my mind was trying to get me up to pee, but I slept right through them.) I like that bed. I had BETTER like that bed, for the price. February 16, 2019 - Saturday night. So what. Another night in a long line of nights, aye? At least I am on the right side of the soil, so why complain...I am warm, sipping on a Miller Lite, and I am breathing. There is no where to go in this house to get away from the drone of the T.V. It is a very small house. THE T.V. IS ALWAYS ON. Ugh. I bought myself some noise cancelling headphones to do my meditation with but they are not totally noise cancelling. They are nice wireless headphones, nonetheless, and I have my "FYOU" play list playing on Spotify. (My son got me a year subscription for Christmas. I have been enjoying it a lot. I've heard new artists I would otherwise never have listened to - weekly they suggest new stuff to try.) If I was smart I'd go upstairs and play on my son in law's keyboard he gave to me. He showed me how to use it at Christmas. That used to be an escape for me - playing piano. I have not played in SO LONG. My radiation has been going OK. I mean, how can it not go OK? You go in, register your pager thingy that lights up, wait for your first page and go back to the dressing room and undress and robe up, then you sit there and wait for the second page, you get zapped, make small talk with the nice people at the Control panel, and go back to work. Dolly is starting to get redder, color wise. She isn't sore much yet or anything - just hints of pin prick feelings. Friday however, when I left the Cancer Center I cried all the way back to work. I went total girl. (My friend Jeff said that it is OK to be a girl from time to time seeing as I am one after all.) Just typing about Dolly makes her twinge a bit - a slight stabbing feeling. "Quit talkin' about me - I'm the one dealing with this, not you!" Sigh. The crying went on after I was back in the office and I emailed my team and told them I was going home to work. I saw a dear friend in the parking lot and he hugged me and that made me cry more. I felt better when I got home and got in my jammies and just concentrated on work. I was hiding, but from what? Well, I know what - but it is only one week into the treatment and if I go to pieces after five days and can't control my emotions, what the hell is it gonna be like the next 15? Sigh. Plus, I missed therapy this week - I wanted to see how I would react to radiation before I scheduled again. I should not have missed therapy. I've started the process of cleaning up my brain and you shouldn't stop that once you start. I now have a visit next Thursday. When you open the cork on a 58 year old pressurized brain, you let that baby spew and stand back. My heart has been reacting to the radiation. My PAC (premature atrial contractions-your heart basically is out of electrical rhythm and it mis-fires) has gotten into the game. I had a bout of it before my gall bladder had to come out and then when my liver was passing rocks. It is a good indication my heart is not happy with the radiation. Who's to blame it? It's getting practically radiated even though they radiate laterally to avoid the heart while you are holding your breath. Holding your breath moves your heart back. Sometimes radiation can cause heart issue, I've read. Oh well. I thought long and hard about doing radiation. Like my BFF and I decided - if it was my daughter with cancer we would have encouraged her to go through with the radiation to get all the bastard micro cells left over. If I would expect my kid to do it, I am going to do it! Anyway - about the heart, my first thought is to wet my finger and stick it in an outlet to reset the thing - but I over rule that thought with my random lucid moments of common sense. (However, I do believe it WOULD fix it.) I know my body well enough to know it only happens when things are not right. Radiation is not 'right' according to most books... I ate cucumbers tonight with supper and I keep burping them up. I LOVE that cucumbers taste as good in a burp as they did going down. I have an issue with foaming hand soap. Whenever I use a dispenser, I shoot that stuff all over the place. It ain't pretty. I blame my incredible strength. The Cancer Center has the kind that senses your hand movement and it never fails that I will hold my hand under there and wave and nothing happens and as soon as I pull it away it fires a spray down the wall. I've decided my purse has multiple dimensions. If you remember, I lost my keys in that thing a few weeks back when they ended up being in plain sight AFTER I had dug through it multiple times. The other day on the way up to get radiated, I was digging through it to find my chap stick. I had EVERYTHING out of that thing on my passenger seat and still no chap stick. When I pulled into the cancer center parking lot, I looked through it again and there it was, right in the pocket it was supposed to be in that I dug through several times... It is a magical purse. I wonder if when I stick my hand in it if my hand shows up in another universe and causes panic? My hand could be perceived as a confused God... The adventure of the Sleep Number continues. Today my husband decided he was taking off the two inch thick padding cover we had on the old bed that we had also put on the Sleep Number. It was an expensive pad and I didn't feel like we should just toss it. Now we are down to the actual Sleep Number mattress, which is like two inches thick. Amazing technology in that thing. To hold me up alone takes NASA technology. We'll see how it works for him...he only can take so long in bed and he sleeps the rest of the night in his chair. The whole point of spending 3000 on a damned bed was to fix sn issue, but spending 3000 fixes no issue, ever. February 20, 2019 - Today was a bad day. Radiation was bad. I kept screwing up and breathing when I shouldn't. The radiation auto stops when you do that so they don't fry your lungs or heart, but then when I messed up all I could think about was messing up. It is just holding your damned breath. My favorite radiation tech said I was 'over thinking' breathing. "You just have to relax, which I know is nigh on impossible." I do. I know for a fact if you start over thinking something you just make it worse. They had to tell me to let some breath out because I inhaled TOO much. Sigh. When I got back to work I closed my door and worked and cried and cried. I know I'm just tired and moody. It will happen. I can't stop it. Can you imagine what this is gonna be like when I start taking my hormone blockers?!?!? GOOD LORD. Sigh. My poor therapist is getting an earful tomorrow. Sigh. Only 13 more to go... And to answer my cousin's question about my heart, yes - she's stopped twerking so much. (Twerking - A good way to put it). I think just venting about it on line here helped her relax herself. My heart actually doesn't have a gender. Today she's a she. Tomorrow, who the hell knows. It still flutters once in a great while, but she's calmed down some. Dolly feels like leather when I touch her (in my mind). She really isn't feeling that way I am sure - she looks perfectly normal yet extremely radioactive red but the nerves are shot and in my mind when I touch her I 'feel' leather. That is OK. They are not in use, so it does not matter. Leather is a good thing. It's like I am Xena or something with a leather bra. Now, if I could just have Xena's body.... Everyone at work has been very supportive except the one person I need the most. That has me in a tizzy. We are all fighting our own demons so I have to let this issue go and just carry on but it is just killing me. Ugh. Maybe my heart is breaking and that is why my heart is twerking? Yep, epiphany. Nailed it. My dear friend Linda called me at work when I was at my lowest. It was all I could do not to cry on the phone. She is in Florida and she's coming back in about a week, and she will come get me and haul me away from work and make it better. I am blessed with many caring friends. I took Friday off to decompress. I will still work from home in the morning, because that is what I do - work. However, after radiation I'm coming home for a power nap and not waking up until Monday. Hiding for a while type of weekend will suit me just fine. Then the whole deal of several of my friends are going through cancer and it is much worse that I am going through and I'm feeling bad. This bother's me. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do!! Ugh. Being human sucks. There are probably many benefits of being a jelly fish... February 21, 2019 - I went to bed early and slept long and hard and I feel much better today. So far. This whole thing has been a roller coaster of emotions and physical stuff. The key is I survived the night and will go on to survive another night, no matter what happens in my poor twisted mind or boob. I have support from all sides. I am far from alone in my life and in this situation. I guess yesterday my big girl panties were just in the wash... February 22, 2019 - My therapist did not get an earful per say as more of a session of me being tired an talking about a few key things in my life. There were no epiphanies at therapy yesterday. However, I felt better afterwards just to hear myself talk and confess a thing or two that I had been thinking. (If therapist ever turn evil or go rogue - could they black mail you good. Smile.) It was more of a relaxed chat between friends type of session. It felt good. After today's radiation there is only ten more to go. I am half way through. Ta Dah. I realized yesterday I need to start putting the burn cream on Dolly before getting dressed after a zapping. They give you this RadX cream and it helps a ton. (I was glad it wasn't RidX...) I did not do that yesterday and was overheating in the car on the way into work. I think I'm the only person in the greater tri-state area that has their head hanging out the window when it is so cold outside. (I do understand why this act entices doggies, though. It is almost freeing to be panting out a window. At least there are no bugs this time of year to get stuck in my teeth.) I realized I have to give a persona to my body parts. Dolly the boob, for example. (Delilah, my other breast, would like me to mention she is feeling quite neglected and is depressed.) My cancer was named Spanky. Brian is the night guy that works in my brain at night. My liver doesn't get a name (as I perceive him more of a dark Lord type guy -"He that shall not be named"). I think I can deal with stuff more if I make the body part a some "one" I can talk to and deal with like an intelligent human. (Note to self, there are not a lot of intelligent humans. Pick another species...) I stopped meditating for a while but am back at it. It makes a world of difference. I find this amazing that quieting your mind and just 'being' can help you sort thoughts out in your head more efficiently. I doubt I'll ever be able to tap into the Akashic records reservoir but just NOT THINKING is a marvelous thing. February 24, 2019 - I took a vacation day on Friday. After radiation I went and got some groceries, took my car through the car wash, and stopped and got gas. I also wanted a HOT DOG. I had such a craving for a REAL HOTDOG since I left the Cancer Center. (You know, the kind of hotdog that you are not sure WHAT is in it but it tastes SO GOOD!!) If we've eaten hotdogs in the last ten years it has been turkey 'free-range-nitrate-free-no hormone' fake hotdogs. As tired as I felt, I knew I needed a death dog and I got one at the gas station. Just a plain bun with a hot dog. The lady at the counter asked why I didn't put anything on it. "I just need an evil hot dog. That is all I need..." She seemed to understand a girl sometimes just needs a hotdog. When I got home I was pooped out. I dozed in my chair until my husband got home. We had a pack of the healthier turkey hot dogs in the fridge. He asked if he should make supper. "Yes, Please..." I told him I got crescent rolls and to please make me pigs in a blanket. (Yeah - the hotdog theme was still strong within me...) I slept in my chair until the dogs were done and ate my dogs and at 6:30 Friday night was already fast asleep in bed. I woke up at 6:15 a.m. on Saturday morning!! Wow. I slept hard and long and I FELT SO GOOD. I almost sprang out of bed. (OK, I had to pee like crazy which inspired the springing...) I felt so good I made homemade beef and noodles for our main meal and went in to the store to get the ingredients to make salsa. Both were pretty good. It was SO GOOD TO FEEL GOOD!! I did laundry and felt like a super woman. Today we are finishing up the beef and noodles for supper. Having the weekend off from radiation is just awesome. I will always keep the feeling the joy of having weekends off from being nuked as joyous. You learn to appreciate things in all new ways when cancer is involved. Smile. February 27, 2019 - This morning I've decided to walk into radiation and greet the techs as my "Boob Bombardment Team" - this pleases me and makes me chortle. Yesterday when my beeper went off and I came out of the changing room my favorite technician, Steve, was standing there like superman in front of the radiation room. This also made me laugh. It is the little things, really. Nothing new to report. I'm tired. Not so weepy this week so far WHICH IS GOOD. Just tired. They told me I should be getting a rash soon on my chest, especially if I am prone to sunburn easily (I am) and am light skinned (I am) and have been burned there before (I have). "JUST DON'T SCRATCH IT!" My doctor and nurse both said at the same time. So far, no rash, but other's in the changing room (where we sit and talk about our lives and treatments and cancers before we go to get zapped) showed me their rashes and it is a real thing. Residual radioactive fall out. My left eye gave me grief all the way back to work yesterday after treatment. Last night I put a cold pack on my boob, my eye, and on my neck. If it didn't hurt, it was hot. Smile. I have to say I have enjoyed the brief time in the changing room where you sit and commiserate with fellow cancer victims. I think it is therapeutic for all of us. No one I've talk to so far has a 'bad attitude' about their ordeal. No one has expressed regret. All of us have commented on how it changes your view on life. Suddenly some things are not so so tragic any more - life becomes, well - LIFE - and you now know how temporary the thing called LIFE is and you live it the best you can and basically don't sweat the small stuff any more. Yesterday morning the Keurig machine decided to end its life. I was not pleased. It had worked for my husband. IT WAS MY TURN FOR COFFEE. "No! No coffee for you!" it declared as it shuffled off this mortal coil. I swear Keurig coffee makers should be made out of paper an disposable for the length of time they are functional. Sigh. I had instant coffee which I have on hand in case of power outages but it sucked and I WANTED REAL COFFEE. When I came back from nuclear bombardment yesterday I stopped and got a new machine. Sandy has coffee this morning, so all is well in Sandy Land. I am learning how to not sweat the small stuff, but Baby - COFFEE AIN'T SMALL STUFF! hahahahahaha February 28, 2019 - My BFF sent me a picture of a bouquet of daffodils she picked. She lives in North Carolina and her daffys are early! I love those flowers. They are my favorite flower and she knows it. My Dear fiend Linda brought me a taco casserole for supper for last night! With brownies for dessert!! This made me cry and happy. I've been so tired during the week and my husband was thrilled he didn't have to make something from a box. (I ate BOTH my brownies, by the way!!) Then my Dear friend Sue saved my life last night by bringing me her anti-itch cream from when she had poison ivy. My radiation doctor mentioned I would get itchy and get rashes on Monday. I sort of laughed at him because I was no where near itchy anywhere. NEVER LAUGH AT YOUR RADIATION DOCTOR'S WARNINGS! THEY WILL BECOME TRUTH EVENTUALLY! I was so itchy that I tore apart my medicine rack looking for my last two Benadryl tablets that I knew I had. I couldn't find them and was getting ready to send my husband on a run to the store. Finally, way in the back of my rack, there they were! I struggled to get them out of the package and at one point was ready to swallow the package and pill whole. After the Benadryl and the lotion from Sue I was able to fall asleep without ripping my skin off... This morning I itch on my neck and chest and back and under my boob and on the left side. I will on occasion find myself mindless scratching those areas but the doctor and the nurse had both said in unison on Monday, "DON'T ITCH!!" So I stop. I warned another friend who is just starting radiation about stocking up on itch cream and Benadryl. I am sure it mentioned this fact in one of the millions of Cancer booklets I got at the onset of this whole journey but like any good American, I doubt I read the whole user manual... Dolly is also experiencing inner pain and all I can picture is a bunch of tiny rabid rats with WWI style clothing stabbing at the sides of my boob with bayonets from the inside. Yesterday I swear the time I had to hold my breath as they blasted my boob was extra long. I have to sing to myself in my mind to occupy my brain so it doesn't want to breathe during these sessions - so I will sing a nice, light song. Yesterday I chose "Lights" by Journey. It went sort of like this: "When the lights go down in the city, and the sun shines on the bay - Lord I wanna be there in my city, B-R-E-A-T-H-E ..." As you all well know once you try not to think about something it fails miserably and YOU THINK ABOUT IT. hahahaha. Brains - go figure. ONLY 8 MORE CHERNOBYL VISITS TO GO!! (Not that I'm counting...) What the hell am I going to talk about when I'm not longer complaining about cancer? Lordy, I've got to start working on getting a life!! hahahaha March 4, 2019 - March came in like a lamb. (If you are just counting March 1st - now it's colder than the planet Pluto in winter and we have lake effect snow happening...) After my visit today, I only have five more treatments and radiation will be done! YAY! Today was the longer session where they take x-rays to be sure they are not spraying nuclear love all over the wrong parts of your body. I walked out of the dressing room and saw my two techs in front of the my radiation room which caused me to break out in song (*to the tune of 'Doo Wah Diddy Diddy') and I sang, "There they were - they were standing in the hall - I was born October 9, nineteen sixxxxxxxty..." (You have to give your birth date to partake in nuclear fun.) Then I saw my nurse and Doctor after that. My nurse said, "I heard you singing a bit ago. My patient at the time asked if some one was in pain in the hallway!" Hahahahahahaha. Well, they may have been in pain because I cannot carry a tune but I assured her I was just serenading my rad techs and not meaning to make innocent ears bleed. She told me that my last five visits are 'boost' visits. I had to look that up when I got home. It means: "During the final week or so of the radiation regimen, you will also receive a supplemental dose of radiation targeted directly to the area around your surgery where the cancer was. This dose is called the "boost" and is usually delivered in a method similar to your regular radiation. The boost dose will be calculated such that each day you’ll get a slightly higher amount of radiation than you did for the first few weeks of your regimen." Um, Ugh. Oh goody. I was worried they would just be cutting BACK on radiation. What was I thinking??!? When I told my boss about this - he said, "Cripes, why don't they just send for a weeks stay at the Hyatt Chernobyl??" Hahahahahaha. This is still making me laugh. (I have designed a "postcard" from Chernobyl Hyatt hotel and will give it to him tomorrow...) So I have five more zappings and I can run free and wild from the Cancer Center with Dolly flapping in the cold wind! Woot. However, that is when I start my daily hormone blocker (for 5 years) and we'll see how that goes. Watch your local news - I'm pretty sure I'll be picked up for either running naked downtown or harassing sailors or stabbing someone. Most likely the latter. Never - EVER - read the side effect page of your drugs. This is a the warning on my hormone blocker: "May cause hot flashes, headache, trouble sleeping, dizziness, stomach upset, nausea/vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, loss of appetite, weight gain, tiredness/weakness, increased coughing, sore throat, small children will run from you in fear, steam escape through your ears, monkeys will throw feces at you..." That pretty much covers all bases. I am pretty sure what they meant to say "May cause men to become attracted to your Rubenesque body and follow you like adoring puppies everywhere you go, asking to fulfill your every wish and desire such as detailing your car and brushing your hair..." March 5, 2019 - Dolly the Boob is in pain. I have walked around the house holding her up to relieve the pain under my breast. She's starting to get some damage from the radiation and blister underneath. Since I have larger, gravitationally challenged breast, the only way to bring her relief is to just hold her up. I do this at work as well - so I am sure I look like a fat female Napoleon with my hand stuck in my shirt most of the time. (Actually, that act of holding up Dolly is quite comforting. She has been a trooper, that one. And lately very warm.) Over all I am damned lucky to have caught the cancer early. I am surely not suffering like some of the people I have met. THEY ARE THE TROOPERS. I wish I could suck up all their suffering and give them some relief. Poor Delilah, my right breast, is feeling left out. The poor kid. I will hold her up once in a while just to show her I still love her. I have not had this much boob action since the late 70s... I forgot to mention that last Friday I stopped and got my hair played with on the way back from radiation. The owner (of the shop I go to sometimes) is about two weeks behind me on the radiation ride, so when I was done I walked over to her and whipped out Dolly to show her the 'damage' so far. The girls ooooed and ahhhhhhh and poked at it. However, I was in a public place whipping out a damaged breast for the world to see. They have glass panels facing out into the store this shop is in!! Not to mention the poor male in the chair directly to my left that got more than he paid for that day, I'm sure. Hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Once you have had cancer and get prodded and poked and dragged around by your nipples, all modestly is gone. Just GONE. All of it!! (Ron, warn Sue - I would have no qualms about walking to the mailbox naked. There, I said it.) I have felt so much love today. My dear friend Linda brought me a huge bowl of homemade beef and noodles, mashed potatoes, and delicious cranberry muffins. (I may have accidentally ate one after you left, Linda.) When I got home from work I split that bowl into three meals worth and put them in the freezer. How lucky am I?!! Then my dear Sue and Ron brought us HOT out of the oven chicken enchiladas for supper!! With rice and lettuce and chips and two lemon packzis for dessert! Holy crap. I am feeling the love! (I probably did not chew those enchiladas very well, they were so good. In fact, I'm sure I did not chew them well enough. I couldn't get them in my belly fast enough!) I smeared them with homemade salsa I had made this afternoon for my boss' Birthday tomorrow at work. HEAVEN. For some reason those just hit the spot in my tummy!! Yum. I am so blessed to have such friends who are making sure we are well fed during my 'down' time. I cannot stress that enough - I AM BLESSED. I have noticed the last few days I am having issues finding 'words' I want to use. I know the words, I can visualize the words, but getting them out of my mouth is damned near impossible. I assume this is some odd effect of radioactivity? (Or dementia - half a dozen of one...) This has led to dramatic pauses in the stories I tell and in my phone conversations. Perhaps it might just seem as if I am just exuding class and sophistication in the listener's mind ... in reality I just can't remember how to verbalize what I want to say. Ugh. I will be glad when that passes. If it passes. If it doesn't pass, I will just have to express myself solely through interpretive dance. March 7, 2019 - Only THREE MORE ZAPS TO GO. Not that I'm counting. I'm in my 'boost' radiation stage now where they only zap (with higher radiation) the specific site of the original cancer. They swing the table here and there to get it at proper angles so they don't zap your brain, your heart, your lungs, you intestines, your first born, the cows in the fields, etc. It seems like it takes LONGER to do this but in reality I'm in and out in the same amount of time as full breast radiation. Odd. Yesterday I woke up tired, went in to work tired, and decided I was just going to work from home after my radiation. It also felt like a million ants were biting me all over and it ITCHED. You can't use any RadX or creams before your zapping so I couldn't slather on helpful medicinal products to stop the itching. When I got home from Super Happy Radiation Fun Time, I worked for about an hour then slept until 4 p.m. I woke up, worked about an hour more then went back to bed at 6ish and woke up at 5:30 a.m. this morning. Amazingly - when I woke up, the dishes were done. The laundry was done. The pets had water in their water bowl. Seems my husband stepped up to the plate and DID THINGS. Wow. (Noting this on the calendar for future reference...unless it was MAGIC. I am not ruling that out.) And if I didn't mention it already - ONLY THREE MORE FRICKEN ZAPS TO GO!! March 11, 2019 - Today is the last radiation session for Dolly. I can't wait to tell those people I hope I never see them again - but I'll say it with love as I run from the building with my boobs a flappin'... Dolly is burned. It is just a fact. She was in dire pain all weekend. (If you go through this, aloe is GREAT for burns but IT BURNS LIKE A S.O.B. WHEN YOU FIRST PUT IT ON!! Just keep that in mind...as a matter of fact, just use the RadX cream - wait to use aloe after you start healing!) I held her up all weekend so skin didn't touch skin. I have cooed to her all weekend that we just have one more to go and she can make it. Dolly found little solace in my cooing... I will also start my hormone blockers today. I suspect I will be in the local paper soon for shanking my husband to death or hiding bodies in my burn pile, huh? Come see me in prison, please. Bring chocolate... Besides walking around with my boob in my hand, I pretty much just slept the weekend away. It felt good to sleep but after so much sleep your blood tends to pool in one spot and you HAVE to get up and move. We went to breakfast early Saturday morning and then got some groceries. After that, I was napping like I was trying to qualify for the Sleeper's Olympics. I think I made it in... I will NOT be able to wear a bra for about a week, I'm pretty sure. When I go back to work tomorrow the girls will be hanging low. Hopefully I can just hide in my office so I do not scare anyone. Gravity is not kind to larger breasts as they age. After my session on Friday, I went to the hair place and had Marissa put purple, teal, and blue in my hair. I look like a peacock! I love it! I have been waiting for her to post pictures. If I could shellac my hair so it would stay this color the rest of my life, I would. I adore it. I am not one to get a tattoo but by golly, I don't mind looking like I rolled in a 5 year old's watercolor set! March 13, 2019 - Hurray - the deed is done.I rang the 'Celebrate' bell on Monday. No More Radiation! Yesterday at work I thought to myself, "I DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE DOWNTOWN!!" When I left on Monday and pulled out on to the main road to the Cancer Center location the song "Lights" came on the radio. That is the song I've been singing to myself for a distraction when I couldn't breathe on the radiation table. I took it as a sign. When I walked out of my last session on Monday, my neighbor Sue was waiting for me with a celebratory cake! How sweet. I had hoped someone would surprise me there and just BE THERE, and it was so nice to see her face! (Sorry I missed you Ron!) I can't tell you how grateful I was they came to support me!! (I came home and ate that cake for my lunch. I earned a bout of diabetes, baby! It was a smaller cake - don't think I ate a huge cake by myself, although I bet I would have and have been known to do so in the past...) I am on day three of the hormone blockers. So far, just my right armpit hurts like it used to hurt when it was almost my 'time of the month' so I'm not sure what is up with that. I told my boss I would NOT be wearing a bra to work this week and he gave me his blessings. Dolly needs to mend and be free to the air. I have been sleeping without a top so she can air out as well. (I believe Dolly holds no resentment against me. Breasts are known to be very forgiving in nature.) I still walk around holding her up at home, though. Now it's like a security blanket sort of action. Smile. March 18, 2019 - You don't know how good you can feel until you realize you feel good after a month of playing Nuclear Bombardment. It feels GOOD to FEEL good! I just told my neighbor I feel like running down the side of a mountain like Julie Andrew's in "Sound of Music" swirling around like an idiot. Dolly is healing, I think. She is turning all sorts of colors (from tan to white to still super red to dalmatian spots) and ITCHES LIKE CRAZY. I will be talking to someone at work and out of the blue end up contorting into a ball because Dolly reminds me she is THERE. Electric like zaps will explode out from her up my chest or down my side which will cause me to grab her and scold her like a two year old, which in turns makes the person I'm talking to either laugh and/or run screaming because they assume I am possessed. Sigh. Still, we'll just say she's healing... Today I made it all the way until 3 p.m at work until I had to bring Dolly home and ice her and set her free and finish my work day semi-naked. The only perk to all of this is the fact I've not worn a bra since last Sunday. I could get used to that part... I have been observing all the types of woodpeckers in the greater tri-yard area and per my calculations none of us will have a tree standing by the end of summer. There are Red Bellied woodpeckers, Downy woodpeckers, Pileated woodpeckers, Hairy Woodpeckers, and maybe possibly Northern Flickers here and there. Right now they are concentrating on the suet I put out but they have to be shoving that stuff SOMEWHERE to store, hence BYE BYE TREES. The trees in our yard are ancient and don't look to good anyway so they are prime for woodpeckering. (A new word - you are welcome.) The red-winged black birds are also back and they had all better be thankful I enjoy their songs because they are consuming an average of ten pounds of bird food every two days. I bought the cheapest food I could this last weekend and will keep this up until those birds find women and move to the swamps. There have also been lots of courting of the cardinals and skirt chasing by many other birds. Horny devils. March 27, 2019 - Apparently I've decided to give up all mental coordination this week. It has been a very challenging week for me so far... Monday - I get to work, I dock my laptop and I turn it on. However, my main monitor didn't work. I checked the connections and made sure it was plugged in and did all things you would expect an end user to do before calling the help desk but they never do...but I digress. I even went as far as switching out my docking station. Still no monitor. After ten minutes of wrangling the thing, I finally called in our network intern. He checked what I checked then bent over and found my power brick's connection to the outlet was not hooked up! OMG - I'M IN THE IT DEPARTMENT AND I DIDN'T EVEN CHECK THAT!! I had followed the power cord to the power brick and didn't even bother to check if the power brick was connected! DUH. Monday Night - I go to fill the rinse aid container in my dishwasher before doing a load of dishes. I pick up the bottle that clearly stated it was FOAMING HAND WASH and I pour it in the rinse aid opening. I am reading the bottle as I pour it in - clearly stating that is is foaming hand wash and not my bottle of Finish Jet Dry. Still, I finish the act, put the lid back on the bottle and put the bottle back. Not once did any bells or whistles go off in my brain to indicate I was a raving lunatic. It wasn't until AFTER I turned on the dishwasher and walked away that my brain happened to mention, "Oh, by the way - did you happen notice you put soap in the rinse compartment?" UGH. Seriously!???? Tuesday - I decide I'm taking my paint class paintings to work and hang them up since I don't have anywhere to put them at home. I take nails and asked my network friend to leave his level on my desk. He did. Then I went in to the boy's office and asked where the hammer was. He told me, clear as a bell - where to find the hammer in the server room. I walk in the server room, I look EVERYWHERE except the place he told me!! I go back and tell him, "No hammer" and he gets up and goes to his office and looks around then goes in the server room and IT WAS RIGHT WHERE HE TOLD ME IT WAS! I felt so BLONDE! If it were a rattlesnake, I'd have been in ER for venom reversal. Sigh. Last night my niece and her kids called me on Facebook (didn't know you could do that!) and her daughter read me stories. How sweet was that!?!?! They used filters to chang Today is a new day. I've established I have an issue so maybe if I am aware I'm going insane it will help me be less insane. Wish me luck. I went for my two week post radiation check up yesterday. Dolly is healing up pretty well, I thought. She is 'tan' on the bottom with brown polka dots. That is from the radiation 'tanning' my pores for me. She did a thorough exam of both breasts and noticed the incision under my breast has an opening. She prescribed some special cream with antibiotics in it to use on that spot. She gave me gauze to put on it. She stated that "large women with bigger breast seem to irritate that spot to begin with..." but I heard "You so fat that your saggy boobs be all sweating on yourself!" She also mentioned being FAT increases the estrogen amount in one's body and since that is what caused the cancer in the first place I'd best get off my fat butt and shut my mouth and move more. Then she told me that maybe around the three month mark I may develop lymphedema in Dolly. She told me what to look for and to call if it happens. The cure - physical therapy. "My boob has to get on a tread mill?" I blurted. "No, deep massage..." So, Dolly - who has been subject to more attention than any one boob deserves in a life time may have to have MORE ATTENTION? Darn. I told her I would just get volunteers from work to help me out now to prevent it ahead of time. I could also stand on the corner of an on-ramp to a highway with a sigh that says, "Please massage my breasts..." I did get to see my favorite radiation tech and give him a big hug, though. That made my day. So that is my life right now - being a ditz and playing with my boob. What more could a woman want?  March
28, 2019 - One of my coworkers
pointed to my lip the other day and said,
"What's that?""What?" I asked... "That...is it a scar?" he said. "Point to it..." as I wasn't sure what the hell he was talking about. He pointed to it. I didn't remember getting attacked by any wild animals on my face recently so I just assumed he was pointing to one of my in-grown mustache hairs. I didn't think much about it at all until I got off the toilet at work just a bit ago and was washing my hands. In the glare of the lights, THERE IT WAS. MANY AGE LINES ABOVE MY LIP! I am sure I let out an audible, "What the bloody hell?!?!?" Sigh. I have never been a beauty by any means. I am just a plain sort of spastic country type, but THIS MADE ME SAD. I wasn't this sad when I turned 30 or 40 or 50 or this sad over CANCER for cripes sake!! I have noticed these age lines on "older" woman in my past. I am now one of the older women. Sigh. Seriously, I need a beer. That's right, I need 3 beers after I have that one beer... Sigh. Guess I will start wearing make up? Later in the day - I went all around the offices looking at all the women who are close to my age and after squinting REAL hard, WE ALL HAVE THOSE LINES. I feel better. So much better. It doesn't matter what is over my lips...it just matter what comes out of them. (But that is a whole 'nother blog entry - what comes out of my mouth... Those of you who know me well KNOW that I have no filters and a myriad of odds things spews forth from me constantly. My file in HR must be HUGE ...) *Oh, and I made a bunch of ladies paranoid today about their lip lines...they don't have to thank me. March 29, 2019 - Last night when I finally fell asleep I had a lovely visual review of all my years on Earth from Brian, my brain's night guy, and I saw where all my lines and creases came from - YEARS of wonderful moments and laughter and sad times, too. Anything about yourself physically or your personality is a culmination of years of events and you can't avoid the after effects so basically what I was trying to tell myself was to embrace whoever the hell I am and shut up. Then Brian threw in some action sequences to my dream about tornadoes and frogs raining down from the clouds just for the shock factor. (You have to keep the ratings up, after all.) I had a lovely dinner last night with my high school girlfriends. I love those girls. I was blessed. (Yes, I checked all of them for lip lines, and yep - we all gots 'em). I love the laughter and the fact we are all HUMAN and all of our lives have such detailed stories. They may not approve of all the things I do but they unconditionally love me. That is wonderful gift. I heard PEEPERS in the swamp on the way home from work! PEEPERS! A sure sign of horny frogs/toads and SPRING! I love the sound of peepers. My friend Wyatt and I would have our yearly competition to see who heard peepers first and when he passed, his sister volunteered to be my peep buddy. I was proud to announce this to her. April 3, 2019 - My daffodils are out of the ground about three inches. This pleases me. My favorite flower is the daffodil. I tend to be drawn to bright yellow things..and shiny things...and fuzzy things...and stuff with glitter... I am 7 years old, apparently. There, I did it again! On Monday night after I talked none stop for an hour to my therapist, she noted that no matter what epiphany I had or decision I made I follow it up with an apology of sorts. (Like above - my gusto for life I cover up by saying 'apparently I'm 7 years old.' No, I am just ALIVE.) I know I used to apologize constantly (I'm sorry!) for every little thing I did but I managed to stop doing that at around the age of 30. She says now I do it with humor, but I always 'downgrade' myself when I have feelings or emotions. I hear it now that she pointed it out, but how does one stop that? That is all part of my comedic routine. I am a female Rodney Dangerfield of sorts I suppose. I will attempt to be more mindful. I did it yesterday when talking to the network boys, ending my sentence with "But what do I know, I'm just an old woman!" I am older, but I ain't dead nor dumb. When the alarm so rudely interrupted my sleep this morning, I was dreaming about planning my own funeral - faking my own 'death' and all. I was telling everyone who would listen that I was intending to do this and they were all going to play along. I remember my boss saying, "Don't worry, I'll come up with a convincing story!" I know every dream has a shred of insight to them so I am wondering what my 'insight' would have been from this dream? I don't want to be where I am anymore? I want to change myself? I am sure I will eventually figure it out. Saturday evening the place I work lost power. I called the network guys first but they were not available or out of town so me and my jammies went in to turn on the portable air conditioning unit in the server room. (Servers are always running hot, baby.) I took a flashlight and got in the building, did my duties as an IT Mom, and left the building. I have a set of keys just for work and I MUST put them back in the proper spot. (They are not my keys after all - I must protect them. Plus, since I burned up my sets of keys in a bonfire several years ago, I make sure keys are where they should go!) When I jumped in the car I verified they were in their proper spot and THEY WERE NOT THERE. I texted my coworker who was set to come in later when the power came back on that he was to look for my keys and put them in my office. It bugged me to death so I used my phone as a flashlight (instead of the perfectly good flashlight I had in the passenger seat) to look on the car floor, under my seat, and again through my purse. I found them in side pocket, NOT THE PLACE THEY GO, so I put them where they belong and hopped up into my seat (with my cell phone still in my left hand) and pulled the door shut JUST AS I DROPPED THE PHONE. Smash. I killed it good. I took my crushed phone into my cell phone place and showed them and they said there was no hope. I knew there was no hope. It was originally the cheapest phone anyway - and I cracked her practically in half.) I was hoping they could get my contacts off of it but they couldn't. I bought an expensive phone this time with a kick ass camera. I didn't want to spend the money but if I was - I wanted to get something that could take excellent pictures. (All of the pictures I took with my dead phone were like Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds commercials - all fuzzy....) Expect spectacular pictures this summer when the flowers start blooming. Sigh. Odd how we've become so dependent on cell phones, huh? We all survived without them for thousands of years, not you can't be without one for more than 24 hours. Next thing I will want to get is a body cam and I will YouTube "The Life of Sandy" - stay tuned I've been going for walks after work to unwind. After radiation I have so much energy. (Maybe it is the hormone blockers?) All I know is I want to move and go and keep walking and not stop. While I have this feeling I am taking advantage of it... April 11, 2019 - I thought I was having emotional issues - Cripes! I have nothing on Mother Nature. Poor girl is bipolar. It was 70 on Monday when I did my walk and today it is windy and 35 degrees. This has been going on for quite a while. I should go out and toss a handful of my anti-depressant medicine into the wind... I talked to my BFF and she gave me some sage wisdom the other night. It was what I needed to hear, actually, and I didn't even know I needed to hear it. That is what friends are for - they keep you grounded. Not so much grounded as they can assist you in seeing other sides of fences and the forest for the trees. It shook me out of my dire straight I was in, that's for sure. Suddenly I didn't feel so lost nor lonely. I felt like 'me' and that is a good feeling. Between Rocko the cat and Jake the dog, it seems to be genital maintenance week. All I hear is the slopping sounds of animal clean up. It drives me NUTS. (It doesn't them, since they lack nuts.) There are times I yell at them when they are doing their man-scaping duties to just STOP, then I realize they don't yell at me when I'm in the shower so why can't I let slurping dogs lie... I suppose I would clean up like that, too, if I could manage to bend that far. I won't judge. I am going to start the laser treatment again on my beard and mustache. Maybe this will help my 'day of the dead' lines above my lip, too. I doubt it. Those suckers are pretty deep. Being a female with such a stunning beard is NOT FUN. I mean, I could moonlight in a circus and get more money - sure. However, I choose not to do this and I will attempt the laser zapping of my hairs. It is painful. I quit after the 5th one before when I tried. "Why am I doing this to myself?!?!" I thought back then. I will no doubt arrive at that same conclusion this time, but I'll try to stick it out. It did nothing for me last time except get rid of my bumpy look on my chin from all those tiny beard hairs trying to sprout. I don't remember my Mom being this hairy. I can't blame it on her side of the family. I do, however, blame it on my wild hormones that have been a menace to me since birth. I shake my fist at my hormones. "You gave me cancer, you bastards!" Sigh. If all I have to worry about is a beard - then life is OK. I love birds. I adore them. I do not, however, appreciate the song of a robin at 5:30 in the morning. (On weekends, that is. During the week I have to be by then so GO FOR IT.) They have the type of song that pierces my eardrums and slaps me around. Why don't they shut up already? Sigh. I think I would like the shriek of the sandhill crane better at 5:30 a.m. than a robin. (Maybe I shouldn't throw my pills to Mother Nature - it would appear I need them myself. Smile.) April 17, 2019 - OK, I've come to the conclusion I will melt soon. The amount of heat I generate since starting the hormone blocker pill is PHENOMENAL! I was so hot last night that I would have bet my 401K on the fact I had a fever. I took my temperature. 98.0! I WAS NORMAL. My face was beet read and I was sweating at 98.0?????? Dear Lord! I keep a fan on me at work due to my furnace-self-gone-wild. I've had hormone issues all my life so I know this is hard for my hormones to deal with this hormone blocker. I picture the battles being fought in my body. I am not taking any sides. I want this heat to go away and if that means killing off anything remotely female inside of me, so be it. Last night I had the covers off and stripped down to my underwear and I was still sweating. Ugh. It was 70 yesterday when I left work, and I was SO SAD. I wanted it to be snowing... I had my first laser treatment. Man, have things come a long way since the first time I tried it!! They have a small laser now with an iced tip so it cools while it tries to kill you - pretty neat! I was just shocked at how much better it was than the last time I attempted this process (where you spent the whole time praying silently to yourself to be be gored by a rogue, rabid bull since no doubt it would involve much less pain than having your face tasered). I was so darned happy! She burned away my beard and started on my upper lip...that area is ALWAYS more sensitive so when she first zapped me it made my nose spasm and want to sneeze and it almost tickled and I started laughing. "I can honestly say I've never had a patient who giggled during this procedure..." the tech said in a perplexed voice. "Sorry, but it tickles my nose!" I couldn't help but chortle though the whole upper lip treatment. I laugh when they use the grit on your teeth during my teeth cleaning too... I ain't right in the head... I doubt laser treatment will work this time, either. I am born to be in the circus. Me and my Day of the Dead Lines lip lines and Rubenesque body. I happened to catch myself on Tuesday pursing my lips in stress as I was being driven crazy at work. I looked in the mirror I have on my wall and saw what I was doing and said out loud, "And you wonder where your lines come from??" When I catch myself doing it now I forcefully smile and stretch my face out...however, the damage is done. I am on the downhill slide of life and I ain't leavin' a pretty corpse, baby! Now my EARS ARE BURNING. Sigh. ARGHHHHHHHHHH. I could light a fire with my face! I have tried cold rags and ice packs and anything else that is a lower temperature than I feel to ease the hotness, but to no avail. I have not walked at all this week although I've tried to keep moving doing household and yard things. I like the walking better, however. Peaceful in its own way. I will keep moving. I will go back to walking, too - hopefully tomorrow night. That seems to help me sleep better I've found. My cousin Dave walks 11 miles a day and I can only manage three miles. I've got some work to do!! (He is also retired and has more free time than I do. If I walked for 11 miles not only would I be dead, I would take 12 hours to do it then die!) I have been in a more stable mind set as of late. This is good. I was on a roller coaster from hell for the longest time. Therapy no doubt has helped. My BFF also helped with some wise observations. It takes a village to raise a Sandy, boy howdy. It just feels so good to feel better, although I would rather not be so damned hot doing it... My "Kathodils" are up and blooming! Yay! My other BFF got me daffodil bulbs several years ago. (Her name is Kathy. So of course they are now Kathodils to me.) So pretty. I see them all over the place, too. On the trail I walk there are random patches here and there where old homes used to be many many years ago. The urge to pick them is strong, but I will let them live to entertain me longer. Yesterday morning a whole herd of female turkeys crossed my back yard like a couple of dozen Grouch Marx-es. I was quite amused. No male to be seen. Across the road is a different story where the males all strut their stuff to impress the women. (Maybe the girls were sneaking away for a margarita to get away from the men?) April 22, 2019 - My friend Sue went for a walk with me tonight after I got home from therapy. It makes it nicer to walk with someone. Time goes so much faster if you can gab at someone while you walk. We only walked two miles, but hey - two miles is two miles. Enough to work up a sweat. (Don't let me fool you, lately I am constantly in a state of sweat.) I had been two weeks since therapy. I shouldn't go that long sometimes. PLUS, I have not meditated in a week. How do you trip yourself on the way to metal stability? Ask me, I can tell you. I had one huge epiphany today towards the end of the session which actually struck me silent. Wow. Just WOW. Also, two other smaller ones. It felt GOOD. I caught myself putting myself down after stating how I felt and corrected that. That is hard to do. I had made a statement something like, "Even if I wanted someone to love me like I need to be loved, who would want THIS!" as I scanned my body with my hands. Oops. Not a true statement. Someone out there just might want me. I shouldn't put myself down like that. I am a beautiful human inside and I ain't bad for a larger woman on the outside AND I AIN'T DEAD. This is not easy allowing myself to be proud of me or allow myself to feel justified over some of my needs. Tomorrow I go for my three month check up with my oncologist. I have only talked to this woman for a total of 15 minutes prior to my going on to radiation. I am not letting her leave the room tomorrow until she answers my questions. I have been having terrible bouts of PAC (where my heart pre-fires on beats...kind of like the good cousin of AFIB.) I have researched the hormone blocker I'm taking and that can cause irregular heartbeats. ALSO - taking too much Vitamin D and Calcium (which you have to take to counteract the bone damaging hormone blocker) can cause it too (the calcium part). So, I have many questions for her because I'm sick of walking around with a hyperactive gerbil in my chest. This all started right after radiation ended which can ALSO cause damage to the heart if they accidentally bombard it, but I am convinced it is the medicine. I went to my family doctor to talk about the gerbil and they said it looks like the PAC and he wants me to do a 48 hour chest halter (kind of kinky, if you ask me) AFTER I discuss the medicine issue with the oncologist. I have started taking my hormone blocker at night to see if that would help and instead of taking two Vitamin D and Calcium tablets as ordered I dropped it to one. We'll see how tomorrow goes. Other than random gerbil action behind my left breast and the continuing to work on my brain, all is well. The weather has been nice. I am chomping at the bit to do my fairy gardens. I MUST GET DIRTY SOON. Nothing satisfies like grubbing in the dirt, unless it is staring at the galaxy from my backyard. Or chocolate...that's good too... April 30, 2019 - My my my, time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? To catch y'all up on Sandy's journey into geezer-hood:  I
went to my family doctor for an EKG. Yep, my
heart was possessed by hyperactive gerbils
right there on paper. They wanted me to get
a Holter Harness Heart monitor Hookup. (I
laugh when I try saying that fast.) I did go
get one yesterday at the hospital and will
wear it until tomorrow. As you can see by
the picture, it almost has an 'Alien' sort
of grasp on my upper body. (Sigourney Weaver I am
not...) They sent home extra
sticky things since I tend to sweat a lot. I
can tell you right now, those damned
contacts make you ITCH. You have to keep a
diary if you have extra bad episodes or
something out of the ordinary went on within
your chest cavity. The only thing I've
written down so far is that I can't pick up
a good radio station on the Walkman they
gave me. (The recorder really does look like
and old Walkman. Guess you'd have to be here
to appreciate that joke.) My heart is the
happiest after walking the local trail but I
couldn't do that last night due to rain. I
will walk her tonight no matter what is
falling from the sky. (No excuse, really -
there IS a local gym I could utilize, now
that I ponder it...)I went to see my oncologist for my three month check up. I complained about the heart palpitations that started on the last day of radiation. She agreed to let me do a test and stop taking the hormone blocker for two weeks, and I will quote her, "BUT ONLY TWO WEEKS - YOUR BODY WILL GIVE YOU CANCER AGAIN IF YOU ARE NOT ON A HORMONE BLOCKER! ONLY TWO WEEKS OFF!" She was very adamant about this fact. "Two weeks off and if your palpitations get better, call and I will prescribe a different hormone blocker!" (She was shaking her finger at me the whole time, mind you...) If by the 7th of May I'm still having palpitations, then I go back on the hormone blocker and drop the calcium pills for two weeks. I was happy she was at least willing to let me test it out as I think it is one or the other causing it OR my heart got a good dose of radiation and is working on it's damage through interpretive dance? I lived through radiation which made my poor boob feel like it was dragged naked behind a rabid horse at high speeds down a dirt road so I will survive this whole heart gone wild incident. Or, I won't. Either/Or - left foot right foot. That is all a human can do is go forward. I am verbal about all my ailments (mental and physical) because no matter what is wrong with you as a human there are other people going through the same thing in silence. You don't have to go through things in silence and you don't have to feel alone. There are people out there who can sympathize and hold out there hand to help you out of any rut you are in...you just have to extend your damned hand. We had snow on Saturday night but it had mostly all melted enough to go for a nice walk in the afternoon. The sun was shining and it was so beautiful out - with all the greens kicking in and violets blooming and butterflies butterfly-ing and birdies singing. (And dog poop all over the path and beer bottles scattered here and there and...) I have big plans for Memorial Day weekend! Woot. More later. I am so EXCITED. My months of May and June and July are a plethora of social activity. This makes me very happy. (Oh, and August, too!) Concerts and reunions and showers and fairy gardens and mowing and dancing and therapy and ... Oh, my stars - I will be so social I will probably kill the gerbil within. May 5, 2019 - Happy May. There is a bright golden haze on the meadow out there. (It's from multiple bonfires and the interaction of cold in the air and warmer ground, actually.)  Friday
I had lunch with a dear friend which was
wonderful. Had a hoot. I knew my results of
the Holter Harness were in since the doc left
me a voice mail on Thursday night, so Friday
the doctor and I spent all day playing phone
tag. I will admit, I was nervous and I tied a
good one on Friday night. I didn't even
remember when the doctor called at 6:30. (I
looked it up yesterday once I was able to
navigate once again to find out what she had
told me...) My chest gerbil is now named as Supraventricular tachycardia or SVT for short. (So I will name the gerbil Svett. Kind of Swedish - kind of down southern-ish.) What is Svett? All the sites I researched started out by saying "The rapid heartbeat and other symptoms of supraventricular tachycardia can be extremely alarming, but the condition is typically not life-threatening" which is comforting, I guess. I have to go for a heart sonogram to find out what kind of SVT I have. Then I go to a cardiologist. Then who the hell knows. Another mountain for Sandy to climb in my old age. Why not - I was SO BORED after the whole cancer thing, after all. I will call for the sonogram on Monday first thing. Let's get this party started. Sigh. Other than that, I have a trunk full of dirt and fencing and bulbs to start work on my flowers. (Oh, I have to keep a cell phone with me at all times - I guess Svett can make you faint? Oh Lordy...) I will begin fairy gardening and flower planting this coming week. I will get close ups of my heart. Hold me back, I'm living life on the edge. I had planned the rest of my life on having 12 good years 'left' to it - but maybe I will just start seizing the days NOW as they COME. Screw the future. Each day is one day - and that is how I'll take 'em. Carpe damn Diem! May 10, 2019 - Get some coffee, this will be a long post... I have three Orioles coming to my feeders! Yay. This year is a bumper crop! Hummingbirds are coming as well (just males for now). Nature rocks. I have always enjoyed where I live and the wildlife and am fully aware of the fact that maybe, just maybe, other sentient beings out there look upon the Earth and us humans in the same way I am observe my birdies. ("Oh My Galaxies, Voltar! Come Look! We're up to 8 billion of them!") So I had my heart echo cardiogram yesterday. I got to meet and greet my heart. Svett was acting like the gerbil that he is, so that is good. You want the trouble to be, well - trouble, when on camera. She said, "What brings you here?" and I said, "Apparently I have SVT per the Holter Monitor" and after about 10 minutes she said, "I don't think you have SVT...SVT is a rapid heart rate and your heart rate is normal for a woman your size..." So who the heck knows what is going on with my heart? The gerbil was very strong during the scan so I expected to see several rodents in there and was disappointed I saw not a one! It was cool to watch my heart work. At my inclined angle, at one point my heart looked like Jabba the Hut trying to blow bubbles (I do tend to have an imaginative mind). She said besides the 'gerbil' misfiring which was very evident on the screen and recording on the heart beat line, it looked like a normal heart. She cannot diagnose as she is not a doctor and (insert other disclaimers here...). I watched the bottom on the screen where the heartbeat is recorded in green line and it looked like miles and miles of doctor signatures. Hahahahaha. When the gerbil was active the line showed it. She measured the ventricles and atriums and the inbound and outbound veins and she was very good to me explaining what I was seeing. The technology on those types of machines have improved so much over the years. I was impressed with the visuals. You could see the inbound blood and outbound blood when she turned on the colors. I had to cough while this was all going on and the heart just takes that sort of thing in stride, slightly moving for the lungs. I do believe they need to have a 'All Heart All Day' channel on TV. It was fascinating. Now I wait for more phone calls. However, yesterday I came to conclusion that I will just 'Let It Be' and just- well - BE. Many friends have pointed out, "You just got done with RADIATION - NEAR YOUR HEART! Your heart is just PISSED OFF!!" This is most likely true. As good as modern radiation techniques are, IT IS RADIATION. There is a reason you don't take casual walks and picnic at sites like Chernobyl and Three Mile Island. I talked to my Chiropractor about it and he told me which vitamins to double up on to ease my troubled heart. He said the same thing, "Sandy, IT WAS RADIATION!!" Hahahahaha. My vacation this week consisted of doing my flower planting and fairy gardens. I ADORE getting dirty. I can't tell you how much fun it is to get covered in Earth and just dig. I enjoyed that part very much. I started taking a week off in May for two reasons - #1) Back when the kids were still here, I took a week off to be ALONE. #2) I always forget to use all of my vacation time at work so many years I lost a week or two when I rolled over in May. I decided about a decade ago that I would never do this again - that I would use ALL MY TIME as I had earned it. Still, I forget to take the time until I realize my anniversary date is coming up. (This year I used up a bunch of days during cancer treatment JUST to use up days!) Now that I'm in my OCD phase with fairy gardens it turned out to be the perfect time to just chill and plant crap so the "May Week" tradition carries on. It rained most of the week but getting wet and dirty is twice the fun in my book. I went to my favorite local green house one day and spent 188 dollars then drove up to the green house that makes me run around making loud, audible 'OMG' sounds due to the cool stuff they have and spent another 190 dollars. I have a problem.... hahahahahaa. I got more solar lights for the yard. (Another obsession...) Now that it is Friday, I realize I'm getting sick with a sore throat and chest congestion. A good way to end the week. I had been fighting something for a while and many people at work were sick before I left - Just when I decided to "LET IT BE" - BAM - I'm gargling with salt water and my throat looks like the left overs on the grounds after Woodstock...  I
went to see my sister up North on Wednesday.
It was good to see her. We went to a green
house (where more plants somehow ended up in
the back of my car) and had a lovely lunch
and gabbed a lot like sisters do. My oldest
son sent me my Mother's Day presents We both
love the "Hitchhiker's" books by Douglas
Adams and he got me a new coffee mug and a
shirt with the ANSWER TO LIFE on it. (Insert
squealing with delight here...) I suppose
now I will have to re-read the "trilogy" of
six books again - just because. I had my hair played with TWICE this week. (We have previously established I'm a hair whore and just love my hair to be touched.) So relaxing. I had a deep conditioning done the second time as my hair has been quite straw like since the rad treatment. Then the girl played and played and played with it - which earned her a stellar tip. I felt SO RELAXED. My first thought was to come straight home and take a nap, but I opted to stay upright and get dirty instead. I have not taken ONE nap all of vacation!! Wow. I've not slept in past 7:30 a.m., either. What the hell is that about? (We know what that is about Sandy - you have a bladder with limitations. No, wait - you have a bladder with absolutely no control over itself - GET UP, GET UP NOW!!) Just a bit ago Jake the dog (who will wait for me to make the bed in the morning then go wallow on said bed and knock all the pillows off and sheets...) was in there wallowing around like a large pig so I joined him. It was a hoot. I suggest that we all get down and wallow about like happy piggies. I stretched and stretched and it FELT GOOD. No wonder Jake does it!! (OK, at one point I was trying a very tricky maneuver that I was very proud of for my size and age and my body said, "Whoa....just Whoa - have fun, but one more inch in that direction you will be on this bed all day until the ambulance crew arrives"...) hahahaha. Stretch it if you've got it, boys. Just know when to say 'when'... Fairy Gardens of 2019 for your viewing pleasure:    
    May 14, 2019 - So, I'm pretty sick. When my body decides to get sick it puts its whole self into it, boy howdy. I have my antibiotics now for the sinus infection and bronchitis. Here I went from knowing I was getting sick Friday afternoon to BEING SICK Friday night. I went and saw the doctor yesterday. I believe I answered in grunts and clicks although I'm not totally sure nor do I remember. Was not up to talking or being there. Apparently I should have gone in on Saturday according to them, but if I remember correctly I was in a weekend coma from being so sick so probably wouldn't even have thought of doing that. I am thinking I was pretty sure I had already died by Saturday or that is how I remember feeling. However, today I am no longer at Death's door - I'm more in the vicinity of Death's driveway. (So that is a bit of an improvement.) My back hurts from all the coughing. I feel like I could just sleep all day. I want my Mommy and a teddy bear and I want my hair played with and someone to rock me while I curl up into a fetal position. May 15, 2019 - I am no longer in Death's driveway - more out by the curb and rifling through Death's mailbox for the fun of it, but still in Death's neighborhood. Blessed are antibiotics when you really need them. Blessed is the expulsion movement of bronchial congestion and downward flow of sinus mucus. (Not blessed is when they both decided to come down/go up at the same time and you are in a dire mode to find a suitable position for the EMTs to find your dead body after you choke yourself to death from snot.) ((You would want your corpse to look at least like you were semi-coherent at the time of your death and not suffering too much, I would think. Or at least that is the way I want the EMTs to find me...)) I have put in full working days from home but it has been a struggle. I shut down yesterday for lunch and slept for an hour while I had a chance. It felt good. I wanted to sleep all the rest of the day away, but I was a good girl and got up, lost several internal organs from coughing, and went back to work. Soon, I pray this will all be over and a bad dream and I'll forget about it and so the next time I get this sick, I can state with truthfulness "I can't remember when I've been this sick!" Ugh.  May 20, 2019 - Not
only am I not at Death's door or in
Death's driveway or going through Death's
mail, I am finally on the road in Death's
cul-de-sac and I'm waiting to turn out onto
the main drag... Phew. I still cannot taste
nor smell anything. I have been choosing
meals by 'texture' rather than flavor. I
hope those senses come back soon. I will be
traveling come Friday and I do so enjoy the
scent of new places. Smells I've never
smelled... It is all part of the travel
experience for me. I have been loading
anything I eat up with red pepper flakes in
an attempt to help my sinus area clear out
unwanted occupants. I can barely even feel
the 'burn' from that!! Ugh. I won't
complain, however - if I am no longer trying
to sell Death my soul, then I'm just happy
to still be alive.We had some nice thunderstorms last night 'round these parts. My hanging planters were airborne and a limb from the old willow tree bit the big one. We did not lose power however, which is a first for these parts!! All the maple seed bunches look like they just blew off and will not mature to the flutter**ckers that land all over the yard. The side of the house is plastered with leaves and tree debris. There was an F0 tornado to our North East. So many places are just flooded around here and have been forever, and I feel so bad for those people. If April showers bring May flowers then apparently May showers bring the four horsemen of the apocalypse? I think so... I must admit that last night after one of the big storms we had a continuing downpour as the sun was shining. Pretty cool. I walked out in my sexy grandma style nightgown to see if there was a rainbow and there was, right in my back yard! Very cool. Worth the wet nightgown, it was. A picture really never does capture the beauty of a rainbow, now that I ponder it - but humans will continue to try. We all must always continue to try... May 31, 2019 - I am back from my Big Adventure. However, I will start with last night and work my way backward...  So
I'm leaving work last night and right
outside the main door is a small snapping
turtle looking into the glass door with a
face that made me just bust a gut. (The pic
I posted is the closest thing I could find
on the internet, because why would I think
of taking a picture of it with my cell
phone? I was laughing too hard.) He was just
a hoot. He was big enough to bite so I was
not going to go out and try to rescue him
when he was just fine as he was, possibly
just lost. Our plant manager was walking by
at the time and I HAD TO SHOW SOMEONE.
How could this not be amusing to all humans?
Mark came out and looked at him and told me
a story about the snapping turtle that would
come every year and lay eggs outside the
building. The turtle wasn't as brave as he
was with me now that Mark was out there and
he scooted around the garbage can and 'hid'
... Lordy, that made my day. I left for my Brave Girl Big Adventure on Friday the 24th. Not a good choice to be driving to North Carolina on the Friday before a holiday weekend, huh? I left at about 7 a.m. and got to my best friends house at nine p.m. It was a long drive for this girl. I am normally a homebody and don't do this type of thing. Cancer woke me up. Sometimes you've got to seize the day. So I was seizing it best I could on Friday on the way down. I still can't taste or smell from my bronchitis / sinus infection that kicked in on the 11th so I missed out on 'new smells' on the way but I was amazed at the views. Getting around Cincinnati took FOREVER - traffic was almost stopped. People were not rude, however. It was just a good 2.5 hours of being patient and people watching. Of course, there are all the construction zones on I75... When I got into Ohio there were miles and miles of wind farm - the huge turbines rotating in the morning sun. I was quite amazed by that. That in itself would have been a 'big adventure' for me, but on I went. I am proud to say on May 24, 2019 I peed in the following states: Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and North Carolina. I have marked my territory. I was amazed when I got to the mountains - so many cliffs of rocks that were just stunning. So many boulders near the highway! So many curves that I totally lost all sense of direction. When I was ALMOST to my BFF's house, there was a road closure. I called her and she talked me around before my cell phone went dead. My Garmin GPS system remapped me and got me the rest of the way. (I don't get how the Garmin will still work and my phone wouldn't, but they said where they live is a 'black hole' for cellular phones.) Anyway, I was VERY HAPPY TO SEE HER AND GET OUT OF THE CAR by the time I found her. Lordy. I was drenched with sweat - either from the heat or nerves or both. It wasn't pretty. I took a nice cold shower. I had a grand time with Vickie. It felt like I was 'home' and it was very relaxing. I loved sitting on her porch listening too the creek across the road and seeing the blue fog of the mountain to the ... hell, I don't know which direction it was! Hahahaha. I heard many new birds and saw a few bugs I wasn't sure of... Vickie and I spent tons of time together in our High School years so being there was just natural. She has always been 'my other half' in the whole yin/yang of life. I adored the doggies and the kitties they have. I slept like a rock in the bed. It was awesome. It was just very PEACEFUL being there. I cannot even begin to explain. I think for the first time in my 58 years on Earth, I was just - well, totally relaxed with my brain. Zen. I had a wonderful time at her Memorial Day party. I was sad for her that not many people came that said they would, but it was still a hoot to listen to her boyfriend play his guitar and sing and the food I am sure was amazing (but I couldn't taste it, dammit) and their friends I met that did come were awesome. Very Very Very fun. I was reluctant to drive home, but I did miss being home. The trip back on Tuesday was WAY faster than the trip down and I didn't stop to pee in every state just to make a point. Coming out of the mountains was AMAZING. You don't realize how high up you are until you come DOWN from being that high up. The decent was beautiful with all the scenery. I was amazed by all the semi trucks that just drove it like it was a flat road! Yikes. I was tickled with the tunnels, too. (I took her some solar lights for her Birthday and had them in my back seat and when I went through the tunnels on the way there they would light up and scare me half to death. Hahahaha.) I also saw a swath of destruction North of Dayton, Ohio. Oh my Lord. Those poor people.I knew there was a tornado before coming through there but even if I had not known, I WOULD HAVE KNOWN! They cleaned the debris off the highway with snowplows!! The area I drove through was just destroyed. Full trees uprooted and just thrown about like toys. My heart goes out to them all. So I did a Brave Girl Thing. I feel almost like it was therapeutic for my brain, to be honest. We forget we can be brave and we just 'exist' sometimes - when in reality we should be being 'brave' to some extent. I won't sky dive mind you, but I will continue to find 'brave' things to do as I get older. I am short and it is not too far from the ground if I fall or fail. Dolly the Boob has decided it is time to have lymphedema. Ugh. They said it might happen when I had my last visit at the cancer center. I watched a bunch of massage videos last night to teach me how to assist with draining Dolly. I will have to add like 10 minutes to my shower time in the morning to go through all the lymph clearing steps one must do. If you see me rubbing myself during the day in an odd sort of ritual, please know I'm just trying to drain a friend so either HELP or turn your head... My heart has been way calmer but Svett the gerbil is still in there. I see a cardiologist on the 20th. One more thing, huh? Whadya gonna do? You keep on keeping on, right? Yes, Yes you do... My heart sonogram came back as a "normal heart" - so at least I don't have to worry about radiation damage to her or a large tumor lurking the background. Now I just have to figure out why Svett is misfiring. You are all jealous, I'm pretty sure...just admit it. June 2, 2019 - I cannot begin to explain my sheer joy the last week or so. Seeing my BFF and relaxing so much and feeling all 'zen' like with her there, to coming home and feeling relaxed and at peace (my therapist said I acted depressed. I told her, "No, I just drove 12+ hours yesterday and I'm feeling my age...") Last night was a concert and I HAD A DAMNED HOOT. My son in law plays in a band called Midwestern Lull. They have quite the fan base in the greater tri-state area. I never "got in to them" since their first CD sounded more country than I like, but I WAS WRONG. Their live concert was fantastic. So So Good! I would go see them again in a heart beat. They do a cover of 'Seven Bridges Road' that just melts you and all the songs they did last night were FANTASTIC. I must have told my poor son in law a million times afterwards that they REALLY need to do a live album. It captures them in an awesome way. It started to rain while they were playing and my daughter offered me a poncho, but I declined. The anti-hormone pills I have to take make me HOT so the rain felt fantastic. After Midwestern Lull was through, there was a thunderstorm warning and the Verve Pipe was put off for about a half hour. I danced in the rain. It was such a fun night. I was actually hoping that I would get struck by lightning as I'm pretty sure that would cure Svett the Gerbil in my heart, but alas - I was not turned in to crispy bacon. I was a drenched, fat old woman having the best time of her life.  When Verve Pipe came
out..... Oh My. Sigh. I have
never seen them in concert, but
I love their music. I was 32
years old when they first hit
the airways. They are a Michigan
band, as well. I liked them a
lot. For 26 years I've wanted to
see them perform live. Another
bucket list item checked!I was right up front and center on the barricade. I was in my ZONE and dancing and sweating and dancing an getting excited with the people to my right and left and dancing and ... well, you get the picture. My poor kids have seen this time and time again - Mom just goes off in her own little world and they accept that and try to keep me from wandering off. I didn't want to wander off last night, I was RIGHT UP FRONT. I am sure the whole band could see this mammoth old woman in front, surrendered to the sound. Near the end of the concert, Brian Vander Ark said, "I think we can take down this barricade... and they did. We all pushed forward right up to the stage. Then the various people in the band came front and center and played to us. It was awesome. The Brian came down and came along the front lines and he reached out and grabbed my head and planted a kiss on my cheek. SQUEALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Seriously - this makes me stop and squeal with glee every time I think of it! Hahahaha. It's the little things. When he stood up I careful put my right hand out and felt his thigh. (I am a pervert, yes? I'm old, not dead.) Hahahahaa. It was also cool when the whole crowd sang back to them "Freshmen" - you could tell the band liked that. Very cool. What a fun fun night. I have found the moments like this are sweeter and more intense since cancer. You can't take life for granted, this is a fact. I am sorry I had to learn it because of stupid cancer, but I am glad I learned it nonetheless. I have always tried to enjoy the little things in life but that feeling of being amazed by small things gets stronger and stronger the older I get. I will, no doubt, in my declining years wander off to chase a butterfly or follow a squirrel and be on the nightly news as "Missing Person of the Day" - but I will be happiest lost person on this planet. June 6, 2019 - I have not worked a full week in a while. This is gonna kill me. My lymphedma is doing well. I guess if anyone needed an excuse to play with their boobs, this is the way to go. Every day I do the lymph liquid clearing routine. Dolly feels much better if I keep up with that routine. Otherwise she becomes an angry, swollen boob. Swollen boobs are not to be trifled with, trust me. I am still on my 'high' from the fun weekend and vacation. It feels good to feel good. I still, however, cannot taste or smell from my bronchitis / sinus infection bout. Sigh. I did get a whiff of fresh cut grass coming home from work when someone was mowing so I know there is hope. I think. I had this once before - where I lost my sense of taste and smell after an illness, but I think that only lasted three weeks. I'm going on week number four... My chiropractor said it is because I had antibiotics and that kills the bacteria I need to taste and smell. I started taking a prebiotic to assist in the fixing of this issue. Wish me luck. It's hard to cook when you can't taste or smell anything. I made salsa twice since this started, and everyone said it was OK, but I had to trust them. I pick food for the texture now. Sigh. You'd think this would help in my efforts to lose weight, wouldn't you? Well, no. Hahaha. I am a stress eater and that works if you can taste food or NOT taste food. The act of eating is apparently a comfort thing, not the taste of what you are shoving into your mouth. We've had so much rain. It is humid. My hair reflects this fact. Any time it is humid, there is no hope for my hair. I go full afro. Sigh. However, I have enough hot flashes to soak it down and keep it in line most of the time. I've stopped trying to figure out what the hell my body is doing to me. I just accept it and run with it... left foot right foot... June 8, 2019 - The dragon flies are out in droves tonight eating up the wee buggies and mosquitoes. Last night when I was mowing the dragon flies flanked me like fighter jets, waiting for me to throw up juicy, tasty treats. The purple martins also escort you and when one mows around these parts, one is never alone. The martins are capable of some fantastic aerial maneuvers that will ALWAYS fascinate me. Such precision flyers! At dusk the bats come out and do their part to clean up the mosquitoes, too. Bless them all. Can you imagine how many mosquitoes there would be without these handy helpers? Lordy. We had TWO DAYS WITHOUT RAIN! A victory of sorts. We are due for more rain tonight, but TWO DAYS WITHOUT RAIN - we'll take it! The 'wetening' has gone on long enough. (Listen to me, we'll end up in a drought this summer and I'll be whining because it hasn't rained! Stupid Humans!) I still can't taste/smell, but 'whiffs' of things are increasing. I really should research this issue... There, I just did. There may be hope. I miss smelling things more than tasting things, but the two functions go hand in hand. I will continue to be positive. (Just a side note, you can 'remember' tasting/smelling things if you try hard enough. Bacon is forever etched in my memory and on occasion I can conjure up the thought that I can SMELL it out of nowhere. Chocolate is another ingrained in my brain that will haunt me from time to time. Oooooooooo! Chocolate Bacon!! Jake the Dog will not let me cut his nails. He hates people to touch his feet. I have to wait until he's is in a deep sleep to even get one good clip of a nail in. The other night he slept through me clipping all toe nails on his front left paw!! I WAS SO HAPPY. I've never gotten a whole paw done! When I get a new puppy, I'm going to start trimming his nails right away so they are not scared of it, even if it is just going through the motions at first. (He won't let ANYONE cut his nails - the last pet tech that tried got her arms torn up something fierce.) June 17, 2019 - I want to say it feels like 100% humidity outside. This is why I'm not a weather girl. It is only 85% humid outside. See? Not as bad as my hair says it is, although it still feels like you are parting the Red Sea to get to your car. The weekend was uneventful, although I did get to see my boys when they came to have Father's Day dinner with us. They entertain me to no end. Both are very smart and funny. (I may be prejudiced in this thought.) My oldest is growing a 'microbrewery guy' beard. Smile. (I am categorizing all males who work in or run a micro brewery as having those long, fluffy beards. This is no doubt racist to them, but I'm just calling them as I sees them.) He's more in the Amish stage of his beard growth at this point. Full MicroBrewBeardDude is to down the road a few weeks. I have been having a hot flash now for five days that has been ever present and doesn't go away. I don't have a fever - I've checked. I'm just HOT. (Yeah, Baby. That's right). I've decided that for the rest of my life I have not choice in how I feel or look. My 'day of the dead' lip lines increase - the bags under my eyes get baggier. I am pretty sure the whole global warming thing is MY FAULT, too. Sigh. Inside I feel adorable and pretty and alive and youthful. Outside - well, whadya gonna do? I see the heart doctor on Thursday to find out about my Heart Gerbil. Stay tuned. Lordy - just restart the damned thing. Shock the Gerbil, as Peter Garbriel might say. It is MUCH better than it was but the gerbil is still in there. I've not had a normal heart beat since the end of radiation. Increasing my B vitamins and C have helped dramatically, however. I just want one month - ONE MONTH - where something isn't falling off, exploding, or festering. (Do you hear that Dolly? DO YOU HEAR ME??) Sigh. I will quit bitching. I'm still on this side of the soil, right? All is well. Age means nothing. This too shall pass. Who needs a normal sized breast or a heart, anyway? Death is imminent, so just enjoy the ride... June 24, 2019 - Heart Doctor Update. It was short and sweet. "You have PAC. You're fine. Many people have PAC. Come back in 6 months." OK, maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit. He did show me my Holter monitor results. There were pages and pages of my heart beats. He showed me where I pre-fired. When he listed to my heart he could hear it pre-fire. I told him how I felt like if I got electrocuted, it would help. He advised against it but he smiled a little and almost agreed. He said there are drugs they can give you - beta blockers - that slow the heart and even out the beats, but neither one of us wanted to go there. I don't need to slow down the heart. I need the gerbil to move out. He said to stop drinking coffee. (Um, what?) Stress only adds to the gerbil effect as well. So in other words. what this is is what it's gonna be for the rest of my days on Earth. Oh well. Could be worse, huh? Svett the Gerbil and me...(I can see a kids book coming soon.) I will have to embrace my gerbil. Maybe that will be my first tattoo... a gerbil on my chest. I would find it funny. However, I can't tattoo my chest because Dolly is being a douche and going all swollen on me. I am calling the Cancer Center this morning because I've not heard back on the therapy for her. I can only manhandle myself so much. I need professionals. Got the lawn mowed Friday night, but I was also very 'lonely' and texted my neighbors begging for beer and company. They came through with both. It was a hoot - I needed the fun and I needed to be around people. (I didn't do much Saturday, mind you, but Friday night was fantastic.) How lucky am I to have friends that will respond like that when I'm in dire need of mental support? It is a marvelous thing. "I need Miller Lite, Stat!' Ron was all over it. Yesterday was grocery shopping and house cleaning and such. Nothing too exciting. Made Pad Thai with chicken for supper. I still can't taste anything so cooking is a crap shoot. I just use my years of spicing experience to gauge the spice. I should have made it hotter - I can at least 'feel' the burn in very spicy food. It had a lovely texture, however. I had ice cream last weekend it was creamy feeling - smooth. What the hell the flavor was, I have no idea... June 29, 2019 - I took a 'selfie' on my phone and thought it looked pretty good for an old lady so I used it as my profile picture on Facebook. Then I posted this:  "I
had another epiphany last night
and will share (because you are at
the mercy of following me on
Facebook and all…)
After a certain age, I believe all photos of people my age should be taken by an aerial drone. I will insist on that for my upcoming 40th class reunion. Example: My Profile Picture looks like I have no ‘Day of the Dead’ lines on my upper lip (that are really there and deep enough to hold a small town’s worth of water for six months) and you cannot see the multitude of double chins I have worked so hard on with stress eating over the last 10 years). Looking up for a photo allows time’s bodily ravages to slide backward to help create the illusion of being only 38 – 45. I like this. I really like this. To my friends who drink Dos
Equis – stay thirsty my
friends. Smile." I need to make an appointment with my therapist because the last week has found me in a hyper-active mental state. I've been enjoying it thoroughly but I know I will 'crash' soon. I have gotten SO MUCH DONE at work it is scary. I've had poems falling out of me at night. I've had unbounded energy. I've been efficient. I've typed so well that I have not had to use spell check!! Sigh. This is all AFTER I've cut back on coffee due to what the heart doctor advised. Even with much less caffeine, I've been all 'zoom zoom' ... I have been loving this feeling - but like I said - I know there is a crash coming. Less than a month until my 40th class reunion. This is the last one I'm organizing. It was my own fault for getting drunk at the 20th and volunteering. Now I will pass the duties on to another unsuspecting alcoholic... July 14, 2019 - I have not blogged in a while. There are reasons. My main reason is I think no one listens to me and why should I force my thoughts on people who don't listen. This is not other people's fault. I have been talking to my husband for 39 years and he rarely 'hears' me. I hope I don't need emergency medical attention some day - it will fall on deaf ears and he will find me dead in a corner somewhere and say, "Oh, did you need something?" People at work laugh at my humor but they don't 'hear' me nor care for my opinions. Hours of work documented to explain issues will always just be dormant in a database somewhere. I have been feeling rather down for a bit. I am all sure we feel that way from time to time. I have just decided it is best all around if I just SHUT UP for a bit. My therapist has to listen to me, as she is being paid to do so. (If you want her address to send her sympathy cards, let me know.) So I think July will be my quiet month. Y'all go off and have a good rest of the month. I have a lot going on - in two weeks I have my 40th class reunion. This is the last reunion I am planning for them and will hand the job off to someone else. My BFF is flying up to stay with me for a week, so no doubt we'll be off on adventures, causing mayhem like the old days (just possibly slower than we used to be.) See you in August! July 18, 2019 - I am over my pity party. I sat out and watched the sunset last night and it was just stunning. (My friend Ken used to say beautiful sunsets were just the result of horrid pollution, but still, it was so beautiful) and I watched all the bats and dragon flies eating mosquitoes. All living things have a purpose, even if it is to feed another living thing, I suppose. I thought about my friend Tim, who in high school had a poster of Garfield in his room that said, "Everyone is entitled to a bout of self pity" and I laughed to myself. This is true. We all get sad and down. I have been sad and down for some time. I have to learn not to be, is all. So what if no one listens, that is OK. I still have 'myself' and I'm a hoot. I am if I was screaming and making a fuss at some particular moment such as "LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRUCK!" or "RUN, SAVE YOURSELF, LET THE WOLVES (or Zombies) EAT ME..." that people will probably listen. I can take solace in that. August 4, 2019 - Wow, the last few weeks have been just GRAND. Where to start? First of all, my BFF flew up here to stay with me and go to our 40th class reunion. IT WAS SO FUN. I miss her terribly and it was so nice to sit in the dog pen in the morning and drink our coffee listening to the quiet - or the birds - or the sandhill cranes who are back in my yard - or love on Steve and Lucy and Sophie, the neighbor dogs. Plus it was relaxing to sit in the dog pen at night waiting for the solar lights to come on and just discuss life and solve all worlds problems. I think, though, what we did was solve some of our OWN problems and I will treasure that forever. How I was lucky enough to get such a wonderful BFF, I'll never know. We are Snoopy and Woodstock. The reunion was SO SO FUN!! It was SO FUN AND I LAUGHED SO HARD!! I was full of love and joy and reminiscing. I won't even attempt to express how wonderful it was at this time. It was just fantastic - really. I handed the reigns to two other classmates. I have done three - I am done. Next one I'm just going and sitting and enjoying everyone. My week and half away from work was RELAXING as well. They called once for an issue but it was justified. I didn't mind working on the problem at all. All in all - I couldn't have asked, ordered, or demanded a better last few weeks. Contented sigh.... However, it comes down to the fact that they pulled in my six month cancer check scan to next week...I have been in pain and the doctor didn't like what she felt. If I have to start this all again - I'm having Dolly and Delilah taken off this time. They are not in use anyway. If this happens the only thing I will miss in the storage unit of my cleavage - where will I put all my snot rags and reading glasses?? Hahahaha. Ugh.  August 6,
2019 - I just let Jake out to pee and
noticed one lone firefly trying his poor best to
get a lady before the last call of sunrise.
Kudos to him. Never give up. I also see I had
another moon flower morning glory that bloomed
last night and I missed it. I have been so
fascinated by these evening glories that I will
sit out in 105 degree heat indexes to watch them
bloom. (That time I forced my poor neighbors to
sit with me until they were incinerated by the
heat. Sorry, guys.) The first one I had measured
5.5 inches across! They smell divine! I wish
they had a perfume that smelled like that. (I'm
sure they do, but I don't go around looking for
new bottled scents often...) I got rogue seeds
in a pack of seeds my cousin Kathy sent me - and
have enjoyed these so much. However, why does a
flower want to bloom at night? What could
possibly pollinate these beauties besides bats?
Maybe it's bats.... The local pharmacy finally had shingles shots in and I went in for my first one yesterday afternoon. They said there would be pain at the injection site. They were correct. I may get a fever. We'll see. All I know is I saw several of my friends suffer through shingles and I decided I didn't want to go through that and decided to get shot. The shots have been in high demand and scare 'round these parts. The first day back to work was good. Lots and Lots to catch up on but it was a relaxed panic sort of thing. This last vacation did me a world of good. I can't wait until tomorrow afternoon when I know what is going on with my breasts, though. The waiting is worse than surgery and radiation combined, ya know? I am convinced it just fat bumps that have developed due to my recent binge eating of mass amounts of carbs. Sometimes one must go off the deep end on cravings and just give in to the noodles and bagels... Stay hydrated my friends - here, DRINK THIS WATER!!  MY FAT BUMPS BRING ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD, BABY!!! WOOT August 14, 2019 - The lady I get homemade soap from brought me a present! Bath Bombs in celebration of my 6 month cancer free check up. How adorable. BOOBIE BATH BOMBS! i  I
can't wait to use them!! They are 'Summer
Rain' scented. We are getting summer rain right
now with thunder boomers and lightning. Woot. We
needed the rain. This weekend will be fun. We will go to the 'Here Come the Mummies' concert and I CAN'T WAIT! A family outing every year since they started performing locally. It is always a hoot. My neighbors are going and I have my best friend from elementary and her husband coming and my 'other' son and his wife are coming. *I may need bail money.... August 21, 2019 - Lordy - this month has FLOWN by! We had a grand time at Here Come the Mummies concert last Friday night. What a hoot!  I love it
when the whole family gathers for this event. We
also had my youngest son's best friend and his
wife, my oldest son's best friend and his wife and
our neighbors and my dear friends from Cincinnati!
Quite the herd we were! The lead in band was
fantastic as well. It rained during the Mummies
concert and during (what turned out to be there
last song) there was a streak of lightning across
the sky and THAT WAS ALL SHE WROTE. I was soaked
and happy and it was a grand night. I picked up my
free cooler that I won from Bell's and made my
youngest carry it to the car. It is 33 pounds
EMPTY! It is huge. We all agreed you could get
most of a body in there - maybe just not the
torso....hahahaha.It has been very humid - pea soup foggish humid...gee your hair looks like you were electrocuted humid... I guess we're in for a break coming up and I will appreciate it greatly. I am not fond of heat. Never was. The thought of living in Florida is one of my nightmares. Smile. If I ever do feel cold - I know I'm getting sick. A sure sign. I have my fan on at work all year long. I kind of blame the anti-hormone pills I have to take to keep hormonal cancer at bay. Every time I take one of those I am guaranteed a huge hot flash. I think I am become a snail - leaving a trail of sweat where ever I go... August 26, 2019 - The last few weekends have left me feeling rather refreshed. The time off feels longer than just a few days. It is GRAND! Why, I wonder? It was ever so much cooler this weekend - no humidity at all - no ungodly heat. I am goovin' on that. However, September always seems to slip in a week or so of evil hot flash weather, so I'm not getting TOO excited yet on a total cool down. We are supposed to be able to see the Northern Lights tomorrow and Wednesday from a blast of solar wind, but of course it will be cloudy as all get out here, I am sure. Any phenomenal sky watching possibility is normally obscured by Mother Nature in these parts. I have seen auroras here before - some were just awesome, so I'm not complaining but I am, sort of... I am a sucker for cosmic lights of any sort. My cousin has been taking awesome photos of the milky way. Just amazing. If you want me to get in your van, show me something shiny.... I feel the urge to start tearing down my fairy gardens soon. This is quite the ordeal. Putting them up in spring is fun for me. Taking them down near fall - not so much. There are several plants in the fairy gardens that would grow well inside but I have no place to put them!! I need a green house attached to the house... It would be MUCH easier if there were REAL fairies out in there decorating and maintaining their OWN residences so we could cut out the middle man (me). So far none have replied to my adds on line... August 29, 2019 - Oh, my - I had a fit of rage at work on Tuesday. I won't go in to details, but it got me so riled I left work and finished my business day from home. I think sometimes that all those years at the same company can lead to 'fits of rage' from time to time. When you see stupid or see stuff that has happened again and again and again and again...well, it bubbles to the surface. I felt better after a long night's sleep on Tuesday night. However, my anger scared me. I was MAD. The first thing I think is, 'I'm older, so now I'm becoming a grumpy old person??" I can see how that happens now. The more time under your belt you have on this Earth, YOU DO GET GRUMPY!! You want to own a taser and USE IT. You want to carry a bat AND USE IT. You want to grease up your feet and PLACE THEM.... Being Human is a challenge, to say the least. It is 54 degrees out and I have the front and back door screens open and I can feel the cool flowing in like a river on the floor and it feels good. Now. If this were November and I had the doors and windows open, I'm sure I'd be complaining about it ("Close that door! We're not heating the whole neighborhood!!"). Oh, how a frame of mind or the time of the year makes all the difference..... One of the pills I take to NOT get the type of cancer I had again gives me a SUPER hot flash about a half hour after taking it. To all the older women out there - I am sure you all remember SUPER hot flashes where you felt like you'd faint and your face burned with the white hot intensity of a 1000 suns. I get one a day now. I am not complaining. That is why God made fans with a HIGH SPEED option, after all. Just - wow. I have always over heated all my life, even when I was thinner. (You would think with as much heat as I put out that I would constantly smell like fried bacon at this point. Sigh.) ((Maybe that is why the doors are open when it is 54 degrees out, now that I ponder it...)) I am looking forward to the longer weekend. Why? We get to hang out with our cool neighbors on Saturday, for one. I have awesome neighbors. I can't even begin to tell you how awesome my neighbors are. They accept me for who I am and that is a gift. It is hard to tolerate Sandy at times, I'm sure. I am plump and unfiltered. I am sure I am a challenge for anyone who knows me. (To my Kids, you are stuck with me!) So when people accept me and tolerate me well and welcome my to their home and yard and life, I feel LOVED. It is truly a gift. I do not take these things for granted. So to all of you out there that love me - I am ever so thankful. Now get off my lawn.... September 2, 2019 - It has been a fun weekend so far. All my kids were in the nest for a while on Saturday. I love it when my adult kids are in a room together as they are so entertaining and funny and they spew forth things from their mouths that make me feel proud as a Mom. After our family herding, my oldest went over to our neighbors with us for a party on the patio. I was relaxing and fun. Ron made me a fire near the porch and it was just a fun fun night. Our one neighbor had a friend come over and I swear he called him Fred. However, Fred was really Brad and now Brad will always be Fred because I bellowed that name out through the neighborhood that I'm sure any 'Fred' in the greater tri-state area cocked there head in shock. I think I've never related the story about work and bouncy balls. I love bouncy balls. The bigger ones. When I was little, I adored balls to play with. Kind of like the whole 'Wilson' thing and Tom Hanks - I would draw faces on them and play with them, invent personalities for them, sometimes throwing them up on the roof and honing my catching skills. Colorful bouncy balls make me happy. (I love helium balloons as well, but with the helium shortage I fear there won't be enough to have a mass balloon launch at my funeral, but I won't worry about that now.) I bought 30 dollars worth of bouncy balls and took them to work to lob at co-workers when I felt the need. This didn't last long and they came up missing. I have not clue who took them or why. This made me very sad. Who would take five or six big bouncy balls? Really? The network guys never lose their balls that they play basketball with in their office and shake the whole end of our building. I feel targeted. I should maybe bring in six more full of dog crap or inflate them with knock out gas to see if they get taken this time... Ugh. I took all my personal stuff home and don't plan on having anything cherished at work anymore. This is why I can't have nice things... I thought of posting a BOLO on my balls in the break room, but what good with that do. I'm sure someone just stabbed them to death in a dark alley to get back at me for some undisclosed reason. I would rather they had stabbed me. (This would, no doubt, make a good show on Netflix now that I ponder it...) September 8, 2019 - A quite and peaceful Sunday morning. The weather is cool and mild. We've had a family of geese hanging out in the back yard. They have 'stand offs' with the sandhill crane couple. This morning the 10+ geese were yelling at my sandhill cranes from the neighbor's yard - and yelling loudly. The cranes seemed quite un-phased by all of this. The female even took a nap on the ground during all this ruckus while the male preened himself and ignored the geese. The geese eventually gave up and the cranes walked up to get their ear of corn. Lordy, I do love birds. Last night my sons went with me to see Verve Pipe in concert. I appreciate this to no end. We had a wonderful dinner first then farted around until the concert doors opened. Hanging with your Mom has to be boring as all get out for adult males but they managed to hold up well. I made them go right up front to the stage (which is good because there was an air conditioning vent right above us. I still managed to sweat to death as I always do anyway...) Amazing concert. The poor lead singer almost tripped over an amplifier avoiding me because I'm pretty sure he remembered me from the last concert. Hahahaha. No lead singers were mauled last night.... I did however dance with the bass player and it was just an amazing time. I was raising kids when they were first popular so I never did see them during their start up years in concert. I am extremely happy they are still playing together after almost 30 years! I am also happy my kids accept me for who I am and 'deal with it' - of course, they don't know any better no, do they? Considering the most common expression my friends use to describe me is 'crazy' I prefer to think of it as 'being very alive' and my kids seem understand that I am what I am and they go with it. (They can lament their angst about me in private at a later time.) A lady down the way from us at the concert (who wasn't dancing or 'getting in to it' like I was finally said, "You're having so much fun!" and I said, "Hell yeah!" and she finally loosened up and enjoyed herself as well. I have been blessed to be totally oblivious to the the people around me who may or may not judge me throughout my life. Truly, this is a blessing. I've never actually tried to be anything but me because deep down I am almost naive about the fact that I may be being judged. I don't really care. If the song moves me, I sing it. If I want to dance, I dance. If something strikes me a beautiful, I loudly announce it to anyone around me. I go up to complete strangers to rave about their cool shoes or their cool hair. I can't stop being me and I have no want to stop being me, actually. Sandy is what she is... Bless my kids for loving me nonetheless. I mowed the lawn all by myself yesterday. It was so peaceful just mowing. I had headphones on and listened to music the whole time. I should push mow the areas I need to today, but that will be later. It is starting to cloud up. I couldn't mow Friday night because it was raining. If I wait long enough today maybe I'll be able to get out of push mowing, too. (Yes, I'm looking for an excuse not to do it.) I did decide today that no matter what reason I went in to any room, that I had to clean one thing in that room. (That way I will feel I did something practical today.) Of course, if you clean ONE THING the things around said 'thing' needs cleaning. This could easily cascade out of my control... September 18, 2019 - We had 'active shooter' training at work yesterday. (That previous sentence sounds like they were training us to be an active shooter, but you know what I mean.) A sobering meeting. It is a sad situation that you have to have this sort of review in the workplace. Bloodborne pathogen training, I understand, but active shooters? Sigh. Sad. When I was a teenager I never wanted kids "because the world is just awful and I don't want to bring kids into this world" but then I discovered beer and sex and BAM, kids - and this is the world I brought them in to and I am ever so sad about that for their sake. As the years go by, humans get more confused and sicker in the head and it is just scary to think about. It won't be long before Earth sneezes a good one and throws us off of her, I bet. Earth is over due for a good head cold. Did you ever notice how anger and violence makes you feel angry and violent? Odd, that. This has always perplexed me. If someone is angry and upset and being loud and obnoxious it tends to bring the immediate herd around them to that emotional level as well. Like a wild pack of rabid monkeys, we humans. Speaking of scary situations... At work, I heard my friend and coworker Judy choking. I know that sound - it's happened to me several times - that high pitch panic sound we make when humans want to breathe but can't - so I ran around the corner and there she was all red faced and I asked, "Are you choking" and she nodded her head. I got behind her and started the Heimlich maneuver. Rob came up about then and saw what was happening and said, 'Let me do it' as he is taller than her and stronger than me. He "umphed" her several times and she was still choking so Rob calmly said, "Call 911" and as I was running to my office to do so, I heard her say, "I think I'm OK".... PHEW. She was taking her vitamins and one went down the 'wrong' hole as we say. I am glad she in not dead. Rob was a good Heimlicher. He got her clean off the ground. I bet Judy is feeling it in the diaphragm but better that than being dead. The only thing 'good' about that was the fact that I now know how I would act in an emergency like that. One always ponders that in their head. My 'winter' stars are coming back around. I love the summer night sky because you get the Milky Way view and such, but I also love the winter stars I can see. I love stars. I love looking up (unless, of course, you happen to be under a herd of birds fresh from a Taco Bell dumpster). I dream of someday seeing this sky of mine without any light pollution around. It would be magnificent and I'd cry and probably faint from the joy of it. Next month I will be 59 years old. I don't mind that at all. I love how the brain handles age; how it moves memories here and there (and loses a lot of them, as well) and compacts your data center down to chunks of data that can be opened up at a moments notice by a smell reminiscent of your youth or the sound of something from your past. I have truly enjoyed my brain. Many people on my Mother's side of the family have suffered dementia and if eventually I go that path, I will surely be entertained by all the chunks of useless data I've store away. (Example, there are some plastics we run at work where it will remind me of a freshly opened pack of green army men when I was a kid.) My son sent our family Facebook message group a link to glitter wall paper you can buy. Then he said, "If we could do this in some kind of holographic style we could keep mom in just one room!" Bwahahahaha. I would be content in a room full of holographic stuff and shiny things, now wouldn't I, and it is good they are planning for my eventual mental demise. Hahahaha. September 22, 2019 - It dawned on me this morning that Rocko the Cat is actually Gollum (from Lord of the Rings). He let me pet him this morning for nearly ten minutes while he was up on his perch waiting for food. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. He was so SWEET. I was suspicious but I petted him with gusto. He even drooled. (He eventually shook his head and got cat spit all over me, but hey - HE LET ME PET HIM.) Most of the time he is the evil Gollum and hates me and doesn't want attention and doesn't like his food and avoids interaction with EVERYTHING but this morning he was Smeagol and very loving. Like I said, it only lasted ten minutes. A first. I'll take it. I miss having a cat that will get in your lap and let you mindlessly pet it. Tat is relaxing. I miss the bonding between human and feline. I've had many cats over the years and I adored them and they adored me. Rocko, however, is a former city kitty and it has taken him several years to even tolerate me as a living creature. I won't get another cat (of course, you always have to get TWO kittens when you get cats to keep each other entertained) until Rocko has shuffled off this mortal coil. It wouldn't be fair to him and I personally couldn't stand the caterwauling from him yelling at the 'newbies' in the house. We will let Rocko reign as the only King cat in the house until he reigns no more. (Then I'm going full cat lady, damnit. You aren't supposed to go full cat lady - but I'm a doin' it!) Today I go up north to see my niece and her family and my sister. It will be a nice drive. It is supposed to rain, but driving in rain has it relaxing aspects (unless everyone is driving like idiots in said rain and you are in defensive mode the whole time.) I took Friday off as a 'Sandy' day and I only really did one 'Sandy' thing - I got my hair played with. I am a hair whore, as you well know by now. I will pay for it, baby. Nothing is more relaxing that having your hair touched and pulled and styled and such. My head is a mass of curls and it tangles (and I believe it is actually a portal to another universe to be honest) so it is SO WONDERFUL to have someone take the time to touch it. I think that was my worst fear when the cancer came around - if I had to have chemo, I'd lose my hair - and THEN what would I do? I was blessed though and kept my hair and will continue my hair whoring ways until I meet someone that will brush my hair for an hour for no good reason. (Oh, and call me by my name - that is a rare thing as well. I hardly ever hear my name used in everyday conversations.) The rest of the day Friday, after my hair appointment I just went into 'auto' mode and my brain sat back and read a book while I did chores around the house. I didn't turn on music, I didn't even think about what I was doing - I just shut down and let my elemental gut instincts kick in and do what they felt needed doing. That in itself was relaxing. I washed bedding. I cleaned. All the while I didn't even ponder ANYTHING. A wonderful break from life, and hey - clean sheets to boot. Saturday I washed all of the small rugs in the house and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors. This is a small, shitty house. Cleaning it only makes me happy because you really can't tell that it was indeed cleaned, except for the full vacuum canister. I do not begrudge the house. Wonderful kids were raised here. It kept us out of storms. The cement brick under the siding ensures a good nights sleep because you can't HEAR ANYTHING, even tornadoes and trains. The four horsemen of the apocalypse could land on my roof and have a dance party and I'd be none the wiser... but I digress... I cleaned yesterday and I sweat like a race horse and it was kind of fun. Another 'mindless' section of time where I thought of very little except the occasional inkling that the 5 metric tons of space debris that falls to Earth everyday ends up in my bathroom.... September 28, 2019 - There are many walnut trees around these parts and this morning I counted 15 squirrels of all colors burying walnuts for the winter all over my whole yard. I assume that is what they are doing... it could be some form of cult ritual that I'm not aware of... I am pretty sure they forget where they put them all as we end up lobbing walnuts into each other's lawns in the spring at the first mow. It was a long week in my mind. I'm sure it was a good week, as I lived through it, but it wore on my like a lead weight. Next week will be better. You can only go up from down. If not, there is always therapists. Sunday night they are spraying in multiple counties in Michigan for mosquitoes. We've had an outbreak of Eastern equine encephalitis in these parts. Humans and animals have died. That virus has been recorded for almost 200 years, when humans first named it. Chances are it has been around forever. They've also found tuberculous in the deer population as well. Mother Nature is trying to tell us something. She's saying, "GET OFF MY PLANET!" I don't blame her, really. I made pumpkin bread last night and will make banana bread tomorrow. (The network boys had a bunch of bananas getting brown in their office. I volunteered to use them in bread. This cooler weather brings out the Susie Homemaker in me.) Today I see my sons in honor of my oldest son's 39th Birthday, so I felt they needed some form of treat as well, hence the pumpkin bread. I have a hankering to make goulash and chili and the like as well. Good meals for cooler nights. October 1, 2019 - Over the weekend it was quite fall like which inspired me to make pumpkin bread, banana bread, and a pot of chili. Yesterday, however, decided to go full summer again - temps in the 80s. Michigan weather is bi-polar and it is off her meds, as always. It is always hot around my oldest son's Birthday. I could bet money on it... It rarely disappoints. The fruit flies around these parts are also at maximum annoyance. Inhaling a mouthful should be considered bonus protein. The last decade or so surrounding fields have been planted with watermelons. At the end of the season it becomes a fruit fly type 'Woodstock' event. I have bowls of vinegar with a few drops of dish soap sitting out and I clean them out every night to gloat over my fruit fly death count. (I am sure God perceives humans the same way...hence the flood...) I also took down my hummingbird feeder last night since I couldn't SEE the feeder anymore, just a herd of some kind of wasp. I know it wasn't honey bees or I would have left it out. So for the rest of the night there were literally 50 or so bees/wasps frantically looking for their sugar supply. (There were 15 dead in my feeder as well.) I also went around the house spraying for stink bugs with my trusty spray bottle full of dish soap and water. Many lost their lives. I was on a rampage last night...I will burn in bug hell. My poor cousin is in the hospital with injuries sustained in a bicycle accident. Ouch. Broken ribs/broken shoulder blade. He is the most healthy cousin I know of and it doesn't seem fair he was taken down by a bike. I want my next hospital stay to be caused by something more flamboyant - like falling off a building in Chicago from several stories and bouncing down the street or twisting my ankle in one of the many mole holes around my yard. Either way, I'd try to land in a very dramatic position for the EMTs. My depressional funk I was in (I think 'depressional' is a new word. I claim it) has eased. Finally. I'm pretty sure that even as a woman who is DONE with the whole cycle thing, you STILL have CYCLES. Pretty damned sure. Or at least your brain does. I talk to my brain, Brian, a lot. He has been NO HELP as of late. He is ignoring me. When I pray, he diverts my thoughts to tomorrow's dinner. When I meditate he inserts in short clips of things I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO PONDER. Maybe that is what happens when you get older - your brain goes one way and you go another. Breaking up is hard to do. I will keep reaching out to Brian. I can't stand not being able to talk to him anymore, the stubborn ass, but he's MY stubborn ass - so I shall continue to try. I wasn't going to put up any Halloween decorations in my house but my friend Kathy said, "At least put up a pumpkin..." so I did. Most of my Halloween stuff is now out. I was so down last week that I thought I'd never decorate again. She was right - putting up festive stuff makes one feel better. I still don't want to go full decorating at work. I doubt anyone appreciates it anyway. I did do a little decorating in my own office, though. Look at me all holiday-ish like. I woke up at 4:15 a.m. this morning because I had to pee, and I decided to stay up. This will be a long day. I am normally up at 5:20 anyway. What's one hour of sleep? Brian was showing a film/dream of a meteor shower which was awesome, but bladder trumps cool dreams. October 4, 2019 - It is 46 degrees out! I love it! This (to me) is shorts weather. I love cooler weather and dark, overcast skies. It makes me happy. I'm pretty sure I am the only one thrilled about this weather in these parts. The power company is replacing our electrical poles (apparently - since we all have a nice new pole laying in our yards). I wanted to text my neighbor and say, "My pole is bigger than yours!" but I didn't want to anger Ron. Smile. I think I'm mowing tonight, so I will have to mow around said wooden pole. It is also tempting to paint pictures on it before they set it up or cover it with glitter. My options are endless. October 5, 2019 - Mowing is complete. The grass was HIGH and I left many mini-bales all over. Blobs of grass that accent the finely landscaped lawn. (Bwahahaha - I make myself laugh.) I did not artistically attack the power pole, I just mowed around it. This morning you could see my dog's breath when he barked outside. I would assume it is cold outside. Right now it is 44 degrees so at 6 a.m. it must have been a bit cooler when he was barking. I hate the thought of firing up the furnace because I like this weather but... to me it signals defeat - giving in to authority. We will postpone this date as long as possible. My fat will keep me warm until then... My cousin is home recovering, but there is no way that poor dude won't need surgery to put him back together. He is a candidate glue and duct tape. His x-rays look like a puzzle pieces in a damaged box that was in a terrible earthquake upside down. The only good thing about surgery is the drugs - the 'mini' vacations you get whilst under. The pain part sucks, of course. I have crap to pull up in the yard and haul to the burn pile today. I best get my buttocks in gear. Crap isn't gonna move itself. October 12, 2019 - It must be duck hunting season. I hear duck calls from the swamps around us. Piss poor duck calls, however. If I was a duck flying over I wouldn't pay it any mind. Unless ducks think like, "Hey guys - is that Bob? He sounds bad - we're going down to see if we can help!" "Can I have his boots if he doesn't make it?" You know, that sort of thing, but really - I have no clue how ducks think... I highly suggest the guys using the duck calls - keep your day jobs. It was 35 degrees when I woke up. Even my mass of fat was cold. (Not in the house, mind you - 35 degrees outside.) Time to fire up the furnace. Take no prisoners and such. Damn the torpedoes...light the pilot light, for God's sake!! My birthday was fun. My best friend called me in the morning which made my day right there! Hearing her voice was the best present ever! She sounded so full of life that it gave me hope for the day. People at work made it fun and I got such cool gifts. People were good to me. Judy made me cookies and Amy made me blueberry cobbler and Celia brought me a doughnut. (I ate enough sugar on Wednesday to put half the United States into a sugar coma. That wasn't fun the next day and it makes you feel crappy when you've been trying to avoid sugar for a long time. At the time, all the treats people brought me were consumed quickly and with gusto.) Deb got me lotions and fancy soap, so at least I smelled good while I was having a diabetic seizure.  My boss got me a present
which was unheard of - he doesn't get his
people gifts. He knew I had been depressed
at work because I discussed it with him and
he has been worried about me. When I got
these socks I squealed like pig and
immediately put them on in front of him. He
laughed hard. "I think I made you happy!"
"Yes, Yes you did!" I ran around the front
offices showing everyone my socks. I didn't
put shoes on for a long time. I am pretty
sure this was a violation of all things HR,
but I didn't care. LOOK AT MY SOCKS!!
What is one more notation in my permanent
record?? He told me later in the day it was good to see me smile again. I didn't realize I wasn't smiling. I took a survey of coworkers. Apparently I've not been my bubbly self. Maybe the answer to all things in life are cool socks. Took me 59 years to figure this one out... Duh. I know I've been depressed. I mention it here because people/humans GET DEPRESSED. If you don't try to deal with it, it gets worse. I love my brain, but sometimes it goes on direction when I want to go another. I am an advocate for proper mental health - really. What most people don't realize is they are not alone in their situation - they could reach out and get help. (According to my girlish figure, I reach out to food as well...) Smile. Sometimes getting from one day to the next requires immense inner strength. I feel your pain if you are going through this. At least I am blessed to still be able to enjoy the little things even if I'm dealing with sadness. I think that keeps me going sometimes. When I was coming home from work the other night, a squirrel was in the road eating a nut. HE DID NOT MOVE. I ended up stopping (no one was on the road at the time.) The little shit kept eating his nut and DID NOT MOVE. I was laughing at him as he ate his nut and he was just staring at me. That is a dedicated squirrel on a mission and I am pretty sure he flipped me off, too... You can't be sad when a squirrel is acting cocky. October 17, 2019 - It dawned on me this last week that I've been very fortunate to dodge many bullets in my past. Most of them I didn't even know I was in the line of fire until after the fact. I look over my shoulder (mentally) and realize how LUCKY I was in millions of circumstances the last 59 years. Wow. Just Wow. Somebody 'up there' likes me or isn't ready for me to dive head first into any abyss of stupid and drown in it and has given me enough foresight to know to reach for the edge when I've slipped into said hole. Seriously - I could tell you stories. Sigh. Ugh. Being human is hard. I find myself massaging my former cancer boob, Dolly, a lot. Sometimes I do it without thinking. I can't imagine what people think but I guess I don't care. She has to be kept from getting hard and moving the lymph fluid around is the only way. I've always taken comfort from my chest - storing things in my cleavage like a purse and sticking my hand in my bra like I was Napoleon while I work...etc. I suppose by now I don't shock anyone that knows me, really. I am blessed that I still have them, really. The frost has finally killed off my moon flower vines. Now I wait for the seed pods to incubate. I really liked that thing! The flowers were awesome. I have 20 blossoms on there now but they will just freeze and fall off. I have enjoyed them to no end. They smell divine but I researched and I would highly recommend not eating them or rubbing the sticky stuff in your eye. My life has been utterly boring and if you come here for entertainment, I apologize profusely. Finding sequins in random places on the floor from my shiny slippers is as exciting as it gets 'round these parts as of late. I will have a burst of fun the end of the month when the kids come in for the Birthday Bonfire Extravaganza, I'm sure. Those kids entertain me to no end. I must admit, I have some pretty awesome offspring. October 19, 2019 - It is Saturday morning. I wanted to sleep in. Sleeping in is not possible with a 59 year old bladder. At 6 a.m. I rolled over and got a lovely french kiss from Jake the Dog and began the process of waking up. As I was stretching my limbs my mind said, "Did you ever consider conspiracy theorists?" I replied, "I have thought of them, yes." I also thought, "Where the hell did that come from?" I then went through the following mental process before I even got out of bed... Conspiracies come up when someone is #1 - being an joker and seeing how many people they can get to follow along with the charade so later they can scream JUST KIDDING or #2 - are Amway participants. People latch on to a thought and maybe they DO believe it 100% and mention it to another friend and the friend, who is lonely or drifting in this life, feels a spark of hope to believe as this other person and it explodes exponentially. Pyramid thoughts. I am sure it works this way with all religions and ISIS and cults... "But everyone needs some form of hope" my brain injected. THAT was my first waking thought this morning. Good Lord. Sigh. I barely made it in time to the bathroom.  I
had breakfast with friends yesterday morning
and got a late Birthday present. It makes me
laugh. It is a HUGE cup - at least 20 ounces
big! It is an inside joke between the friend
that gave it to me. Smile. A factual inside
joke however. Hahahaha. Coffee DOES make me
poop. After I die, my coffee cup collection
is willed to the local diner that I adore so
much. As of 11:30 a.m. I've washed the bedding, washed the dog cover to the couch, and swept the floors. Now I'm about ready to make a treat for my neighbor's Birthday. I've also picked up sticks and after I am done with my treat making, I will take the John Deer and go mulch up leaves. I love doing that so much. Maybe it is the need for me to be dominate over organic material? Hold me back - I'm on a roll. October 20, 2019 - Saturday was so productive! Where did that burst of energy come from? I wish I had that every day. All I've managed to do this morning so far is pluck my chin hairs and drink a cup of coffee. October 26, 2019 - Well, this past week was interesting. I missed my blood draw on Monday a.m. due to an issue at work, so I got in there right at seven a.m. on Tuesday. I had wanted my blood results for my yearly physical on Wednesday. To my surprise the results were in on Wednesday morning. I got to see my doctor and with the blood results. My sugar was a smidge high, but the rest of my readings were very good. My "happy" or good cholesterol was fantastic. Other things were up or down from last year (in a good way.) I was pleased. My heart is still misfiring which alarmed the nurse a bit, but it did not skip for my doctor. It is what it is. I have a gerbil on acid for a heart. My family doctor is retiring at the end of the year so we discussed which of the new doctors would be a better fit for me. He told me which one he thought would be best and brought that doctor in to meet me. (I jumped off the table and hugged the new doctor because that is how I roll. I am sure my doctor told him this was a high probability so the new dude was most likely prepared.) After the introduction, I got my last shingles shot and my yearly flu shot. I asked if it would be OK to have both on the same day and considering my physical showed things were good, my doc said "Sure!" I was feeling so good Wednesday about the yearly check up (and I was happy it was so good considering cancer and radiation earlier in the year and all) only to wake up Thursday morning with a fever and puking. My temperature was 104 degrees and I barely was able to feed the dog and do my morning on line work for work. I emailed my boss and let him know I would work from home when I was able. I went back to bed for two hours. I repeated this process throughout the day. I am convinced it was the combination of the last shingles shot and the flu shot. Both warn you may develop a temperature. Together, they took this old woman down for the count. I was still feverish Friday morning and nauseated, so I washed up a bit and ran in to work to change out my back up tapes then and came back home and worked from here. I am blessed to have a job where this is possible. I did take a nap during the day, though. So, in summary - Don't Get Cocky. Ever. Today was supposed to be the Big Birthday Bonfire but it was decided earlier this week that my daughter had too full of schedule to come home for just 24 hours to see people get drunk and watch a fire (she's seen both many times). She is deep into the final stages of her dissertation and I want her to finish. We told her if she gets her PhD, we'd find something to burn down to celebrate. So while my husband sucked up the layer of leaves that had fallen so far, I started our massive burn pile on fire. Oh My. I had to get the hose out as I started the tree nearest the burn pile on fire. He sucked up two huge leaf vacuum containers of leaves that I threw on the fire. (As soon as we were done, the amount of leaves on the ground WAS EXACTLY THE SAME AS WHEN WE STARTED! You could almost hear the remaining leaves on the trees scream "Look, they're burning our brothers! ATTACK!!" ) Sigh. The second we walked back into the house it started pouring rain. It has been raining now since 2 p.m. Jake the dog won't even go out to pee. Viva Fall! October 30, 2019 - The end of October! Oye, what a month. I went to an early breakfast with friends a few weeks back (in the dark, which I hate driving in now that I'm older) and I saw at least six deer running across the road and tons of meandering raccoons. I was thinking that the Powers that Be knew what He was doing when he designed animal eyes. I'm sure it's to help them see at night but I think mainly one foresighted engineer angel in Heaven KNEW that there would be humans driving in the dark and he loved his critters, so he did the reflective eye thing so we'd see them now in our headlights. Pretty clever. When I got to breakfast I told them it was like being in a video games, dodging all those animals... The flu shot/shingles shot episode is over and my arms are no longer sore and the swelling has gone down. I'm glad that was a one off deal. No more shingle shots. So next year if I get sick, I can blame it totally on the flu shot. Everyone at work was avoiding me like I was bubonic. I tried to tell them it was a reaction. No one believed me. It has been raining and misty and icky and fall like. Tonight it almost looked like it was snowing in the distance. 'Tis the season, I suppose. I will never forget my 5th year on this Earth - trick or treating in a winter coat and hat and mittens since about six inches of snow had fallen...it was pointless wearing a costume but I was five - what did I know? I know I didn't know that one doesn't jump around like an idiot when one is bundled up so much one cannot move one's limbs because one WILL fall over a fence in someone's yard face first and due to limited mobility one has to wait for one's Dad to come fish said one out of the snow bank... November 1, 2019 - This has truly been a year of 'fun' for my household. Ugh. Here we go again... Thursday my husband had vocal cord surgery. He's been vocally hoarse for two plus months. Finally got him to go to the specialist (the family doctor kept referring him to) on October 25th, and he was in surgery on Halloween day! Bam. It's cancer. It was upsetting at first. (As we all know, any diagnosis of cancer is upsetting!) When the surgeon came in to talk to me after surgery, I expressed my concern that maybe we were living on a radon patch. He said, "Your breast cancer was hormonal and not caused by radon and with Todd, well - Shit Happens." I cannot tell you how much better this made me feel. Why, I don't know. I just felt better. Shit does happen. I appears my household is getting its "shit" over all in a year's time frame. (He also told me there were no restrictions for my husband who was SO looking forward to time off of work. The surgeon wasn't even going to prescribe him any pain medicine until I begged him. "Sir, you must understand I promised the boy DRUGS if he went through with this, please, at least prescribe a few!!" So I sat through a ten minute lecture on narcotics, signed a paper, and got the boy some Norco.) My sister in law Sue came to sit with me during my husband's surgery. Her husband Don bought us breakfast. Very kind of them. I do adore my husband's family to the moon and back. I have been trying to be so positive for him for a week now so it felt good to vent a bit about life, the universe, and everything to his sister while we waited. We have decided we are NOT going to tell his Mom about this - she's 94 and she doesn't need to worry about anything but herself at this point in life. She would worry, too - obsess over it. As far as she knows, her youngest son is just going to talk in a gravely voice from now. I have tried to prep him for the radiation upcoming and ease any fears. When the Cancer Center called to schedule his consultation yesterday, I asked for the Mountain Room. That was my room and I love the team at the technical helm. It almost helps to have someone in the house that has been through it, taking away that fear of being out of place and not knowing what you are doing at the Cancer Center. The key is, I know where all the bathrooms are! Smile. Speaking of bathrooms... When you have surgery (ask anyone who has gone under the knife) it takes a few days to get your groove back on in the expulsion of fecal matter. Norco causes constipation too. That being said, this morning was the 'catch up on crappin' morning. Our toilet doesn't know what to do... He does seem happier. The toilet, not so much... So that is life for us for now. Cancer. The kids have more family history of ailments to add to their list. (Sorry, kids!) We continue forward, left footing and right footing. I hope he doesn't have a mental 'episode' as I went through. I told him not to go mental without asking for help. Go get help. There is help out there. The dear young neighbor that lives between Ron and Sue and us mulched up our leaves yesterday! How damned sweet! The trees are far from being done puking their leaves, but I know the leaves out there were bugging my husband. I will need to make cookies for his leave mulching. I have wonderful neighbors, for sure. Considering we are both going down hill at the speed of light, we are truly blessed over all! November 3, 2019 - Time changes suck. I wish they would stop this whole time change thing. I just researched why it is done and I still hate it. Stop it. Dogs do not understand the changing of time. Nor do cats. Nor does my bladder. Seeing as I was up at 4:30 I stood outside with Jake as he peed. The fall/winter stars are stunning so I take this time to observe the heavens to the south. On occasion I get to see a shooting star (but I always hope to see a UFO of course) and the brilliance of the stars just amazes me. This morning, however, there was a party of various animals types all around me. There was a call and response going on between some form of bird (I'm going to guess some type of owls) to my west, and odd deep barking to the east that didn't come from any dog that I've ever heard. Then a group of foxes kicked in yipping and making fox noises loudly. I also swear I heard a turkey drowning (that is what it sounded like.) I was just fascinated. I stood out there in my jammies until it was too cold to stand there anymore. I was so enthralled by this natural symphony that I dragged my husband out to listen. Of course they had stopped... Of course, as always, he just assumed I was (still) insane... I am not sure what is on the books for today. Cleaning will be involved, I'm sure. For now I'm sipping coffee and getting into the 'The FBI Files' on Court T.V. Might be a good day to make something like potato soup or chicken noodle soup or a good day for a nap. Lordy, hold me back - my life is just too damned exciting. November 4, 2019 - I am happy to report my bladder made it to 4:45 a.m. this morning. Baby steps when it comes to adapting to the time change. After I was done peeing, I stood outside with Jake while he did his thing and noticed something moving in the yard. The shape of the object made my mind conclude it was a bunny. Jake cannot see anymore due to doggie cataracts so he was no threat to the bunny. I talked to the bunny. The bunny moved a bit. I thought, "Oh no, the bunny is hurt!" so I walked over in that general direction. The bunny turned out to be a curled up leaf from a corn stalk from across the road. I rolled my eyes at myself and came back to the dog pen. This is why humans are horrid eye witnesses. "Honest officer, it was a rabbit, I swear!" I made potato soup for supper last night. It was pretty good if I may say so myself and a very good fall evening meal. I've got myself one of those "as seen on T.V." food choppers several years ago and I cannot tell you what a blessing that thing is. It is so easy to dice veggies and slice things and as I'm whacking the veggies I think of all the years I spent chopping stuff by hand. If that product ended up being the only scientific advancement in human technology in my life time, I would still consider myself blessed to live in such a "amazing futuristic world." I am assuming that as my husband gets radiated I will have to find a lot of 'soup like' suppers. Stuff easy to go down. Wish me luck and send suggestions. Yesterday morning there was a fire at a barn on the next cross road to the north and many fire trucks went by and came in from all over. In all that noise from sirens the guys duck hunting across the road in the swamp still continued using their duck call (poorly) through it all. I am pretty sure if I was a duck all I had to hear were six fire trucks coming from all direction to decide it was not worth landing in the swamp area where the 'extremely drunk duck' was calling... Just not worth it. November 8, 2019 - I had a large stick wedged in the frame under my car the other day. The noise it made was similar to the drum intro to Hot for Teacher by Van Halen which made me laugh a lot. Heads turned when I got into town. I tried driving over bumping things to knock it loose and driving through mud puddles, etc. It did not come out. It was dead smack in the middle underneath where I did not feel comfortable about trying to get it out in a public parking lot for fear I'd be wedged under there in full view. It finally came out when I got near the house. Now if anyone asks I can say, "Yes, I drive a stick..." It has been a mentally challenging week for me at work. I am SURE it is due to the amount of years I've been there. Deal with anything for 40 years and the thrill goes away... I love what I do so I am not sure why I'm at such a level of angst with my place of employment. I have to remember I'm a small tiny part of a bigger machine and I need to continue to turn without squeaking too much. Sigh. I did make up my mind FINALLY after all these years to NOT bring work home with me (mentally). All week long I've refused to discuss work with anyone after I walk out of the building. It really has helped. Walk away - leave it where it belongs. That is the hardest lesson I've ever learned. So far it is working to help my mind calm down in the evenings. Wednesday night was the worst night ever. I barely got home as I was so defeated and tired and just wanted to pull over to the side of the road and curl up in the back seat and sleep. The plus side of such an overwhelming week - it flew by - so there's that. I've had a fetish for a new kind of cauliflower cracker as of late. You can eat 44 of the wee crackers 'em for a serving. The problem is you will fart cauliflower smell for 24 hours after consumption of said crackers. I think they have drugs in them because I HAVE TO HAVE THEM NOW. And since I adore them they will no doubt be removed from the market because anything I really want or like is normally taken away from me. I am used to this. I will just accept it and my office will smell much better once they go away so I'll quit bitching. BUT THEY ARE SO GOOD. The brand is 'From the Ground Up' and I am addicted. Since radiation and my issues with taste and smell, I find that when something tastes GOOD I will stick with it until I can't taste it anymore. That function still comes and goes. When I can taste meat, I CAN TASTE MEAT and I savor it. When I can taste sweets, I CONSUME TONS. Ah life. Go figure. I have warned my husband about this possible issue with his upcoming radiation. He is not looking forward to that part of it. I told him he will be picking what to eat based on texture.  My BFF is sending me a
present and I am so looking forward to it!
She sent me a Jim Shore turkey! I love
turkey decorations since Thanksgiving is my
favorite holiday. I had Halloween down on
November 1st and my Thanksgiving stuff up in
record time this year. I think during the
month of November that I ponder what I am
thankful for plus it gives me and excuse to
post funny stupid turkey memes on Facebook.
(HOWEVER - I am never pleased with the
thought of Europeans coming here and
stealing this land from the native people
and all and that makes me sad over the
fact I am part of the human race because
humans are stupid.) I do, however,
appreciate a set time on the calendar to
contemplate my life and how fortunate I am
to have such awesome kids and the fact I
have the ability to see humor everywhere and
I appreciate the little things. Even with
all the mental issues and inner turmoil this
year I am still basically HAPPY with me. I
am very thankful for that...November 11, 2019 - Early Sunday morning we lost our dog Jake. It was was a horrid 24 hours prior and I won't go in to details but it wasn't pretty and it sucked my soul out. He was an excellent dog. He loved everyone. He was full of kisses. He loved riding with my husband in the truck. He loved Justin and Sue and Ron, our neighbors, and he was madly in love with Sophie the Golden Retriever. He adored my son-in-law Pat and would practically spend all the time he could in Pat's lap when they visited. (That wasn't easy - Jake was a big dog.) He loved his boy Aaron and 'Uncle T.J.' and he ... he made our lives better for the last 14 years and 7 months. Damned fine puppy. (They are always your "puppy" no matter how old they get.) I didn't cry and react the whole 'bad day' since my husband was crying and not taking Jake's demise well, but damned if I didn't cry like a baby when we got back home. Sue came over and cried with me. She will never know how badly I needed her and then she showed up - it was like she just knew... This year has slapped me upside the head pretty hard. I shake my fist at you, 2019! I shake my fist at stupid cancer!! I warn you now if you even remotely look like 2019 in any way and I see you, you're going down... November 14, 2019 - It snowed earlier this week. For a short time, the yards looked very winter like and white. Now it looks like this:  The trees were far from being done shedding their leaves, so it is now a little white and tons of leaves on top. EVERY DAY this situation reminds me of this:  So now I want nougat candy every day in the worst way for some reason. Odd how that works... My check up with my cancer doctor was yesterday. She felt Dolly up and said she'd see me in six months. "I will see you every six months for the first five years..." she said, "...but I might end up 'releasing' you after two or three..." She did say all felt well in Dolly land. I asked her what I already knew - "Will Dolly always feel like a leather football?" "Yes, radiation will do that..." Due to the snow and cold weather the streets downtown were horrid. Sheets of ice. Many people had slid off the road everywhere. I am glad I gave myself 45 minutes to get there! My low tire pressure alarm went off so I drove to Discount Tire and got in the 'free tire air check' line and got them filled up. Today is my husband's first visit to the Cancer Center. I have a note pad in my purse for writing down information and I will take him downtown for the visit. I have questions. I will take notes. (When you have breast cancer, they send you tons of information in the mail and they send you books to review and there is a big fluffy information barrage from the support nurses assigned to you, etc.) There has not been this fanfare for his cancer. It was - BAM - you have vocal cord cancer. BAM - you need surgery. BAM - you have a appointment with the radiation doctor. No fanfare. No fluff. Just BAM. I have been making him all his favorite foods. I assume once the radiation gets going he will be in no mood or have the ability to consume crunchy foods or his favorite foods. I will assume I will have to switch to soup like meals. (One of my questions for the doctor.) Since Monday, Rocko the cat has spent every lunch time plopped on my desk in front of me. This is not normal behavior for Rocko so I am sure it is due to the lack of Jake. Jake made sure he 'kissed the kitty' often and with gusto. Who knows what interactions happened with them when I was out of the house. That is about the only change in Rocko since Jake passed. He does check twice when we come through the door and I know he's looking for Jake. The neighbor doggies still come over for their treats and Rocko will watch out the window looking for 'his' dog. I was so mentally exhausted from life that Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday night I was in bed by 7 p.m. Very odd for me. Last night I made it 'til 10 p.m. I know I needed the sleep and was glad to accommodate. I fell right to sleep, too, without the normal hour or two to unwind. I was a tired old woman. My bladder has registered a formal complaint with my brain about the lack of urination for hours on end and the inability to wake me up to go, but I'm sure my brain knew I needed that sleep worse than I needed to pee... November 15, 2019 - The visit with my husband's radiation doctor went well. The doctor walked into the room and saw me and hugged me and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Too late for a family discount!" Hahaha. He did go over everything with my husband and we asked questions. The end result of radiation to the throat will be far worse than radiation to the boob, but that is due to the fact they are radiating near the most important place on your body (near the brain and where you breathe and all...) He got a blood draw to check his thyroid as that, too, will possibly be damaged during the rad festival. They will monitor thyroid levels as he goes forward. He has to get into a dentist SOON to get any work done that may need to be done as they don't want anyone going into radiation of the throat with a bad tooth. Radiation will possibly affect the jaw bone so any bad teeth would get worse and just get infected. He goes for a CT scan on Monday and a lung x-ray. The 22nd he goes in for his SIM (simulation and facial mask construction to keep his head in place) and they will schedule his radiation visits after that. Sigh. Ron and Sue, neighbors supreme, brought us a delicious dinner last night. It was SO welcome. Anyone my age knows that after about nigh on 40 years of trying to think of meals every night that you burn out after a while. Sue made us enchiladas that were divine and yummy chocolate pie for dessert. So nice to have a break from that chore. I can't thank them enough. I know what my whole bout of cancer did to my mental stability (what little there was) so I will watch my husband for the signs. There will come a point where he won't be able to talk due to the ravages of radiation on the vocal cords so I am sure he will suffer some angst. Men keep stuff inside far more than women and I know it will be tough for him. The kids said that there is an app on iPhones where you can 'text to talk' that they will download for their Dad when they come home for Christmas. This will help, I'm sure. So we carry on. My oldest offered us a meal this weekend if we come up to see our grand dog Watson (who I am dying to see) ((of course, my two sons as well!!)) and that will get my husband out of the house. He has to keep going. I know this for a fact. This is no time to curl up into a ball and stop being alive. November 17, 2019 - OMG - I love where I live. The house is questionable, but the area is divine. This morning there were sandhill cranes flying everywhere to gather down the road at a corn field and THEY WERE LOUD and there are flocks of geese (group of gooses?) across the road and watching them fly in is hysterical and THEY ARE LOUD and there are squirrels flitting all over the yard looking for nuts they probably buried but forgot to mark on their nut map. My family of crows (my murder of crows, official name) were out and about and THEY WERE LOUD. A pileated woodpecker was playing bongo on the trees out front and the squeaking-toy-sounding morning doves were gathered at the bird feeder. I stood outside in my fuzzy housecoat sucking all of nature in and loving it. Last night I stood outside for a while looking for the Leonids meteor shower but saw nothing, but I heard plenty. Foxes singing with the train that was passing through town and many hoots of unknown birds. I swear I also heard yelling from some neighbor's house somewhere. Contented sigh. My oldest son took us to lunch yesterday. I got to see Watson who is FULL of KISSES and love. I needed a puppy fix. He was so happy to see Grandma and Grandpa. I took them all of Jake's food and some of the treats. (I saved a bunch, though, for the neighbor puppies as they come over to get a cookie and entertain me.) After visiting for a while we went and ate Chinese at their local place and EAT WE DID. Oh My. Had we not gone grocery shopping afterwards and walked down every aisle in the whole store, I feel I would have exploded sushi rolls and shrimp balls. I have awesome kids. (I'm not bragging. They are just good humans.) I enjoy being with them and laughing (they are all quite fluent in humor). They have all introduced me to new thoughts, different views and understandings, and their perceptions of life which sometimes is exactly what I need to hear. I can't wait for my daughter and soninlaw to come down for Christmas as well. We decided not to do presents this year. Money is tight for all of us, so it will just be a living room full of my family and UNO and puppies. The chaos will be the best present ever. No doubt dog hair will be flying and I will end up peeing myself from laughing so hard (as is tradition)... My friend and coworker Judy came in my office to tell me something about her Mom and her Mom's computer. Her Mom utilizes a local company for computer help that has "Geek" in it's name. Judy said how funny it was to hear her Mom saying, "I have to call the Geek..." After she left my office, I started humming that Ray Steven's song "The Streak" without thinking about why I was humming that song, then it dawned on me - the way Judy said 'the geek' led my brain down several entangled neuron paths and my brain ended up in the 1973 vault and played that song. Hahahaha. I went in to tell her about it. She asked me "How on Earth can you come up with that when I was talking about my Mom?" I told her, "Spend an hour in my brain, Judy - it's scary. This is how my brain works ALL THE TIME!!" November 20, 2019 - I miss Jake. I miss the security of a big dog in the house. I realized this on Sunday when Sophie the Golden came over for her morning treat and saw a man walking down the road. I didn't know this person. Sophie got into a stance and started barking insanely at the stranger. This made me proud of her. Jake would also bark (if he could see the person) like he would kill you - but in reality he would just pee on your shoes and kiss you to death, but no stranger needed to know that. A dog brings you a sense of security...and kisses...and hugs... Rocko the Cat has starting to show signs of loneliness. He lets me pick him up now and hold him like a baby for longer periods. He tolerates my attention much better now. I honestly think Rocko and Jake played a bit when we were at work. I often find Rocko at the spots where Jake frequented the most, just standing there - sniffing. Poor cat. He still watches when we come in the house as if he's waiting for Jake. My husband had a CT scan on Monday and lung x-rays (ordered by his radiology doctor). Yesterday he had a tooth pulled. He had to get clearance from a dentist that his jaw was OK to withstand the radiation. (The man has not been to a dentist in 10+ years.) I pay for dental insurance, damnit. He is going to start going after all this is over. Friday he has his simulation scan at the Cancer Center and will get his facial mask (that will hold his head and neck in place during radiation) fitted to his head. He has to go for 28 zaps. It won't be pretty. He will schedule his treatments on Friday as well. I had made a statement to him when he was diagnosed that I am regretting, but will stand by that statement since I said it... I told him he could use my Loretta (my Ford Escape) to go up to treatments. My car is barely two years old and is higher up (easier for him to get in and out). He had her all day yesterday and Monday. I missed her terribly. I have been driving the Taurus (the first car I ever bough on my own and bequeathed to him when I got Loretta). Bertha (the Taurus) still drives OK and all - but I missed Loretta. I left for lunch early yesterday to stop at the store and get soup and cold stuff for my husband so he could have something to eat after his tooth extraction and I TOOK LORETTA BACK TO WORK WITH ME. Hahahahaha. I talked to her all the way back. "Oh, how I missed you honey!!" "Now now, I'm happy too, but you gotta slow down to the speed limit!" "You are such a good girl!!" etc. I patted her dashboard and hugged the steering wheel. What the heck was I doing? It's just a car, for heaven's sake!! Smile. November 22, 2019 - Today's Lesson: Don't Get Cocky. I did yesterday. I thought to myself, "I don't have to go home for lunch...Jake isn't there anymore (the main reason I went home for lunches anyway) so I could do something FOR ME!" I thought that I could get gas then tool around town and go to stores and just enjoy my lunch time. I pulled in to the gas station and filled my tank. I've done this act millions of times, mind you. As the tank filled I was observing things around me and humming some ditty. When I was done I hopped in Loretta and immediately smelled gas. I smelled my hands. "Eewww..." so I used my handy wipes to clean my hands. I could still smell gas. I smelled my coat arm. "Eeeewwwww!!" There was gas on my coat. So I went home to get a different coat. My right arm on my coat was so smelly and it turned out my shirt was smelly and my right leg was smelly! There must have been a small leak/spray that I did not notice from the hose! I REEKED of gas. Sigh. I threw away the shirt and pants and coat I was wearing. I took off my socks and shoes to be sure they were not gassy. They were not, but I saw my black shoes were breaking away from the sole and need replacing. Sigh. My belly was smelly, so I washed my chest and waist off. I threw my coat away too. Sigh. All the things I threw away were ancient and I really DO need new clothes. (I am one to not buy things for myself - I will wear something until it is thread bare and held together with duct tape.) I was NOT going to attempt to get that smell out of those things. Sigh. I got cocky and wanted something for myself. The universe thwapt me in the middle of the forehead with its thumb and forefinger. DON'T GET COCKY. I learned a lesson.  I had dinner
with my high school girlfriends last night.
One was missing due to illness which made me
sad, but I do adore these women. I've known
them since High School. We know each other's
stories. They are very supportive and would be
there for you in a heart beat. I wish my BFF
was up here, too. We would be a force to be
reckoned with! I needed some time with my
girlies. It felt good. My husband has his simulation today at the Cancer Center so I will be driving Bertha the Taurus. I will miss Loretta. At least Loretta has a full tank for him and a lovely smell inside that is a mix of a pine Happy Tree and fossil fuel. What's not to love? November 24, 2019 - What a nice surprise we got today! My youngest son's former girlfriend but still dear friend brought us a holiday present. She works at a greenhouse and one of her coworkers were assembling these. Who would have though pine greens could make such a cute gnome?! They used a tomato cage turned upside down. I named him Gnorman. So creative!! I can't stop staring at him!! I think I've mentioned my new fetish for the cauliflower cracker made by 'From the Ground Up'. They smell terrible I think, well - like cauliflower - but I love those things. You can have 44 crackers to a serving. When you pour them in the bowl they 'tinkle' like tiny glass slates. The other night I was munching on them while watching a special on asbestos and got up to check the box to make sure none of the various kinds of asbestos were listed on the box. Too many of their qualities seemed to indicate it was possible. Hahahaha. We put up our Christmas lights today while it was sunny. So many people take hours to put their lights up perfectly. Thirty years ago I used to lob a ton of lights on the one bush we had on front. After we got siding, we started some form of calculated light placement. Nothing matches, though, but they are colorful and they look good in the snow. I will go outside in a few minutes after sunset to see if they indeed are all working. We will officially launch them on Thanksgiving evening. No doubt cars will line up for miles... My husband did OK during simulation. He seems more at ease with the thought of all this. My chiropractor doesn't believe in radiation. I am leery of it too, but when it came to my cancer I thought "What if this was your daughter? What would you tell her to do?" I would have told her to do the radiation. When I told my chiropractor about my husband's issue, he just shook his head and laughed. I have started my husband on some auxiliary vitamins that the chiropractor suggested. I still take them anyway - during and since my radiation. I believe I have my Thanksgiving dinner plans in place. We are having dinner on Friday so my son can make it home. I hope everyone leaves full. I kind of like the thought of having Thursday to do all the stuff I need to do instead of working late into Wednesday night. No rush - no pressure. The best thing about Thanksgiving - the turkey and mayo sandwich the day after! I can't wait. December 2, 2019 - I could say something like 'Wow, it's December already!' or 'Who messed with the space time continuum again??' but I suppose I should face facts...time flies when you are merely existing... Thanksgiving was a hoot. My kids are so darned funny. It was good to see my sister in law Carol and Ma. The food was good. Since we had Thanksgiving dinner on Friday, I spent all day Thursday prepping. I made caramel apple salad, deviled eggs, brownies, sugar cookies, honey ham pinwheels, and pumpkin bread in the morning and cleaned all afternoon. I was tired and feeling my age come night time. I soaked in a hot tub. My 'me' time is a good hot soak. Someday I will have a hot tub. A girl can dream. Friday night we played a game called Scrawl and it was a blast. I can't wait for Christmas time to play with the kids again. I laughed so hard at some of the things we came up with...I can't explain it here enough to make you appreciate the game but I know it is a hoot and be on the look out for rapist frogs.... Plus it was good to have doggies in the house again. I so miss Jake. I miss the unconditional love of a critter. Rocko the Cat has been sleeping at my feet again, but I found out that is only because he barfed in his cat bed and has no where else to go for heat... I took down my turkeys yesterday - they are bundled away for another year. I decided I'm going to put up a little every night towards Christmas. Hauling those totes downstairs is no easy task - no need to break myself, right? Wave one when up last night. I ran in to work and decorated for Christmas too. I always do our end of the building. I wasn't going to this year, but I did. I am the only one who does...and when I walk in to work I want to be dazzled by crap hanging from the ceiling and hitting me in the face as much as the next guy. December 5, 2019 - So much to do - so little time. I miss the days where I could exist on just 3 hours sleep a day and still be mentally alert. Those days are long gone. (Insert sigh here). I got such a nice surprise the other night. An old friend stopped by after dark (and I greeted her in my stained night shirt, knee high socks, a pair of old black shoes, and cut off plaid sweat pants - so I must have looked like Angus Young's Grandmother) and brought me a Christmas bag full of presents! What a nice surprise! Out of the side hatch! I was so touched. People can surprise you when you least expect it and I did so need a mental boost! December 8, 2019 - There are many trees around these parts that have not fully lost their leaves and are still shedding them so when I'm coming down the road after work I will notice piles of leaves blowing across the road and every time several will plaster themselves on the back of my windshield. This makes me laugh. It is as if they are trying to get in the car. Some will be spread out on the glass looking as if they are screaming SANCTUARY!! It must be the shape of my car that sucks in the leaves to the back, but it still humors me to no end. Yesterday I finished putting up what living room Christmas decorations I am going to put up. It looks quite festive in my wee little house. Some old friends stopped by to visit for a while when I was doing it. I didn't even feel bad that my living room was trashed with totes and tinsel. It was so good to catch up with them and reminisce. I finished my pressing projects at work in the nick of time. It was down to the wire and I just slid in under the closing door. It felt good. Phew. Now, there will be clean up and perfecting some of the things that I did, but we made it. A good feeling. I was SO EXHAUSTED FRIDAY NIGHT however. Just spent. Plop. December 16, 2019 - I made white chicken chili for supper last night. Yum. Homemade corn bread. Yum. That was a good batch of that sort of chili. I look forward to it for lunch today. I also went grocery shopping and did household crap like a good woman should. (Where does all the laundry come from?!?!? There are only two of us in the house. Sigh.) Today is physical inventory at work. No one ever likes physical inventory. It's like prepping for surgery except the surgery last 12 hours and is without drugs being pumped in to you and your surgeon drank heavily the night before and is angry because he hit a deer on the way in to work. I am past my days of doing the actual out in the field inventory help and crawling around and getting dirty. (Getting old does have some benefits.) However, I do look forward to that one day a year when inventory is correct and we know where everything is - however that reality only last approximately 3.47 days... We went to the local village Christmas parade on Saturday night and it was such fun. First we went and checked out the local craftsmen who had their wares for sale. So many beautiful things! I bought myself a holographic wreath and a light up fairy wand. (If it has lights and sparkles, I will want it.) We had dinner at our favorite local diner before the parade, went back to the craft show and bought ourselves dessert, and then just hanging out in the crowd with all the little kids waiting to see the parade was a hoot in itself. The people selling the light up stuff came out on the street and I got my husband a light up fan thingy. I also got to see one of my daughter's dear friend from High School and her husband and kids. WHAT CUTE KIDS! I got them each a light up fan as well and so enjoyed their antics as they played with them. There was also a little girl in front of us - maybe 2 at the most, who was so geared up for the parade that she was jumping around like a chicken and evading her parents by squeezing in between a bike rack bars and hopping all over WITH GUSTO. She made me laugh hard. What life! What excitement! I felt bad for her parents who was left to wrangle the little dickens, but WHAT SHEER JOY IN THAT LITTLE GIRL. Hahahahahahahaha. That is how I feel in my mind most of the time...squat then hop then leap high for joy, repeat... When you hear the drums start before a parade - indicating of course THEY ARE COMING I get so excited. I start hopping around (not unlike the little girl) and clapping. The band was excellent and I bolted off and chased them down the street so I could hear 'Liza Jane' which is my favorite. OK, so I am a little kid, too. I tend to run off during parades and hop around like a chicken myself...I just don't fit through the bike rack bars... December 26, 2019 - I do believe over the last few days I've consumed enough sugar to turn a small third world country diabetic. Today it will be good to go back to work to clean up my internal systems by not processing sugar for a day. On the 21st my daughter and I went to see my son in law play with his band. Several friends joined us. The band was excellent and it was fun to get out of the house. (If I had written this on Saturday night, there would have been 62 paragraphs exalting the joy of the evening, but this morning - hey - I just woke up and barely started my coffee - I'll just say it was a blast.) Christmas Eve and Christmas were wonderful. The kids were all here. The granddogs were all here. I enjoyed the gathering very much. We played Throw Throw Burrito which was a hoot. My son in law took out a years worth of life frustration at one point when he lobbed a foam burrito at my eldest - smack dab in his eye. The sound it made was hilarious. We laughed til we cried. We played Scrawl again which was also hysterical. It was a wonderful Christmas Eve. I am ready for a New Year to roll around. A new decade, too. I want to throw dirt on cancer with my back paws like the dogs do after they poop. I want a new slate. December 28, 2019 - The kids are back home and the house is quiet. I miss the kids and I miss the puppies. I will make an effort to find a kitten soon, I know. I need more critters in the house. I miss the antics of critters. Rocko doesn't act out or up often. I need chaos to be happy. I took a long long nap today. I slept HARD. I woke up with a sore throat as I was sleeping on my back and I know I was snoring. I also know I had a fantastically weird dream. When I woke up, there was some if it left in my mind but it quickly dissolved. (If I could hook my brain up to the internet, I'd make million on my dreams via YouTube.) I do remember the dream had bits about Elon Musk's Starlink satellites (which by the way piss me off due to the fact they will hose up ground based observatories with the sheer number that are planned and like we NEED more space debris orbiting Earth and there are already like 200,000 pieces of junk hanging around Earth to begin with and what if we miss an Earth bound asteroid because all we can detect are the 42,000 stupid Starlinks???) and then it went on from there....it ended with me giving a deep, knowing look to someone across the room over something but about what - I cannot remember. I just know when I woke up I was in sheer awe that my brain could come up with that kind of story line. Maybe the only 'resolution' I will follow through with EVER in a new year is trying to get to know my brain better. I know that meditation has helped me a LOT. I know that quieting the brain can help you cope from day to day. Obviously the brain is up there coming up these awesome fantastic dreams because it has nothing better to do and I could probably be putting this activity to good use become telepathic or transcending time and space... (Hey, a girl can dream...hahaha). If I happen to pop into your living room out of nowhere, don't shoot me - it will only mean I've finally mastered teleportation. To the young male who has the truck that is set up on tall tires (so he probably need a ladder to get in the cab) and who has it torqued up so loud it sounds like 40 angry Harley motorcycles in a blender and most likely is knocking dishes off shelves in China, Kudos To You. This probably impresses NO ONE and I applaud your attempt to be the main reason for tectonic plate movements at this time in Earth's history. I have to laugh every time he explodes by the house because I know for a fact that in 35 years he will be cussing out the young ones who go by his house because of their loud vehicles... My husband's voice sounds actually BETTER than it has in months after week three of radiation. I tell him it is because they are burning away that cancer and his vocal cords are happy. His throat is terribly sore, though. This is to be expected and it will get worse before the end of radiation on 1/17/20. If you look in my kitchen, it looks like I've cornered the market on applesauce, Boost, and pudding cups. I have tried to be the most positive person in the world for his recovery. No, he did not do this for me. I was going through a break down and I'm sure he had no clue where to start to help me mentally, but I am trying to be the best nurse this side of the Mississippi. I have become proficient in making smoothies, too. (Something new to put on future job applications...) I got myself some White Claw hard seltzer for New Year's Eve here at home, but I can promise you I'll still be in bed by 9:30 p.m. I welcome 2020 with open arms. Big Sigh. December 30, 2019 - It is raining and windy. We have some snow coming. We'll start the year with precipitation of the frozen kind. This weekend has been a very lazy weekend. Cripes. I could have been tagged as a sloth this weekend had anyone gone on safari for sloths and went through my house. I was LAZY. However, during Sunday's nap, I had dreams about cleaning and putting things on high shelves and I woke up and decided it was my brain's way of saying, "Take Down Christmas!!" So I did. Christmas is back in its appointed totes and the 'normal' stuff is back up. The house looks so BLAH now, but the deed is done. I am not taking down the outdoor lights, though, since the New Year should be ushered in with my spastic snow flakes - all proper like and bright. There are winter weather advisories out for Southwest Michigan. In my day, this was just called 'winter' and there were no advisories issued. It snowed. Amazing how that happened in the winter. I would love to have been there or see the faces of the first people who found out how good eggs were when scrambled or cooked. I bet the person who accidentally dropped the eggs in the fire turned out to be the tribe's hero. December 31, 2019 - I woke up this morning and popped out of bed at 3:30 with the enthusiasm of a gymnast sticking a perfect dismount. TA DAH! I'M AWAKE! What the hell am I going to do NOW? What odd thing in my brain is making this early morning rising necessary in the first place? I did not even have to pee!! GETTING OLDER IS CONFUSING!! I have no prophetic words to end the year with... it was such a 'year' that really, what is there to say? I did survive, so I have that going for me. The passing of time is relative to your circumstances. Apparently I am excited about the end of the year if my explosion out of bed this morning is any indicator. (Now that I am up so early, there will be no ball drop for me as I will probably be in bed tonight by 7 p.m.) Sigh. I suppose if I want to see balls drop, I can ask the network guys to toss their basket ball around today for me. OK, so I just re-read my archive for this year. Damn. I had a year! It made me laugh to read the archive (and also realize that I should really proof read before posting stuff)... I had a hell of a year. I recovered from breast cancer surgery, I had a mental break down, I had radiation, I BEAT cancer, I went on a trip to North Carolina to see my BFF, my BFF came up here to stay for our 40th class reunion, I planted beautiful flowers and fairy gardens, I went and did paintings, I started therapy for my brain, I dodged bullets, I learned to meditate, I got kissed by Brian Vander Ark, my boys took me to see Verve Pipe, I got a new Sleep Number bed, and the list goes on. It was kind of a good year, really, when you stand back and look at it. Maybe there are no prophetic words to say - maybe I should just shut the hell up and cherish what DID happen and smile to myself, knowingly... Happy New Year.  |
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